I'm in the position of needing to do some things, money-wise, and am curious as to what others would advise me about what's most fair. I don't have an opinion myself, but need to figure this out.

Situation 1....

A couple of weeks ago our family traveled to an out-of-town family event, and spent four nights in a hotel. I made the ressies and paid for the room. A relative caught a ride with us and obviously she needed to stay at the same hotel since we were in the same vehicle. I got the rooms on Priceline so it wasn't as though she could book her own separately. We got the rooms for a rate in the $40's, and with taxes and the Priceline fee the cost per night for two rooms was about $115.... so for four nights, I was charged $460.

Had we traveled alone, we would only have used one hotel room and spent $230. Our youngest is still pretty small and would've slept in two chairs pushed together.

Because the relative had an extra bed in her room, one of our kids stayed with her, and the other two stayed with us. We got a benefit from that room, which has some value, but it's nothing we'd have paid for had we been traveling alone.

The relative has said a couple of times, "Let me know what I owe you for the room and I'll get a check in the mail asap!" I need to figure out what she owes, but am not sure what's fair. Any thoughts?

Situation 2:

A relative who lives across the country picked up something for me at a local store - something I can't get where I live, but that I wanted to give to a friend for Christmas. The item cost about $25, and shipping was about $10. She mailed it - along with another package to another relative who lives farther from her than I do, as well as her Christmas cards - and did so via Priority mail. She didn't purchase delivery confirmation or insurance. She misunderstood a statement that I once made about never bothering with insurance through the PO because it's overpriced and I've shipped thousands of eBay packages and haven't lost a single one. She thought I also thought delivery confirmation was a waste, and so she got *neither* of those. She mailed it from a post office in a grocery store.

The farther-away-than-me relative has already received her package. I received my Christmas card days ago. Those things were mailed the same day as my package, and from the same location... but my package has not yet arrived. Something tells me I may never see it.

If it doesn't show, do I pay her the full amount she spent on my behalf? It's not her fault and it's not my fault. The only possible carelessness was on her part for not getting dc and using a post office that's wasn't necessarily a 'regular' post office. And yet, she was doing me a favor so I don't think she should be on the hook for this expense.

What say ye, MCers?

My opinions:

Situation 1. I would pay for at least half the room simply because my child stayed there. If this person is someone you care about and does things for you (and you can afford it) I'd say it was my treat and have them pay nothing. If she is a penny cheaper who is cheap then I would have her pay half.

Situation 2. It would depend on my relationship with the person. If I didn't care about the relationship I might just forget it. I never received it and I'm not paying for it. Otherwise I would just pay for it and next time make it clear that I would pay for insurance or at least a delivery confirmation.

In both situations, and many similar ones, I would say the best thing is to make everything clear ahead of time. I would consider it my responsibility about the missing package because I did not specifically say to insure it.
And about the hotel I would probably forget it this time.

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A little more detail... and I don't know if it makes a difference or not...

Regarding the hotel, the relative was one of our mothers, and she's very comfortable, financially. Very very comfortable, I'd say. Maybe even more than very very comfortable. lol Widowed, no debt, substantial income from investments made through the years, in the "Medicare" phase of life... very, very, very comfortable, financially. We're not in dire straits by any stretch of the word, but are very much in the 'raising three kids on one regular income and some occasional freelance money' phase of life. The phase where the insurance rates just skyrocketed thanks to a couple of teenage drivers, where we're trying to find a solid used car, etc. We were careful and prudent for a number of years and also have no debt ( not even the house)... but nearly $500 (on top of gas and food, making it about an $800 weekend close to the holidays)... well, that's a very substantial chunk of cash for us.

I really wasn't worried about working it out ahead of time, because knowing her, when I tell her her amount she's likely to send a check for twice that amount and say, "My treat!" But whatever amount I tell her, I want it to be the true, fair amount.... whatever that is.

With the missing package, it's a relative (an in-law) I'm pretty close to. The sad thing, too, is that she paid more for Priority so it would get here before my friend left town for the holidays... and the friend is long gone. At best, if it shows up, she can get it in January, and it was an item intended for her to use ON Christmas break.

I would NOT have chosen to insure it, since that sometimes is actually riskier. An unscrupulous postal worker is more likely to swipe an insured package than an uninsured one, since the PO is just going to reimburse the buyer for a 'lost package' if it is never delivered. But if there is delivery confirmation on it, it's being scanned along the way and generally, from my observation reading the eBay boards, is highly unlikely to just disappear. So.. I did tell her *not* to insure it (or rather told her I never insure anything), but was under the impression that she *was* creating the label at home via computer, which would have generated the delivery confirmation number for free.

Edited to add one other thing...
Had 'mom' not ridden with us, she was going to get there with another relative and stay in her own room in the hotel where that relative was (the other relative was staying in a room with her grown granddaughters). That meant 'mom' would have gotten her own room at $90/night. I used the Bidding for Travel website and believed that the hotel where the others were staying was the only three star hotel in that zone and that if they accepted our $45ish bid that we would end up in the hotel others were paying $90/night for. Unfortunately - or fortunately, however you look at it - they had added an all-suite hotel - a very nice one that had just opened two weeks before - as a new three star hotel in that zone. That's what we were given by Priceline, and it was right across the street from everyone else. We got a full breakfast and big 50" plasma tv's in our rooms. The others did not. We really made out like bandits compared to the others across the way!

In the first case I would let her know how much her room was per night. I would not deduct any amount because one of your children stayed with her. She knew you were booking a room for her and she should be happy because you got her a good deal on it.

In the second case I would send her the full amount for the gift and the shipping. She did you a favor and shouldn't be out any money because of it.

I mostly agree with 3togetready, although in the first case I'd just say to Mom, "The rooms were $57.00 per night" and let her decide what proportion of that she owed. I don't think how much money she has matters. Although you wouldn't have reserved the room if she weren't with you, she would have enjoyed the privacy of a room to herself if you weren't with her.

In the second case, send her the full amount for the gift and shipping.

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I'm with jujubee2.

I agree that who has how much $ isn't really a factor. anna had mentioned that if we could easily absorb it that that's what she'd recommend. That's why I bothered to mention that - 'mom' is in a much better position to do any absorbing than we are. We *could* do it, but it would cause a bit of a pinch this month... and to her, the amount is not really a factor at all. She's frugal and was very pleased to not have to spend $90/night... but the $90 wouldn't have had any real impact on her financially.

I appreciate the responses, and my instinct, too, was to just pony up the $35 for the package that may never arrive. When I called her yesterday to see if there was tracking on it since it had been way too long, she was really frustrated and kept kicking herself, verbally, saying, "I shouldn't have risked taking it to a place that accepts packages that isn't a 'real' post office. I'd never used that location before and had no idea if they were reliable, and I should've just stopped at the real post office and let them handle it." The truth is, though, that I'd have done exactly what she did, and I don't fault her one moment for dropping it at a place that has a sign saying they will handle USPS shipments.

Thanks for the responses!

I say she pays half. She got a room, and the cost of that room was half of what you were charged. Had she of not gotten a room with you, all of your children would have stayed in your room with you. I would bill her half, and if she has a problem with it, discuss it then. You did her a "favor" (gave her some benefit) by giving her a ride, so I don't see your child sleeping in her room as any different.


You need to pay her the full amount for the item, plus the shipping. It does sound to me like you asked her to purchase DC or INS for this package. Not to mention, even if you had, and she forgot, she was still doing you a favor. That is the chance you take when you ask someone else to do something for you. I am a firm believer in the old saying "if you want something done right, do it yourself". I know, you said you couldn't get that item where you live. In the future, I would call the store that sells it, or try to find it on line, and buy it that way. Also, email instructions so the person has them in hand.

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is there a chance you can call the place where she dropped it off, just to check and see if possibly it got misplaced?

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#1: she should pay for her room (so half) since your child would have stayed in your room with you. There really shouldn't be an issue or question with this considering she bummed a ride and I assume didn't pay for gas. She would have had to pay to get there as well had you not given her a ride

#2: pay for the gift and shipping and make clear how to ship next time. Shipping can be confusing!

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Situation #1. The next time it comes up I would say that the room was $230 but since our child spent the night with you please send less. I am sure she would not but it is a nice thing to say and if she did send less then "technically" I would understand.
Situation #2. I would still have hope that your package arrives but I would send her what is due to her.

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Thanks, all, for your added perspectives!

To clear up a question or two, regarding #1, she did pay for a tank of gas (it took almost four, total, for our trip, and she was present for half of it - we met up in a city that was central to both of us). She also took us - and by 'us', I mean about 25 of us - to an Applebees-ish place for supper one night. She just discreetly told the waiter to give her the ticket and surprised us all. We sprung for a meal at Cracker Barrel on the way home and picked up the tab. We were glad she was able to ride with us, and it was a good trip all around. I just haven't been sure what to say to the "Now what do I owe you?" question, but I like the idea of just telling her how much the room was and insisting that she send less since our daughter stayed with her.

Regarding #2, I probably should have said (but it seemed like it was just more details in my already looooong post - lol) that I'm not actually sending her money for what she sent to me that hasn't yet arrived. She called me first and asked if we wanted to do a group gift with her for her mom (my MIL). She said, "Since you will be seeing her over Christmas, and I won't, if there is something you can think of that she'd like that is more than what you really want to spend, maybe we can go together and get it and I can just send you a check." I did some investigating, came up with some ideas, and when I called her about getting the item for my friend (a travel mug and some coffee from a place my friend mentions fondly that she really misses), my sister-in-law said, "I'll tell you what, just find a gift for mom in that same amount and give it to her from me, and we'll call it even."

Yesterday on the phone, she sort of hinted at sending me a check to cover her mom's gift since I did my part and didn't end up getting what was due me for my end of the bargain. I just told her, "No, no, don't do that - it may show up in a month and then I'd just be sending your money back to you!"

allinaugust, I tried really hard to find the gift online, but the store doesn't sell online at all - only in their actual store locations. When I looked at their website and clicked to see where their locations are, I realized there was one about 1/4 of a mile from my sister-in-law's house, and it turned out to be right across the street from her place of work. Who knew?

Well, I keep getting ready to give a suggestion but then the OP comes up with more to the stories.

1. I was going to say she pays for her room. Then you say she paid for a tank of gas and for 25 people at Applebees. I'd just tell her what the cost of her room was and tell her to send what she wanted.

2. Now that we know she told you to buy something for 'mom' from the both of you to pay for what she went out and got for you and mailed, I'd do just that. She went out shopping for you, wrapped it up and mailed it. It didn't get there but that's the post office's fault. I'd tell her she owes me nothing.

Personally, I think how much wealth a person has is irrelevant to doing the right thing. She wants to know how much the extra room cost and what she owes you for it, just tell her. I can't imagine a grandparent "charging" to have their grandkid sleeping in their room...had she not been there, you would not have rented a second room, so you should not incur any extra cost for that. The same could be said for the driving. If I were going somewhere anyways, I wouldn't charge my mother or MIL for having her ride along....it's not really "bumming" a ride when it's mom!....but then again, neither of us is that tight for cash at the moment.

No comment on the missing package scenario.

cj/

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I absolutely agree that the amount of $ anyone has has no bearing on what's fair, and also agree it wasn't a 'bumming a ride' situation. We were more than happy to go as one big family.... and as I mentioned above, I really just mentioned her financial abilities and tendancies to illustrate that regardless of what I say, she's positioned to - and likely will - 'overpay' for her share. I just want to feel good about having told her what I think her share truly *should* be and I was having difficulty figuring that out. Just because I know she likely will pay for the whole room doesn't mean I wanted to presume she was responsible for the full cost of it in the amount I tell her.... if that makes sense. She was really appreciative that she didn't have to stay in a room alone or battle city traffic, but none of that has any bearing on 'fair'.

Thanks for your input!

Hi Wow,

I say tell "Mom" how much the room was. She is probably more than happy to pay for it. Don't let too much time go by before doing this, or she'll realize it was something that you put a lot of time into thinking about.

The second scenario is probably best handled by completely reimbursing the post sender.

Great questions!

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