I am thankful that, for the the 5th year in a row now, I am a guest at my own holiday.

For years, I cooked and worried and worried and cooked until I was about to drop. Back about 6 or 7 years ago, a lady who was my mom's best friend - and by her own admission had a tumultuous relationship with her own daughters for many reasons- was at my house on Thanksgiving, and we were doing dishes. That year we filled our dining room table, our kitchen table and a card table with people I didn't see any other time of the year, who pretty much showed up, ate, left and took some food home. So we were doing dishes, and this lady said "what did your boys eat for Thanksgiving?" I said well, turkey, stuffing....and she said "no, tell me what you put on their plate?" And I couldn't answer. Because I was so busy doing for others, that my children sat at TV trays, and she filled their plate. I didn't even see them until everybody left.

That may sound minor to some, but for her to dispense this advice was major to me. She spent the holidays with me because she was never there for her daughters. She worried about silly things like impressing people who didn't figure into her everyday life, and she felt like she missed out on her children and the holidays were one thing she didn't handle like she wanted. So 5 years ago, we didn't invite anyone over for the Thanksgiving or Christmas holiday. It was a shock to some people, and it was a little of a shock to my system. After my mom passed away, I worried about the day when no one came for the holidays. But that didn't last but a second. I discovered I have really smart, funny sons. And when my attention was focused just on them, we had a great time.

Sadly, my mom's friend passed away two years ago. But I had a long conversation with her daughter after she died and told her how her mom missed the opportunity and had regrets, she was able to forgive her mom some.

Now we play Rock Band or the Wii and spend our holiday laughing, eating, and just being a family. I cook what is needed for our family, and I'm not tired or stressed out. My family loves DVD's and we have a huge selection. This year we are watching 1st season of Modern Family together, and they have a new edition of Rock Band we are going to play. I look forward to our holidays, and I know by participating in my own holiday it has made our family stronger.

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Catt
~ Mirror Mirror on the wall, I am my mother - after all! ~

Wow, Catt. This is great advice and very timely for me. We have a similar situation, yet it is a little different. We spend Thanksgiving and Christmas running all over the place to see the people we need to see. I would absolutely love to stay home and cook my own Thanksgiving and spend the time with my family, but I don't feel that I can because we have so many other obligations. This year, we are going to my MILs house at noon, my dad's at 3:00, then my sister's at 6:00 (to see my mom's side of the family). Instead of relaxing and enjoying the holiday together, we will be running from place to place and eating way too much so as not to offend. I will also have the pleasure of helping with dishes at 3 different houses, which is REALLY ANNOYING! We contribute at least 2-3 dishes to each place (desserts, homemade cranberry sauce, green bean casserole, etc), so I've already done all of that at my house, then to have to do it 3 times again on a holiday drives me insane. I'm sure that sounds petty, but we really try to keep the hostess from having to do too much clean-up in all of these homes, so there I am. I feel like I cook, clean up, pack up the car, drive, unload, eat, do dishes. Drive home, pack up the car, drive, unload, eat, do dishes. AGAIN..... finally get home around 10:00 and go to bed absolutely exhausted. Sorry to complain so much. I LOVE the holidays, but I'm getting to the point that I dread them, too.

It's frustrating and I don't really want my son's memories to be all about running around. I need to consider an alternative and will definitely put some thought in to it.

Happy Thanksgiving!

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Kim

WOW!

You've BOTH made a serious impression on me, and my approach to Tomorrow (THANKSGIVING), as well as the rest of the holidays...

(and everyONE) else in perspective...

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving, and thanks to you both! I already feel better as I head into tomorrow...

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"The errors of faith are better than the best thoughts of unbelief." - Thomas Russell

That was good advice. I read it just today (haven't been on here in a lonnnnnnnnnnng time) and love it. This year it was just us, we usually travel to visit family that I love to see, but, this year were not able to.

I want to add, too, that I also make it a point NOT to include "family" just for the sake of including them. There are some "family" members who are just too toxic to my family and they do not have a special place in our holidays. I guess what I am trying to say is to do what you enjoy on the holidays and don't things just out of obligation.

Thanks for posting this!!

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Doing the right thing isn't always the same as doing the easy thing.

I'm so glad it helped a little. It's hard to finally break away from going to the relatives houses, it was for me.

My mom did a wonderful thing after Jimmy was born. She just told me that from now on, she'd be coming to my house instead of us going to hers. She didn't want my children to get up Christmas morning, open the presents then take them away from their gifts so they could go visit. That was hard for her - she had been in charge of holidays for a long time. I imagine the first year her house was quiet was probably a shock to her. But she knew she had to make sure I had some of my own traditions, so that when she was no longer with me I would be okay. And I am.

But Thanksgiving was different. We were always going to a relatives house, cramped at a table too small, other tables located all over the house. And I was in charge of so much food the back of our van was so packed with dishes and crock pots we hardly had places to sit. One year Matt just said that was the last Thanksgiving he was spending with his sons at someone elses kids table. But then they came in on us. One year we just didn't invite anyone for dinner, we invited them for dessert and coffee by the fireplace, and we eased into it.

If you are having trouble, what you can do this year is say "next year I might need to ask you how you make your ham, because I've decided to stay home next year. Would you give me the recipe so I can make it?" I'm sure they will understand.

Holidays are a tough time of year for a lot of people, there is so much stress involved and there shouldn't be!

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Catt
~ Mirror Mirror on the wall, I am my mother - after all! ~