My husband's cousin's husband fell on Saturday into their pool and broke his back. He will be in a wheelchair for the rest of his life. He is only in his late 50's. About 10 years ago her daughter was in a car accident and has been in a wheelchair since then. How much heartbreak does one family have to endure?

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Wow. That's sad. Stuff happens to families it seems and there's no explanation as to why. The good news is they are making huge advances in spinal cord injuries, so maybe something could happen to help them?

I went to school with a guy who was a good friend. A couple weeks after high school graduation he went swimming with some friends and dove into a lake that he didn't realize was too shallow and broke his neck. He spent the next few years in a wheelchair. Then one day he, his brother & dad went fishing. The boat capsized. He drowned and his brother drowned trying to save him. It was terrible.

Lisa

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"It's not having what you want,
It's wanting what you've got"

I'm sorry for the family and I don't mean to diminish the pain however every single family I know has been through unspeakable terrible things. Most families have they just don't share it with everyone.

I hope they find the strength to deal with it.

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The political system is broke and it's a joke.

Wow that's too bad.

WOW, how awful! Was the pool empty?

No it wasn't empty. He just happened to fall into the pool somehow and broke his back. I don't know all the details. We're getting bits of information through his daughters on FaceBook. I talked to his wife last night and she said that he's very depressed about it. Doesn't want to be a burden to the family and wishes they'd just left him in the pool to die. Just such a shame.

I know lots of families have bad things happen to them. Forgive my whining.

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Gosh, that is just heartbreaking. I am so sad this has happened, what a horrible fate. And you have to wonder why this kind of thing happens...........

There's no limit to heartbreak - some get a little, some get a lot. I'm sorry for your friend. If he just broke his back on Saturday, how could any doctor tell him by Tuesday that he'll be in a wheelchair for the rest of his life? There hasn't even been time to run all the tests needed for such a final diagnosis.

There's been some very promising studies on spinal cord injuries and they may help him. I'd take what that doctor said with a BIG grain of salt because spinal injuries are very slow healing and three days isn't long enough to determine whether he'll ever walk again.

Oh how sad, saying prayers for that family.

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Brianna

Very good points.

I work at one of the best spinal/brain injury rehabilitation hospitals in the southeast. It's AMAZING what they do with these injuries. In most cases, the sooner the patient starts getting intensive rehab, the better.

I hope your friend will end up at a very good place to start getting better!

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I saw a story today about an "external" skeleton that is going to be on the market in 2010. It will allowing people to walk with crutches that hadn't walked in 20 years. It is a series of what appears to be belts around the body that I believe stimulate the body and allow it to function. The cost will be $20,000.00 It will be for people that can move their arms.

Thanks everyone for your kind thoughts. I'm hoping as time goes on perhaps the prognosis won't be so bad. My heart just breaks for the wife. She went through all this with her daughter 10 years ago and now her husband.

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They are both alive. (enough said .... )

They have been working on this for years. My husband was in the business of wheelchairs, elevators, etc. for people with disablilities. Electrically stimuating the muscles has worked.

Life sadly does stink, and who really knows why these things happens, I can only say I will offer a sincere prayer for the entire family... Peace. Catherine

I've been thinking the same thing....

I'm very sorry for your Friend and his family. God Speed to him/ However the statement he made about being left to die just wows me. Being in a wheel chair is not the end of the world and it sounds like he needs to seek professional help dealing with this. You need to talk to his wife since you are good friends with her. People have gone thru much worse than a wheelchair , you can't sit back and feel sorry for yourself ( KWIM), He needs to get help to deal with this. the sooner the better.While its a sad event that took place he is still breathing- living and I'm sure his family would want it this way no matter what( wheel chair or not ). I would suggest you not to buy into this self pity.you have too be blunt and tell his wife he needs help. Especially if the doctors are saying he will be wheelchair bound for life, He will end up making everyone disliking him before too long. I guess it just wows me since you said they have a DD in a wheel chair. I hope she doesn't think thats what he was thinking when they told him( them) she woud be in a wheel chair for life. If she hasn't already thought this with him saying if daily or when ever she will soon be thinking is that what Daddy thought about me ?.
Best of luck and wishes for him and his family.

You're right that he does need to talk about this with someone, but it's not uncommon at all for people to feel this way.

There are different stages people will go through mentally, physically and emotionally. Denial, rage, suicidal thoughts, etc. Not every traumatic injury patient goes through each one, but many at least go through some degree of depression.

As far as the whole "at least theyi're alive" comment...people need to be allowed to experience and get through their grief. I see it every day with the brain and spinal injuries in our hospital, but I can't imagine myself what it would be like to have my life as I know it ripped out of my hands in one swift move. There's just so much to deal with on the side of the patient and the family. In ideal cases, patients come around to be happy they're alive and work hard towards regaining as much normalcy as they can. There aren't many people that live through a traumatic event and just snap to with "at least I'm alive". With good mental and physical care, they should get there, but they do need some time to deal.

Maybe I'm just more sensitive to situations like that working where I do, but I can't imagine someone ever saying to one of our patients, "at least you're alive".

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Thanks for your educated opinion. That's what I was thinking too. The man just had this tragedy befall him. I think he should be allowed a bit of self pity before coming to grips with what has happened to him. I'm sure his wife and all the hospital staff will suggest counseling during the course of his recovery if they feel it's needed.

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I can speak to the at least he's alive comment. I don't think that comment devalues the hard road he has ahead of him. Nor does it mean he can't grieve for his new condition, etc... But the bottom line is, he is alive, he still has a life to live and he is still just as valuable as he was before the accident. Having grown up losing someone close to me from sudden death about every two years I can tell you that "at least he's alive" comment means alot to me. When my cousins son was in that horrible accident a year ago that took his young wife and unborn son "at least he's alive" was often spoken in the hospital waiting room. It's been a year and a half of rehab and he's still not back yet but they do expect a full recovery eventually. He went through a lot of depression and still struggles but that's ok-he's alive and still has a future with his little girl. So that phrase does not devalue the struggles anyone is facing, it just means "hey they are still alive, you still have your brother, son, uncle, etc....".

NEVER, EVER should it be "self pity"! Perhaps grief over what happened, and grief over what is felt to be loss and definitely fear and anxiety for the future. But self pity is not something you want any patient to feel.

Having lost my best friend at 13 (he was 12) I would have much preferred to have him in a wheelchair than dead. However, having a member of my extended family who contracted Equine Encephalitis at the age of 6 months that left him "alive", but in a pretty much vegatative state, I can see where people might think "oh, it would be so much more compassionate and less painful (for him) if he'd died".

The attitude of the people directly affected will determine how this situation work outs. Self pity, and pity from others won't be helpful at all.
Sometimes you have to play the hand you're dealt--and sometimes to win the game of life, you just have to bluff your way through until you get better cards.

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Mental that one, I'm telling you. ---Ron Weasley, "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets"

Yes, it does devalue the hard road he has ahead of him and his current suffering because it sounds like you think he has no right to complain about his tragedy since it could have been even worse. Think of it this way - if you were in the kitchen deep frying french fries and that full pan of hot grease fell and burned off most of your feet, how would you react if someone said "At least, you're alive"? Would you see that as caring or as a brush off of your agony and fear of being crippled? It might be true but nobody wants to hear how lucky they are when they're in pain and scared. They don't feel so lucky even they know it could have been worse.

After a year and a half it's a lot easier to say "Hey, I'm alive, I'm recooping, it's hard, but I'm doing it!" then it is to say that a couple days after an accident.

I think what surprised me is that this guy had it happen 4 days ago - that is NOT a lot of time to come to grips with his situation. There are so many things that go through the mind - why me, what kind of burden will I be on my family, what will my life be like, will my wife/husband come to hate/resent me because they have to take care of me, what financial mess will all this cause, why didn't I just die...etc. It's a MESS for a while. There is so much confusion and fear of what lies ahead. Once a person has a plan, a road to recovery, some progress - then they learn to feel/think differently. You don't accomplish the "at least he's alive" goal in 4 days. The emotional and mental pain is very real and they NEED to experience it to deal with it to move through it. There are some people that might say "I'm so grateful to be alive" right away, but I've noticed these are patients that might have a temp paralysis, or a highly positive prognosis for 90%- full recovery.

Like I said, I think because I work in this area I see what happens, I see the stages. I guarantee you if anyone around here said "he's lucky to be alive", they'd be picking up their last paycheck right quick.

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Apparently the docs are having a hard time getting him off the respirator. According to his daughter who posted on FaceBook "he has pool water in his lungs" and may have pneumonia now.

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That's just terrible! I cannot imagine the horror the family is feeling!

I cannot believe the most awfully rude comments some people are making! At least he's not dead? GIVE ME A BREAK!

I don't know that the comment "at least he's alive" is rude---people say things that they think are appropriate in times of grief that really may or may not be "helpful" to a grieving family. For instance: "well, at least they are in Heaven" ---really? You guarantee that? You know for sure?
or "at least they aren't suffering"---yeah, but now the one's left behind are suffering grief and loss. "It's for the best/it was meant to be"---again, really?? You know this how?

I have found the best thing to say is "I'm sorry. Is there anything I can do to help?" is best.

I stand by my self-pity comment though! "Allowing" self-pity is not generally a good idea--it breeds depression, self-contempt and a whole slew of other things that just won't do anyone any good.

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Mental that one, I'm telling you. ---Ron Weasley, "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets"

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Oh so sorry the comment about he's alive- breathing wasn't for YOU to tell him, it was for YOU as in please don't buy into the comment he had said about
being left for dead.( as feeling sorry that he has to be in a wheel chair ). Sorry I didnt explain it that way. Hope that makes sense,. My mom is one of those people that think about thing bad that happens to someone she starts to feel sorry and then AGREES with them if they make comments like "I wish I had no lived, She will say to them I can understand that.(Kind of floors me ). I have told her before she needs to point out the POSITIVE things about them and not buy into the sadness, grief or in some cases self pity..

Sorry I wasn't clearer on this.

I know I wasn't meaning to be rude about it and I really don't think anyone else was either ( or I hope not ). Sometimes its hard to convey just what or how we want to sound in typed words. I only meant and I do standby my comment if he doesn't get help in dealing with the depression ( even in 4 days since this happen ) it can and usually does turn into depression = self pity = lost value in you living. Thats a hard life when you are always so depressed about events thats happen to you. I hate to see anyone so depressed they believe or start to believe that being dead is better than what their life was before the event.

I'll just agree to disagree with you on this one. When I have thought or said that it was not in the least devaluing the hard road or the circumstances. And if I was in the hospital and someone came to see me and said I'm so glad you are still alive I would take that as being concerned, and sincerely glad they aren't at my funeral, etc... Since this is just all the written word I would like to add that most of it is in the way it's conveyed verbally and your body language which you can't see on here. I know that when my cousins son was in that tragic accident that's all we ALL were saying in those days of waiting, even the parents. So I think alot of it depends on the circumstance, the way it's communicated, etc...

For the record. I did NOT say "at least ...." I find there to be a huge difference between what I wrote and what it has morphed in to. I apologize if anyone believes I minimized the impact these two accidental injuries have had on your family. We weren't discussing life altering brain injuries when I made my post.

Also, "we" are responding to the wife of a man whose cousin was recently injured. We aren't talking to the injured person, nor his immediate family, who have to deal with this right now.

ETA - I hope his respiratory problems resolve soon.

I suggest he contact: Welcome to Dr. Dan Gottlieb
He sponsors an online forum on Tuesdays from 3-4 p.m. ET at The Christopher and Dana Reeve Foundation:
Community Server Blog and Forum - Christopher and Dana Reeve Foundation

I think this psychologist may be of some help. Dr Dan was paralyzed from the chest down in a near fatal automobile accident.

I will keep your cousin's husband, daughter, and your friend in my thoughts and prayers.

Here's an update......... and life just keeps throwing this poor family more hurdles to handle.

The cousin's husband that fell into the pool and was paralyzed has been doing quite well. Adjusted to his limited abilities. His wife is adjusting also to her new role as caregiver. His only problem has been with his self-cathing to empty his bladder. It had gotten to the point that there was considerable amounts of blood in his urine. Upon a complete examination, CT scan, blood work it turns out this poor man is full of cancer. At first they thought it was only his prostate but it's in his bones and throughout his body.

My heart aches for him and his wife. Please, if you can, pray for this family that they find some peace.

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I'm so sorry. This poor man and his family have had to deal with so much suffering and grief.

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I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!

They will be kept in my prayers.
Judy

I think this post and your other posts in this thread give some good perspective on life-changing injuries.

My heart goes out to the entire family.

Life isn't fair

Wow, that's alot to deal with. His wife will have to be strong and help him through, but I hope she has support as well. They will all need it!


"at least their still alive"????? SO, as long as you don't die, the rest life throws at you should be a cake walK???? that's ridiculous.

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Melissa

God bless them. Today is Divine Mercy Sunday and I ask God for bountiful mercy for this family.

May God truly truly bless this entire family eternal prayers.Peace. Catherine

I have no words, but I will pray for him and his entire family and his friends.

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Square dancing is friendship set to music!

Thank you for the update.

Such a sad chain of events.

This family will be in my prayers. Thanks so much for sharing their story.

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"The errors of faith are better than the best thoughts of unbelief." - Thomas Russell