I am just so sad, and it's the big holiday and I just can't smile or be happy. I have three little kids 9, 10, and 12 and I need to be jolly and I just can't.

I think that we are headed for divorce and maybe it's a good thing, I just don't know . . but right now our life is not a happy place.

In my dreams I have been waiting til this Friday when the kids get out of school and just leaving with them, just the kids and me, for two weeks, (maybe forever) except we have no money and I can't drive pulling the trailer and I would also need my hubby's truck to pull the trailer so it really was just a dream but it was such a lovely dream.

Then, my husband got really "hulk" mad at me last night and "things" hit me . . . he did not hit me but things hit me . . . He knocked over a bookshelf on top of me, I mean right on top of me and on purpose so things hit me in the head and everywhere and it really hurt, my whole left side hurts and my head is throbbing and bruised. He just turned into someone I don't know and we have been married for 15 years and have three boys and this has never happened ever . . . . but I don't think it has been a happy happy joy joy life.

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Mommy to three wonderful boys, Justin (11), Nicholas (9) and Scottie (8)

I am so sorry! I don't know what to say. Is there somewhere you can go to stay, like a friends house or with a relative? I don't think it is a safe environment for you and your children if he is becoming violent.

Please know that you will be in my heart and prayers.

__________________
Think about helping out with cancer...
Join the Relay for Life

Do you have a shelter nearby? I'm on the board for a women's abuse shelter. If you don't have family/friends to stay with, check around today and find a shelter. It will certainly be a rough Christmas for you and the boys, but you have to take care of them and you. Good luck. I'll keep you in my prayers.

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I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code. -Emo Phillips

I am so very sorry to hear that you are having to live like this and I do not really know what to day as well. For the time being 100% focus on your sweet boys and on your self. Please take care. You are in my heart and prayers. One word of advice is to think before you act. I would also start documenting these rages that your husband is having. Take care sweet friend.

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John 14:1
GO GATORS!!
GO BEARS!!
Check out my pictures!! Just click below:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/gotjenks/

I'd call the police and have him removed from the house. Get a restraining order. He should be the one in a shelter over the holidays, not you and your sons.

Take care.

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If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition, and then admit that we just don't want to do it.

- Stephen Colbert.

This is great advice. Whatever you decide to do, please keep yourself and your boys safe.

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Think about helping out with cancer...
Join the Relay for Life

^^^ This!

Take pictures of any bruising, document your injuries. Or better yet, go to the doctor and get checked out. Have them make a record of all injuries.

Good luck.

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Once the game is over, the king and the pawn go back in the same box.

I agree with Jen, document the injuries with both a Dr and the police. If you need to bring them up later, no report=never happened.

I would also tell you to call a Domestic Abuse center. I understand it is terrifying and a tough call to make, but the people there are very compassionate and most have been in your shoes. They will help you to decide if you need to leave or if you two can work things out peacefully.

If you choose to leave, they will help you make a plan......if your safety is an issue, please leave immediately! But, if things have calmed down, take some breaths, try to make a plan:

Find all the kids birth certs and ssn cards, make copies of tax returns, cc bills and any accounts with your name on them. Make copies of all joint assets and car titles. Try to take with you anything with emotional importance (jewelry, photos, etc). Try to stay calm and rational, do not tell him your plans or where you are going. Do not respond in any way to his rants, texts or messages. Most of all: Good luck with whatever you decide and take care of yourself!!

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"It's not about how much baggage you have, it's about whether or not you can carry your own baggage with grace and dignity."

This is abuse. And in most states it will result in an arrest and charge of spousal abuse.

Let me first say, I'm sorry this happened to you. No one deserves to live in fear and sadness.

I once was were you are. I had the abusive husband. I had the dreams of just running away w/ my kids. Ironically enough, we were married 15 years as well.
MY divorce (and it truly is mine--he didn't want a divorce) will be final on Monday!

But you know? It took me nearly 2 years to get my self together enough to follow through with it. My first visit w/ my attorney was almost 2 years ago! I hemmed and hawed because I was worried about what he would do, I was worried about HIM! Good God--what was I thinking??? I finally got the courage to make him move out in September 2009. I really thought he would change when he realized I was serious. Guess what? He didn't! So, here I am at the end of a chapter in my life, and the beginning of a whole new book of my life and the lives of my children.

If this was the first time he's ever gotten mad enough to cause you harm, let me tell you--it won't be the last time! And chances are it will get progressively more violent. Your children are old enough that they may try to defend you and end up being hurt as well. Or your H may hurt them just to get at you. This situation will most likely not get better.

You need to contact your local domestic abuse shelter and at the very least have a consult w/ a caseworker/advocate! They can help you w/ a safe place to stay, help w/ finances and help w/ legal representation.

I don't know that I would contact your local police dept. It will be a case of "he says/she says". You run the risk of further angering your spouse. And he will tell the cops that you are some sort of crazy woman who pulled the bookcase down on yourself. Or that you drink, or whatever story he can think of to protect himself--then he will literally come after you.

You are a strong and capable women. You and your children are too important to be subjected to his behaviour. There are resources available to you, USE THEM! You are in for a truly rough ride, but you can do this! You just need to get a plan on how to get out safely. Your local shelter can and will help. And if they won't---let me know! I will.

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Mental that one, I'm telling you. ---Ron Weasley, "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets"

Thank you for all your advice and prayers. I do like the idea of him leaving and not me but the kids are out of school tomorrow for two weeks so maybe I will figure something out.

I should have gone to the doctor and gotten a report but I didn't and the bump on my head is a lot better and doesn't look bruised at all because it's covered with hair and I'm not shaving my head.

It's just so sad that it's Christmas and I have no Christmas joy, I always loved this time of year, decorating the house and the tree and all that stuff and now I just feel empty inside, I just don't feel anything. Thank you again for all the nice helpful replies . . .

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Mommy to three wonderful boys, Justin (11), Nicholas (9) and Scottie (8)

Sweetie, please don't minimize the abuse. That's what he wants you to do. He wants you to think it's your fault--or that you somehow caused him to snap. Be very, very careful in what you say or do at this point. Don't be surprised if he apologizes, buys your flowers or a gift, is affectionate and loving for a few days or even weeks...or maybe even months. But keep in mind, he will do it again--I'd bet my last nickel on it!

I don't want to harp on you--because well, I've actually been in your shoes, and didn't want to, couldn't or wouldn't deal with my situation until I was ready. Just know that you can only be a victim if you allow yourself to be, but your children don't have that luxury. Trust me, your children know on some level something is wrong and/or going on. When you are ready to make a decision, you will. It may take you days or months to be able to make that decision, it may even be years--it was for me. Know that you are not alone in this. There are others who have been in your position. Seek those people out, seek out help, don't allow yourself to be a victim.

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Mental that one, I'm telling you. ---Ron Weasley, "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets"

I agree with all you gave wonderful advice here and op I feel so bad and sad for you , no matter what abuse is abuse and abuse is bad on any level. I sincerely hope and pray all goes well for you and your children. May god take care of you and bless you. Keep us posted blessings. Catherine

I agree if you're scared call the shelter first they'll help you take the steps but you have to get out of there. Your kids will continue the cycle if they live with it.

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The political system is broke and it's a joke.

While I agree in theory and principle with what you are saying; past experience tells me that having him arrested/removed from the house may not be that simple. It really depends on jurisdiction and local law enforcement.

I think, and this is just my own personal opinion: "play" nice for a while, all the time crafting your escape plan. Get all your important documents (birth certificates, mortgage/loan paperwork on house and vehicles, bonds, wills, deeds, etc) make copies!!, start saving some money (if he doesn't have total control of the finances, he doesn't need to know that you really only spent $10 at Walmart, but you got cash back for $60 or $80), find a safe place, TALK TO THE CHILDREN!! Talk to them on their level obviously, but let them know that that you and husband are having "issues" and you're working on it (they don't need to know you are planning on leaving), let at least one friend know what happened to you w/ the bookcase, if you don't have your own cell phone--get one! Then when YOU are ready, leave--and don't look back. Do this on YOUR time frame, not his. Of course, should he abuse you again, you should call 911 immediately! And for the love of God, do not be in the house or where he can find you when he's released! He is going to be pissed beyond rational thought....
You should flee the home w/ your children IMMEDIATELY should he hurt you again. Go to the nearest phone and call the cops, file a report.

I say this with all sincerity: All this advice is worthless if you don't take it act on it! And only you know what you want to do and are capable of doing!

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Mental that one, I'm telling you. ---Ron Weasley, "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets"

I think you have given her some truly helpful advice -- I hope she reads and re-reads the responses.

She has a rough road ahead of her

Yes it's a rough road.

Having been down the road--I can say that it's scary, it's sad, it's frustrating. You feel betrayed. you want to believe that the abuse will never happen again...

One thing I forgot to mention--clear your cookies everytime you leave the computer, log out of websites where you are member each and everytime you walk away. Get in that habit. Run a scan to see if he's got keylogging software installed.

If this is "new" behaviour and completely out of character, please consider that he's doing something he doesn't want you to find out about: an affair, porn addiction, drugs/alcohol, gambling, etc. Looking back I see that each and every time my ex "acted out" by knocking me around he was engaging in some other activities that he didn't want me to find out about.

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Mental that one, I'm telling you. ---Ron Weasley, "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets"

"If this is "new" behaviour and completely out of character, please consider that he's doing something he doesn't want you to find out about: an affair, porn addiction, drugs/alcohol, gambling, etc."


Marilyn, this is exactly what I was thinking. It seems as though when something like this ramps up the offending party is usually feeling guilty about something. Good advice re: the computer too....

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Melissa

First, let me say that my heart is absolutely breaking for you.

I have a family member who suffered domestic violence for fifty years. Ultimately, it killed her. Not directly - but his neglect of her health situation and his forcing her to do things she should'n't have been physically doing KILLED her. I will never get over it.

I know how difficult it can be to get out of a situation such that you are in. And you've been given some wonderful advice here. Ultimately, you have to decide for yourself what you're willing to do.

A few suggestions - DO go ahead and take photos. Did the bookcase break? Take pictures. Do you work? Can you start squirreling away money without him knowing? Even a little bit of a nest egg can make you feel more secure about leaving. Do you go to a church or similar place of worship? If so, is there someone there you can confide in? It's tough to think about going to a shelter, but please understand, there are OTHER places you can go rather than a shelter where you're living with a bunch of different people. Lots of communities have little-known places. Unfortunately, I know nothing about California, but I know there's places in Virginia, & North and South Carolina...LOTS of them. Your pastor/counselor etc. may have more information. Additionallly, shelters are NOT the kinds of run-down places you may be imagining in your worst nightmare - expecially shelters for abused women. And that, my friend, is what you are. There is NEVER an excuse for a man hitting a woman, or causing something to hit a woman. NEVER.

Please DO remember to log out of websites and erase your history each time you're away from the computer. It may seem like a pain in the butt, but could literally save your life. Do you keep a journal? If so, is it well hidden? Do you have a friend you could trust? Do you have family? Anyone who could help you rent a truck, pack it up while he's at work and get away?

Start making copies of birth certificates, bank records, social security cards, passports...anything you may need immediate access to in the future. Better yet, if possible, try to get certified copies of all of these documents, expecially birth certificates and SS cards. Copy your credit cards, back and front, and your driver's license.

Please remember you are NOT to blame, you are worthy of being treated with respect and you should be able to have a happy, safe life. Your boys deserve to have their mother well into her old age. Please, please consider all of your options and then act with your safety and that of your sons in mind. Continuing to live in this environment can only get worse from here.

My thoughts are with you and my heart cries for you.

Mariah

I would get the hell out of there. Pack what you can in your car and forget the rest. Things can be replaced. You can't!

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Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!

If Vegetarians eat Vegetables. Do Humanitarians eat Humans?

'Vegetarian' is an old Native American word for bad hunter.

Yes, talk with someone at the shelter. They will be the ones who will help you get the protection order, etc. I have also been in your shoes. Get out. Once you get the protection order, the police can help you as well. They even took me to a hotel out of town once when my ex was headed to "see me" and was ranting about taking both of our lives. Document everything! Don't come up with excuses for him. My ex even admitted that, "When I hit you like that, I realized that there was no way I could love you anymore." TAKE CARE OF YOU!!!!! Good luck. You will be in my prayers!

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If you're not living on the edge, you're wasting space.

Truly feel sorry for you and your sons. I agree with the advice above and hope you leave this toxic individual. There is just no excuse ever for abuse and I too say it will happen again so don't fall for any promises. God Bless you! Hugs

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Without Health you have no Wealth!

mkjn - it's been a few days. how are you? please keep us posted if you can. i'm sure all these caring ladies are concerned with your welfare and are thinking about you...

cj/

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I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code. -Emo Phillips

Bump....is anyone in contact with the OP? I'm a little worried about her and her family..

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I was walking home one night and a guy hammering on a roof called me a paranoid little weirdo. In morse code. -Emo Phillips

Thanks for all your replies . . I survived the holidays and am just happy everyone is back at school and work today and I have some time to myself . . We will be filing for divorce. . . I just don't know where to start but I have some close friends that have been though it and can help me. I am still at the house with him but I am sleeping in the kids room. Funny thing is he wants to get a divorce but he also wants to have sex . . typical man thing I guess . . . he wants to be friends with benefits . . . And that's not going to happen !!

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Mommy to three wonderful boys, Justin (11), Nicholas (9) and Scottie (8)