So far in this whole dissolution of our marriage---I have attempted to take the high road with H. I've given him all the consideration, all the benefit of the doubt, a healthy dose of kindness and consideration---basically I have tried to take HIS feelings into consideration and treat him the way I want to be treated.

I stayed with him as long as I did because I was WORRIED about his feelings and his mental health. I finally realized that he was going to continue his deviant behaviour, and that deviant behaviour was flowing into my house and potentially into the lives of my children. I gave him divorce papers on Tuesday--and with any luck the divorce will be final by the end of December.

Now, here's why I need convincing the high road: He is having a weekend guest (some woman he met online). His weekend guest and plans have taken priority over our children! Our youngest's birthday party is tomorrow--he informed me that he'd be there 10 min before the party. He can't/won't keep his children, while I work my second job (after the party and on Sunday). I take that back--he's keeping them @ MY house after he gets out of Church. He had the audacity to tell me it was my fault that I'm just a tad burned out when dealing w/ the kids. After all--I kicked him out (well, hello, you were cheating on me w/ men and lying to me--what was I suppose to do? Just sit back and take it!?) He says he realize he's at fault (but he's never apologized), but in the next breath tells me how if I would have just stood by him, gave him more time and/or gave him another chance, everything would be ok.

I want so badly to do something really mean and vindictive. I want to call and tell his mother what he's done. I want to call his boss and tell her what he's done (when he's suppose to be working!). I want to destroy everything of his, about him--I haven't been this angry in a long time! He's a frigging' narcissitic bastard, and probably wouldn't care. He's hurting me through his lack of caring about his children. He could do all sorts of things to me to hurt me (and has), but dammit! Don't mess with the kids.
I am just so angry right now! I'm trying so hard to be the better person and take the high road. But he's making it so hard. I'd really like to be one of those women who takes a baseball bat to his car. I'd really like to be one of those women who glues his penis to his body w/ superglue--and then locks him out of the house without his clothes.
I don't get the option of being vindictive though, I have to be the one to be responsible for the kids. I don't get the option of getting even. I don't get the option of making him spend countless hours crying and feeling like a failure. I just don't! And I'm really tired of being nice about this whole thing. I'm really tired of walking a tight rope. I really am.
Please, please, please, convince me not to get the bat and go over to his house and smash the car! Please??

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Mental that one, I'm telling you. ---Ron Weasley, "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets"

I know at this moment it's bad. It hurts, it sucks. But you will not feel better by stooping to his level. Stay true to who you are.......the bigger, better person. You will thank you, and your kids will thank you. How do you think he feels when he looks in the mirro?. He knows who he is, even if it doesn' t seem like. How do you feel when you look in the mirror? You probably want to keep feeling that way.

You can do this Marilyn. If what I know of you from here is true.........you can do this...

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Melissa

Play it out in your mind, as you have and then move on. Don't do it, don't do anything remotely near what he actually deserves.

Put on a happy face tomorrow and let him be the bad guy for A) not showing up at all, B) showing up late C) being dumb enough to bring "someone else" D) leaving early, or E) all of the above. Your son(s) will see on their own his choices. If he sets the bar this low this soon, it will hurt your kids and it will hurt you to see them hurt, but it is his own doing.

My parents divorced. I did see it coming and it should have been much earlier than when it was, but I know for myself who was steady, who sacrificed, who worked, who was there for us kids, who wasn't busy jumping into bed with others, and wasn't doing all the things the other parent was doing.

Let him, on his own, show his kids how he is and you be steady.

dl

Take the high road. In the long run you will feel better about yourself and your kids will respect you even more. It's hard but that's why you are the mature one in this situation.

Hit him in the pocket as hard as you can. Don't both the car or you will be in trouble. The kids and his family know what a chit he is they just don't want to face it.

So glad you have served him with papers! Happy holidays to you!

You know the answer to this. He is mentally unwell, and morally bankrupt, which leaves you as the sane adult who has to lead your children to a healthy adult life by example. It is unfair, and infuriating that he just sails along, being a jackass and seemingly living his life without consequences, but jumping on in the sewer with him will not a) change his behavior, b) cause anyone to have an epiphany about the realities of what he is or c) lift you and your children up.

Keep your head up, and walk through this with your children with dignity.

I agree with everything that has been said by others.
You'll be okay in the long run, it just might seem like a very long run right now, but, "this too shall pass".
Love your kids and do what is best for them.
You have my prayers and best wishes.

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Square dancing is friendship set to music!

Take the high road, marilynk. You know you should and you know you can.

Best wishes,
cj/

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I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code. -Emo Phillips

Marilyn,
Picture your life without all this drama, and then figure out what you can do to get there. Hugs to you for having to be the only grown up in this situation.

Rebecca

I too agree with all that has been stated. It is so hard to take the high road, but yes for the boys it has to be done. So much easier said than done however....
Write down all the things you want to do and how much it hurts you and the kids, BUT how much better off you are. Sometime just keeping that journal as an "out" for your frustration helps. Maybe? I hope it would
Karma can be a real bi-otch ya know!! A lot of the time it takes time for it to come around, but when it does....sit back, watch and enjoy
Take Care!!

Take the high road.
If you have a wii, get a boxing game for it & use it. Pretend the other person is your h & let him have it.
Play the game with your boys also. It is a fun way to let off steam. Your boys probably could also use the stress relief.
Judy

Here is what I did when my ex-hate was over the top.....when the kids are not around....make a secret mix tape (this was before ipods!) of strong women/man hating songs.......have a couple glasses of wine, dance around the living room and sing at the top of your lungs! Here are some suggestions:

Alanis Morrisette---I'm a Bitch
Shania Twain---Feel like a Woman
Pink---So What
Carrie Underwood---Before He Cheats
Sara Evans--When you were Cheating
Mindy McCready--Guys Do it
Martina McBride--Independence Day
Kellie Pickler---Dont you know your beautiful
Janis Joplin--Piece of my Heart
Fergie---Big Girls Dont Cry
Pink---U and Ur hand
Taylor Swift--Should Have Said No
Toby Keith--How do you like me now
The Who--Wont Get Fooled Again

They are a random bunch of songs, but always made me feel better.......feel free to add your own favorites, just label the tape or playlist something the kids won't listen to.....(Barry Manilow favorites or the soundtrack from Cats??)

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"It's not about how much baggage you have, it's about whether or not you can carry your own baggage with grace and dignity."

Where's "I Will Survive"?

If you didn't have the kids to consider, I'm afraid I would be ENCOURAGING you to do something like that.

when I kicked my ex out, he broke in to my house while I was at work and took everything out of the living room and I do mean EVERYTHING! INCLUDING THE RUGS AND CURTAINS!!I knew he did it but didnt have proof. I also knew where he was living with the slut he was with at the time. so I rode by there.. ALOT ... until i found the car gone. stopped , got out and went to the door and knocked. no one was home. YES!!!!!!!!!!!! So .. I tried the door and it was unlocked. he never locked the doors at home so I kinda figured it would be unlocked. walked right in to all my living room stuff sitting there. I was soooo mad !!!!!!!!!! But I couldnt steal it cause I dont have good luck and would have gotten caught. so I left and went to the store up the road and parked in the parking lot. I sat there about a hr fumming. called a family friend who is a cop and told him the story and he told me to leave it alone cause I would end up getting arrested. So I left the phone booth ( this was 1984 so no cell phones then) and drove up the road toward home. Stopped at my sisters house and talked with her and then we came up with a plan to get even. I called information and asked for the time and temp in rochester ny. That is where he was from. Got the number and went back to the trailor he was living in and went in and called the time and temp in rochester ny. laid the phone off the hook and left. I drove by his trailor later that day, no car.. no car the next day or the next. Finally on monday, the car was back. 3 weeks later, he is calling me raising hell cause his girlfriends phone bill was something like 900.00. and he knew I had something to do with it.
Never got my living room stuff back but I sure got even. She threw his lazy ass out cause she just assumed he did this since the call was to his home town. The poor fellow had to move home to his momma. lololololololol
I still giggle about it and its been forever ago. he is married to wife number 8 or 9 now. its accourding to how you count it. one dumb bimbo married him twice!

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It's very uplifting to read from morally sane women. Marilyn you are a brave, intelligent, and hard working woman who deserves greatness. Don't let some crazy man bring you down to his level. Hold your head up high and be proud of your actions and you'll soon be unaffected by your ex.

Take the high road for your children. Set the example you want them to follow when they are adults. You have told us how many problems he has so going after him at all to try to hurt him seems a waste of time. I am not sure it can be done. Besides, I think the euphoria would be short term. It is just not worth it. Take a deep breath and remember not to sink to his level! Don't let him pull you down anymore!

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Just remember you lead by example and believe me I have been there. The sweetest revenge for me is that my kids know what their Dad has done and are old enough to know that he is just out for himself. Just keep your head up and things will all work out for you in the end....

Come to this board and vent~write it down and then let it go. It might take 100 times to do this before you feel better BUT you will be the better person and a MUCH better example to your children. Take care!! xoxo
(even though the glue did sound like a great idea!!)

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John 14:1
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thanks ladies!
It's hard, but I'm trying and so far succeeding in not doing something really stupid!

littlejo--I like your style!

KellyJeff--you made me smile!

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Mental that one, I'm telling you. ---Ron Weasley, "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets"

This is one of the best "revenge" plots I've ever heard of

No one got "hurt" except the guilty parties and you got some satisfaction and fun out of it.

I love it. And I'd do it myself

Take the high road and go after him financially in the divorce. It won't make you feel better to sink to his level (although it's mighty tempting I know). Hopefully you can *hit him where it hurts* in a legal way and win

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Proud to say I haven't shopped at a Wal-Mart since Sept 2003

Uggghhh, taking the "high road" . So much easier said than done. BUT.....it can be done.

Like another poster said....your kids will see who is doing what and they will remember that. DH's father was a lieing, cheating, self-centered POS ( and still is, by the way) who thinks the sun rises and sets around him. MIL never said a mean word about him to DH, but, DH found out all on his own how things went down. Kids are not dummies, you know that. They can figure things out, and they see more than we think they see.

I hope your soon-to-be-X showed up at your DS's party and things went as well as they could.

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Doing the right thing isn't always the same as doing the easy thing.