OK, every once in a while something comes up that just makes me say "WHAT???" and this is one of those things. Check it out and tell me what you think. Is this tacky or am I just clueless?

Here's the situation:

A couple at my parents church got married last weekend. The bride had 2 showers, one given by each side of the family. So far, nothing shocking.

Then, there was the "A and B List" inviting of the guests. It was announced in the church bulletin that everyone was invited to the ceremony along with time and date info but the disclaimer "reception by invitation only" was included. This reception was a regular wedding reception with catered food, etc. and was held at some banquet facility right after the ceremony. I give that a big TACKY, but sadly, I have heard of similar things being done by other people.

Finally, there is a second "reception" that they will be having next Sunday after church. The couple will be providing a main dish and beverages and are asking the church members to bring dishes to pass and desserts. I find this tacky too, but here's the kicker: The couple is requesting that the church members bring GROCERIES as gifts. Yes, the couple wants the church members to not only bring food for their second "reception" but they want gifts of groceries as well. I cannot believe the gall of this couple to ask for groceries!!
They are not poor, he owns his own business that is doing well, they already have a house, etc. Not that it wouldn't be tacky if they were poor but at least it would be coming from necessity, not greed.

So what do you think, fellow MyCouponers? Is this tacky? Would you attend such a thing(my mother has decided she will not as have several others)? Have you ever heard of such a thing?

(I'm thinking they should be cast into Etiquette Hell.....)

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Pretty weird. I wouldn't go, but I'd like to be a fly on the wall to see if anyone participates!

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Support our Troops - Drive a fuel-efficient car

Tacky is right! I agree with jujubee I would not attend.

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Faith + Love = Happy

Very odd... nothing really surprises me anymore though!

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For the food bank?

Tacky as all get out. If it's groceries for the food back it would state it's for the food bank (at least it should). I wouldn't go

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Yep pretty tacky.

I think it would be more appropriate to state "no gifts please".

Also, why the heck is the reception by invitation only, since the guests are providing the food? Doesn't make one bit of sense to me.

I would not attend.

Just to clarify, the reception that was by invitation only was after the ceremony which was a week ago. It was a regular wedding reception with catered food, etc.

The second "reception" is the one they're asking for groceries at AND want guests to bring dishes to pass. No, it's not for a food bank or any other charity, it's for the couple. And just for the added head shaking, it's being held several days after they get back from their honeymoon to Hawaii. No way would I come back from Hawaii and ask church members to bring me groceries!

I'd LOVE to be fly on the wall at the grocery thing.

I'm hoping my mom knows some people who are crazy enough to attend so I can get details, but I doubt it.

Glad I'm not the only one who thought this was tack-y.

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how old are they ? Do the parents attend church as well ?

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Live, Love, Laugh

Hang on to your seat cubmom, the father of the bride is the pastor's son!

The bride is just 18, turned 18 a month ago, and the groom is 29. They started dating when she was 15. But that is a whole 'nother can of worms I'm not tipping over right now.

So I can't say as I blame the bride in this situation, really. She is probably too young to know better, but her mom, dad(pastors son, probably will be the pastor when current pastor retires), grandfather(the pastor) and grandmother(pastors wife) should.

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The potluck/donate-to-my-refrigerator thing is tacky but the please-come-to-the-wedding-but-not-the-reception, well that's more insulting to those who are not 'chosen'. Wow! I wouldn't go, I don't think I could keep a straight face if the topic came up...

I don't think this is all that unusual in a church setting where the bride and groom (and/or their family) is very active in the church. They may not be close enough with the entire congregation to invite them to their reception, but many may want to attend the ceremony.

I do think the grocery thing is kind of tacky, but had it been worded differently, I don't think it would be all that unusual either. I would much rather give a gift that the bride & groom could use and if its groceries, then I am ok with that.

Our church building was VERY small so we had to do this. People understood.

Yikes.

I recommend that you go and take them a box of store brand crackers.... something in a very tacky, cheap-looking bright yellow box with black writing that just says, "SALTINE CRACKERS" on the outside.

OR, better yet, take some jars of something weird, like pickled pigs feet... or anchovies... or a container of lard.

That way you can see how it all goes down, but not feel like you did anything but stick with the theme - tacky, tacky, tacky!

Or ramen noodles.

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We can't stop here this is bat country.....

The second reception is mega tacky. But if the bride is the current Pastor's granddaughter.... I can sorta understand the "everyone is invited to the ceremony" thing since many congregation members might want to witness the ceremony.

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I wouldn't fight tacky with tacky. Why would you want to sink to their level?

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I find that Pastor's children get away with far more than another child. I would skip the wedding, the receiption and just ignore the whole thing.

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Laura
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I agree...I would just ignore the entire thing...not go, not talk about it, etc.

~Lisa

Um, that was a joke, guys...

I guess the thinking would be that the church family might want to participate in the joy of the wedding.....so I guess with that in mind, it doesn't seem too bad . Are you absolutely sure that they haven't requested grocery items for the church reception as a charitable contribution? That would seem to make some sense.....

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Nope, the groceries are for them, not a charity.

The wording in the notice was something to the effect of "To help them get a start in their new life together, this is a grocery party to help them stock their pantry". Not a direct quote since I can't exactly recall the notice my mom showed me, but that is pretty close.

If the only thing "different" about this wedding would have been the inviting of people to the ceremony and not the reception, I would have thought very little about it.

The "bring the food for the party and some extra food for us" party/shower/reception/what ever you want to call it 2 weeks after the wedding is what made my jaw drop. That is way over the tacky top, IMHO.

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Okay, that puts an entirely different spin on things for me.

At our church, we often host grocery showers for new couples.

I thought that you meant the new couple was ASKING for people to bring the food.

It is never appropriate to ask people to give you things as gifts, but it is certainly fine, IMHO, for a church to celebrate a marriage with a potluck and a grocery shower.

I will also say that it is awkward when you have someone getting married in a church ceremony that has a connection to the church, and everyone and their uncle expects to be invited to the wedding. It puts the couple in an awkward position, particularly if they wanted to have a sit-down dinner and couldn't afford to feed the whole church... and when you put the announcement about the wedding in the church bulletin, the whole RSVP thing goes right out the window. You can't plan on a number, you would like your reception to be a more intimate event than you can 'control' when everybody shows up with their wild kids.

Im am wondering if they asked for groceries at the second reception because at the first one, the couple received the normal wedding items. You know like a crockpot, candle holders, coffeemaker etc. So to avoid a second round of that they asked for groceries. Not saying its not tacky, but just trying to figure out why they might be asking.

Never assume someone is well off by their jobs etc. One never knows how much debt a person might have or what goes on in their personal life..

I will add that asking the congregation to bring a dish of food for this second reception is over the top considering they are part of the pastors family.. hmm If it were a young couple starting out with hard times, I would have no qualms about it.... oh well..

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Paula
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Paula, I would agree...except that I'm not sure this is considered a 'reception', kwim? I wish we could see whatever wording the OP saw.

The OP started out by saying, "The bride had 2 showers, one given by each side of the family. So far, nothing shocking."

Where I'm from, THAT would be shocking. Families aren't supposed to give showers at all, according to Emily Post and Miss Manners. But it *would* be perfectly acceptable for a *church* to do so.

But... I know that in some places, it's not a cultural taboo for families to do that, so when the OP posted what she did, I figured she lived somewhere that didn't adhere to that traditional rule.

Whether the bride/groom are related to the minister is irrelevant to me. Churches often have things that they just *do*, and they do them regardless of need. I know our church is that way, and for good, well-thought-out-reasons. For instance, the first time a woman has a baby after becoming a member of our church, we give her a baby shower. That's not how I'd have chosen to do it, but it's what was decided long ago by some committee... so that's how it is.

If you have never had a baby, you get a shower for your first baby put on by the church, it's in the bulletin, the whole church is invited, etc. If you moved to town and already had two kids and baby #3 is on the way, our church will give you a shower.

We send flowers as a church to all moms when they have their babies, regardless of how many they have.

If someone has a normal delivery, we arrange for three nights worth of meals to be taken to their home on the evenings of their choice (since they may have help from a visiting grandma for a week or so after the birth)...and a c-section gets five nights worth, just because the recovery is often harder. We do that for every baby that is born.

We don't do it because of the financial needs of the parents - we do it to show our love and joy. We never wanted anyone to be seen as a charity case or to *feel* like a charity case, so we don't base any of our procedures on 'need'. Everybody gets the same thing, and it's always generous. If personal friends want to do more or to host an invitation-only shower, that is certainly encouraged.

Anyway... I don't think special exceptions, either way, should be made for the family members of the minister. If it is typical that they throw an all-church event for new couples, this couple shouldn't be denied that just because the minister is a family member and their family members already did things.

One thing that may have happened is that the church's shower coordinator contacted them and said, "We want to have a potluck reception for you when you get back from your honeymoon, and people from the church who weren't part of the family showers will be able to give you gifts,".... and the bride said, "Thanks so much for thinking of us, but really, we have all that we need and don't expect or need anything more,"... and the church lady said, "Well how about we just give you a grocery shower then? It's no big deal for people to bring a $.50 can of green beans, and that way the church will feel like *they* did right by you in giving you at least *some* party. We ALWAYS give group showers, and just because your families did things for you doesn't mean that the little elderly ladies of the church who weren't invited to those parties don't still want to do something. You know how those little old ladies get if they think the church hasn't properly acknowledged a new marriage with a shower of some sort."


One last thought...

It is also possible that whomever types up the church bulletin didn't word things quite right. That happens in ours all the time.