I think my dh is having a mid-life crisis. I swear I think to myself ( and have said to him as well ).." Who ARE you ?!"

He already has the sports car...not interested in motorcycles..

His behaviors are , he wants to act like he is freaking 20 years old again ! FTR, he is 42.

To add to the mix, he has hooked up with some "old friends " of his ( he supposedly lived in the same suburb when he was 11 with the wife of this couple )..Yet, we have been married for 23 years and I swear I have only heard this girl's name mentioned ONCE. This is a couple, newly married ..3rd marriage for both of them.

I have woman's intuition about this couple. I do NOT like them. I feel they are contributing to his odd behavior . One example, they like to go shopping at all hours of the night..stroll into a Target at like 9:30 at night..like freaking teenagers..and they HAVE to have my dh along..like he's their Potsie and they are Richie & Ralph Malph.

I have told him he is changing...he has gotten very snarky with me lately...God forbid I say ONE THING wrong about Bonnie and Clyde ( his friends )..

can someone offer me insight ?

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This is an unfortunate situation that in my opinion has lots of red flags. I can't offer you anything but that. I have always followed my intuition and especially in this situation, if it feels bad, it is. I think that I would be careful how I approached your husband. You do not want to make this couple of friends "the prize". In watching some of my friends husbands and in one case, the wife go through a mid life event, they sort of revert to a parent/teen situation where it becomes rebellious and a "you can't control me" type of thing. You don't want to control who he sees and what he does, you just want him to want to see and be with you and people who both of you feel comfortable with. Is that right?

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RJB 3/18/60 - 5/22/04
We miss you, sweet brother.
Praying for my Marine Son who is deployed somewhere in the sandbox until July, 2008! He's HOME!!!!! God Bless the USA!!!!!

Yes, that is true to a point. I plain, flat out , do not trust these people. To listen to the woman talk, is like a Jerry Springer show. Her dd ( 21) is pregnant with her 3rd child..father in the pen, this baby will be down syndrome (which I do not believe, btw..because "suddenly" the dr. informed her 2 weeks before the baby is due that it will DEFINATELY have downs !)

Her home life sounds VERY chaotic..elec. turned off, yet she goes out and gets a $300 facial the next day. They went to Sea world twice last week ! She is making payments on a home that she took over payments for this one woman..and when they pay it off, it will be theirs ( Yeah, right )..she loves babies ( who doesn't ?) so she took in the landlord's dd ( age 3 ) and is taking care of the baby ( she has her hands full now, does not need any more babies ).

They have been rude towards me, towards my adult son ( age 21 )..when I tell my dh how I feel, he takes up for THEM. It is always a "misunderstanding"..how many "misunderstandings" can one couple have per month ?

My dh used to be very sweet , upstanding..now I catch him in lies, he has changed for the worse..and it is ONLY after he met these DEAR friends ( on classmates )...

They like to "flock"..the entire family will get in the car and go around stores at an hour when normal people are getting their children ready for bed ( they have like 3 young children in the home, under the age of 4)..they window-shop..

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Are they tweekers?

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Faith + Love = Happy

I *have* told him PLAIN no beating around the bush that I have a bad vibe towards these people..that my woman's intuition is going over time ..Red flags are popping up all over the place.

His reply? ..." I do not like him to have any friends !"

that is NOT true..I would love it if he had normal friends and did normal activities with them..

My friend, who is a social worker for over 20 years...has said from what I have told her, they sound odd..and she would advise me to let him get it out of his system...try not to say anything..just keep an eye on the situation..the more I say, the more he wants to rebel against me.

FTR, I have never done anything but DOTE on my dh, for 23 years..he always came home to a home cooked meal, laundry, love, attention. I have never lied to him, cheated on him, stepped out on him, etc.

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what is that ? wife swap ? No..I do not think they are..

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Live, Love, Laugh

I was trying to figure out how to ask this very question but didn't know how. It sounds like it could be related to drugs or drink. People change for all kinds of reasons and sometimes the reason is the most simple one but the one we are certain could never be the real reason. KWIM?

I haveheard of spouses who suddenly change and it is because they have been introduced to drugs of some kind and that will certainly change your personality and how trustworthy you are. I don't think I have ever met an honest drugger. But as another idiot poster pointed out, I have lived a sheltered life. (readne where I am not close minded or a bigot).

OP, bless your heart. These people sound awful. But remember that your husband is a big boy and he is making his own choices. Don't blame the friends for what he is doing. They may be the influence but in my opinion, I couldn't let my kids get away with things and blame their friends when they knew right from wrong so my husband should follow the same guidelines. He is making terrible choices, it sounds like. Stand up for your way of living and draw the line as to what you will stand for. Be very clear about it and have a plan for if that line gets crossed.

Hopefully, it is how your husband says it is. They are just nice weird people. If that is the case, maybe you can separate them from your husband by making him so busy he doesn't have time for them any more.

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GO NAVY WRESTLING!!BEAT ARMY!!!
RJB 3/18/60 - 5/22/04
We miss you, sweet brother.
Praying for my Marine Son who is deployed somewhere in the sandbox until July, 2008! He's HOME!!!!! God Bless the USA!!!!!

Annarose is asking if they are on drugs. Could be meth or oxy "hillbilly herion" or other illegal substance. It does sound like these people are living an at risk lifestyle and whatever that is, is being brought into your home.
No easy answers here because only you know what you are prepared to put up with or what consequences you are able to handle if you take a stand.

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Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass
It's about learning to dance in the rain.

Is your DH still living in a different state from you? If so, how do you find out about their goings on? Is your DH telling you?

cj/

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I do not think it is drugs.. The dh is ( or make that * was* ) a jailer at the Orlando , FL municipal jail ( he had Casey Anthony as one of his charges )..This past Monday he started a new job...left the jail job..more pay, but the state job ( jail ) was very good with benefits.. I would think he would not want to leave the state job offering excellent benefits. He was tested for drugs often, and is ex-military on top of that..

My dh has a secret clearance for his job and I know ( or I should HOPE!) he knows not to get caught with drugs.

no, I really do not think drugs...I think adult ADHD on the wife's part..I have met her and she had my head spinning by the end of the meeting ( lunch )..just talked a mile a minute. The dh did not say a word...

Yes, my dh does tell me about this "friendship"..he is open about " all the fun they have" ..many times, he would get home from work, change into his "play clothes"..and run to their house..then they would either watch tv or flock to stores together..I would be speaking to him on his cell..it would be 10:30 at night..and they'd be walking into a Target. I would remind him he has work the next day and it is late, etc.

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Live, Love, Laugh

I would not be so quick to rule out the drugs...
Anyone with a little bit of knowledge knows how to get info on passing drug tests. Believe me, we see it where I work every single day.

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Be careful what you wish for.....

If they're going to stores at odd hours, could they be shoplifting?

Lisa

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It's wanting what you've got"

"The happiest people don't necessarily have the best of everything;
they just make the best of everything they have."

No, I do not think they are shoplifting..I think they act like 20 year olds, go into a store, walk around the aisles, pick up an item, comment on it, set it back down..imo nutsy behavior for 3 adults who have young children at home and work the next morning..

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Live, Love, Laugh

This right here gets me. I was the very same way with my EX. At the age of 33 he had a mid-life crisis. We split and now he is living with 2 bisexual women.

I doted, cooked for him, picked up after him, washed his crusty drawers... everything!! And he was unhappy with it!

I have a male friend who told me, that I was probably too good to my ex. That my ex probably took me for granted and got tired of everything being "perfect" OR. that he felt like I was more of a mother to him than a partner. Since I did all that stuff for him. Which makes total sense to me now.

Try acting less like a mom and more like a partner. See what happens.

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If I remember correctly CubMom and her DH are in seperate households in seperate states. Maybe a little more doting would actually be helpful.

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Doing the right thing isn't always the same as doing the easy thing.

If they live in different states then he is probably lonely. When someone is lonely they will befriend anyone, I suppose.

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Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!

If Vegetarians eat Vegetables. Do Humanitarians eat Humans?

DH and I are in different states, too. I know he has reconnected with lots of people on facebook and talks to a lot of them. If he found someone who lived where he is currently living, I'm sure he would be spending time with them, too. It is lonely to be apart, especially as ya'll have been married for so long. However, that being said, your situation would be a challenge. I hope it works out.

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Kim

Well, I have sort of an update. First, yes, my dh lives in Fla and I in another state. He is not alone , though. My son lives with him ( 21) and our other son is visiting at the moment ( he is 17). I will travel down there as soon as I am off the jury duty list ( July 10).

He has connected with several other friends down there..who I do not have a problem with at all. In fact, this fourth of July, he is traveling to visit some old friends ( a couple )..

It is just this particular family just leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

Now, for the update..My dh will be starting college again this Fall..he was saying he has to take at least one class in a B&M classroom...this is under his GI Bill..usually he takes classes online. More than likely he will take classes at UCF, which is about a 40 min drive from where he lives.

I figure, with college classes...there will really be no time for his running around, acting like a teenager

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Tweekers yes as was mentioned are people who do speed or meth. I ask because going to store in the middle of the night is a typical sign of it.

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Faith + Love = Happy

really ? I never heard the term before..what do they get out of going to the store that late?

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Live, Love, Laugh

The tweaker thing, I think they just can't sleep because of the drugs so they just kinda wander around like zombies at stores.

And good luck to you cubmom, I know what you mean about immature/irresponsible/just plain stupid friends...my dh has a few of them, it's kinda pathetic when they're in their 30s or 40s and act like goofy teenagers or just want to drink all the time and then they act stupid because they're a little bit lit... I don't have much patience for people like that.

This doesn't sound like a mid life crisis to me. If the DH is living in a different state from his wife, he's probably just lonely or bored. It sounds like he perked things up by making some 'exciting' friends and he's not lonely or bored anymore.

That's called a personal attack, Cubmom2 and against board rules but that's never stopped you before.

Big surprise that your husband prefers to spend his time elsewhere. FYI, the reason he keeps siding with other people over you is because you're the one who's wrong and he likes them better than you. He's spending his time with them because their company is an improvement over yours! But whose isn't? Your husband lies to you because he wants you to shut up and leave him alone. Since you don't even live with him, how is it your business anyway?

I'm sure that the reason these people were rude to you is that you were rude to them first - like you were to me. People like you never understand that you cause your own problems and always blame someone else for them. Your husband isn't having a mid life crisis - he's just sick of you and anybody's company looks good to him now. I can see why!

Aw cubmom2 I am so sorry to hear about all your personal problems with your dh and his mid life crisis.. From what I have read what you wrote about these friends for me personally the suituation does not seem right nor okay. The best advice I can offer you hon is that you need to talk more to your husband and perhaps spend more time once you get to florida and perhaps some professional help. One thing is for sure this is serious and you need to seriously sit down and have some long discussions with your dh. I sincerely wish you all the best and I also sincerely wish for and your dh that things work out and find out what the problems are to resolve them. Kindly keep us posted we are here for you. Peace. Catherine

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in memory of my beloved beautiful brother Sonny who is now an angel in heaven

"Tweekers" typically refer to meth addicts. It's been my experience that Meth addicts keep odd hours, can't/don't sleep, are paranoid (people are "watching" them), lose weight (they don't eat), begin having serious dental issues (teeth start rotting and/or falling out), and develop signficant skin problems (usually from "picking" at their skin to get the "bugs" from underneath their skin).
Now, I don't know if your DH is associating w/ "tweekers", but I'll say this: If you want to salvage or save your marriage then you better start living together. You can't know what your DH is doing for sure what's going on because you aren't there!
There is no amount of excuses that you can provide to convince me that living seperately is a prudent or wise decision at this point in time.

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You stop and stare
You think I care
I don't
You talk real loud
But you ain't saying nothing cool....."
Pink "Cuz I Can"

Talk to an attorney fast

This is very interesting. I had a Aunt who picked at her skin all the time. She also lost weight and couldn't be still. We always wondered what drug she was doing.

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Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!

If Vegetarians eat Vegetables. Do Humanitarians eat Humans?

Not meaning to come off as nosy, but why don't you live together?

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