My sister has been depressed these past few months after she learned her oldest son, who is 20 yrs old, got a girl pregnant over the summer (she is also 20 and it was a summer fling, so they didn't know each other that well). My sister is a very "take charge" type person and her first reaction was a feeling of sorrow for the baby and she offered to take and raise the baby for the girl; not even knowing the girl or her family. They declined and probably thought she might be a little crazy and maybe over-bearing. Shortly after, the girl and family repeatedly pleaded for the son just to walk away from the situation (though we all know that at any point they could demand financial responsibility) So, sister insisted that their family (sister, husband and son) go to counseling and figure out what to do. End result, therapist advised the son to make a clean break.

So, they have no contact with this girl and family since probably Oct. The only thing my sister knew was the girl's name and her approx due date, which was Mar22. Being overly curious, she looked the girl up on her facebook page and saw a picture of the baby girl, who was born just a short while ago. My sister is feeling overwhelmingly helpless with this, but unfortunately it is the son's decision, which she is going to have to respect.
(**The girl and her family live over 2 hours away from my sister)

Has anyone dealt with a similar situation and have words of encouragement that I can pass onto her?

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I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!

I cannot believe the counselor told him to make a clean break. I cannot imagine how sad your sister is. I wish I had something wise to say, but I don't. Only that, from recent experience, the pain of loss eases with time. Maybe someday, as is my hope, that sweet little girl will look her up and she can tell her how much she loves her....

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Melissa

I'm with you Melissa! That seems to border on malpractice. Unless the father is abusive, mentally incapacitated or something like that---I would think that at least giving the man an opportunity to be a father would be beneficial to all.

I don't have words of wisdom. But, I will say your sister needs to try and let it go at this point. It will eat her up if she lets it.

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Mental that one, I'm telling you. ---Ron Weasley, "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets"

I am not too sure about the law. I strongly suggest legal advice. I think that if the girl's parents legally adopt the baby they can't come after your son years down the road for child support. I don't believe a father (or mother) can just decide they don't want to have the legal responsibilities of a parent unless there is another way to assure society someone is going to be there to support the child (other than you , me, my neighbor, and the people down the street).

Well, from my understanding of the situation, the girl pleaded with my nephew to walk away from the situation. I don't know for sure, but I suspect that my sister scared the family when she offered to take/adopt the baby (Long story short, my sister and I grew up with a single mother back in the 60's/70's before mom remarried and very uncommon at that time. My sister really has resentful memories of my mom going out too much, having boyfriends, and feeling very much not like a traditional family). I know my sister made this offer because she foresees a possible unstable childhood for the baby (with boyfriends and stepdads) and it hits home with her. And with her controlling nature, she wants a say in this.

Anyway, from my knowledge, the therapy sessions with my nephew went something like "Envision your life with the baby" (positives/negatives) Now, "Envision your life without the baby in your life". Which way do you envision your life in the future?

I do agree that he has a financial responsibility with the child, and this will certainly come up in the future.

My sister talked with the girl's dad inquiring about a paternity test, and he discouraged it and said that it would just be a waste of time. I have no idea where he is coming from, as I would think that they would want this to prove that he indeed is the father of the baby (for financial reasons)
It's definitely complicated.

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I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!

The cynical side of me questions if he is the father. On the flip side, not knowing exactly how overbearing your sister was, I would guess that the girl's family doesn't want any drama and that is why they "don't want" anything from your nephew.

My advice is for him to get the paternity test done on the baby. If he is the father, then he needs to own up financially and get visitation rights to get to know the child.

Here's the thing, a man cannot just give up his rights. Legally there has to be someone, like the mom's husband, if and when she marries, that is willing to take responsibility. Until that time, no matter how far he walks, he is responsible for the child. Someday this will catch up with him. Right now, they, (the grandparents and mom) say they just want him out of the picture. People change their minds, and when that happens, they can come after him. And, if mom recieves govt. benefits, it will catch up with him.

He really needs to get a paternity test. Her parents don't really have a say in this. The courts will probably order it eventually anyway. Why not deal with it now??

Even if he wants to walk away from this situation, rest assured, it will catch up with him eventually. Why not deal with it now. Besides that, if it is his daughter, he may be missing out on the best thing that ever happened to him....

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Melissa

What a sad situation for everyone involved. I can't believe the counselor advised the father to just make a clean break. He will, indeed be financially responsible and your sister now has a precious grandchild she cannot love or interact with.
I guess I can understand somewhat from the mother's point of view but when you have random sex with a virtual stranger you have to be prepared for the consequences.
It's not fair to keep the father or his family out of the baby's life.

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The political system is broke and it's a joke.

I am not sure this will "catch up with him". If these people want nothing to do with the father of the child and his family, then they obviously are willing to take on the financial repsonsibiity themselves, just to get that side out of the child's life.

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Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent.

E. Roosevelt

I think the best thing is to seek legal counsel from someone who has broad experience with rights of single fathers. See if you can insist on a paternity test on the condition that he cannot turn his back on a child without knowing it's his or not. If it's not his, the answer is easy. If the child is his, he has every right to a relationship with that child. What is more, that child has a right to a relationship with her biological father.

We cannot undo immature decisions, but we can process them and find a way to live with them versus trying to stuff them and pretend they didn't happen.

Despite what this girl's family wants, this is between your nephew and the girl and what they want. He can certainly have a relationship with his daughter without interfering with their living as normal a life as possible, including going on to marry other people and having additional children.

He can certainly fade into the background, and perhaps she can raise the child with another dad and half siblings, but he is the one who will have to explain his lack of involvement to this child in the future. He is the one who will have to explain it to his future wife and this first child's half siblings. His integrity and self respect are at risk here, and I cannot blame your sister for being concerned about HER baby's well being.

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"Dance like no one is watching."

I can certainly understand your sister's emotional turmoil. Perhaps she can buy a journal for her grandchild and write to her over the years in a worst-case scenario. I'd also encourage the nephew, in that situation, to do the same. At least then this child will eventually know that she was not forgotten about.

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"Dance like no one is watching."

I appreciate all the good replies. One other thing that I didn't mention is that the girl's parents are older (early 60's, maybe). The girl is the baby of the family, but all her siblings are in their thirties (girl must have mentioned this to nephew, as my sister knew about it). I know my sister is thinking that they, getting close to retirement, most likely do not want to deal with this situation, as I would imagine the girl is living at home. The parents may be around for many more years, but they may not. That's just one more thing tugging at my sister's heart, as I know she's thinking that the baby girl may not have grandparents in a few years. I know she would lovingly take on the role of a grandmother, but she's not allowed to.

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I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!

This is what happens when you take prayer out of schools.

Do you really believe this? Please elaborate.

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"Dance like no one is watching."

Yes, when I prayed in school, God revealed to me that I should have an abortion.
Just like God (prayer) led me to divorce my husband.

Seriously, you have some issues PP, or you are just a troll trying to start crap.

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Mental that one, I'm telling you. ---Ron Weasley, "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets"

Mock we as you wish but the removal of school prayer has lead to the moral decay of society. It has caused lower SAT scores, increased teenage pregnancy, increased divorced rates. This is all true, you can look it up if you'd like. But I think you'd rather mock me and use me as a punching bag, am i right?

It's really hard for anyone to take you seriously when all you spew is ignorant bull$h!t.

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The political system is broke and it's a joke.

MOCK YOU? I was being honest.

You believe what you want to believe, but you have spewed hate filled vitriole and venom. Not the kind of thing that MY God would want you to do.

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Mental that one, I'm telling you. ---Ron Weasley, "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets"

"It has caused lower SAT scores, increased teenage pregnancy, increased divorced rates. "

Please provide the statistics and your source to back this up. I'm curious. How does it affect divorce rates? I mean...are teachers who marry each other getting divorced by prayer being taken out of the schools in which they work? Do parents argue amongst themselves and get divorced because prayer is taken out of the schools where their children attend?

Lower SAT scores? Higher rate of teenage pregnancy? How would one take this into account and keep track of such statistics? Impossible to do accurately and in an unbiased way.

I am not mocking you, but your comments seem outlandish and unfounded. If you're going to make such remarks, be prepared to defend them with reliable statistics and proof.

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"Dance like no one is watching."

Students are still allowed to pray in school. There is not organized prayer where they are being told what or to whom they need to pray.

Now back to the topic at hand.I agree with others, he needs to seek a paternity test and if he is the father then he needs to be a part of the baby's life.

Moving BACK to the original topic..............

Ok.. WHO didn't want the paternity test? The nephew or the girl's father? If it was the girl's father and the counselor is saying walk away............. there could be a 'reason' ... no?

It was the girl's father that said "No, it would just be a waste of time". Not sure exactly why he said that, but I suspect that the girl became very upset when she learned that my sister offered to take the baby (this was a phone conversation with the father, as sister has never met or spoken to the girl). I can just imagine the girl envisioned that my sister was going to try and take her baby away from her, although sister's offer was genuine; thinking of the welfare of the baby. Anyway, I can only guess that the girl pleaded with her parents to encourage them to all walk away.

So, that's where they are right now. I honestly think my nephew may feel some relief, but like many of you have said, this will probably catch up with him one day.

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I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!

I agree Pepperpot your comments made so sense at all sure it would be lovely and all for the couple to live all nice in beautiful home surrounded by a white picked fence but there is much more going on here in this suituation and your comments do not fit into this thread. I sincerely hope all can work out for this young couple and the baby .Peace. Catherine

I totally agree. If your nephew does, indeed, walk away from his baby, it does not reflect well on his integrity and self-respect: definitely would not be his shining moment in life If I was your sister, I would be beyond disappointed in my son.

I just think at 20, young people will often in times of such life-changing events, acquiesce and listen to all the 'grownups' assuming what they say or want is the right thing to do, especially if the prescribed solution would make everyone's lives easier.

He does not have enough life experience under his belt to know how this will affect him or the child emotionally down the road, despite adults telling him it's the best thing to do. I think he needs to be very careful what bridges he burns and who he listens to.

He and the mother of his child should meet alone (without parents around) and decide how they want to handle his involvement, considering what is best for this child as an individual, not necessarily what is best for the families involved.

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"Dance like no one is watching."

And I just wanted to reiterate my suggestion previously for him to seek legal counsel asap to determine his responsibilities and his rights here.

If he were my son, that is what I would do for him.

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"Dance like no one is watching."

Come on? Lower SAT scores, because people don't pray in school? That's asinine. I got excellent grades in school, and I started school in 1977, and there was no prayer in school then (my older sisters graduated early, at the top of their classes (twins) a year early).

Actually teenage pregnancy is on the decline (do some research). Increased divorce rates have more to do with finances, and the down turn of the economy.

My family (growing up) was never religious. I stopped going to church when I was 8 and didn't go back until I was in my mid 20's. My father died in 1977, my mother remarried in 1978, and she and my step father are still married.

I have been married myself going on 18 years, and my children have never prayed in school.


Your post is ridiculous at best.