Recently learned that my husband's side of the family including his father, two sisters, and two bils are all going on a cruise next month. It was very casually mentioned in an email a few days ago about this family cruise. I replied that our immediate family (husband myself and three kids) knew nothing of these plans, which have been in the works since February.
In a nutshell, fil and sil basically said that they didn't think we would be able to go so didn't think to mention it to us. Actually, sil said that it didn't even cross her mind to invite us. She tried to cast doubt on her sister claiming that it was initially her and her husband's trip, and she should have been the one to invite since the trip was her idea.
We feel very left out and it it is hurtful to think that nobody even thought to at least invite us, even if they thought we might decline the invitation. In the end, we probably would have declined, but it would have been nice to have at least been invited.
How would you feel?

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I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!

My feelings would probably be hurt, but it would also depend on why no one thought to invite us. So, why did they all think you guys wouldn't go?

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Kim

Probably would have declined due to time frame, as our kids start school around 5 days after the cruise is set to take off. I really don't know if this is a 5, 7 or 10 day cruise, so that would have been a factor as well. Also, money would have been a factor as well. BUT, if we were told about it back in February, we probably could have had some time to budget and manage that.

We do live in another state, but so does the other sister, so I don't think that comes into the picture. Not sure if they purposely avoided the invitation or it was just an oversight.

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I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!

I might be hurt, but really---life is just too damned short to have hurt feelings. I am learning that as I go along. I just don't know that I could muster the energy to hold a grudge or be too upset with family over this.

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Mental that one, I'm telling you. ---Ron Weasley, "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets"

my feelings always get hurt, so I would have to say I would be in this situation as well. Families don't always think of everyone and this may be the case but just keep on going...life is too short.

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-Kristi

Personally, I would thank my lucky stars because if invited, I would have felt the need to say "yes" when I didn't want too (because it's family).

In your situation, would you really want to be invited and spend time with people who didn't want to invite you in the first place? Like is too short to be angry or hurt. Plan something for you guys and gush all about it when the other family gets back.

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Proud to say I haven't shopped at a Wal-Mart since Sept 2003

I would have definitely been hurt too. In fact, I've been in exactly your position. Multiple times. One time my entire family went on a houseboat vacation and noone ever bothered to see if maybe we might want to join them. I got it because one of my sister's planned it with my parents, then the other invited herself and her husband. BUT, still it was never even considered that we might want to go. Same thing, we probably wouldn't have gone, but that is not always the point.

You just gotta let it go, it's not worth the stress......

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Melissa

I agree 100 percent in the scheme of life let it go its not worth the stress, feel better.. Peace. Catherine

I agree with you 100% Crittles. It is very hurtful and it's hard to forget it. I understand what people are saying about getting past it and moving on cuz life is too short, etc. BUT if people would just be consider other peoples feeling for a second it would make a huge difference! If they didn't think you had the money to go, then they probably knew you would decline. My question is...then why RISK hurting anyone's feelings??? It takes 5 seconds to offer. Then there are no hard feelings. I've been in your spot a few times, once very recent with my inlaws and it hurts! I don't hate them nor do I treat them differently but boy do I feel differently in my heart and probably always will.

Hum...must be nice to be able to let things roll off your back like water off a ducks back! HA! I'd be very hurt and I wouldn't dismiss it very easily! How could you not be hurt by being totally left out of a family cruise?

Exactly. Some hurt feelings last forever because you do NOT have control over how you "feel"

I had it ha[[en every year until one sisters health go so bad that the other one didn't want to bother with helping her get around when they were out. I am glad that most of you can let it go and get past it, sadly that was just one straw on the camels back. I ONLY associate with the older sister on holidays and that is for my mothers sake. I don't bring up the poor treatment, I try not to even have to speak to her, I know she isn't going to change and there are a few occassions that I am around her for mother, otherwise, I basically have one sister.

Same here.

Unfortunately, just because someone is "family" doesn't mean they hold the same value of family as you (general you) do. Case in point for me: My Mom recently passed away and one "family member" claims that Mom gave her ALL her jewelry before she passed away. And this "family member" had no problem TAKING IT ALL. Needless to say, I have no desire to ever speak to this person again. Someone that would treat me and the rest of my family with such total disregard.....well, life is too short, as has been mentioned in this thread a few times.

In the case of the cruise, I do believe I would have to distance myself from the "family". Don't want me there, no problem, you go it!!!

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Doing the right thing isn't always the same as doing the easy thing.

I don't believe the issue is feeling hurt. You feel the way you feel. As an observer, the issue is why did they not think to invite you and did they know not inviting you would become a family issue.

The last vacation I spent with a certain SIL, the final words I spoke to her were "I have ten days off a year and you just F*$ked up half of them." Sadly, those were some of the last days I had with our youngest son and the bi@tch really messed it up. Drama at every turn. I wanted to leave after 2 days. I can guarantee you I will never form any sort of vacation around that person again. A few days somewhere, perhaps. But never an entire vacation that we can't escape from.

I don't know you. You might be the life of the party and someone is jealous you would steal their thunder. But, I do suggest you examine why his family didn't think inviting you would enhance their vacation time. If it is so important to you that not being included hurts, you might need to change your behavior to fit to their style.

Personally, I wouldn't want to be tied to someone with a bunch of kids on a cruise. We also have no issues spending money on vacations, so I wouldn't want to be tied to anyone who would be stressed spending money. I also can't imagine being on a cruise with people I don't like - family or not.

I don't think they forgot about you. They didn't want you for whatever reason. I don't say this to hurt your feelings because I am sure you are a wonderful family. But, not all vacations are meant for everyone.

The fact that you would call them out on this vacation, rather than saying have a great time and figuring out how to send them a bottle of wine, knowing you wouldn't have gone because of the kids, says a lot. Adding that you then bring this issue to a message board says even more dynamics exist. Perhaps you can suggest a vacation you and your family would enjoy and invite them all would mend whatever issues are going on.

How does your husband feel about it since it is his family? I guess I would have been concerned if it was MY own family, but in-laws.....not so much. His sisters may be close to each other and don't feel as close to their brother or to you so it wasn't important to them that they invited your part of the family. Are they bringing children on the cruise since you mentioned none for them and three for you??

Frankly if I was going to spend money on a vacation, it would be with my immediate family.

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Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent.

E. Roosevelt

That's what I was wondering. I'm really close to my sister and her family - they have 2 kids and we all get along great. I have 2 kids as well. We have spent several vacations with them and time at each others houses (we live in different states).

My brother, however, and his wife have no kids and have very different personalities than us. They are totally into themselves and very condescending. They have no kids but think they know everything about child rearing and have no problem letting us know what they think...unsolicited. I would never spend a vacation with them or any time at their house (we also live in different states). I have never invited them on a vacation with us and, until now, never even considered that it could have hurt their feelings.

This is an interesting topic and has made me think. I will pay attention in the future to see any possible response from them. If they ever said anything, I'm not sure what I'd think. I am not interested in spending any time with them (aside from holidays at my parents house) but if they mentioned that they were interested, I'd have to consider it....and maybe plan something very short with them to see how it went. Boy, I dont' know...the thought of any time with them makes me feel like ugh....

Personally if I were you...it would bug me and I'd innocently ask or make a comment to break the ice - something like, "sounds like fun, maybe we could go next time" or "sounds fun, we should all do something together sometime" or something like that and see what the response is. It could be an innocent mistake or it could be more like a personality conflict that you may not be aware of, but at least you'd know.

Tough situation. I hope it all works out.

Lisa

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"It's not having what you want,
It's wanting what you've got"

It was rude of them to not invite you. I also believe there might be more in the family dynamics than was mentioned here (whether you are consciously aware of this or not).
Personally my feelings would be hurt however I would be relieved not to have been invited. For one thing I would feel off the hook to explain why I couldn't or wouldn't go but it would still bug me. And now you don't have to feel obligated to include them in things simply because they're family.

I don't have a lot in common in with my in-laws and find it somewhat annoying to be around them. But the fact that they would invite everyone except my husband and I would just prove to me that they don't like me the way they pretend to.

It's kind of a double edged sword. On the one hand it's rude and mean on the other hand now there is no doubt how they actually feel about you.

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The political system is broke and it's a joke.

Yep...all this! HA!

Oh, ugh to this whole situation!

My family and I have completely different value systems, politically, morally and financially. I think this wouldn't be a big problem, but I have one sibling who's just extremely outspoken and, dare I say it, judgmental. Okay, I said it

So when we've gotten together, she just rags and rags on me and my family in any way she can. I literally try not to open my mouth, because I know that almost anything I might say will be attacked on some basis. And I never reciprocate -- we are on a family email loop, to which she is always forwarding things that support her political/religious views, etc -- I just delete them, I never send anything to this family email address at all, for fear that I will somehow be attacked. I just try to avoid it and ignore any personal attacks, for the sake of my elderly parents. If there is no conflict, they have the illusion that they have a big happy family. If I said anything in response, there would be a huge blow up, and I don't really care if I have a relationship with this relative or not -- she's a user, so it's actually a relief not to be in contact.

I've already resigned myself to the fact that when my parents pass away, she will go and clean out their home of all valuables, and I don't care one bit. I live my life and keep my sanity, she can live her life in any way she wants.

This means that when they all get together, we usually don't go. I just got tired of coming back from vacation needing a vacation. I wouldn't worry about not being invited to anything. Go where your family wants to go and have fun with them!

I have to say that I have been on a couple "family" type vacations and they were the WORST vacations EVER! HA! I'd still be hurt if a secret family vacation was going on behind my back though.

this pretty much sums up my in-laws, too. The girls in the family all do their own thing, and basically leave DH out of the loop, even an annual vacation "just for the girls". It bothered DH so he mentioned it. He was told it was for the "girls only"....no spouses or kids. Well, the next year, yup, you guessed it.....spouses, kids, aunts, uncles........ Yes, there is "dynamics" and DH knows that, but, his sisters insist "everything is fine" between them and DH. That is what gets me. Don't lie about it. We have (I did a LONG time ago) finally accepted the fact that they are FOS, and don't even expect to be included in anything from any of them. Personally, I have no contact with them. I don't reply to e-mails or send cards anymore. I figure DH can do this, it's his family. They have made it clear to me how they feel about me.

The thing that I don't like is them not being honest with me. It's OK if you don't like someone. Don't lie about it, and give false ideas to someone. I'm the kind of person that, if we're friends it's 100%, I don't hold back. Too many times with the in-laws I've been lead to believe that we were "friends" and I've been disappointed. So, no more.

to the OP, don't let eat at you. Move on, and learn from this. Better yet, plan your own vacation, just your own family!!! And be sure to send them a postcard from your destination.

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Doing the right thing isn't always the same as doing the easy thing.