Standards
Posted 03-29-2008 at 03:00 PM by tag1114
I'm at an in between time in my life. It feels odd, exciting, and very weird; it makes me feel nervous and giddy, sometimes all at the same time. I'm at a point where I'm ready to trust, believe and fall in love again. But I'm picky, too picky probably. I look around at men that would be in my acceptable age range and just say "blech". They're either extremely ugly, larger than a house, filthy dirty, drive a car that looks like a tank, have children that seem a little too strange to me or all of the above. I try so hard to not judge a person just on outward appearance. I can overlook some extra weight, god knows I have my own and I can overlook the fact that a man isn't Mr. Universe or the next underwear model. Yes I realize that at this age, my choices are limited. I'm ok with that to some degree. I would rather have a nice, genuine guy who's not super model material than to have the best looking, best built man in the world who cares about nothing. But where this gets difficult is, I'm vain...simply put....I'm vain. To think about being with a man that has one eye missing, who's deaf or blind, who weighs 500 lbs. or drives a 1970 rust mobile, frightens the hell out of me. Are those my only choices? If so, would I be better off to be alone? But beyond the vanity, I'm scared. I'm scared of rejection. I'm afraid of being hurt again so soon after all that's happened. I'm afraid to trust a man. I'm afraid...of love...of loss...of hurt....I'm really afraid that I will learn to care for a man, we'll try to have a relationship but it won't work out. I know that's part of life and without the risk of loss, I may never find love. But it's such a difficult journey. I don't even know where or how to begin. Another strange part of this journey is that I'm learning things about myself that seem strange(no smart remarks about everyone knowing I was strange!). So I've always known that I like men with dark hair, I prefer brown or blue eyes, I like men who are tall but my definition of tall is just taller than me(ha)! But what I didn't know is how much a man's hands tell about him. Oh.My.God. I looked at a man that I find somewhat attractive and nice and realized that his hands are sensual....really....they're masculine, manly but well manicured...again oh.my.god. I never knew that hands could be a turn on for me. Crazy? Yes! But whatever does it for a person. I like a man who's a little mysterious. I don't know why but maybe it's the thrill of trying to figure him out. I like trying to figure out if he's married, has a girlfriend, has kids, what type of work he does. It makes me feel strange because why did I never know this about myself before now? I think my fascination of not knowing a man totally, is really insecurity. I think if I know too much, maybe I won't be interested. Maybe I'll find out that he's really an alcoholic, a pervert, has been married 10 times or that his last job was a work release program. Yes I'm scared.....too death.....of moving forward....afraid I'll compare what I had to what I may get......afraid no one will ever measure up to my crazy standards.....afraid my kids' lives will be ruined by a bad decision I make....afraid others will think I'm settling....afraid of my own decision to "settle".....it's a difficult time in my life. And yet it's kind of fun. But I'm rather shy when it comes to men, especially if I'm really interested. Again, I really don't know what I want right now. Oh yes, I have a "type" and I have standards and I'm vain and picky but I also remind myself to judge a person from the inside-out. I just hope I always remember that because maybe the person that's perfect for me will not be good looking, will not be stable financially, will not meet every one of my expectations but maybe that person will be loving, kind, emotionally and mentally stable, will want the same kind of life that I want and most importantly will except me for ME, will love my kids and will want to share our lives. Maybe....
Some days it's just easier to go on with day to day life, to live with myself and no one else. Some days I don't want the emotions that come with trying to bring a new person into my life. Some days I like living as a single woman. But then, there are those times, those days when I know male companionship would be good, I long for it. There are days when my heart opens up, softens up and realizes that there's someone for everyone in the world. There are days where I feel I can trust and love again. And then following those days, there's the fear again. So yes this time in my life is a bit confusing, a bit strange and yet a bit exciting. Possibilities, the unknown and the simple joy of finding THE MAN for me is just strange. But onward I move...into the future...into the unknown, full of fear and giddiness, full of laughter and possibly tears. Future, I look forward to you. I look forward to seeing what you have to offer, seeing which road you take me down and whether I have a pot of gold at the end or an annoying leprechaun. Future, please be nice to me. I really don't like leprechauns!
"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams." ~~ Eleanor Roosevelt
I hope I have the courage to believe.
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