Before I post what I am about to, I would like to let you know that it is going to be very vague, as I don't want to post TMI on here, as the two people are close to me, and may read this.
Ok with that being said, here we go...... If a former relative from a divorce passes away, would you attend the viewing/funeral, send flowers, a card or just leave a message on the person's online obituay guestbook? The former couple does not get along, one talks horrible about the other to their children and pretty much did everything in their power to alienate the children from their other parent.

The person who passed away had nothing to do with the divorce (an in-law) and was a great person. The person who passed was also like a safety net for the alianated parent, as that person knew that the person who passed would always watch out for the children and took great care of them.


I'm kinda on the fence when it comes to what to do, because in my experience, when my grandma passed away, my ex-husband (and we do not get along with the exception of our children) came here for the funeral, and although the gesture was nice, i felt uncomfortable with him being there but didn't say anything because he was there out of respect for my grandmother, and it wasn't a day about me KWIM so what do you feel is the most appropriate thing to do?

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~~~~**Maryann**~~~~

I just got a firm grip on reality....
Now I can strangle it

I think it is appropriate to attend the funeral. I know when my grandparents died, they had been divorced for about 20 years, but people from both sides of the family attended. I think it is really up to you. If you want to pay your respects that is very nice, but if you are going to feel uncomfortable the entire time, it is not worth it. I think in that case you could just a card and flowers and let the family know they were thought of.

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I think that I would stop by the funeral home, pay my respects and give to a memorial in the person's name.

This is a very easy one for me.

If I cared about the deceased and wanted to pay my respects, I would do so. I wouldn't give a thought to what other people would think.

Agreed! That's what I would do. A funeral/memorial is not the place for grudges or arguments.

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The political system is broke and it's a joke.

exactly!!!

I've had a few incidents in my past, viewings that I should have attended and didn't. One was a friend's fiance who had been killed in an accident. The friend and I had lost touch for quite a while, so I didn't go.

I sent her a card offering to take her to lunch if she ever wanted to talk, but it wasn't well received. She called me later and basically told me I was out of line for not attending. She later reciprocated for my wedding reception that two people would be coming, and she and her guest never showed.

Some people do get angry about these things; others understand. Safest thing is to just go.

My husband put it differently than I've seen expressed here:

You go for the person who is left behind. That's the person you want to support and give a hug to. On the other hand, I feel if you were close to that person and need to say goodbye in a formal way, then that's the way to do it, to attend the function for that person. You could also go to the cemetery or donate a monetary gift to an organization that would have made a difference to the deceased. Donations in my husband's grandmother's name, for instance, were to a local soup kitchen because she loved to cook.

Then you have one of her sons who was estranged from her for many years and simply did not show up at all for the viewing or funeral. He sent a bouquet, and it was beautiful but by not showing up, he upset a few people.

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"Dance like no one is watching."

I sort of disagree with the most recent posts.

I *would* care about what others thought.

If things were so bad between myself and the others that my presence would make things uncomfortable for those nearest and dearest to the deceased, I wouldn't impose my presence on them. The dead person doesn't know whether you are there or not. In a situation like that, I'd find a way to pay my respects that allowed those close to them the opportunity to say their final goodbyes without the distraction of 'me'... like going by the funeral home, making a donation in their name, etc.

We have a relative we've been on the outs with for years, and she showed up at my dad's funeral (she and my dad had not been on good terms, either) because she was 'family'. Having her there made an already painful day even more difficult. It seemed that at every turn I was bumping into her, and my brain just needed to not have her there. I was trying to make it about my dad.... and her presence just overshadowed things in a way that was not helpful to those of us that loved him.

I agree with what you said, and I tried to explain that to the person who asked me, and told them that their presence, while may be heartfelt and seem like a nice gesture, will probably make the family a bit uncomfortable.

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~~~~**Maryann**~~~~

I just got a firm grip on reality....
Now I can strangle it

If I felt close to the person who died, I would attend the funeral (if possible) unless I KNEW my presence there would offend the spouse/kids of the person who died (I can't imagine this situation but I know they happen). If I do not want to attend, I would certainly send a living plant (I don't like to send flowers since they die...a reminder of the death all over to the loved ones) and a card to the family (as well as sign the online obit if you have access).

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If they really *want* to be there, it would seem like they could get there just as it was time for things to start and sit on the back row, and then leave as soon as it is over, kwim? If it is TRULY just about being able to be there for the funeral and not about showing his/her face to the grieving family members as a way to needle them or to try to have one last 'tie'... just sneak in and sneak out, unnoticed.

I'm with you, except with the plant thing. :-)

I know when my dad died, mom got one plant from someone that really was more trouble to dad in his life than anything, and now mom is stuck caring for the plant forever! lol

Obviously, she could just toss it... but dead flowers would have been much easier for her to decide to pitch, kwim?

I remember when my uncle died. His father had had an affair when my uncle was a child, and nobody had a clue about it. The affair resulted in a child, so my uncle (by marriage) had a half-brother roughly his same age who lived in a city a couple of hours away. The half-brother knew about my uncle, but my uncle did not know about the half-brother.

The half-brother turned up at the funeral and explained who he was to my uncle's kids.

What a fine time to learn that your grandad cheated on your grandmother.

I agree with you.

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Kim

I totally agree!

Funerals aren't for the dead, they are for who is left behind...and if you are divorced from someone, you should stay away unless you are asked to attend. If it is about paying respect, you don't need to do it with an audience. Find another way.

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I'm the kind of woman when my feet hit the floor in each morning, the devil says "Oh crap, she's up."

Just had to say, funerals and death really bring out some people's true colors, don't they? It's very sad.

While I agree the funeral is for those left behind, and a person should have enough common sense and decency to know if they will be received well, those left behind should have enough decency to know when it's not about just them.

Not directing this at you "wow", just making a general statement in regards to a recent funeral I attended.

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Doing the right thing isn't always the same as doing the easy thing.

I do understand and didn't at all take what you said as being directed at me.

I just know that... well... in the case of my uncle's unknown half-brother, for instance... my cousins had just lost their father. I don't think that personal tragedy needed interrupted that day by a stranger who felt he had a 'right' to be there, kwim?

Sometimes... it really does need to be 'just about them'. A crazy example might be if John Edwards died tomorrow, it would be the height of tastelessness for his mistress to show up at his funeral with their baby and cause his wife and children any additional grief. If the child who is the product of the affair was old enough to know him and have a personal need to be present that would be one thing... but for the mistress and the love child to appear and bring any more tumult to the emotions of the others would be highly inappropriate and selfish.

Okay, I've been through this (sort of). My mom died 2 1/2 years ago. My ex husband did not attend her funeral, did not send a card, did not send flowers. I was surprised he did not attend the funeral, because although we can't stand each other, he adored my mother. My eldest daughter, who is close to her dad, was deeply hurt he didn't attend the funeral, and my youngest daughter resents him for it...to the point she really hasn't had much to do with him since.

A year an a half ago, my ex-husband's grandfather died. I probably would have attended the funeral, had I not just (and I mean JUST) had surgery that kept me from going anywhere for awhile.

I agree with the poster above who says "if you care about the person who died, attend the funeral". Best of luck to you.

Mariah

As you can see from reading these posts, you are damned if you do and damned if you don't. I would follow the advice of wowistdark. Come late to the regular service, leave early, sit in the back, sign the guestbook so they know you were there. The visitations and the graveside service often require some social interaction, but the regular service does not if you slip in and out.

I understand completely. When my Mom died, my one sister and one brother, single handedly decided that our one niece could not attend, no ifs ands or buts. The day before the service was nothing but a bunch of phone calls about how said niece "was not going to make a spectacle of MY mother's funeral" quote, unquote from my one sister. Gee, forget the fact there are numerous other siblings, and we have a say also. Oh, no wait, I forgot, this was just HER Mother Sorry, a little off tangent here, and still VERY emotional and just plain disgusted

Anywho.....OP, I am getting the feeling it is actually YOU who you are referring to in the scenario posted. I would look deeply inside yourself and ask yourself why you want to attend?? You can always send a card to show the family your respect and support. JMTCW. Good luck with whatever the outcome.

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Doing the right thing isn't always the same as doing the easy thing.

It wasn't me, but a close friend. To update everyone, my friend did attend in his own way. He contacted the funeral home and was able to go in for just a few min to say his farewell to the deceased before the family arrived. When it came time for the burial, he said he went and parked where his ex-wife couldn't see the car, and stood a distance away.

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~~~~**Maryann**~~~~

I just got a firm grip on reality....
Now I can strangle it

Sounds like it worked out well.

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Doing the right thing isn't always the same as doing the easy thing.

I would suggest to go after all you did say the person was a great person so pay that respect he/she deserves

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