Taking a poll to see what you will admit to regarding affairs. Comment away, I am interested in if you have had an affair / if you condone them basically.

Before politics, religiion, abortions, etc, get drug into this, for the record, I have no affiliation to any political party, I am not particularly religious at this point in my life, and well...let's not even bring abortions into this one.

I have never had an extramarital affair, and never will. I feel that if you don't love you significant other, then get a divorce first, don't cheat.

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I totally agree.

no, not, never. I have more self worth than to ever have an affair during a relationship.

Never ever ever ever no way no how, if your marriage is not working and you have tried all means to keep the marriage working and have decided the marriage will end, then get a divorce, then go your separate ways hopefully peaceful, then you both can find new companionship and hopefully be happy. Having a affair is a true sin for me. Peace. Catherine

When my first husband and I separated after 23 years of marriage, I did have an affair, we were not legally separated, but we were living apart. After our divorce, I had a relationship with a married man. THAT I feel worse about than anything. It was totally against anything I had ever been taught, and I know that it was wrong. Would I cheat on my husband now? No way...no how. All of that causes way too much pain for everyone. The opportunities have been there (as I'm sure they are with everyone), but I have no desire. I've made some stupid mistakes in the past, but I've been given a second chance with a wonderful man. I have way too much to lose. And, now (finally), like icansavedaily said, "I have have more self worth than that."

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If you're not living on the edge, you're wasting space.

There's an old saying that my X used to say to me all the time "NEVER SAY NEVER AND ALWAYS"! Here's another one "sh*t happens!"

People do make mistakes and sometimes they learn from those mistakes and sometimes they don't. I believe that an emotional affair where someone is clinging to a person of the opposite sex outside the marriage(or long term relationship) and doing everything except for actually having sex with them but certainly in love with them is actually worse than if a person goes and has "meaningless" sex(an affair) with someone. JMHO.

I met my husband when he was married. I was actually dating a friend of his and he and I became friends. We would talk on the phone and e mail each other. One night I realized that I had feelings for him and told him I could not continue talking to him because it was wrong. He left his home the next day and we ended up getting together and getting married. I would not say we had an affair that was physical however it was emotional.

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Be careful what you wish for.....

I have been married twice.My first husband left me for another woman, which resulted in me having relations whith another man before we were actually divorced.The second marriage my husband was caught having an affair with a lady so I left him and again did have relations with another man before our divorce.As long as my husband is faithful to me ,I am faithful to him.This concerns marriage,and common law marriage.
In conclusion, I believe there is always a risk of the other party straying no matter what type of relationship you choose to have whether it be marriage,common law marriage ,or just an agreement made between two people.I don't believe that any contract can force someone to love you and remain faithful to you.If you want someone to remain faithful to you, you have to give them a reason to .
I would like to believe that 2 people can be married and be truly faithful to each no matter what ,for good and bad ,through thick and thin and all that, but the truth is, no contract can ever guarantee that ,only true love.

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I'm curious...if someone is not legally married and common law is not the law in that person's state but they live together(for a very long time) in a supposedly monogamous relationship masquerading as "fiancées" would it not be considered an affair if one person cheats on the other one? I know it's certainly considered "cheating" but is it an "affair" if you aren't legally married? With so many people choosing to live together without marrying...it's cerainly a valid question!

I think when 2 people are living together or in a relationship that they deem exclusive or monogomous and one goes outside that relationship without the knowledge or permission of the other one, it is an affair...married or not. JMO.

Lisa

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"It's not having what you want,
It's wanting what you've got"

In my opinion it would only be considered cheating if the couple made verbal promises to each other that they would not have relations with other people.I googled but haven't yet found an actual "law" reguarding fiancees.

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My opinion is if you need to be with someone else get a divorce.

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The political system is broke and it's a joke.

That what I believe too!

I don't have any idea what you mean by "law" reguarding fiancees but a "fiancee" means that you are intending(engaged to be married) to get married...you are promising the other person that you will marry them..that is the literal meaning of "fiancee" FYI! So just for the person that doesn't quite "get it"...if you are considering someone your fiancee that means that you are engaged to be married to that person. You can do a dictionary search for that if you do not believe me!

fiancee - definition of fiancee by the Free Online Dictionary, Thesaurus and Encyclopedia.

Where is the word "promise" in that link? Promises are not contracts.

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from dictionary.com


fiancee

1853, from Fr. fianceé, fem. of fiancé, pp. of fiancer "betrothed," from O.Fr. fiancer, from fiance "a promise, trust," from fier "to trust," from V.L. *fidare (see affiance). Has all but expelled native betrothed. The verb fiance, now obsolete, was used c.1450-1600 for "to engage to be married."

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Mental that one, I'm telling you. ---Ron Weasley, "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets"

That is not the same link as Xpcandy posted.But anyway ,like the link marilynk posted, it says,a promise, trust,"to trust". A trust is not a contract.

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Depends on what you consider an affair. Do you mean sex of any type or do you mean emotional affairs too?

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Insanity laughs under pressure we're cracking

OH well people that lie about everything all the time can say whatever they want to to fit their needs at the time. So people are supposed to sign a contract to get engaged or else it's fine and dandy to screw around on them for 10 years? HAHAHAHA! Whatever you want to believe DoDea!. I'd like to know who said anything about a contract...do you have a contract with your current roommate? HEEHEEHEE! I bet if your current roommate cheated on you you'd call it an affair right? I bet you don't have a signed contract with him?

Being faithful is only one part of the wedding vows that people break. It also seems to be the one part that most people want to concentrate on. So many of the other vows get broken on a daily basis. As for affairs, I don't condone them, but I think they happen more than most people want to admit. I bet many of us would be very surprised to find out the amount of people in our lives who have indeed been unfaithful.

People can do whatever they want, its none of my business if they want to have a contract to get engaged or whatever.
As for me and my present boyfriend, we have bought engagement rings for each other and have promised each other we would not see anyone else and neither of us have.We have no contracts of any kind, we have plans to get married but we have not set a date.I do know that things can happen and not all engagements end with a marriage license.Only time will tell.
Yes, if my current boyfriend had relations with another women I would call it cheating because we have told each other we would be exclusive.
There are many people today that have "open marriages" .In those cases I feel it would not be cheating.

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When people have OPEN relationships(marriages or otherwise) it is a relationship that is agreed upon by both parties...not just when one person decides they want to screw around and decide it's OK because they want it that way while the other person is clueless and stays in the relationship thinking that the mate is being faithful. That is NOT what an OPEN relationship means! I realize that's what YOU think it means but it's NOT!

Where did I say that?

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You didn't SAY it you lived it!

You have not lived my life ,therefore you would not know.

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Whatever you say Deanna!

Why the hostility?

The "YOU lived it" seems a little judgmental to me....

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I'm the kind of woman when my feet hit the floor in each morning, the devil says "Oh crap, she's up."

HAHAHA! You'd just have to have been there....HAHAHA!

I think it depends on the situation. Don't judge someone until you walk a mile in there shoes, is what I say/think.

I concur. ~Lisa

Each post has gotten nuttier and nuttier....sad

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Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent.

E. Roosevelt

YEP, very nutty and very sad situation to say the least!

aka The Dumpcan

It's hard to think of reasons why an affair would be "okay". People take vows, period. Even if a divorce is in PROCESS, I don't think I'd always consider one of the parties dating someone else an "affair". There are circumstances on that line of thought, pro and con, too.

For most instances, the "walk a mile in their shoes" or "people are human, they make mistakes" should be used for rare instances, things that don't happen often. So many affairs happen for bullcrap reasons, those terms don't even apply anymore. An affair isn't just a "mistake", it's a situation created by people with BRAINS in their head to know what they're doing is wrong.

Those thoughts may seem harsh, but it's amazing what goes on in this country that doesn't have an real or serious consequences anymore! One of my bosses is going through a divorce - husband cheated on her with her (EX) best friend. There is proof, the husband and ex bf admitted it, etc. Would you believe adultery no longer matters to a judge in a divorce case? I know it USED to matter, that's what blows my mind.

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Wow xpcandy, your hubby must be really proud of you coming to a chat board and giving his ex a hard time, but really you are looking like a lunatic in the process. Sad.

Yeah my husband is very proud to have finally found a loving caring woman after all he's been through. OH well the chat room posts don't even begin to compare to the crap I've had done to me!

It has been a long time since most states required grounds for gramting a divorce. IMHO, I think that if people want a divorce, they should get one.

Are you saying that you want us to return to the days where one party must prove that they have been wronged in a public forum before a divorce can be granted?

No one, certainly not the court, is saying that infidelity is okay in your friend's case. Only that it probably doesn't help anyone involved to drag this type of dirty laundry into a public forum.

Thanks for clarifying why the posts were getting nutty.

I thought this was the case, but really never thought any sane person would post this way.

Anybody who is so happy in her new relationship would not be doing this....'nuf said?

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Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent.

E. Roosevelt

wow! and I thought I had issues...xpcandy, you might want to seek professional help for you anger

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Mental that one, I'm telling you. ---Ron Weasley, "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets"

...beyond strange....

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I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code. -Emo Phillips

xp,
I don't want to seem like a bitch or the grammar police but it's considering

Usually it doesn't bother me when someone spells a word wrong , but if it is going to be in your signature I thought you might want to have it spelled right.

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Insanity laughs under pressure we're cracking

Well said...I totally agree with you on this one! ~Lisa

No, I'm not saying one party must prove that they have been wronged in a public forum. Many divorces are NOT done in a public forum, I'm not sure what that has to do with anything. I'm just surprised that a judge wouldn't care about adultery.

And yes, you can go before a judge in a divorce case without having a jury. That's how this particular case was supposed to go, but the cheating ding-a-ling is the one that wanted it before a jury. I guess I'm saying that adultery SHOULD matter on the outcome, meaning that the person who's been cheated ON should have a bit more coming to them than, well, a big fat zero. I don't think a person who's cheated should just be able to say, "Hey there, it's been real, I'm gonna take as much as I want and after 30 years of marriage and raising 4 kids, I figure you should get nothing".

kvmj - I went back and read my previous post, I see now what you thought I was saying. I wasn't clear - I was posting more along the lines of not condoning an affair. I think it's sad that when getting a divorce, that adultery plays no matter in the final outcome of division, especially after a few decades of marriage and a few children. I guess I think that if a person screws around during their marriage, they should be screwed right back in the divorce proceedings.

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LOL, no kidding!

It's hysterical how a person verbally throws down on someone else on a public form, for a private matter. How idiotic! Most people don't have a clue, and even more people don't give a crap anyway. It's not in the least impressive, and the most they're embarrassing is themselves.

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Well call me old-fashioned, but I think there is honor in keeping the vows you make. I think love is as much a decision as it is a feeling. I think it's a tragedy that so little thought seems to be given to the fact that it is not just about what the *other* person does, but rather about a high level of personal integrity regardless of the actions of the other partner.

I'm watching some friends set their children up for a lifetime of screwed-up relationships because they have lived in utter disregard for the vows they made to their original spouses. Rather than try to work things out in their marriages, they chose to stray... and after divorcing, now I guess they have decided they are free to be together... they are church-hopping with their four small kids, apparently looking for some church that will condone the fact that their relationship began as an adulterous affair that deeply wounded their original spouses - spouses who would love to have their families intact.

I see them and I want to throw up. They are unfaithful people. They are teaching their kids that mix 'n match is fine if it's what you feel like doing. They will become adults who see families as disposable units if you see somebody you *want* more than you want your spouse.

It makes me more ill than I can begin to say on an internet message board. I've absolutely lost all respect for people I used to think I knew pretty well, and it sucks.

I don't know that a court can or should indulge a desire for vengeance, no matter how great the civil wrong. Vindictiveness is not considered a noble emotion.

When I say airing dirty laundry in a public forum, I do not know that any state seals court records in matters of divorce. Any person can walk in and read the records.

Two of you share a husband?

dl

Seriously.....

You aren't coming across as funny, or intelligent, or even as if you are contributing to the discussion. You sounds more like a whack-a-doodle....

Might want to rethink your tone.

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I'm the kind of woman when my feet hit the floor in each morning, the devil says "Oh crap, she's up."

Well....I don't think the proper term should be vengeance. Marriage is a verbal, emotional, mental, (at times, religious) physical and contractual agreement. If one person breaks a contract in any OTHER venue, that person has to be held accountable and do what's right. Why not in marriage, too?

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What you described, and, I'm paraphrasing here, was, "he cheated so he deserves a lesser share of the joint assets." Sounds like a desire for vengeance to me. You would like to see the man punished, no? You would like the judge to assign blame and a penalty.

I just don't see a benefit in assigning blame.

I don't know why, but I guess I'm kind of surprised that nearly 20% of respondees have had affairs. I thought it would be a smaller number.

cj/

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I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code. -Emo Phillips