A friend of mine was asking me about Power of Attorney, and because I have no idea about that, I told her I'd post on a forum and ask you guys. I spend a lot of time on MC and hope if someone has a moment, they might give an answer to this scenario... We sure appreciate it! You guys are always go engaging have have such good advice. Rounded and honest advice!

Imagine that my friend and her fiance' either can't or won't get married, for whatever personal reasons (Really, she has never wanted to get married). Yet, they want to be able to make all of the LEGAL decisions a married couple would make for each other. For instance, if one of them ends up in the hospital, they want to be able to make decisions for each other. They also want to be able to make other important decisions, such as financial stuff, etc., should the need arise. They each own their own houses AND land, all free and clear....no liens, or debts, and neither has a will. Neither wants to leave their house/land to the other. (They are trying to keep things really simple, I guess!) One has 3 grown children, and the man's land/house would be left to them. The lady, has no children or inheritors. What happens in the afterlife is not their concern right now -- they are not trying to figure out which inheritors will get what property when one them dies, nothing like that. A Will should take care of that, they hope! But what they DO want to be able to do is have the power IF one of them ends up comatose in the hospital, or if one has died, to say something like, "Betsy didn't want to be on life support like this, so as her 'significant other' who has power of attorney over her, I say we should remove her from life support, and respect her wishes." Or, "Betsy has died, and even though you are her daughter and you wanted your mother buried, SHE told me she wanted to be cremated, and as I have power of attorney for her, that is what we shall do to respect her wishes." (Okay, so maybe this scenario seems very blunt, but aren't THESE reasons one would want power of attorney for each other after all? To make those most important decisions?)

Would you advise that my friend and her fiance' each gain Power of Attorney for each other so that they CAN make deicions like this? They would each need to have POA, right?

Is it difficult, expensive? How do they do it? Will they have to hire a lawyer, or is there a form you can download, fill out, and have notarized? What are the problems that might arise if they DO get power of attorney, if any?


I imagine POA laws vary state by state?

Thanks so much you guys for your help. My DH didn't know much about this either, and I guess if you are not a lawyer, or you've never had to use POA, this legal stuff sure can be confusing. Trying to read up on it on the Wiki only made my head swim. I am hoping some of you can explain it to me and my friend in laymen's terms. We need a For Dummies book on it, LOL!
THANKS, you guys!!!!!! I'm sending my friend the link to this so she can read it later, for herself. She's at work right now, and we are hoping by tonight someone can help us figure this stuff out.

For some reason, my mom had to get POA over my dad when he was in a vegetative state, dying, 13 years ago. I guess because he was in a hospital in another state. I dunno anymore....but you'd think being married would have been enough, right? Well, apparently, it wasn't. My dad did not have a will. I don't know the details anymore, but maybe my DH and I might need to look into getting POA for each other also, now that I am on the subject! My parents had been legally married for 23 years, then dad got sick and died. There must have been some reason mom had to get POA over him. Gosh, this stuff is confusing and scary!! And it seems like the will is never enough. And then there's probate....oh Lord, I need an Excedrin now! LOL !

If your friend can't or won't get married, he's NOT her fiance! A fiance is someone to whom you're engaged to be married. Why use the 'fiance' term when you know it's meaningless? There's plenty of other terms that fit better. He's her boyfriend, he's her shack job, he's her lover, he's her friend but since she has no intention of marrying him, he's not a fiance!

As for the POA, they are neither difficult nor expensive and they will need one to make medical decisions for each other since they aren't married. The couple doesn't need to hire a lawyer but they do need to have the form notorized and filed with the court. They also need to check back and make sure it was properly filed. There are hundreds of free forms you can download, fill out, and have notarized. The problems that might arise if they DO get power of attorney are too many to mention. There better be a high level of trust because in some cases, the POA's wishes can outrank the patient's if there's a medical issue and the patient is deemed too sick to make their own decisions. People aren't always as in tune as they think so spell it out. There can be financial issues too so watch the terminology in the contract.

The downloadable POA contracts can be altered to suit you so your friends should decide whether they want to give a general power of attorney or just a medical one and at what level they want it to become valid. An internet search will explain all the different options and it's something they should read about because it matters. There's even POA contracts that allow the POA to assign the right to make decisions to anyone of their choosing (anyone at all!) so the fine print matters - a LOT. Your friend needs to trust her partner and needs to devise a contract that she's comfortable with so reading up on the subject is the first thing she should do if she doesn't want to pay a lawyer. If she doesn't want to read up on the subject, a lawyer won't charge very much to file a simple POA especially if she brings a copy of the contract she wants with her.

First, I am not an attorney, but have the experience to give you general information as long as you remember that each state will have varying laws so I speak generally.

I agree with opaldancing's first paragraph, but you can't change their status. They want all the benefits of being married, but are working harder trying to go around it.

Medically, I would pursue "medical / healthcare surrogate" before a POA. Being named medical / healthcare surrogate allows that person to make the health decisions. While POA can typically also make those decisions, it is more for financial, property, etc decisions.

Know that POA ceases upon a person's death. As far as cremation or burial, that will be up to the person's legal next of kin. If I read correctly, his will be his adult children and in her case, most likely parents, then brothers/sisters, etc if she has no children.

I think they are making much more hassle for themselves than necessary.
If they are adamant, they should at least consult with an attorney to make sure something they are dreaming up will stand in court, whether challenged or not.

dl