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Originally Posted by marilynk  This whole thing has been a huge, and I do mean HUGE learning experience. I hope, and I think that to some extent I have grown as a person. I am trying to take these things and learn from my mistakes (and of course the mistakes other's have made that have adversely affected me).
I am actually much more at peace, but still struggle with some things. I find myself being resentful and bitter because X really has not taken any personal responsibilty for his behaviour--but I am trying to come to terms and acceptance that his behaviour is/was not my fault, and that his behaviour will not change until he does (yes, he is still engaging in some questionable behaviour according to mutual friends...). I actually feel a little sorry for any woman that goes into a relationship with him if she isn't aware of or accepting of his behaviour.
Some days I struggle more than others with wanting to be vindictive and destroy his credibility--but that is counterproductive. Some days I struggle with self-doubt regarding some of the choices I made (and some that I was forced to make...)
To this day X blames me for the divorce, because I actually went through w/ the threat. In cleaning out some stuff, I found a letter that I wrote him the first time I caught him cheating and lying. It was dated 12/2007. In it I told him I would divorce him if it ever happened again. It took two years of heart ache, tears and emotional distress before I finally got up the gumption to follow through....
Yes, I know I'm rambling! :-)
This is sort of therapy. I get it out without having to pay someone to listen! Sometimes, rambling helps me to come to grips with my anxiety, and sometimes it helps me to see that what I WANT to do is really, really bad--and I realize what I NEED to do... |
In my opinion, you have to let it go. I went through a similar situation and I've struggled with it off and on(struggled horribly in the beginning). The only way I was able to "get over it" was just to realize that I had to worry about me and my child and do the best I could each and every day. I couldn't spend any energy worrying about or thinking about my ex. He was going to do what he was going to do, spend the time with my son in a way I felt was best or not, date who he wanted, etc. None of that was my concern any more - even the part about my child. Typically, when they are with the other parent, as long as they are not in danger, they can do whatever that person feels best. Feeding my 2 year old only cheerios for the whole weekend? GREAT! Good parenting skills. Could I do anything about that? Nope. Interestingly enough, my ex has really made a turn-around. When I was there to run interference and do everything for our son, he was a crappy dad. When it was on him, he finally turned around. He is now a great dad. I don't always agree with what he does or the way he acts (or his wife's actions), but that doesn't mean he lacks the right to have some say in the way his child is raised. I chose/allowed him to be the dad so some of that is on me! Hopefully, given the chance, your ex will figure it out. I hope so for your kids' sake.
Oh, 3 years after we split up, ex apologized for his behavior while we were together. He said he realized how horrible he had been to me and hoped I could forgive him. It can happen.
Good luck, Marilyn!