We've had an extremely busy summer with school, work, band camp, and with my youngest, play practice. We always take a small trip to The Dells every summer and this year, we only have a handful days in August right before school starts. Everything was looking good until my 16 yr old daughter informs us that she really wanted to go to a certain event with her friends one night during our vacation dates, and she basically said that she doesn't want to go with us because of the conflicting days with our trip and her plans. I have no intentions of leaving her alone in charge of the house, and I really don't want to cancel our trip since the younger two were looking forward to it so much. What to do.
Has anyone been in a similar situation?

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I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!

In a similar situation I would have her spend the night at a friend's house where I know for sure there would be responsible parents. At 16 this is normal to not want to go with the family. I would also alert the neighbors that she and her friends are not allowed at the house and to keep an eye out and call me if that rule is broken. I would let her know that if she does something I don't approve of then next time there is no discussion she comes with the family.
I guess you are the really only one who knows if she is responsible and trustworthy and that is what it comes down to. Can you trust her? Does she and/or her friends get drunk or get high? Does she doe what she is supposed to? If yes than you can trust her if no then you can force her to go with the family but be prepared to expect her to make it not so pleasant.

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The political system is broke and it's a joke.

Definitely don't cancel the trip. ITA with what anna said...and if you have responsible adult family members (your parents, your sister/brother, inlaws, aunt/uncles?) nearby, maybe she could stay at their house for a few days during your trip.

I haven't been in a similar situation as a parent but do remember at 16ish, wanting to make all of my own decisions. There is no way my parents would have let me dictate what I was going to do when a family vacation was already planned.

I think that's part of the key here. You said this is an every year trip and it was planned. She knew this and is trying to go around you. I would most likely not allow her to stay - even if it was with a friend, etc. Plans are plans and she should plan better herself.

dl

My daughter did know about the trip, just not what week it would be. We have been trying to squeeze in a few days this summer, and it's been a challenge since everyone is so busy.
My daughter is a good girl and I do trust her 100%, but I still would not leave her alone in charge of the house for three or four days. The reason she is so adament about staying here is because one of her very good friends is going away to college soon, and she wanted to go to this event with her in particular and a few other friends ( event is band related, and they are all in band).

I wish we had family close-by, but they all live out of state. The only alternative I can think of is to have her stay at a friend's house, but I am not sure I really want to do that either.

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I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!

This is tricky. I get that she has plans that are important to her, but here is my perspective.

I know her friends are important, but family is more so. This may be one of the last years you get those memories with her. While she may not understand this now, you do. It won't kill her to miss out on yet one more event before some life changes happen. There will be plenty of those in the coming years for her.

Secondly, I know you said she is a good kid, and I am sure she is, however.....I would be suspicious. lol I had good kids too, but I would still wonder why she is insisting she wants to stay home. Keep your ears open. It could be just what she said....she wants to be with her friends, but you never know!

Bottom line......I would probably just make her go. You would only worry the days you are gone anyway. It's really not fair to the rest of the family imo.

Let us know what happens!

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Melissa

Havent had that problem but think I'd go with a no. It's a family trip and that involves the family not part of. She's not going to be home too much longer before she goes off to college or whatever and spends alot of time with friends and you wont see her as much. make the memories now. she mambe upset about it but later she'll get over it and maybe something exciting will happen on the trip that shed have been upset on if she had missed out

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I absolutely would NOT let her stay home while you are on a family trip. IMO, that is saying to her that it is OK to disregard family just you don't "want" to go on a trip with them. While I agree this may be a normal feeling at 16, I would not let her do her own thing.

I try very hard to instill in my children the importance of family, and how you have to stick together, even during things that maybe not all of us want to do.

Here's a good example: We are going to Disney AGAIN this year. I told DH last year that I did not want to go there again this year. My 17yo expressed the same. However, DH has planned a trip to Disney for us, again. While I expressed my opinion AGAIN, we are ALL still going. And we WILL have a good time, it is just that my 17yo and I felt like there is a whole world out there, let's go somewhere new.

So, in summation, I would tell your DD, while you are sorry the trip overlaps with the event she wants to attend with her friend, family comes first, and she will have to go on your family vacation with you. Ya know, it's kind of like having Thanksgiving Dinner or XMAS Dinner at your friend's house instead of your own house. There are some things you just don't do when family is concerned.

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Doing the right thing isn't always the same as doing the easy thing.

I am with those who say you should tell her she needs to come with you on your family trip. That is the priority, especially as she is only 16. This summer my DD is 18. We have gone to Cape Cod every summer since before she was born. This year with her age and work schedule I asked her if she would still like to go with us this year, and she did. I was pleasantly suprised. So we picked a week that works for all of us.

Thanks for all the replies. It gives me good insight, and the more I think about it, I think she is being extremely self-centered about this. I will not let her stay here alone, as she is too young and I would just worry about her the whole time we're gone. I think that all of us will go, or none of us will go. If it ends up that none of us go on this trip, she will pay for it in the end.

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I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!

"Pay" ??? You didn't plan until the last minute and she will "pay?" I wouldn't make last minute plans and expect happiness from a 16 year old if our last minute plans conflicted with their plans. And, I'm sorry, but the thought of going to the Dell's makes me ill.

I have had three kids that age. A 16 year old is not a child. I left for college at 17 and married at 20. I didn't consider my kids "children" at 15, much less 16. I wouldn't allow a 16-21 year old alone in my home for liability reasons. But, if there was another place for them to stay and be safe, I would have no problem with leaving them behind.

I have been interested in reading the replies to this question. The 'I'm A Better Mother" contingent has been strongly represented.

I have another viewpoint. While our family is "solid' as it relates to how we support each other to the end, we certainly don't feel compelled to spend every bit of free time together. I can't imagine forcing a child or anyone for that matter to spend time with me. I would continue on and send pictures of all the fun we had in hopes they choose to spend the next vacation with us. We have very fun Easters. Our eggs were once filled with jelly beans and they stopped visiting. Now, they are now filled with money and gift certificates and our table is full again. Our vacations, that were once pretty boring (the Dell's ?), are now in Vail and river rafting. They are free to join us or not. Amazingly, they love to join in now.

Perhaps, if you have a good foundation, she will want to join in on the fun again. Forcing her presence hardly seems a likely method to forge life-long bonds.

Good luck with whatever you choose.

[quote=nightowlrn; Now, they are now filled with money and gift certificates and our table is full again. .[/QUOTE]


Continuing with the "pick one line out of an entire post" idea, I don't see why children need to be bribed to participate in a family function. But obviously some do have to bribe.

op's child is 16, and op is the parent. That's my one line.

dl

I'm sure you will make the right decision for your family and your values. Getting others opinions is always a good idea. Sometimes you are so in the thick of something, you can't really think.

When you said "she will pay" what did you mean? She will regret that none of you went, since she did not want to go? Can you please clarify?

What/Where is/are the Dell's?

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Doing the right thing isn't always the same as doing the easy thing.

I, myself, wouldn't force my 16 yr old to go with us if I had a safe place for them to stay while I was gone.

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Can you clarify? If we would have chosen a more expensive, cooler destination, she probably would want to come? So, if we shell out the money, she will be sure to always want to come?
Hmmm.
We actually do like The Dells ( for those that don't know, Wisconsin Dells, waterpark capital.....huge, fantastic waterparks and beautiful scenery, and less than 4 hours away for us) and the kids always have a great time. It's not that she is dreading going, but it conflicts with her plans.

Poor choice of words on my part. What I meant was that everyone in the family will be extremely disappointed if we don't go, and will probably let her know how disappointed they are (especially younger two boys) for a while.

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I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!

When you could only afford to give them jelly beans at Easter, your children stopped visiting but now that you can afford to bribe them with money and gift certificate your table is full again? When you could only afford to give them boring vacations, your children didn't want to spend time with you but now that you can afford to bribe them with Vail and river rafting. amazingly, they love to join in now?

It's not amazing, it's pathetic and it's a very shaky family foundation that will crack if your payoffs dry up. Your method of forging life-long bonds is just sad so it's not a good idea to be quite so condescending about the OP's vacation choice. The very thought of going there makes you ill? How pretentious! The Dells may not be cosmopolitan enough for someone as chic and wealthy as you constantly claim to be but it's a lovely area and at least she doesn't have to pay her children to tolerate her presence.

If you force her to go, you will not be happy.
If you cancel the trip, no one will be happy.

If you have the ability to leave her w/ a friend so that she can attend this function with her very good friend, that's what I would do. While I realize that it may appear you are "giving in" to a demanding child---I look at it this way: This event is very important to her, and she will remember that you understood what was important to her. Kind of a give respect to get respect kind of thing.

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Mental that one, I'm telling you. ---Ron Weasley, "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets"

It seems like this is turning into a family feud - a battle of wills. Hardly the thing fond memories are made of!

If it were me, I'd have her stay with a friend. You say that would ruin it for you because you'd worry. Would you really, or are you just disappointed that she doesn't want to join you? If you were staying at home and she went to spend a few days with a friend, would you worry about her? She's going to be out of the house in a couple years. If you build a lot of resentment for family time now, I suspect you won't see much of her after she's 18.

I don't often agree with marilynk, but this time I do.

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If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition, and then admit that we just don't want to do it.

- Stephen Colbert.

EXACTLY!

Pick your battles...

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Mental that one, I'm telling you. ---Ron Weasley, "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets"

Thanks, Marilyn, for posting "my" response!

I absolutely agree. As long as you have a safe place for her to stay, I would not force her to go. If she's a good kid, choose your battles carefully. This is definitely not a hill I would die on.

Compromise(something we always want our children to do)!
You are only 4 hours away from home, maybe she can spend part of the time with you and the rest with a friend either before or after the event she would like to go to. Maybe this friend of hers can meet you part way to pick up or drop off your daughter. This way you can have a family trip and she can go to her event also.
Judy

I can't imagine asking the parents of my daughter's friend to drive 4 hours (2 hours each way) to pick up my daughter. I think that's asking too much.

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If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition, and then admit that we just don't want to do it.

- Stephen Colbert.

I might be missing something but I don't understand how forcing her to go will make her appreciate her family. I would think she would feel resentful. If she is a good girl I don't see what the big deal would be to let her stay with a friend as long as there is responsible adult supervision.

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The political system is broke and it's a joke.

No. I would say more age appropriate destinations. I don't think you have to spend more money. I have boys and they were done with "fantastic water parks" by the time they were 12 or 13. Plus, if you go there every summer, it is hardly something to entice a 16 year old who has seen it many times before. So, my point was that I understand where your daughter is coming from and I have watched three of my own kids make the jump from having to go on family outings to wanting to go on family outings. And, I shared with you what worked for us to make that transition to adulthood.

Perhaps camping, or tubing, or renting a boat for a day and water skiing. Or, doing a family ski week this winter instead of a family water park week. Personally, I don't like those things, but my kids did -- so we did them. Those things are probably too late at this point for you, but perhaps next summer ...

While I lOVE Disney, my guys were done with it way before I was. So, we starting doing other things that they found they enjoyed more. We also started including them in planning trips and family time. Our skiing vacation was actually less costly than a week at Disney since we didn't have to fly. As for Easter -- I said nothing about being able to afford only jelly beans. The point was they didn't care about jelly beans as they grew older. I doubt we spent more on eggs with 20 something treats in them than we did on their baskets when they were 10. And, even if we did -- so what? They choose us over going to Florida or Texas for Spring Break, we all had fun, and they looked forward to it so much they brought friends the next year.

My point, which was obviously missed by some, is that as our kids grew up we found changing what we did to meet their interests made them more likely to want to join in even when they had to fly 1000's of miles. We have yet to experience a summer vacation, Thanksgiving or Christmas without the company of each of our sons. Up to now, they have wanted to be with us over their friends/girlfriends/whatever, every vacation time they have had. A few weeks ago we rented $50 canoes and camped and fished on a Missouri river for 3 days. That cost around $400 for the week perhaps if not less. (pooping in the woods [oh so cosmopolitan ] and hotdogs [no fish] on a camp fire is still pretty cheap). But, I did the planning and organizing and they wanted to join us because it was something that sounded fun to them and that we hadn't done before. So, if we are horrible parents then so be it. And, I am secure in the knowledge they don't wish they were somewhere else when they are spending time with each other and with us.

One of my best memories of our youngest son is him and his older brothers and a number of their friends running around the yard at 21, 23 and 24 years old with clip on bunny ears looking for the golden egg. To add to the story, my youngest convinced his 3 friends to join us for Easter games rather than go to Padre Island for Spring Break. He passed away the next year and we wouldn't have had that week together but for the egg hunt. So, if going the extra mile to assure everyone's needs are met in a way that allows us to spend happy times together is a horrible thing -- I am totally okay with that.

And, for the rest of the story. The egg hunt last year and this year was a neighborhood event. Eggs filled with candy and money were donated by many individuals and organizations. Any egg with money was put in a bucket and the funds went towards something we know our son would have wanted. All ages particpated in the event. Ears were provided for all, but those 13 and older HAD to wear them.

Now, many kids who wanted to play the piano but couldn't afford a piano or lessons have both.

I hadn't planned to share that. I am sorry that those who wish to attack me and my family wanted to ruin your question.

I hope it all works out for everyone involved.

To nightowlrn I love everything you wrote , on a personal note I still do the easter egg hunt with my children and someday will do it hopefully with my grandchildren.. Peace to you always. Catherine

Not that it matters, but my vote is to let her stay with a friend. You'll build a bridge to her instead of a wall. With cell phones there's no need to worry all the time you're gone. Best Wishes.