I swear that some men are so friggin' obstinate and hard-headed.

What is so hard to understand about "I don't love you, I'm sorry. I want a divorce."
Mind you, this is not a new revelation to the man. He's known this for a while. He refuses, just refuses, to admit that it's over. The marriage is irrepairably damaged/broken---due to his behaviour, lies and deceit, abuse and extracurricalar sexual activities outside the marriage. Now, don't get me wrong; the female half is not necessarily the easiest person to live with, but she has never left the house to go and exchange sexual favors with some man (yes, HE went to meet another man) that she "met" on Craigslist. And there is a suspicion that the exchange occurred in a parked vehicle, in broad daylight! I mean, really?

I'm just venting....I'm having a very bad summer and really hope that there are brighter and less stressful days ahead!

__________________
"God is great,
Beer is good, and people are crazy"

I'm sorry. I hope things get better for you soon. That's got to be rough to go through.

Lisa

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"It's not having what you want,
It's wanting what you've got"

"The happiest people don't necessarily have the best of everything;
they just make the best of everything they have."

I'm very sorry :-(

I hope things get better...

There ARE brighter days ahead...hoping your bumpy road ends soon....

Marylin there it light at the end of the tunnel. I hope you get there soon. It's too bad someone else's denial has to affect your life so much. I hope you get things straightened out really soon.

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Faith + Love = Happy

That sucks, things will get better for you. Sometimes it helps to vent

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Proud mom to 4 great boys Anthony20,Nicholas16,Michael4,Sean2

marilynk I offer a sincere prayer and hugs to you, this must be extremely difficult for you on so many levels. I noticed you had not been on for awhile and was wondering. As you say and I believe sometimes when you have given it , your all , and your tired to work things and resolve your problems it is so much better as you say to just let it go already. I am dearly sorry for your suituation and sincerely hope your future will be brighter and on a emotionally level you may find peace. Hugs and keep us posted peace... Catherine

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in memory of my beloved beautiful brother Sonny who is now an angel in heaven

Wow that's really nasty. The behavior of this man is definitely self centered and arrogant so it would match that he can't believe someone would stand up against him. Sorry to hear about this.

I think the title of your thread applies to you more than him!

You always ask "What is so hard to understand about "I don't love you, I'm sorry. I want a divorce." What's so hard for him to understand is that you really mean it. After all, if you did mean it, you'd leave. Count the years that you've been telling him this. How many times has he heard that now? A gazillion? And you're still there, aren't you? You just vent over and over and over again and the years go by and nothing ever changes. You're still unhappy - you're just older now. How many more years of your life will you waste? And for an unemployed wife abuser that picks up men off of Craig's List? You keep saying that you don't want to hurt him. For the love of God, why would sacrifice your own happiness for somebody like that? How can you think that the emotional state of a down low, cheating abuser is more important than your own emotional state? He never even shows you the courtesy of discretion! But why should he? He knows he can get away with treating you like this.

I'm not trying to be mean. I'm actually trying to help you and saying I'm sorry again won't do that. Somebody needs to tell you that venting again and again won't change anything for you. It never has. You've posted dozens of times about your mentally ill, abusive husband and how terrible he is and you should know by now that he isn't going to magically become a different person. He is what he is. I don't know how you can still hope that there are brighter and less stressful days ahead but the only way your situation will change is if you change it.

This has been going on too long for you to be considered his victim anymore. You're holding on to him just as much as he's holding on to you. You must be getting something out of this hellish marriage even if it's just that you like playing the martyr but remember, martyrs are usually miserable. It comes with the territory.

If you ever want to be happy then you'll have to take your own advice - just let go.

oh see...I am letting go. I have an appt w/ my attorney on Monday to file.

I guess, I hoped, or foolishly thought he'd behave appropriately during this time and our children wouldn't have to be subject to his misdeeds and bad behaviour. Unfortunately, I thought by staying with him, we could make it work. I see now that it is impossible. Part of believing it could work was because I was raised in a two parent household--my parents have been married 50+ years. Part of trying to make it work, was because I didn't want to admit that I screwed up and allowed myself to be the victim. Part of it was because, most time, it was easier to stay together than leave him. And part of it was, at one time he threatened to kill me if I left, then he threatened to kill anyone who stood between he and I(more specifically my family) and then he threatened to kill himself. Fear and guilt are a great motivator! However, I have since come to the realization that I was played like a fiddle. He manipulated and twisted me in so many directions I didn't know whether I was coming or going.
I have my **** together at this point in time. I have my plan. I just wish for the children's sake he'd make this easy.
And he's not unemployed--he actually works out of our home.

And I'll share what really prompted me into action: One of the girls in the office told her husband she wanted a divorce (2 kids and 20+ years of marriage). He did go off and kill himself. But, she managed to get through it. I thought to myself "if she can do it, why can't I?" She displayed a courage and strength that was remarkable (and still is). I was in awe, and yes I told her, of the strength she displayed. She had been miserable far longer than I have been--but she managed to pull herself together and tell him she wanted out.

I'm tired of being miserable. I refuse to be the victim or be a martyr. I'm done. I'm a strong, smart, and some might even say "pretty" woman who doesn't need any more of this crap any longer.

__________________
"God is great,
Beer is good, and people are crazy"

Don't freak out that I'm responding to one of your posts... I know we don't see eye to eye on issues around here but for what it's worth when I first read your post I was hoping you were talking about some daytime drama talk show you were watching and wanted to talk about, not about your own personal experience.

I was sad when I started to realize it wasn't on TV, it is happening to you.
So many times people have "put it all out there" on this board only to be kicked in the teeth again.
I just wanted to offer a message of "Wow, I'm really proud of you trying to put your life back together even though it's hard".

Good, Bad and Ugly, I still look around here and feel like some of the oldest members around here are like extended family because we've lived so much of our lives in front of each other over the past 10 years.

So it might seem weird to think I'm sending warm fuzzies in your direction, consider the fact that I am sending you "hang in there" vibes. I respect how hard this is going to be for you.

Sorry if this violates the "Don't ever speak to me again rule" we had in place for so long. I just felt I needed to let you know people out here care.

X

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A thousand times I've failed
Still Your mercy remains,
And should I stumble again
Still I'm caught in Your grace

Here's another support post, from me, believe it or not. I personally do not understand why people (men or women) can't act responsibly and follow through on their promises, trusts, plans, future, and realize it's not all about them. But nowadays, that's it. It's all about the selfish person and while I've definitely disagreed with you in the past and found you to be all knowing, this shouldn't happen to you.

Get your act together, make a plan you can follow, and tread lightly on how much your kids know. I am not saying lie to them, I am simply saying don't make him out to be worse. My parents divorced and as awful as life was for us, and my mom, she didn't put him down because she knew we could see it ourselves. Try to be as neutral as possible in discussions with your sons.

Remember that this too, shall pass and get going now. Focus on the three of you, not him. Focus on the future.

dl

I've done an enormous amount of soul searching in the last year. I want to think that I've done some emotional growing as well. I'm trying hard to be a good person, a good employee, a good mother....but it has been hard to finally reach this point.

15 years of marriage is hard to let go of. I wanted so badly to succeed where others have failed. I wanted so badly to think that I could change a person.

I have learned that 1) this (breakup) is not my fault. 2) I don't know everything and I most certainly can't change a person's moral compass or their personality with my love--I've tried. 3) being a victim is not fun and after a while wears away at your soul, when you start to become bitter and angry--you've stayed too long.

As I told the husband: As long as he doesn't expose our children to his abhorrent behaviours, and his behaviours do not spill over into his ability to be a father, then he will continue to be their Daddy--and I will foster a positive and healthy relationship between the kids and their Daddy. Frankly, I don't want to use the really horrible things against him--it will only make things more difficult for all involved.

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"God is great,
Beer is good, and people are crazy"

Sending prayers & positive thoughts to you and your children. I'm sure you know all the steps by heart, but please do take all the necessary steps to protect yourself, and never give him the benefit of the doubt. He hasn't earned it.

I can promise you after the upheaval, there is peace that you cannot begin to imagine yet.

Best of luck.

This had me LOL. Things can seem so "important" at the time, and then you look at the big picture and those same things are rather trivial.

Marilyn, I think if he would just "let go" it make it easier on you, but, I don't think anything about divorce is ever easy. A friend once told me that when she got divorced, it was as if her spouse had died. Even tho things didn't work out, she still had feelings for her ex as a human being.

I'm glad you are filing on Monday. No need to put off the inevitable any longer. When someone betrays your trust like that, it is very difficult to recover from that.

And, speaking as someone who has seen a picture of you, you ARE a pretty woman.

Here's something to cheer you up..... did you see the litter box cake I made for my DD's b'day??? It's on FB. ENJOY....LOL.

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Doing the right thing isn't always the same as doing the easy thing.

Marilyn, like another poster or two 'up there', I don't always see eye to eye with you, but I have always been impressed by your matter-of-fact approach to your marriage and your ability to acknowledge that things were not picture perfect, but that you weren't walking around wearing blinders. I always got the impression that you knew "it is what it is" and that your commitment to seeing it through overshadowed any emotional reaction you might want to have that might lead you to break that commitment.

So if it's gotten to the point that it is no longer acceptable to you, I think it is commendable that you have been able to come to that conclusion from a place of well-thought-out wisdom and not just a fly-off-the-handle fit. I am sure it will be hard, but it sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders and aren't under any illusions about the battle ahead of you.

Best of luck with this, and many prayers to you.

A bit off topic but in reading all the responses to Marilynk and her thread I feel a warm feeling that it is nice to know that while most of us in the past myself always included did not agree on many subjects, that we can put it behind us and come together as a small community here on the cafe and support a member when they are going through a rough time in their personal life. Again Marilynk you are doing the best for all concerned and again I sincerely wish the best outcome of this sad suituation. Peace. Catherine

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in memory of my beloved beautiful brother Sonny who is now an angel in heaven

"Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose" Kris Kristofferson (also sung by Janis Joplin)

I am sooooo sorry for your hurt and troubles, but on the Great Balance Sheet of Marriage*, there are far more entries on the negative side than the positive side. Stop beating yourself up for his s*** and get free. You are a strong, smart, talented woman and you deserve much, much better. Remember, Karma has a way of fixing things.......



*Just some late night, skewed advice......

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"It's not about how much baggage you have, it's about whether or not you can carry your own baggage with grace and dignity."

I have to say, in a positive way, not to dump, but that this certainly does explain a lot of your aggression on the boards here; no hard feelings. Thank you for feeling comfortable enough for sharing with us. Stay strong girl, and follow your convictions. Yes, you totally deserve better than what you have been getting. Kudos to you for not wanting the kids to be caught in the crossfire.

YES! YES! YES! Exactly!

THAT'S what you need to tell yourself because it's true. Now, you can take all that strength sapping energy you spent trying to help him, trying to hold on, trying to get through another day and use it to ENJOY life. There's going to be some grieving for the death of the marriage (that's only natural) but once you get through it, life is going to be SO much better for you and your children. You're going to be shocked at the difference. You don't deserve to be treated like that - you never did. I'm so glad you see that and better days are ahead for you.

Good luck!

Marilyn,
I am sending every positive thought I can your way. This isn't going to be easy, but you can do it. Just making the decision is a huge step forward. I so applaud you for thinking of your sons and giving your soon to be ex the opportunity to step up and do the right thing by them. If he fails it's on him.
Most people here probably have been through a hard break-up or divorce and can tell you what made it work for them. My mantra when I would have issues in my divorce process was "Stay the course, the sun will come up tomorrow and I will figure my way out of this too".

I know you can do this. And I know that you can come here to blow off steam when the whole thing is making you crazy. (And it will make you crazy at times).

Be brave, stay sweet, and take care of yourself and your boys.

"Holding on, letting go, right or wrong, it’s hard to know
You do your best and leave the rest to chance, fate, God or grace
Whatever gets you through"

The Hardest Thing - recorded by Van Zant

Hugs and prayers

__________________

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass
It's about learning to dance in the rain.

I saw the post yesterday and like another poster said, I thought you were talking about a tv show or something else, didn't realize you were talking about yourself. I know you said you didn't want to bring up the really bad stuff he has done in the process of the divorce, ok, but don't cover up stuff either. Your dh was angry or upset enough, when you said you wanted a divorce he would threaten to kill you or kill your parents/family? omg I mean, that is not something you should cover up to protect him imo... that's really out of line. Hopefully he is a drama queen, no pun intended, and meant nothing by it and was just ranting. But look out for yourself, and your kids, and the heck with protecting him....All the best to you and your children and sorry you have to go through this. It is hard and is going to be harder, but will get better down the road.

I totally agree -- and I hope, Marilyn, that you will post when you start to feel that peace -- hopefully very soon.

I wish you well.

Many of us have been through divorce and came out the other side a much happier woman.

marilynk,
I'm so proud of you !!!... You can do it. You should be proud of yourself for making this 1st step.

Hugs to you and the boys.
P.s I wanted to let you know there are a few of us out here that can relate to you more than you will ever know.

The peace you will find will bring you many happy days.
You hang in there. You are not taking this walk alone, We are ALL here for you.

I'm more at peace now than I have been in a really long time.

Several of my friends and family have commented on the fact that I'm not crying when I talk about this--unlike me, I'm usually pretty emotional.

It is overwhelming at the support I have received in all of this, not just here but from people I wouldn't have thought. I see a light at the end of the tunnel--now if the husband will just quit blocking the tunnel!

__________________
"God is great,
Beer is good, and people are crazy"

Ugh. I am another that you might not expect support from, but here I am! I had a VERY similar relationship, but luckily, I never married the man. It went on for about 10 years and when I started college, I finally became strong enough to walk away and not look back.

That was many years ago, and once he saw me doing so well, he cam back begging. He STILL begs to this day and I STILL ignore it.

You can do it. It might sting at first, but I promise you will look back and thank yourself every day!

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"When you're drowning, you don't say 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would have the foresight to notice me drowning and come and help me,' you just scream."

John Lennon

Yep, I know the feeling of the support from the last people you would ever expect it from.I can relate to your life on so many levels it's like taking a look at myself 23 years ago.and you bet there IS a light at the end of that tunnel and once you see and walk thru it you will never be the same ever again. your whole look on your NEW life will be AWESOME !. I promise you will never walk in those shoes again, Your pass will remind you of what you left and will never return to again. Those " Missed " signs now will be crystal clear from now on. You will know right off what doesn't seem right and also have the knowledge to accept it will not change and NOTHING you do will change it. Your life is like a rebirth again from your happy childhood. I knew with in 2 days with my husband our marriage would be strong, but it was ALL because of my past and it will be the same with you also. You will have bumps but nothing you can't over come and grow stronger from. You stay on track and keep what you know is RIGHT to do close by, If you even get the thoughts you want to " try " again take out that notebook and write down every single thing that made you want to leave to start with. I promise you will close it fast and go forward again...

here's you a picker upper for the day. I have always had very high re-guards for you and a lot of respect. I have not found many time if any what I didn't agree with you. At times your post are the 1st I look for when I log on.

You hang in there.. The rainbow awaits you at the end of that tunnel.
Came back to say. those tears you had in the past will seem less and less each passing day and before you know if you will wonder why you ever shed them to start with. I went fform crying , to hurt, to feeling sorry for myself, back to tears , to mad as hell and then 1 day it all just went away.It will be the same for you too. You just remember you DO have friends here that care and will always have a open ear and a shoulder for you on those days.

Sunsetbeach your so right Marilyn will have peace and your also right we are all here for her to support her along the way. We only live one life and it should be a happy life and if it means ending a marriage that is not happy healthy or in love it is so much better to part separate ways and then to move on and become happy and healthy and just feel better all around. Again best wishes. Peace. Catherine

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in memory of my beloved beautiful brother Sonny who is now an angel in heaven

I am glad you have found a resolution that provides you with peace. Be careful as you proceed ....

When my ex walked in the kitchen and saw a lease agreement for an apartment, he knew that I meant business. I, too, needed out--you're right, someone can take the abuse, lies, etc. for only so long. Please take care of yourself and put YOU first. Life is so short, and in a couple years you'll be asking yourself why you didn't do this years earlier. It's was tough hearing my son say, "Mom, I wish you would have done this long ago...then maybe I could have had a real dad." Good luck to you. I'm the first to say that it isn't easy, but it's worth it. I was married for 23 years...now, seven years later...I'm getting Marilou back. I missed her!

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If you're not living on the edge, you're wasting space.

when you can stop crying about it you KNOW you are ready to move on. At least I was. I hope you stay strong and remember to not only do what is best for you but for your children as well.

marilynk - i'm so sorry to hear of the troubles in your personal life. i wish you only the best in working through this and getting to the life that you and your children deserve. you are a very strong woman and i have faith and confidence in you.

all the best,
cj/

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I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code. -Emo Phillips

Marilyn, I commend you for coming here and opening your life to all of us. I commend you for standing up and doing what is right for you and your children. I will be saying a prayer for you that everything works out well. We are all here for you.

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SAHM of Bailey 10, Tyler 7 , Emily ann 3 and Ryan Matthew 2 yrs old.

If he refuses to believe the marriage is over, then why not file the divorce papers? He won't be in denial then. Sorry to hear this is happening. Sometimes, people just can't live together. It happens. Get out of there and quit living those miserable days with him---get out and get yourself happy again! It's hard when kids are involved..... but they need to be out of this messy situation also I think. It's the sexual promiscuity that would push me over the edge. File those divorce papers and leave that loser! How could he do that to you and his kids? Favors with another man, in a parked car, in the daytime??!! Are you SURE that really happened??