Quote:
Originally Posted by opaldancing  I think the title of your thread applies to you more than him!
You always ask "What is so hard to understand about "I don't love you, I'm sorry. I want a divorce." What's so hard for him to understand is that you really mean it. After all, if you did mean it, you'd leave. Count the years that you've been telling him this. How many times has he heard that now? A gazillion? And you're still there, aren't you? You just vent over and over and over again and the years go by and nothing ever changes. You're still unhappy - you're just older now. How many more years of your life will you waste? And for an unemployed wife abuser that picks up men off of Craig's List? You keep saying that you don't want to hurt him. For the love of God, why would sacrifice your own happiness for somebody like that? How can you think that the emotional state of a down low, cheating abuser is more important than your own emotional state? He never even shows you the courtesy of discretion! But why should he? He knows he can get away with treating you like this.
I'm not trying to be mean. I'm actually trying to help you and saying I'm sorry again won't do that. Somebody needs to tell you that venting again and again won't change anything for you. It never has. You've posted dozens of times about your mentally ill, abusive husband and how terrible he is and you should know by now that he isn't going to magically become a different person. He is what he is. I don't know how you can still hope that there are brighter and less stressful days ahead but the only way your situation will change is if you change it.
This has been going on too long for you to be considered his victim anymore. You're holding on to him just as much as he's holding on to you. You must be getting something out of this hellish marriage even if it's just that you like playing the martyr but remember, martyrs are usually miserable. It comes with the territory.
If you ever want to be happy then you'll have to take your own advice - just let go. |
oh see...I am letting go. I have an appt w/ my attorney on Monday to file.
I guess, I hoped, or foolishly thought he'd behave appropriately during this time and our children wouldn't have to be subject to his misdeeds and bad behaviour. Unfortunately, I thought by staying with him, we could make it work. I see now that it is impossible. Part of believing it could work was because I was raised in a two parent household--my parents have been married 50+ years. Part of trying to make it work, was because I didn't want to admit that I screwed up and allowed myself to be the victim. Part of it was because, most time, it was easier to stay together than leave him. And part of it was, at one time he threatened to kill me if I left, then he threatened to kill anyone who stood between he and I(more specifically my family) and then he threatened to kill himself. Fear and guilt are a great motivator! However, I have since come to the realization that I was played like a fiddle. He manipulated and twisted me in so many directions I didn't know whether I was coming or going.
I have my **** together at this point in time. I have my plan. I just wish for the children's sake he'd make this easy.
And he's not unemployed--he actually works out of our home.
And I'll share what really prompted me into action: One of the girls in the office told her husband she wanted a divorce (2 kids and 20+ years of marriage). He did go off and kill himself. But, she managed to get through it. I thought to myself "if she can do it, why can't I?" She displayed a courage and strength that was remarkable (and still is). I was in awe, and yes I told her, of the strength she displayed. She had been miserable far longer than I have been--but she managed to pull herself together and tell him she wanted out.
I'm tired of being miserable. I refuse to be the victim or be a martyr. I'm done. I'm a strong, smart, and some might even say "pretty" woman
who doesn't need any more of this crap any longer.