Originally Posted by wowitsdark

It sounds like this little girl has a situation that is much different than a 'caregiver'. That's not a criticism of anyone whatsoever. It sounds like everyone is doing as much as they possibly can to be there for this little girl. That's a good thing.

But a 'caregiver' is a babysitter. It doesn't sound like this little girl has anyone she can categorize as her *parent* and the dominant voice of authority. Personalities are basically formed by the time a child is... what is it? Six years old? Five? This little girl is about 30% - 40% of the way to that milestone and has had a lot of attachment chaos. That, on top of tendencies that are completely typical for a child her age and in her situation with a new baby, well... I just don't think it can be discounted that she does a lot of going from house to house with 'mom' and 'dad' coming and going at random times.

It just adds a whole atypical element to things. I think that normally kids who have a healthy bond with their parents - or a grandparent - see the behaviors taught in that venue as foundational, basic, expectations. And then if they have a caregiver with a different set of rules, they establish the understanding that *this* is okay when I'm at daycare, but the *real* way is the way my mommy and daddy have me do it. Ultimately the values they internalize come from the people they have the primary bond with.

This little girl, through nobody's fault but that of her irresponsible bio parents, has her grandma (is there a grandad?) who should be in that role, but schedules mean, according to the OP, that the toddler spends almost a full one half of her lifetime *not* in the care of that grandma, and that separation comes in the form of *days* in a row, not just from 9-5.

It's just not typical, and could be contributing to the fact that *neither* caregiver has the benefit of being the sole voice of authority. It doesn't mean the grandmother OR the OP are doing anything but the best they possibly can - it is just a factor that shouldn't be dismissed. It sounds like both of them are trying all sorts of tactics and she's not getting one set, expected response from *both* of them.