I have often thought of this many times, when someone whether young or old passes away suddenly, for instance they were not sick, or perhaps they were in a terrible accident. Then someone else responds by saying it was their time, or perhaps God needed them. How you feel personally feel about this, do you believe it is fate, that, it was that particular day for them to past unto heaven. Also in speaking to many people, I have also heard many say, God needed them more in heaven to do work, then on earth. What about infants who die so very young, why were they born, then to be taken away from their parents, children as well, was their turn also or fate. Also I think about people on the flip side who do not take care of themselves, either with drug or alcohol or some sort of substance abuse, did they cause their early death, were they suppossed to live a long life. There are so many questions and honestly I just am torn I do not know what to believe. I believe God creates life, does he take it away at his own choice. Any comments deeply appreciated, thanks so much. Catherine

Well, I'm not religious, so I have nothing to offer regarding your god questions. But, if someone I loved passed away, suddenly or not, and someone said, "it was their time," I'd be pretty ticked off. I'd be thinking, "How the hell do you know" and "I wish it was your time too."

I'm kidding (a little), but I would be unhappy. I would never say that to anyone. I think it's really inappropriate.

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If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition, and then admit that we just don't want to do it.

- Stephen Colbert.

I would be sad to lose the person and it would be worse if it were a tragic avoidable situation. If it were someone who was old and/or really suffering I could see whey they'd say that but it still is insensitive. My Mom always says it's almost her time to go and it shakes me to the core of my being. I don't want to be an orphan no matter how old I am.

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The political system is broke and it's a joke.

It sounds like something you might say to a young child that asked why a family member died, but not something to a grieving adult as words of comfort.Thats not a very comforting thing to say.

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A few people told me that when my brother was killed. I did not find it comforting at all. He was only 27 and had a baby, and none of us had a chance to say goodbye. Now when my grandma passed away, it was kind of comforting only because we had found out she had lung cancer a few weeks before she passed away, and after watching my grandpa pass away from lung cancer, I did not want to watch my grandma suffer the way that he did.

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~~~~**Maryann**~~~~

I just got a firm grip on reality....
Now I can strangle it

Many people have no idea what to say to the bereaved, (me included at times). This is just a reflex response to an uncomfortable situation. I wouldn't take offense. I would just write it off to a person with an inability to cope with the situation in front of them.

As to your last question Catherine, I'm not religious, but doesn't the bible say something about god giving and god taking away? So I think it's safe to assume that if you believe that god gives, then you have to also believe that god takes away, and presumably on his/her own time-table.

I am not particularly religious, but have some friends who are VERY religious. I think some people truly believe that God has a plan and everything is decided by him & his will and that it is comforting to them.

If I lost someone tragically, I'm not sure that anyone could say anything to truly comfort me, but I'd give them credit for trying. I can't imagine taking offense to someone who is simply trying to help and may not know the perfect words to say.

Lisa

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"It's not having what you want,
It's wanting what you've got"

Thanks everyone so far for your comments. I do am not deeply religious, lord knows I do not want to start a thread on that for sure. I do believe however God created us all, and sometimes I also believe that when you are born your life is somewhat planned out for you. For me if a really old person dies and someone will say, well they enjoyed a call life, so are we not to be sad, of course we are still sad. Then like I mentioned when a baby or a young child or our children die before us, I personally do not believe it was their time, something else happened to cause them to die so early, which of course its a parents worse nightmare, I cannot even imagine. There is alot to think about for sure. Blessings in this holiday season. Catherine

I agree, Lisa. Criticizing someone for not knowing the "right" thing to say is not something I would ever do.

When someone does pass away besides of course always offering our sincere condolences and saying I am sorry, what else can you truly say to the person. It can become uncomfortable especially if you did not know the person very well. Catherine

Speaking from a personal perspective, I was deeply resentful to anyone who said this to me when my beloved mother died, three years ago this month. I'm still not over the resentment I feel at losing her.

My best friend lost her child two months ago - maybe someone remembers I posted wondering how to help her, as she was facing losing him? Anyway, I found the only thing I could do to "comfort" her was to just be there. I hope I didn't offer any "words of wisdom" that hurt her more than helped her. In fact, I'm heading back there this weekend to spend some time with her, as she's really struggling - especially with the holidays approaching.

I guess the long and short of it is that there was nothing anyone said to me during my mother's death or the period afterwards that has provided any comfort whatsoever. What I appreciated most was the people who sent "thinking of you" cards, my husband for taking over paying the family bills when I just couldn't pull myself together to do it, and the people who aren't "afraid" to share their memories of my mother. I still resent those who tell me it "was her time" or the more pat, "at least she's no longer suffering".

Edited to say: I would never lash out at someone who offered their condolences in whatever way they believed was right, but inside, I was seething.

Mariah I deeply agreed with all you said and remembered your post about your mom. Hugs sweetie it is never easy. I will say this though from personal experience when my brother Sonny passed away, he was suffering alot and in pain, and there were some people who did say to me and my parents and brothers, well at least he is not suffering anymore. I knew that, we all knew that, but we also knew we still did not want him to leave us. I will be honest there were some family members on my dad's side who never once called ever to find in all the 8 months prior to his death to see how he was doing. Or to ask if my parents needed anything. What did get us upset was that , they came to the funeral and hanging all over the coffin and crying so much. I feel if you cannot make a few simple phone calls, or send a note or two or card that is the least you can do. Then of course you hear from them, well I could not bare to see him that way, if we all felt that way, no one would see anyone who was really sick and dying. Catherine

When I lost a close relative, the sense I got was that people were just trying to offer some words that might let me process the situation from a perspective where I could find some peace.

The "it was their time" sentiment didn't have a negative effect on me. Quite the opposite, actually. I am religious, and believe that there is a time for every purpose under heaven, and that all things work together for good. That doesn't mean that all things have only good outcomes or side-effects. It just means, to me, that it's all one big puzzle and each life is a piece, and each life needs to fit into the puzzle like it is supposed to fit.

I developed the perspective that my father's presence or absence in the world was part of a bigger continuum and that his life and death were not just about me or the rest of the family and our sadness at his being gone from the world. For instance, his death resulted in some pretty critical economic changes in my hometown. We sold his small but nicely profitable company to a much larger company that turned it into their regional office, and they hired a great number of individuals - far more than the five who were involved in the company at the time of his death. Now another larger companion company to that one has opened a solidly-sized regional office there as well.

While I'd certainly rather have my father alive than have companies springing up around town, I do feel like I have some perspective on the fact that time marches on, dominoes fall, and changes - sometimes positive - happen when things get 'rearranged' when someone is no longer around to be part of life's equation.

Since Adam and Eve, people have been living and then dying. It's inevitable. Every one of us, from the moment that we are born, is dying. God's timing is not always something that I understand, but looking at things in a 'big picture' way sometimes helps me see how good can come out of something that felt bad for me on a personal level because I suffered a personal loss.

And I guess that's why "It was their time" felt more philosophical than personal.

Hugs Nightowlrn I know I do not fully understand the loss of a child, I only know from personal experience what my parents went through and still do. When I was younger I did believe totally that God, created life and he decided when we were born how our lives would live out and when he felt the time, he would call us home. Of course now because I am not as religious as I was I feel differently. I do realize we all cannot live forever and one day we all will die. However the hardest part for me is the true sadness of when a infant or a young child dies, and while I truly do not have the answer, I just often think about it, why does it happen. Again thanks to all for your comments. Blessings in this holiday season. Catherine

Gee, what a wonderful post

I feel the same way you do. Death is, in fact, a part of life and is inevitable.

I believe that life is simply a journey (with some journeys longer than others) and heaven is the final destination.

We are alll going to die. That is the natural order of things. I lost 3 family members in 33 days in 1970 and I just appreciated the fact that people took time out of their lives to try to comfort my family no matter what was said. Family and freinds can greatly help with the healing process but it takes a long time. We all have people that we know who have died, fond memories are forever.
If you want to know what to say how about "I remember the day and tell a short story of something you shared with the deceased,"
How about following up with the family a week or so later and saying I was thinking of you and I am here if I can do anything to help.

For starters, mariahB I am deeply sorry for the loss of your mother. I too, lost my mother in 1996 and it changes your life. Some of what I am about to say is something I hope might bring your comfort.

Death is a hard emotion to express, both from the person who has lost a loved one, or for those providing comfort. I know at the funeral home, so many people told me they were sorry for the loss of my mother and I know they meant well but I was still overwhelmed. To this day, I'm not sure of exactly who showed up at the funeral home, I felt numb.

I know I've mentioned this before, but the one thing I found really hard to hear was several people told me when your mother passes, she takes your childhood with her. I found that just sort of disturbing but it was exactly what I needed to pull myself up and try to piece together my memories of her and the childhood she gave me. Your childhood, however good or bad, is a gift and a teaching tool for how you live your life. I am finally at a place in my life where I can look on the traditions of my childhood and smile. Don't get me wrong - there are times I just have a good cry, and I feel better afterwards.

The only thing I can remember that gave us any comfort was told to me by my mother when I was 14 and my 27 year old brother was tragically killed in a car accident. She just simply said 'some people are just too good for this world.' I don't know why, but it meant something to me.

What I try to tell someone I am trying to comfort, is tell them to grieve - I believe it is God's will we grieve. If I embrace someone who is grieving, I just whisper 'it's ok, let it out.' And then, day by day, we find all the things we loved before our loss and we fall in love with those things again. You'll never be the same but I try to treat a loss as if it's a landmark in my life. Things often become known as 'before Mom died' and 'after Mom died' and that's ok with me. You can be happy again - not the same, but you must reclaim joy and a sense of celebration.

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Catt
~ Mirror Mirror on the wall, I am my mother - after all! ~

Thanks, Catherine, for your well-wishes.
Catt - wow. I don't know what to say, but your post touched me in a way I didn't realize I could be touched anymore. I know exactly what you mean, and have experienced the "before Mom died" and "After Mom died" thought process, as well as the idea that my childhood was gone.

I know I'm bitter and I wish I could find a way to let it go. Maybe I'm scared if I let it go, I'll lose my mind altogether. I know we probably all feel this way, but it was NOT her time. She shouldn't have died. (I realize this is a stupid thing to say, but it's how I feel).

I used to be "religious" and had a deep seated belief in God. I thought, when my mother was sick, that God and I "had a deal". Now, I'm intelligent enough to realize that you don't make "deals" with God, but I really felt like we had come to an understanding...I thought he "told" me so. I lived up to my end of the bargain, and I feel like he didn't. A lot of my bitterness stems from that, as well as the manner in which she died. I am so deeply resentful.

I've spent three years being livid with God...I turned around the other day and realized I had begun to question whether or not he even existed. I'm in a dark place that scares me as far as that's concerned. If he doesn't exist, my mother's gone forever.

Catt, I should've had so much more time. We had plans, my mother and I. There were things we were supposed to be doing. I feel cheated.

I didn't mean to hijack your post, Catherine...This post in general just brought back so much for me. Maybe the whole "it was her time" is part of why I'm so bitter about her death, because I'm so sure it wasn't "supposed" to be.

Mariah sweetie many more hugs to you. Hon do not worry about taking over my post, because I know your pain, many people here know when I speak of my beloved brother Sonny who passed away from aids at the age of 36 was way too early for me as well, and we had plans too. Life is funny sometimes no pun intended of course, but growing up with 3 brothers me and Sonny were extremely close we were, more then siblings we were best friends. I literally could call him any time of the day or night and we could talk about anything. When I mention plans I fast forward to my life now, because he would have loved to be apart of his nieces and nephews lives. I totally imagine him and my youngest Caitlin hanging out in New York City and now especially that she is a freshman in college, it would be great. He was so smart and while he was diagonoised with HIV on 1/23/90 he did not let it interfere with his life. He worked, got his own home, he was so independent. He even went back to college and was only a few credits away, he was going to become a social studies teacher. He had to quit because the disease finally took its toll on his body right around 9/11/01 and he passed away on 5/4/02. So Mariah I know what you mean about plans, there was so much yet to share, and the one thing we did share was out laughter, me and my brother Sonny and our Dad have the same laugh and that will always put a smile on my face. Mariah for me I always look at it, like this I was the most fortunate to have been chosen to be his only sister, and while he is not with me in the flesh, he is my guardian angel and always around me. He is always around all of us to keep us safe and protected. For you sweetie, remember all the memories you and your mom shared and keep them alive, keep many pictures around and talk to her, because I talk to Sonny all the time . Sincere hugs. Catherine

Oh mariahB honey, I know exactly how you feel. I was 35 when my mother died, she was at my home one day when she had what we thought was a kidney stone. We took her to the ER, and the next day they told us she had colon cancer that had metastasized to her kidney and liver. Her condition, they said, was not curable but could be treated for pain control then gave us the number for Hospice. I couldn't believe what I was hearing, things like this didn't happen to my mother, it happens to other people. I remember getting on the elevator at the hospital and thinking all I had to do was talk to the doctor and make him change the diagnosis. She had virtually no symptoms, I didn't understand. And all she said to me when the doctor left was she didn't want to go because my sons were toddlers and she wanted to see them grow up. I was scared for her because for the first time in my life, my mother was scared.

I prayed, I bargained, I wanted more time. In the end, all I could do was watch her slip through my hands. The day she died, my life changed forever. My safety net, my soft place to fall, was gone. My kids didn't have their grandmother. Nothing was ever going to be the same, and I was preparing to bury my last parent. And believe it or not, in my grief and as crazy as it sounds, I was jealous that my dad was waiting for my mom meaning he was with her and I wasn't - my dad died in 1974 so I had my mom all to myself all those years. I know it sounds crazy but my mind was trying to make sense of the fact she wasn't with me anymore.

I also found myself defiant when people would say 'she will always be with you' because I couldn't call her, touch her or ever see her again. My children couldn't spend the night with her, and she wasn't sitting at my table at Thanksgiving. Of course I know what they meant, and it is a warm sentiment. But I got a knot in my throat because I would never feel her warmth and nothing would ever change that.

What I will tell you mariahB is that you will be happy again. Right now, the way you feel? This is the worst of it. As you approach more holidays, the firsts are the hardest; and you will find your eyes welling with tears when you see something you want to share with your mom. What you can do, or what I do, when I see my sons reaching landmarks in their life (birthdays, school events) I think as I look at them, maybe in some way my mother can see them through my eyes too. And as time goes by, I find some comfort in that.

My family and I find things to remember my mom by that brings a smile to my face; my mom had a habit of tearing paper towels in half and sticking the other half behind the roll of towels. It drove my husband crazy. So every now and then, he'll go to reach for a paper towel and end up with a torn piece of one. He immediately says "Well, I see your mom is getting back at me!" And every now and then, so my children will remember her, I'll hand them a Hershey kiss and say "this is a kiss from Mamaw in heaven....." because that was her favorite candy. It's the little things....

Lots of love to you mariahB. I know it's hard. I hope I've helped you some.

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Catt
~ Mirror Mirror on the wall, I am my mother - after all! ~

When people say that, they are just trying to explain it. Usually these words are spoken by people that believe in God and in their hearts they believe it's God's will. In fact, my niece and I were just talking about if someone dies suddenly, her father died in a freak fire when she was just a kid(he was mid-30s) and she always just says "it was his time". She's deeply religious and that's what she believes..it's how she makes peace with it. Then a couple years ago, her sister was in a horrible wreck...nothing left of the car except for the drivers seat which almost appeared as if there was a protective bubble around the seat...why didn't she die? According to her sister "it just wasn't her time!". People don't mean anything bad when they say that.