Last week my 16 yr old daughter was at her high school pep band game when she accidently sat on on the flute of one of her bandmates behind her. It was kind of weird as the flute was still in the girls hand, not set down on the bench in front of her, where dd was sitting. One of the keys was bent, and not playable from the information I received. My daughter felt terrible about it (cried as she told me the story), and she gave the girl her good flute to use while her flute was being repaired (we have a not so great second flute at home). Anyway, I did talk to the mom about it and offered to pay for the repairs and she was very nice and said that it was just an accident. I honestly hope that we only have to pay for half of the repairs though if they end up being substantial. I plan on making my daughter cough up half of what I have to come up with, as she probably was guilty in sitting down too fast or plopping down (as she has done with my chairs in the past).

Would you make your daughter pay?

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Yes, absolutely. The flute was still in the kid's hand, so I suspect the daughter didn't look before she plunked herself, something she definitely shoulda done.

I probably wouldn't.... I would make my child pay if it was intentional, but not an accident. It sounds like she learned a lesson here anyway and will probably be more careful regardless of the monetary impact.

Just my opinion.

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Kim

Personally, I think it would depend on how much of a hardship it was for both of you.

It's crazy in those bleachers with those pricey instruments. Kids are supposed to be careful with their own and never let it be anywhere that it might get stepped on, sat on, or kicked. It sounds like the owner of the flute let it swing under your daughter's rear end during the 'sit down', so it sounds like she herself wasn't watching closely, either.

It was an accident, and it sounds like your daughter may or may not bear much of the responsibility. I think it was nice of you to offer to pay. I do think kids need to feel the sting of their actions sometimes and cough up restitution... but whether or not I turned this into one of those big life lessons would really depend on how much we were talking about, how able your daughter is to foot the bill, and whether or not it's too much of a hardship on you yourself to pay it.

I realize they are in training for 'real life', but in real life, you occasionally get a break, too, so I think letting financial circumstances being a factor in how you decide to proceed is acceptable here. I don't think EITHER course of action is wrong given the circumstances.

I was thinking the same thing.

I feel the same

If it was still in the other girl's hands is it possible she was kind of sticking it under your daughter for some kind of joke?

I would make my child at least pay for part of it just to teach him that we are responsible for what we do and to be more careful next time. As one of the other posters said she may have just sat without looking. Just because something is an accident doesn't mean we bear no responsibility.

Think of it this way: when you're driving if you have an accident you're still responsible for it. If someone comes to you home and has an accident you may be responsible for paying for that also. We call them accidents not on purposes but we're still responsible for paying for it.
Maybe you can talk to her tell her it's okay we all have accidents they are life's way of telling us to be more careful. If she has to be at least partially responsible for the cost she will never forget it and she will be very careful from now on perhaps avoiding something even more serious from happening in the future.
It's one of the teachable moments in life. I do feel that children today are not made to feel responsible for things. We don't want them to "feel bad". Then when they become adults they may feel things are not their fault.
That is my opinion I know it may not be popular one but it's how I feel.

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As a parent I would offer, and mean it, to pay for the repairs or replacement if needed and then let it go.

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I agree. I would not make my child pay for it unless it was intentional. If my child offered to help pay for (and this I would hope as it is how we are trying to raise them...to take personal responsibility), I would let them. I wouldn't force them since it wasn't on purpose and especially since it wasn't *just* her fault (the flute shouldn't have been where that could have happened). Just my thoughts

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I have to disagree about not paying just because it was an accident.

If you are in an automobile ACCIDENT and do damage to someone else's property, you are responsible even though it was JUST AN ACCIDENT.

The same holds true here. Accidents do happen.

However, if the girl whose flute it was contributed to the accident, a 50-50 is a good solution.

If it is an accident because you are being irresponsible that is one issue, but if it was truly an accident, no I would not make my daughter pay, but I would cough up the money myself.
You only have to pay for a car accident if you have done something wrong, such as breaking a law. I just don't see sitting down on a flute as the same type of "accident"

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Not in my state.

In my state, they determine which part is mostly to blame, and that person shoulders the responsibility - usually all of it.

For instance...

Say your child left his bicycle in the street while running a newspaper to someone's front porch. At the time, no cars were coming from either direction.

Before he could get back to his bike, a car came around the corner and the driver was unable to put on his brakes quickly enough to avoid hitting the bike.

It was an accident. The driver did not mean to destroy the bike. The child did not mean for his bike to be in anyone's way.

But... the reality is that the driver had a right to expect the street would be bike-free, and the child should have made sure his bike was not in a 'danger zone'.

Who is most at fault for the accident? IMHO, the child who left the bike in the street, even though the driver was present for the collision.

The driver's insurance would not have to pay the child for a new bike.

When you're in crowded bleachers, you don't let your instrument be in someone else's 'butt zone' when you're doing lots of sitting and standing. I think the girl with the flute is more at fault.

Well Julie even if you're not breaking the law for example your brakes fail even if you've kept them maintained or if you don't see something and hit it you still have to pay. Anytime there's an accident either one party has to pay or both parties have to split the costs.


ETA I want to make it clear I am not assigning blame however it's a matter of responsibility on both sides. When you have something expensive it's your responsibility to ensure it's safe and out of the way of harm. When you are sitting down, or running, or walking in a public place it's your responsibility to ensure it's safe to do so. What if instead of the flute getting broken the child who sat down had been severely injured (far fetched however I'm making a point here) and had to pay extensive medical bills?

Another example: my son once brought a valuable collection of this collector's cards to school when he was in the elementary grades. They were stolen and he was heartbroken. Although the "blame" lies mostly with the brat who stole them, it was his responsibility to keep at home where they were safe. I felt very sorry for him I believe that was a moment where he lost his innocence however I explained to him that he knew he should not have brought them to school and he understood that.

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I know it depends on what the deductible is, but most home owners insurances (and renters insurances) will pay for band instruments. Of course, if it's a $1,000 deductible and the repairs are only $200, that wouldn't help, but might be something to consider. For what it's worth, if my daughter didn't mean for it to happen and wasn't doing something silly to cause it to happen, I wouldn't make my daughter pay, but I would pay for repairs myself. Good luck!

I would offer to pay for it to be repaired. Since it was an accident, I probably wouldn't make my daughter pay for it...maybe half, I'm not sure. We would definitely get it fixed for them though. ~Lisa

With band kids in bleachers, what you have is a group of kids sitting and standing, sitting and standing, sitting and standing. When a song is over, you sit. When playing, you stand... or however it is your particular band does it.

It sounds like the song had ended, which would be when everyone would sit.

If it was "sit time", flute girl really should have made sure her flute wasn't in the 'zone' of the sitter in front of her. To me, that is just common sense.

OP's DD had probably been sitting there three minutes prior, before the song, and should have been able to assume that nothing had appeared on the bleacher under her buns at that time. It just makes sense. If you were at a performance of some sort ,stood up to applaud, and then sat down in your seat, would you assume someone had put something *in* your seat while you were standing and take a look at the seat before you sat down? I wouldn't. I'd just sit back down.

I just don't see where OP's DD has done anything wrong. I think the flautist caused the accident.

This is how I feel.

Especially since your daughter was remorseful.

That is a tough call. I would offer to pay for the repair, however, if I were the Mom who's DD had the flute sat on, I would likely decline your offer of payment. I just think that would be awkward, and I don't think it is that great of an expense to have a key repaired.

My DD has a clarinet, 2 of them actually, and we have a separate insurance policy for it. Maybe this girl's family does, too???

I am still trying to figure out how, if the girl was holding the flute, that your DD managed to sit on it??? Were they in the bleachers? Just trying to get clarity.

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Thanks for all the replies. I really appreciate different perspectives on situation. I have not heard from the mother yet, but I have a feeling that she might feel ackward contacting me about how much the repair bill is. I will wait until next week and call her again to see if she did learn how much the repair will cost. The good news is the girl got a loaner flute from Quinlan & Fabish, the outfit which is repairing her flute......so my daughter did get her good flute back from the girl.

Allinaugust, it was kind of strange how it all happened. Yes, they were all in the bleachers at the game and the girl was sitting directly behind my daughter (dd told me that usually there is no one behind her during games, but two flutes were missing that night, so seating arrangement was different). Anyway, they must have been standing while playing, and when they finished, my daughter sat down. Maybe she sat down more quickly than everyone else, but ended up sitting on part of the girls flute while still in the girl's hand. So, the girl probably had her flute extended out when she shouldn't have, so their is some responsibility on her part too. Yes, it was an accident and hopefully this experience will make everyone more aware of themselves and their instruments.

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I meant to add that *I* would pay for it no matter what. I just wouldn't necessarily make my DD do it

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I'm just trying to figure out how your daughter SAT on the other girl's flute if the girl still had the flute in her hands?? !! I'm trying to picture it....

I am a band mom too. We have been blessed w/ free instruments. Since the other mom was so kind, I would offer up to pay for half of the damages. Obviously, there was some carelessness inviolved. Most kids don't jump in their seats w/ an instrument , and her child left it there. Both are responsible. So mom, I would agree to pay half...And make your kid pay half of that (one-fourth). You pay the rest, and there is a really good life lesson for your kids.

Having been a band kid
We always had our instrument on our knee, or held straight down in front of us when not in use. I am thinking that the girl behind her let her flute swing while sitting and your daughter sat at the same time.

You offered.... I truly do not see how your daughter was at "fault" Unless she was bouncing around and jumping from row to row.

Our band leader made us treat our instuments like knives.... always pointed down and never to touch someone else.

Having been a band member also (clarinet), I also don't see how it could be your daughters fault.The other girl must have had her flute where it shouldn't have been for your daughter to have accidentally sat on it. That would have put your daughter in an awkward position though and I could understand her offering her flute and all till its fixed.I wouldn't have my daughter pay for it.I also feel that just loaning the other girl the flute should have been enough but its too late for that.Hopefully the other mother will realize that its at least half her daughters fault too and not expect you to foot the whole bill.But since you already offered you'll probably get stuck with it.

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I have never seen anyone with eyes on their rear, so assuming your daughter is not the exception, she couldn't have expected a flute,or anything but her chair, to be there. The flute should not have been there. I don't see how this is your daughter's fault at all. I can understand her feeling bad, but I really don't see why you should have to pay. But since it was offered, you may have to pay something. I wouldn't call the woman back, just wait and see if she calls you. She may very well recognize that the flute was not where it belonged, and that the responsibility is her daughter's, and never call again. She was probably grateful for the offer, but she shouldn't expect you to pay. If you don't continue to make a big deal of it, maybe she won't either.

Yes, even if the girl had sat the flute down and it wasn't in her hand it would be your daughter's fault for not looking before she sat.

UPDATE. Like I mentioned, I did offer to help pay, but never heard from the mom. I was wondering if I should call the mom again about the offer (for half at least) but I think I am just going to let it go. She would have taken me up on my offer if she really believed that we should pay.

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