I am the mom of an almost 16 year old daughter whose high school is filled with drama and bullying. The relationship my daughter and I share is very open, and we discuss just about everything. There have been several instances over the last couple of years where a couple friends of my daughter have engaged in behavior that I know their parents would not approve of. I have not said anything to the parents because I feel it's none of my business - I have only heard these things through conversations with my daughter. Also, if I would tell the parents what I know, the kids involved would know it was me who told and my daughter would be bullied and lose friends for being a tattletale.

Here are a couple examples: after a party a girl was so drunk she spent the night at the host's home with a bunch of boys who stayed over (she was the only girl who stayed - she told her mom she was spending the night with a girlfriend). A boy who turned 16 just a month ago and got his driver's license is driving 3 - 4 girls to and from school each day, and we have a law in Ohio that a 16 year old can only have one nonfamily member as a passenger in their car. When my daughter told him he shouldn't, he laughed it off and said, "I don't care as long as a cop doesn't see me." Then he started taking an alternate route to the school because a cop sits there on the street near the school each morning watching the kids.

I have kept my mouth shut many times, but I am concerned for the safety and welfare of these kids. At what point do you as a parent interfere or do you? I don't want me or my daughter to be labeled the "bad guy" or the "tattletale" but I am beginning to think that there comes a point where safety has to be considered the most important thing.

This is only my opinion, but I'm guessing the parents in those situations realize what is going on or just aren't that concerned. As a parent, I think you would be aware how your child is getting to and from school (or you should be if you are concerned for your child's safety). Also, it's pretty easy to tell when someone is hungover or to follow up on your child and make sure they are where they said they would be (I know my mom did that with me and I'll do the same with my son). I understand that you are concerned and think it's because you do have such a hand in your daughter's life. However, not all parents are like that. I probably wouldn't get involved.

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Kim

I too think many parents know and simply dro not care or they don't CARE to know...KWIM? If you say something to them, they will take it as yo have a problem with their parenting. Not good. Until it's life threatening, I would stay out of it. A parent can check up on their child or monitor their child's driving behavior if they really wanted to.

I'm glad your DD can talk with you

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We had a similar situation recently here. My daughter has told me of some things going on that aren't on the up-and-up. I asked her if she wanted me to call the parents involved and she said no, she'd handle it. She did handle that one.

I hate being in that situation because I would want a phone call if it were reversed, but I agree with the above, not everyone is as involved with their own children as we are and may either be aware and not care or whatever. Who knows.

I just stay close to my daughter and I know what she's doing and with who.

Lisa

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It's wanting what you've got"

In my opinion if it's something that could harm them you tell the parents. If it's something you feel it would be important for you to know you tell.
But you first have an open and honest discussion with the teen. You explain why you are concerned, why the parents have to know, how you would want to know if you were their parent. Give them an opportunity to tell themselves but let them know if they don't you will. Also if you know the other parents it would not be a bad idea to go with the teen to talk to them.

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I've been in the same boat. And I kept my mouth shut BECAUSE it was not life threathning and I have to keep communication open between me and ds,he tells me things in confidence and would be horrified if I contacted parents.
I do have a story where my ds showed me a topless pic on his cell phone of a classmate (freshman) this pic was being sent all around. He said the girl sent it to her boyfriend and he's passing it around....I felt bad for this silly girl who put herself in this situation and I called the school and reported it so they could stop it before it got any bigger -all without using my name or my sons name.

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Love, J.

That's the thing - you have to be careful when your child tells you something in confidence, because if you break that confidence, they will stop telling you things and then you will be totally in the dark with your own child as well.

Lisa

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"It's not having what you want,
It's wanting what you've got"

3 girls left a volleyball game at a local high school to get something to eat in a town about 15 minutes away. The driver was 15 and, according to Iowa law, is not supposed to drive without an adult in the car. She drove two other girl friends, van blew a tire, she lost control, one girl died as a result. It's too bad that boy is not obeying the law. The laws are there for a good reason. I'm glad my kids are adults now! lol Good luck!

Could you tell the boy's parents and say that you saw him in the car with a bunch of people and just wanted her to know. I think when safety is involved, you should tell her. If you don't want to do it for your daughter's sake, can you do it anonymously?

Don't police take anonymous tips? Find out the type vehicle and find it in the school lot, at home or some where so you know you have the correct auto and take down the tag number and description. Go to the police dept and sit down with an officer and explain the situation and the he is takin alternate routes to avoid detection. The will then know to be watching for him, that way you and your daughter never wind up in the picture. While on the surface this doesn't look like a big deal, I remember what it was like in a carfull of teens after school. We were lucky MANY times that all the noise and horseplay didn't get us killed.

I am sure you all know how sneaky teenagers can be too. I disagree that the parents might know what is going on and are just turing a blind eye to it.
How bad are you going to feel if they are involved in a wreck and something happens to those children. I would also mention it to the police officer to see if they can get someone to pull him over. I know if it were my child in that car I would want to know. Kids just don't think sometimes. My kids are still young so I don't have to worry about it yet, but I sure can remember how distracting it is to be driving and have my friends in the car with me. Your daughter never has to know you had anything to do it.

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I agree about the anonymous tip thing.

And Julie is correct - not all parents are blind. Most kids at that age are apt to sneak at least just a little. It's part of finding their wings. But it sounds like these teens are doing things that have the potential to have painful long-term consequences. If my daughter were extremely intoxicated and spending the night with a house full of boys and lying to me about where she was... that's obviously something she needs parented through. The potential for some sort of group sexual encounter or alcohol poisoning is high, and to me, those have the potential to scar her for life if not kill her.

I think the question isn't *if* the parents need to know, it's how the OP can play informant without creating a situation where her own child ceases to be forthcoming with her.

This is exactly the sort of situation where parents NEED to be brought in so they can PARENT.

Wow this is a real hard one has being a mom who has raised 3 teenagers and now has one more to go my youngest dd Caitlin she is 17 and also been around many of their friends over the years its soooooooo hard. I have to say this from experience with my own children and with all their friends there are some people who do care and know what their children are doing and honestly their are parents who plain have the attitude out of sight out of mind. For me personally as many of you know by know I have always preached about smoking and drugs and drinking I literally hate it all and am totally againist it all. Being the parent to a teenager is literally the hardest job in the world, being a parent is hard enough but then throw a teenager into the cycle and wow. I will admit also my children have always been very close with both me and my husband thank god and we always always talk , talk, talk, never enough to talk about. There probably were times I should have said more to some parents because I knew what was going on and yet there were times I did it all depended on how serious the issue was. I will tell all here when my older dd Hope was 18 one of her friends Alexa was 17 and honestly they both were drinking with some other friends in a park several blocks away. Needless to say my daughter phones home and tells us what is going on of course I am upset however she tells us that while most of them were drinking beer Alexa was drinking Vodka that her elder brother purchased for her, not a good family. Needless to say we rushed to the park, Alexa was layed out cold in the park, there was about 7 girls and boys I was a nut my husband tried to get in contact with the parents I called 911. They came to the park I managed to keep shaking her and throwing water on her face and half awake she did throw up what a mess. The ambulance and police came and took her to the hospital. No parents showed up so we followed behind with hope in the car. It took her parents more then 2 hours to show up they were at a country club having a Saint Patrick Day Dinner . They acted like it was no big deal, its okay Alexa, this is the first time she will be okay you'll go home sleep it off and feel better tomorrow. Know I know from my daughter Hope this was not the first time they were drinking and of course it was the not the last I was livid at these parents. LIke I said today because of Hope's stomach problems truly just a glass of wine is truly all she can handle which is fine however she is 24 lol. So to op its so scary and I truly wish the best and I am so happy to hear you have a good open relationship with your child it is so important. Peace. Catherine

I'd try telling the parents of the bad teen driver what is going on but come at it from the view of you don't want their kid to get pulled over and get a ticket because that would probably make the parents insurance go sky high or something similar. My guess is that even parents who really don't care what their kids are up to don't want to have to shell out more money to fix problems their kids create.

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Parents are parents and not just your teenagers best friend. If my daughter told me something that her friends were doing that was dangerous , I would tell their parents. I would want someone to tell me if my dd was doing something dangerous also. Parents need to be parents and not just friends. I am our daughters parent first and her friend second.

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I think this is the best advice. If you're going to involve yourself, at least tell the parents instead of the police. All that sneaky anonymous reporting is going to do is get your daughter's 'friends' into legal trouble. Your daughter would be a really miserable friend if she allowed her mother to sic the police on her friends without even trying to help them first.

Stay out of it or talk to the parents yourself and mention what will happen if their children are caught but don't use what your daughter shared with you to 'anonymously' get her friends arrested.

You feel it's none of your business. I agree with you. I would not get involved except to use everyone of these instances as a teaching moment with your own child - a time to reiterate the law and your family's rules and reinforce good decision making in your own child.

cj/

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