I have a 20 year old daughter with a 3.5 year old granddaughter still living at home. The deal was, she could stay at home rent free as long as she was a student and did her share around the house. Last year, she flunked out of her Vet Tech program at the local community college and went to work almost full time. We agreed that in Feb she would start paying 200/mo rent. She paid once. Her attitude is horrible, refuses to clean up after herself or child unless we have a terrible fight. Her bedroom, that she shares with g-baby is a disaster area. She has contacted the county about getting on a wait list for assisted housing but never completes the paperwork or gets on a list (approx 12 months wait in our area). Believe me, this is breaking my heart, we have done everything we can to foster her independence and work toward being a productive member of society and she is fighting us every step of the way and it is time for tough love and to kick this chick from the nest. I hate that she would become a taxpayer burden, but if we give her 30 days notice, will she be able to get 'emergency assistance' through the county? Not sure this is relevant, there is a support/visitation order in place and Dad is an active parent, although they are not together. He has had his cs reduced to $62/per month and is not paying that. The county is going after him for contempt.
I am not sure where she would go if we tossed her out......I certainly don't want her homeless in a shelter, but we are totally sick of her entitlement attitude!

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"It's not about how much baggage you have, it's about whether or not you can carry your own baggage with grace and dignity."

I would give her a contract to sign that says either she enrolls in an approved educational/vocational program by such and such a date (no more than thirty days in the future that's plenty enough time) and either she is enrolled by that time or she pays the rent. Otherwise she has three days to evacuate the premises. Then I would make clear that I would not put up with any arguments or crying about it. I would outline exactly what the specific terms are (i. e. babysitting, transportation, food, utilities, etc) and what the rules or limitations are (i. e. no overnight guests, no noise past 10 pm, etc).
You have to outline exactly what your expectations are and what you will do and what amounts of money and time constraints you will give/endure and most of all you have to stick to it.
If she has money to spend on rent and refuses to give you any I would show her just exactly she can or cannot get for that amount of money and have some options outlined for her if she disagrees (i.e. homeless shelter, studio apt, rooms for rent, etc).

As long as she knows she can get away with her irresponsible behavior she will continue to do so.
Make it clear that you won't be always be around or be capable of helping her, that you love her and that she needs to learn to rely on herself. Let her know the good feeling of caring for oneself and that she will respect herself (and he daughter will grow up respecting her) more if she is able to take care of herself.

Good luck this is a tough situation for anyone and I feel for you.

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The political system is broke and it's a joke.

It sounds like she has become too comfortable, even though you've tried to make her independent. Her ace in the hole is your gd because she obviously knows you are ultimately looking out for her, the gd.

You said she has an entitlement attitude. Send both her and your gd packing. She needs to make it on her own. Sounds harsh, yes, but I am sure you would let her come back if necessary. Certainly to me, it reads that she has had it too easy. She hasn't succeeded in much yet so maybe this big kick will give her the push. She needs to see what she can do on her own, with the gd's father, friends, whatever.

It's tough and she obviously isn't any more ready to care for a child than when she gave birth. Best of luck on the turnout.

dl

No advice. But, good luck. I had to send one packing at an early age. It really woke him up and it was the best thing we could have done for him. However, there wasn't a night I slept well during that time. I didn't have a grandchild to consider in the mix. Perhaps there are some community resources to offer you advice and support?

I would call your county assistance office and talk to someone there about your situation and what resources are available to your daughter if she were on her own versus with you. I'll bet she would be eligible for food stamps, WIC, housing, educational grants, maybe a scholarship, maybe even daycare discounts.

Another option is family counseling. Maybe your insurance covers it, and if you can get her in there to talk to a neutral third party, it would help her see where she's going wrong.

That being said, 20 is actually quite young. Are you sure you cannot hang in there for another 18 months until your gd is in school? It may alleviate a number of problems and resentment you may have about watching your gd.

Also, I would be very, very careful about what all you may be doing to enable this behavior. Are you doing her laundry? Your gd laundry?

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"Dance like no one is watching."

Thank you all for suggestions......

The catch with the county assistance is that as long as she is living at home, they include my income, which is over the guidelines even when I was on unemployment! If she moves out she will certainly be approved for some assistance but she cant afford to move out! If I were in a better financial position, I would give her the deposit and first months rent (but NOT co-sign a lease) just to get her out the door! I just went back to work in Feb and am still digging out of some debt.

I admit, I waffle a bit on helping her. I do not do her laundry, that is an issue---right now there are 5 baskets of laundry in her room that never get put away. I do cook/grocery shop/etc. I will watch g-baby if she is working and I am home--she does get daycare assistance so g-baby goes to daycare about 25 hours a week. My frustration is that she will not listen or plan with me. I try to sit down with her and make goals/plans but she gets upset and defensive. She will not follow thru, but then looks to me when she gets in financial trouble or a jam. She wants my help but wont take my advice or allow me to guide or her. I have a feeling she is back to her partying ways......she was in drug/alcohol/boys trouble when she was 15/16 but has been doing better until this past 6-8 months.

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"It's not about how much baggage you have, it's about whether or not you can carry your own baggage with grace and dignity."

If you kick her out and she does go into a homeless shelter, she will then go to the top of the list as far as "housing" is concerned. Once you are "homeless" then it is considered an emergency situation and you get bumped to the top of the housing list. She needs to get on the list, if she is not already. I know people who have done this and within 2 weeks have been in section 8 housing. Since she probably does not make that much and has a child, she will be eligible for WIC, food stamps, energy assistance (which is usually a couple of times a year), you said she already has daycare, does she have medical for her child? She can use your local food bank because her income will probably be low enough. All kinds of things open up for her with a low income being single mom on her own, although it won't be easy for her, she can make it.

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I think one of your other concerns should be the well being of your grand daughter. Getting your daughter out without being in a safe place also puts your grand daughter in a compromising living arrangement, and that is not good.

How much land do you have? Is it feasible for her to get a loan and put a trailer on your property? Just wondering. How about another young single mother that she can move in with and share babysitting while each work a different shift? Safety in numbers...

How about making two lists of her benefits living with you and benefits living alone and being able to make use of all the programs? Show her the list. How about tax bracket differences and tax breaks in the two living arrangements? Research and show her.

I think it's great to have boundaries for our kids, but when those boundaries are crossed and there are no repercussions, those boundaries are worthless. They will keep being crossed.

I left home at 18 to live with a female friend across the state. When I couldn't find work, I came back home and stayed there until I married at 26. The condition? I had to either work or go to school. I chose to work. Had to pay at that time $100 a month (back in the early 80's, mind you). I had to do my own laundry or pay my mother to do it. Any money she found in my pockets she was able to claim as her own (responsibility check). I paid for my own gas and my own toiletries. Any special junk foods I wanted, I had to pay for myself. I had to keep my area clean, and I was expected to help out around the house. I had to come home at a decent and respectable hour. Perhaps my parents were too lenient. In retrospect, I wish I'd moved out on my own to form a sense of independence and self reliance - in a much more realistic way.

Your daughter is still young. The complication of a young child to be concerned about is very real. My advice would be to form an alliance with your husband if you are married. Meet together just the two of you first and make some rules and realistic consequences to those rules when they are broken - rules that you are willing to adhere to and enforce.

Then sit down with your daughter together and tell her how it will be. This is your house. You've raised her and helped her and given her a chance to make something of herself. She will not be the first young adult to venture down a vocational path and realize it wasn't the right one. Some parents do acquiesce and allow a second chance there. Up to you.

The partying would alarm me. It would be crossing a boundary in our house - a gesture of disrespect, a slap in the face. That needs to be addressed and nipped in the proverbial bud asap. You could threaten with applying for legal guardianship of her child. Could cause severe relationship problems though. Up to you.

I think as her parent your job could be to help her wade through all the programs and paperwork to help her get a leg up and be independent. She may be depressed about her situation and in need of exposure to good single mother mentors. Maybe talk to her about depression and self esteem and see if she may be in need of a temporary Rx to get her over the hump. Another would be physical exercise. Brisk walks with you daily where you can talk woman to woman and discuss the future. Don't buy her junk food. It screws with your insulin and makes you groggy and depressed too.

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"Dance like no one is watching."

Can you tell me where her man is? And why aren't they living together in a nice house in the country with a white-picked fence?

I believe she was between 16 and 17 at the time she became pregnant. He's an involved parent, but they are not a couple.

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"Dance like no one is watching."

Is this comment for real or are you being satirical or sarcastic?

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I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!

My parents made me move out on my own when I was 19 and it was the best thing they could have done. I had too much flexibility, too much money, and no responsibility when I lived at home. I was not headed down the right path. However, I didn't have a child, which adds another layer for you. I'm not sure what advice to offer, but I'll tell you I grew up quickly when there wasn't anyone there to take care of me. It's amazing how much you learn - if you don't wash your clothes, you won't have any clean ones... you can feed yourself (and a little one) on a couple of dollars, but it takes planning and thought.... apartments and houses don't automatically come with slower curtains, paper towels, skillets, spatulas, etc. You have to provide that for yourself, which takes money and work. Yikes! Big learning opportunity. I hope it all works out for you and your family.

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Kim

In my experience with friends who are going through similar situations, the only thing that has helped them is to fight for and win custody of the grandchild. That way, their child cannot hold "the welfare" of the GD over their heads. Ultimately, if that is not an option, you give her an ultimatum and kick her out if she doesn't follow through. I know if I had done half the stuff you are talking about, my mom would have put my stuff out on the lawn with a note wishing me luck. It's hard to be tough but with a lot of "entitled" children....it's the only way

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Proud to say I haven't shopped at a Wal-Mart since Sept 2003

It sounds like that she is really comfortable in the house. If I were her parent I would have to put her stuff out on the curb! All this paper work and legal stuff doesn't seem to be going at a fast enough pace. The other posters are right, the granddaughter is the reason you probably havent put her out yet. Not sure if this will work, but you could offer to keep the baby for a couple of months while she sets up a place to live and enrolls in school. I hope you find a solution!