I for one do having been taking Paxil every morning and I take xanax as needed. I used to take zoloft but it did not help me. I have suffered with anxiety and panic attacks all my life. They along with migranes are the absolute worst. There were times I thougt I would die you truly feel like you will die. However at this age now almost 47 I honestly know nothing will happen but I guess it will always be apart of my life, it came from my dad and his family they all suffer. My dad has always been my inspiration in helping me deal with my panic attacks. I have my safe people my parents especially my dad of course my wonderful husband and my children. Alot of people pass judgement on people who take medicine and feel they should be stronger and deal with it. It is alot easier said then done. So kindly share perhaps we can all help each other. Peace. Catherine

Catherine you are sweet and truly nice person. I am glad you found something that helps you.

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The political system is broke and it's a joke.

I take Effexor for depression and generalized anxiety. I also take Remeron on night. It's an anti-depressant, but it also helps w/ sleep. I suffer from insomnia, which directly affects the anxiety and depression, and the worse the insomnia the worse the anxiety, the more anxiety the worse the insomnia---it's a vicious cycle!

And, let me tell you, after the year I had---if I wasn't already on meds, I would have had to start something!

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Mental that one, I'm telling you. ---Ron Weasley, "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets"

Thanks Anna same to you and to Marilyn thanks for sharing as well and glad you could take something that would help you sleep at nite with your boys you need to get as much rest as you can to deal with all you have dealt with I give you 100 credit for being the strong women you are. Peace. Catherine

Love my zoloft!!!! Paxil worked for me but the side effects are horrible. And boy did I have trouble getting off Paxil-it was mega nasty! Don't let other people bother you. They have no idea of the suffering that depression or anxiety can cause. When I try to explain it to people who don't understand I try to explain that it's a chemical imbalance and the meds seem to fix it and they wouldn't tell a diabetic to just try harder to not need their insulin! When it's a biological problem it's not going to be fixed by trying harder or "looking at the bright side of things", etc.. People just don't understand-they need to be educated.

I have in the past. And it was recommended that I do while dealing with the loss of Faith. It was REALLY bad for a while. But I knew I just needed to "feel" what I was going through. Ya know? I did have to take a xanax once in a while, but that's it. So glad I didn't now. Not passing judgement. I've just been there, done that. And didn't want to go back.

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Melissa

I take serafem, a pretty Prozac. It makes an incredible difference. David calls them my "Pocahontas" pills; they keep me off the warpath. (Please don't take that as anti-Native American comment or slur...that is not my intention. Pretty crazy when you have to add something like that to keep from being verbally attacked, isn't it?)

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If you're not living on the edge, you're wasting space.

that was funny..mdrpooh. I think I'll just stick to drinking....hehe.

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Melissa

Whatever gets anyone of us through the day sometimes to deal with all sorts of issues let it be whatever helps us to cope because life sometimes can be very hard to deal with. For me it just puts my mind at ease and puts me on a even harmonious feeling honestly just raising a 17 year old daughter is enough lol . I will tell ya my Caitlin is so much like her Dad very ambitious very outgoing very very indepent and looking at colleges and she wants to get a apartment live in New York City . While I know I have to face the facts, she is still my little girl she is tiny only 5/1 weighs 95 lbs and I am truly worried. Again whatever helps I say. Peace to all. Catherine

I need to do something, my anxiety is really bad and getting worse. Last month we went to the grocery store and I sat out in the van and cried for about 20 minutes before I could go in the store.
And that is just a small part of my issues, I have so many.
My husband won't let me see a Dr or get on any meds, he says they will make me like a zombie. So I just get to try to live through ever day.

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Insanity laughs under pressure we're cracking

I can relate with the grocery store thing. It was months after Faith left before I could go in a store alone. The meds will not make you a zombie. Especially if you really need them. There are some issues with them, but everything has an extreme, and zombie would be extreme. I hope you can get help.

and Catherine, I was kidding about the drinking.. It is not ok to drink to "get you through"

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Melissa

The right drugs will NOT make you into a zombie at all. Your husband needs to go with you to a doctor so he can understand this. His aprehension about meds should not be the reason you don't help yourself. If he had a medical condition, let's say a prostate problem, I don't think he'd want you to tell him he can't go. I really think he needs to be educated on this. The right meds would benefit HIM - you would be a happier person. Make sure he knows this!!! He might be pleasantly surprised. All my family and friends have noticed how much happier I am on meds. And I'm not a zombie in the least bit. For me it's the best of everything. Please get yourself to a doctor so you can live a happier life. Good luck!!

You shouldn't have to live like this and you don't need to.You do need to see a doctor so you can get the meds that will allow you to lead a normal life. You won't turn into a zombie if you're prescribed the right medication and dosage. Your husband is mistaken and there's no good reason for you to continue to suffer. Please, go to the doctor (with or without your husband's permission) and see how much better your life can be with the proper medication.

The trouble with disorders like depression is that there are some people out there who are 'guilty' of 'depression'... and it really is a 'guilty' thing. By that, I mean that they are simply negative people who choose to have a 'downer' outlook on life. They could fix that if they cared to, but for whatever reason - nature, nurture, who knows? - it 'works' for them to be a negative nancy.

The result is, IMHO, that when people truly do have a legitimate biological depression that is much more than just a poor perspective, they are afraid people will mistake them for someone who either A) really COULD control it if they wanted to, or B) has an even deeper mental issue going on that means they can't be trusted.

I think those issues make people hesitant - or resistant - to seek help when they really need it and could very much benefit from it.

Effexor here..been on it for about 2 1/2 years now..helps with depression...no zombie effects at all..but not anxiety. Xanax is so abused in this town no dr. will prescribe it.

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Live, Love, Laugh

St johns wort!!

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Be careful what you wish for.....

Won't let you see a doctor? That's pretty concerning. I don't know if meds are the right route for you, but that's something for you and a doctor to figure out.

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Once the game is over, the king and the pawn go back in the same box.

Ok I mentioned I have anxiety problems, it's bad. So bad I can't drive. So if I need or want to go anywhere I have to depend on him. Anxiety can really be debilitating.

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Insanity laughs under pressure we're cracking

My doc prescribed the Remeron a couple of years ago. I was also having trouble sleeping, and I was diagnosed as anxious with depressive tendencies. It has helped me a lot.

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Friends are like butt cheeks.
Crap might separate them,
But they always come back together.

Nope dont need anything to get me thru the day.

I was on zoloft when i was married, then after I divorced the idiot and moved back to NJ I slowly got off of it. The zoloft helped me a lot though during that time.

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~~~~**Maryann**~~~~

I just got a firm grip on reality....
Now I can strangle it

To Momrajum , yes I know you were kidding and I guess I should have written it out about using alcohol or drinking to get you through the day, never ever ever I mean't to say to use your medicine to get you through. I would say if anyone can remember I do not drink any all and am totally againist any form of alcohol usage. So sorry for the mistake and thanks for all your input. Peace. Catherine

Ask someone else to take you to a doctor! Get there any way you can! Having a husband who is controlling your health care is probably a good part of your problems!!!
You need the help and you deserve the help! Life is too short to spend it feeling the way you do. You will not feel like a zombie, you will start to feel like a happy, healthy person as God intended!!!!!

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Square dancing is friendship set to music!

Thats what friends and taxi's are for. I would worry more about the controling husband more than any thing. Tell him you are having female troubles and need to see your gyno. He can't complain about that and they could probably help you. I was on Zoloft after my father died. I think everyone needs a little help at some point in their life.

I take a very small dosage, 25mg, of Zoloft every day. I have slight OCD and anxiety issues, and this really helps me.

I am the type of person who will be halfway down the road and wonder if I turned the coffee pot off, and have to turn around and check.

It helps to have the small dosage of Zoloft. Plus, I talk out loud as I do stuff that I know will cause me to wonder, like "coffee maker off, heat off, animals accounted for (in the house, not outside), doors locked, etc."

DH says that I am psycho (in a joking, loving manner).

These types of OCD can get really annoying.

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"Yesterday my life was duller, now everything's technicolor!"

Maybe if you got on meds, you would realize you don't need you husband. Maybe that's what he's afraid of.
Don't kid yourself, what you're DH is doing (keeping you from seeking medical treatment) is a form of abuse. He's controlling you. It's mental/physchological abuse. It is abuse just as surely as if he punched you in the face.

If you can't go to the store, or have such anxiety that it takes you 20 min. to get yourself together, then you need help.

You need help! I suspect, and I could be wrong, that you DH controls a lot of aspects of your life. If that's the case then it probably won't be long until you see some sort of physical abuse as well.

PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE seek help.
If he won't take you for anti-depressants, lie and say you need to go for "female" issues. If he won't take you for that, then that's a true sign of an abusive spouse.

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Mental that one, I'm telling you. ---Ron Weasley, "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets"

I have no local friends. My anxiety has made me very anti social. No family. We are in a smallish town. I'm sure there are taxis but, gosh this is going to make my situation sound worse, I have no access to my husbands bank account so I wouldn't have any way to pay for a taxi.
Also when I do go to the Dr my husband comes back in the room with me, so he would know what what going on.
And since we live in a smallish town there is only one female Drs office so he would know if I was going there or not.

I know I need to see someone and I do know I need some medication. It has been a rough 5 years. Had my twins taken early due to TTTS. They were in NICU for 17 days and one for 4 months. 10 days after they were taken my dad died after gallbladder surgery due to the drs negligence. And then we lost one of our twins New Years Eve 2008. I think just talking to someone would be an enormous help.

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Insanity laughs under pressure we're cracking

I took Lexapro for awhile. I am a recovered/recovering ( you never truely recover) anorexic. I took it to help pull me out of the spiral I was stuck in. The added benefit was it helped me put weight back on. I took it for about a year until I could get myself straight. Every now again when I see a trigger or feel that spiral start I ask for another prescription. So far it has helped me not drop down to the danger weight in awhile.

You have had a ton of stress and you need to get help. One big red flag really is your controlling husband. I don't know how long you have been married, how many kids you have, etc... but his behavior is definitely taking it's toll on you. It will also affect your child(ren) so if you have to do something and can't do it for yourself do it for them. They need you healthy. Are you involved in a church? Maybe they can help.

Alright I gotta cut in here. I think, maybe due to some our current relationship status' ..ahem...Marilyn ;0) it may be a jump here to say her husband is so controlling. So, maybe he doesn't want his wife taking anti depressants. Out of ignorance probably. Doesn't make him a bad guy. So he likes to go to the Dr. with his wife. Maybe he is more protective than controlling. I haven't read anything furry has said that says he is controlling necessarily. You know what I mean?


Furry....does your DH love you? Do you love him? Does he need to be educated re: anxiety problems? Is he perfect? Probably not.

You've had a rough couple of years, ppl deal with that all sorts of ways. Help him to understand that you need help. Get someone else to talk to him. But, going behind his back may not be the answer at this point. What would that do to your relationship?


You know what ladies? Our spouses are not perfect, and I don't know what furrys story is with hers, but I just think we need to be careful before we start on the "your husband is an ass" bandwagon.


JMHO

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Melissa

I wouldn't say her husband is an ass however he controls the money, whether and for what she can go to the Dr and he goes into the exam with her so she cannot be honest with her Dr and say what is really wrong. He may just be nosy however to those of us who have been in abusive relationships or worked in social services or volunteered at the Women's Shelter these are definitely red flags. I think everyone is just concerned and shocked. If my husband tried to tell me why I could or couldn't go to the Dr he might need to go to the emergency room himself. And if my husband controlled the money to the point of my not being able to take a cab somewhere I would be fearful he was trying to alienate me from society.
Now we could be wrong for sure but there are many red flags and we just want to help and be supportive.

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The political system is broke and it's a joke.

With all due respect---my ex was never controlling. My ex was an unmedicated bi-polar who could fly into rages over something as simple as I didn't have dinner done when he thought he should have been. And then blame me. He was manipulative, charming, etc. And physically abusive.

NOT ALLOWING a spouse to seek medical care or attending all the appointments, controlling the money, are classic signs of an psychologically abusive person. I'm not basing this off of my personal experience---but having worked w/ abuse victims, countless hours of training (ironic that I was an abuse victim, isn't it?) and working with law enforcement....

Furry needs help. Her post has thrown up several red flags as to how her DH behaves. There is a very, very, VERY fine line between overprotective and abusive. If he will not even allow her to attend Dr. appts. alone, that crosses the line between..
Abusive Men: Top 10 Signs of an Abusive Man
Warning Signs of Abusive Relationships
Domestic Violence and Abuse: Signs of Abuse and Abusive Relationships
Abusive Relationship - 23 Warning Signs
Controlling & Abusive Relationships

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Mental that one, I'm telling you. ---Ron Weasley, "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets"

Well, anna....my relationship with my dh hasn't always been a bed of roses.......so I know red flags. "Those of us" may include a lot more ppl than you think. Some of us come out the other side with a different perspective. However, there is not a perfect formula for marriage. What works for some, may not work for others.

Ask furry. Are you miserable in you marriage? All marriages have problems, but what you see as controlling may actually work for them in most instances. It wouldn't be ok with me, but she might be comfortable for the most part. I could be way off base.

And you are right, she does need support. Support can come in many different ways....

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Melissa

Marilyn, I wasn't wanting to pick on you, or upset you. I was just saying that what you have been going through would of course make you very sensitive to this subject, and therefore not very objective. That's all. Please forgive me.


Please know.........I know more about this subject than I care to. I don't need the websites.

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Melissa

I understand momrajum in these types of situations I would err on the side of caution. And I think maybe furry might be hesitant to seek help because of her anxieties, lack of transportation, etc. I would just like her to know there are options and maybe her husband is the most wonderful husband in the world but doesn't realize the extent of the anxiety or for whatever reasons i.e. old fashioned, etc takes care of the money but either way there needs to be some communication and maybe some kind of counseling. At the very least a woman needs to be able to go to the Dr and talk frankly with her Dr even if she says "I think I need meds but my husband doesn't believe in them so what are some options?" Her problem may be due to something she's eating or breathing or something completely physical however she needs some kind of help. Even if it's just a volunteer giving her a ride to the appointment.
I know my marriage isn't perfect however we do communocate and I don't have to fear talking to DH about anything. And if I needed some of "his" money (I control the finances but he has his own account also) he would give it to me.

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The political system is broke and it's a joke.

I didn't post the websites for you.....

I don't buy the argument "what we might see as controlling, actually works for them", that's a cop-out. Controlling is controlling. Not allowing your spouse to seek medical care, or accompanying INTO the exam room (even for female exams) and not having access to her husband's account (notice she didn't say "our" but "his") is controlling. Yes, he may be under stress. Yes, he may be coping w/ his stress in this manner--it still doesn't alter the fact that she is in a crisis situation w/ her mental health! And it appears that her DH is not helping, and in fact may be adding to her crisis.

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Mental that one, I'm telling you. ---Ron Weasley, "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets"

But, Marilyn, maybe the reason it works for them is because of her anxiety. I'm not saying they probably don't need help, but maybe he's not the only problem.

My only point is.....let's not automatically assume the worst. Help her, encourage her, give her tools, but don't make a bad situation worse by assuming the worst of the man she's chosen to spend her life with. That's all.

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Melissa

Furry, according to a recent post of yours, you're a little over an hour away from me. If you decide that you want to see a doc and need a ride, let me know and I'll try to help out.

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Once the game is over, the king and the pawn go back in the same box.

Good job Jen!!!!!

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Melissa

and perhaps her anxiety is because of him.....

don't assume the best about people either. I'm sorry, but I just see way too many red flags. Further, perhaps she is "happy"---because she doesn't know anything else! I've seen battered and abused women attack police officers who were arresting the abusive husband....because those women do not know anything else.

Too many red flags, too many....

I wouldn't have thought anything about it if she would have said that her DH didn't really want her on meds (lots of people don't want their loved ones on certain type of meds....). It was the refusing to take her to the doctor, and later the "his" account statement.

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Mental that one, I'm telling you. ---Ron Weasley, "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets"

OK you win. He's an abusive jerk.

OK I get it.....RED FLAGS. I get it. geez Marilyn.

just trying to give another perspective......carry on.

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Melissa

I think this is very good advice.

The OP is obviously in a rough place, and she may or may not be processing her own life very well right now. I have a close friend who has often 'vented' to me about similar issues with her own husband, and she just read something recently that was a lightbulb moment for her about her own behavior and how she was exacerbating some issues within him that didn't necessarily *have* to be issues. For instance, he 'controlled' all the money and didn't 'let' her have access to their bank accounts. Come to find out, it was just how his own dad had done things, his mom liked it that way, money was tight (no debt other than their house, but not a lot for extras!) and he thought actually SEEING that would freak out his already high-strung wife. So... her perspective was that he was cutting her out because *he* was a controller, but the reality was that he thought it was a *protective* move he was making on her behalf.

Ironically, he was not 'letting' her go to the Dr. At least that's what she told me. Come to find out, that, too, was a money issue. They had run out of cafeteria plan cash to pay deductibles and co-pays, and since she hadn't really SEEMED all that sick, he was trying to hold her off for a couple of months until they were in a new cafeteria plan year. He had put off some of his own medical needs for the same reason.

He didn't want to TELL her about the money thing because she was already a bundle of nerves and he thought it would make it worse. She had quit a pretty good job to start a new one that didn't pan out, and has carried guilt for putting their family in a financial pinch, and he didn't want to make her feel worse by letting her see how much her decision had hurt them.

He's not perfect by any means, but truly, her 'processor' was off. I spent a lot of time angry that he was so awful to her until I realized I was only getting her perspective... and hers was very, very skewed.

I love her like a sister, but that's the reality of the situation.

wowitsdark..........I've said it before, I'll say it again. You ALWAYS say what I'm thinking better than I do. Thank you. That is EXACTLY what I meant. I pretty much would like to scream right now. lol

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Melissa

LOL - glad I can help!

I agree with marilyn that they are red flags, but red flags are JUST that. Often there is something going on that shouldn't be, and it's good to go with instincts.

The reality is, though, that we don't know each other. We don't now afurrything. We don't know her husband. If it truly is as she presents it, he's got serious control issues or is simply from a different 'culture' and thinks he is being a good husband. If that's the case, I'd hate to be guilty of encouraging her to push somebody away that could actually be the one person she needs to keep close.

My best advice to the OP would be to encourage her to figure out some way to get to the Dr. WITH her husband. Even if it means looking up legitimate physical reasons for the things she is feeling. He may be scared of the idea of having a wife with a 'psych problem' for some reason (and his fears may be legit - we don't know him!). If she said, "Joe, I've been having some symptoms that make me think there is something wrong with my pituitary gland (pulling that out of the hat - lol). I have this, this, and this, and I did some research and that is a possible cause, and it says it needs checked out sooner rather than later. I want to go see. Would you go along with me?"

Then research the snot out of any anti-depressants a Dr. might be inclined to prescribe. When he quickly says, "That doesn't sound like a pituitary issue to me. Describe your sleep patterns... your moods... etc.", OP can be ready with solid answers to give him in front of her Dr. Then she can ask the Dr. a lot of leading questions like, "So is my need for Paxil because I actually also need THERAPY?" and he will probably say, "No, no - this is an issue that probably came on because when a woman's hormones dip to such-and-such a level, the adrenal gland ceases to produce... blah blah... and it won't begin to produce it again until your level of blah blah is raised. We can do that artificially for thirty days and then see if it looks like you have begun producing it on your own...."

Or something like that.

I think the husband is afraid of the word 'depression', and if she can lead him to understanding without a battle, that's a good thing.

can I just say.....i love you. hehe

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Melissa

In all seriousness. Furry, there are alot of ppl here that care what happens to you. Our hands are tied as far as what we can really do for you. Can I just encourage you to not give up. Find someone who can help you through this. You are not alone, whether it's here or irl.

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Melissa

Perhaps, if you could have NOT insinuated that *I* was looking at this only from the perspective of an abused wife....

I can be, and am very objective with other people's issues. It was my own that I had problems looking at objectively. FWIW--I loved my ex, and he loved me. A part of me still loves him (as the father of my children, as a person--and I think he feels the same), so LOVE sometimes isn't enough.

We don't know what goes on in anyone else's home/life. We can only base our opinions on what is posted. My opinion is that if a husband does not allow his wife access to medical care, does not allow his wife access to the bank account, and won't allow his wife to attend MD appts. alone he is controlling.
Controlling husbands turn to physically abusive husbands in a heartbeat. Based on your comments you may know that from first hand experience.

We both want the poster to get help. We just don't agree on what route to take or what she needs to do.

I really wish that you had IM'd me with your concerns about my post instead of naming names. I would have gladly discussed this with you, and probably even edited my post.

As it stands---I will stand by my statements.

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Mental that one, I'm telling you. ---Ron Weasley, "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets"

quote Alright I gotta cut in here. I think, maybe due to some our current relationship status' ..ahem...Marilyn ;0)

This is how I originally started this discussion. It's my style. I consider you a friend here, I wasn't "outing" you. I thought I was helping you gain some perspective. I've tried to explain that. If you want to be pissed, go ahead. I thought I was being loving towards you...notice the wink. I didn't mean to offend you........I've already apologized. Again, I'm sorry.

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Melissa

Furry check your PMs.

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The political system is broke and it's a joke.

I'm not pissed.

but again, I would have appreciated you helping me gain perspective in private. Not making it sound like the only thing I'm capable of is hating all men and thinking all men are abusive jerks. I love men---just not my ex!

As far as perspective---according to my therapist, I have a pretty good perspective.

FWIW---I divorced my husband for lying and cheating on me with other men. Oh, and having other men in my bed for sexual explorations while I was at work... The physical abuse stopped long ago (pretty much the night he was arrested!). I forgave him for the abuse, because most likely a lot of his rages were untreated bipolar.

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Mental that one, I'm telling you. ---Ron Weasley, "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets"

I understand Marilyn, but I wasn't just talking to you. I am sorry I named you, I just thought you'd "get it". Sometimes I think we read more than is really there in one another's posts. ya know? '

You have a therapist?? I'm jealous...



edited to say........I'm feeling froggy...

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Melissa

You need to sneak something into your Husbands food. I cant believe you have to live like that. You need a good friend. I take Prozac and it helps. Sweetie I think you need more than Medicine. Dont want to get into your private life but sounds like you dont have one. Get some help. You deserve it.

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When you don`t know what to do-Walk fast and look worried.

afurrything hon my heart goes out to you and sincerely hope and pray that you can seek some help and get something to help you cope a sincere wish for peace and health and happiness. We are here for you . Many hugs I know the feelings you experience and sadly they are all too real. Again hugs. Catherine

QUOTE

I"'m not basing this off of my personal experience---but having worked w/ abuse victims, countless hours of training (ironic that I was an abuse victim, isn't it?) and working with law enforcement...."

This was my first thought when Marilynk posted. No matter what her personal life has been, this has been her work life and she has seen and knows the red flags. I think everyone is just truly concerned for the poster. As several have said we have all had things that weren't perfect at home, but when she cried for 20 minutes in a parking lot, NO ONE should have to live like that.

One thought in His corner that with everything they have lost he may not realize he is controling her, because he so so afraid he will lose her also.

I think we are all pretty much saying the same thing, just using different words and ideas to get there. We all want the poster to get help, no matter WHAT it takes to get her there.

Possible. It's sounds very much like a controlling/abusive situation to me, but without knowing all the facts it's hard to say.

Sometimes after an extremely traumatic event and the extreme depression and anxiety that comes with it, it can be easier to relinquish control to someone else. Everyday things (finances, medical decisions, ect) can just become too overwhelming. It may not be that he has put his foot down and insisted that she not see a doctor. It's possible that he may just has a negative (uninformed) view of psych drugs and she's just not in a mental space to be frank with him and rock the boat. Of course I'm just throwing that out there, she hasn't elaborated on the situation (and is not obligated to)

Furry, you're aware that you need help, now it's time to start taking the steps to get it. Whether this is an abusive situation or not, there are people that can help you. I know it may seem overwhelming and maybe you'll just need to take baby steps but at the very least find someone IRL to talk too, even if it's an anonymous help line. Find someone that can help you navigate your way through this. Best of luck.

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Once the game is over, the king and the pawn go back in the same box.

Sorry I lost the computer once the kids got home, didn't want you all to think I had just left.
I'll read everything tomorrow, I kind of skimmed through posts tonight. I will say yeah things are not good between us. He is not abusive in a physical way at all.
Thanks everyone for all the kind words, especially Jen!
Anyway I will read everything tomorrow, need to get to bed, 6 comes early and I have to get the kiddos up and off to school.
Oh and my name is Mindi. afurrything is a Pearl Jam reference.

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Insanity laughs under pressure we're cracking

What, you don't like being called furry? Sleep well Mindi.

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Melissa