Could this be a new trend?
My husband's cousin recently got married, but decided on a very small wedding. I later learned that their reception was at the Ritz Carlton in NYC so I guess that may explain why hardly any extended family were invited. So today, I get a very nice custom made card with the married couple on the front and a few pictures of the reception on the inside. It said something like,
Just wanted to share our marital bliss with you. To add to the excitement, we also bought a house! Our new address is............

So, I am assuming that wedding gifts would be appreciated. Am I reading too much into this? Is it the new trend to have a lavish, small wedding, then send out an official announcement after the wedding?


On the subject of weddings, the bride's sister is getting married in October. We recently learned that she chose an island off the coast of Florida for her wedding site. Although I am certain a beach wedding would be gorgeous, I am opposed to picking a remote place since it requires every invited person to buy an airline ticket, and pay for a hotel room. It might just exclude some of those invited based on the monetary factor. A beautiful setting for sure, but also a little self-centered in my opinion.

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I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!

I would not consider this an invitation. As such, I would not send a gift. Although I think it very well could be fishing for a gift. It seems anything goes now and the more outlandish, the better they like it. The "destination" weddings I've heard about were really only immediate family, the couple were smart enough to know not to expect others to be able to give that much time and money.

Back to yours. I think having photos of the reception is in poor taste. It's rather like flaunting it to those who weren't there. i would not send a gift.

dl

In my personal views not so nice of the married couple. Honestly today all the money that is spent on weddings could go towards a down payment on a house. The money that is spent on flowers alone is ridicious, some have flowers imported from all over the world, this is so sad and a waste, these flowers only live for a short time. While I have been married a long time, I would definitely if I had to do it over, only include our immediate family and intimate friends get married right here on one of our local beaches. I would also cut down on the food, I think the cocktail hour and drinks and a small dessert is enough, The sit down dinner to me was a waste and I think all are a waste. Acutally I was not fancy at all, my dress only tried on one , looked at 2 wedding halls, and for everything else it was a package deal for 8,000 and then included our honeymoon. Enough of me, I would not sent a gift, I think what they did was in poor taste, but again how much someone wants to spend on a wedding is of course total personal choice as it should be, just not for me... Please let us know how it all turns out... Catherine

I totally agree with dl. I think it's really tacky to send pictures of a great party that you weren't invited to.

I would not send a gift, but I might send a nice card.

When you say it was a very small wedding, how small is small? If it was just immediate family, and then the immediate family went to the Ritz and had a get-together, I wouldn't think much of it. Brides are usually smitten with the memories of their weddings and tend to want the universe to know they got married. I very, very rarely interpret things like that as being attempts to fish for gifts - I just assume I'm being notified about an important happening.

If it was a small party of 500 - lol - then I'd think it was way tacky. If their "A" list was huge, to reveal to you that you were obviously on the "B" list.... yep. Very uncouth.

Regarding the beach wedding... I think it's fine. A wedding is two people joining themselves legally and spiritually... hopefully forever. I really don't have to be *present* for that. There was a time I probably would've thought it rude to have a wedding at a far-away destination that would make it difficult for my circle of people to attend. At this point in my adult life, I've been to enough weddings that I really don't sit around craving the opportunity to go to more. lol In fact, sometimes I'm a little relieved when I find a relative is having a wedding so far away that we can use that as an 'out'. Don't get me wrong - I enjoy weddings most of the time, and we try to make them when we can... but I can be happy for a married couple from far away. If a small gathering on a beach far away is the couple's vision of the perfect way to start their lives together, that's okay... and I'm happy to oooh and aaaah over their photos at the next major holiday.

I feel it was fishing for a gift.
As far as the destination weddings go I'm torn on that one. On the one hand what Wow said is so true the wedding is for the couple however family is disappointed to not attend. Perhaps a destination wedding with a small reception when the couple gets home will allow them to have their dream wedding and also allow their loved ones to celebrate the joy of the union with them.

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The political system is broke and it's a joke.

Yes small, around 40-45 guests. It could be that the bride and groom just wanted a small, intimate reception, or considering the venue, maybe it cost a bundle even for the small gathering. If they invited 200 guests, let's say, I would assume the bill would be significantly more, and perhaps they would not be able to have it at the Ritz Carlton in that case. I am assuming they kept it small based on the venue.

I agree that the bride just may want to share photos of her special day with the universe, but since they included their new address as part of the announcement, it just makes you wonder if it is not only a We Got Married announcement, but also an invitation to send gifts.

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I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!

I suppose it could be looked at as ploy to get gifts...just as a graduation announcement could be looked at the same way. Whether or not you bite is up to you. Send a card, send a gift or ignore it all, it really won't have a huge impact on your life. I do agree, however, that the "new" way of weddings is interesting....but then the "new" generation is interesting in their view of life.

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Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent.

E. Roosevelt

That could be. Not knowing them, it really is impossible to tell.

I just googled and quickly found this info about printed wedding announcements.

Proper manners: wedding announcement etiquette rules

Things really are changing. I guess that is just how the world is. I believe I've been married about as long as Catherine and we (my parents lol) spent no where near 8,000 on our wedding. So that seems like a lot to me. And my dd was married 4 years ago and we still didn't spend that much and it was a lovely wedding. So, I guess it's all in your perspective.

I agree with Catherine that some could put the money to better use, but I suppose the memories are more important to them. To each his own.

Personally, I love being invited to family weddings. It was always viewed, in my family at least, as a time for everyone, not just the couple. Celebrating life. That is what it was about. It knits families together. But now it has really become a completely self centered event in a lot of cases. Bridezillas you know!! lol A few times I had to gently and lovingly remind my sweet girl that although it was "her" wedding, it wasn't really just all about her, and that she had to be considerate of everyone. She had no problem with that. She got the shoes she wanted, so that was good enough!! jk...kind of.

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Melissa

I think I'm in the minority here. An announcement is an announcement. They are letting you know about their address change at the same time and could be doing that just so you update your Christmas card list. Whether you choose to send a gift or not is up to you. I would probably send a nice card with a small gift card inside to say Congratulations! While we were happy to have our family at our wedding, the day was really about us (or I should probably say me - DH would have been happy to go to the JP, but I had to have the big white wedding). We got married on a Friday night, which wasn't convenient for some people and we were sad they weren't able to make it, but having it on a Friday instead of a Saturday saved us $2000 on the reception location. That's a big deal and again was more about us than anyone else.

As far as destination weddings go, I am all for them. We would have done that if my divorced parents could have been at the same resort for 5-6 days. That would have been too uncomfortable, though, so we chose an in-town wedding. I think the wedding is about the couple and should be what they want, not what their families want - especially if they are footing the bill, as we did.

Just my two cents.

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Kim

I agree that an announcement is just that, an announcement. I guess that was my first thought re: the address. I would have immediately updated my address book and tossed the rest in the trash........except the pic of course. That would have spent some time on the fridge. lol

I would not in any way feel obligated to send a gift though.

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Melissa

I am the same way, Melissa - we did what we could to accommodate family schedules, etc.. My husband has a very large family and it was difficult to find a date that worked. and they literally spanned three continents, so regardless of what we did, we just couldn't please everybody.

I'm sure when we are the parents of the bride we'll do it the same way. I just don't feel hurt if other people go rogue! :-)

I would not send a gift since it looks like just an announcement.

Each wedding is different. My dd just got married in July. Her husband is Indian (from India) but has lived here most of his life. He is an only child and Catholic like our family. His father thought he had to pay for everything. We explained that here the girl's family pays. We said that they could help in some areas but that we would be picking the hall, etc. It worked out fine in the end. We had the reception at the Knights of Columbus hall for a great price because my dh was an officer. We got the hall, food, and top shelf drinks for one price. We did the invitations, the DJ and cupcakes instead of a cake. His parents paid for the photographer, flowers, limo, and decorting the hall. For flowers we had simple bouquets but in the hall we had ediblie arrangements (which everyone loved and ate) and his parents paid for that.

We live in Maryland near DC where the price of weddings can be high. We spent $10,000 which also included her dress for 200 guests. We only have one daughter (and two married sons). It was a great time.

We also had many people from out of town so we had family at our house on Thursday. Friday his parents had the rehershal dinner at an Italian rest. for about 50 people. Saturday was the wedding. Then on Sunday, we had about 50 people at our house for a brunch and opening of presents. So it was a 4 day event.

We did the opening of the presents the day after the wedding too. It was the best time!! My house was a literal disaster because we had many of the kids friends staying there for the weekend. There was barely room to walk...I am not kidding. Stuff EVERYWHERE! lol Well....8 am sharp my dear niece in law waltzes in the door and by 10 am the place was company ready!!! One of the best gifts I received all weekend!! It was just a small gathering, we ate leftovers from the reception and had a ball!!! My dd had initially balked at the idea, but is so glad we did that now!

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Melissa

Man, I wish we had thought of that!!!! We got married on Friday, but didn't leave for our honeymoon until Monday because we wanted to be home for Halloween with DS and for football Sunday (to each his own, I'm sure). It would have been great to be able to finish up some of the great food (and for DH and I actually to get to eat it lol) the next day, as well as having the opportunity to open gifts with our friends and family! It would have been much better for us because we had the gifts all stacked in the garage. The day after our wedding, our hot water heater (which is in the garage) flooded and some of our gifts were damaged. Had we brought them all in to open, that would have been avoided, too!

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Kim

I think you did great for that price! We had about 150 guests and ours was about $30,000.

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Kim

Were you not even invited? I think that alone would have offended me, if you are on good terms with the couple. Why would they not invite ALL of their family? I would cut out friends before I cut out family I held dear.

DH's niece got married in the Bahamas and knew not many from her family/friends circle would be able to attend, so they then had a nice reception back in the States. That was nice.

Personally, I would evaluate the relationship you have with this cousin. DH has a cousin, who, if she sent something like that, right in the trash it would go. I wouldn't even muster up the energy to give it a second thought.

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Doing the right thing isn't always the same as doing the easy thing.

Thanks for all the replies....gives me some insight into new wedding trends.

No, we were not invited, but most family members were not invited except one aunt (and somehow her arrogant son managed to show, and with a new girlfriend, which was so out of line since so many family members were left out). The only family there was the bride's immediate family~~parents, sister, brother and the one aunt (and her arrogant son).
Our feelings were not hurt about not being invited; hardly anyone was. I completely understand about wanting a small reception.

I have never received a wedding announcement before and wondered if this was the new trend, especially for small weddings. I know that I could never send one, as I wouldn't want anyone to think that I'm trying to illicit a gift.

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I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!

I think it's actually the opposite - it's not a new trend, but rather an old one that you don't see a lot these days.

I googled "marriage announcement" "Miss Manners" and found this:

Personally, and this is just MY opinion, but, I think that is tacky to not invite ALL of your family, so you can spend more on a smaller reception. I am just having a time wrapping my mind around that one. Again, don't know the relationship with you all, but, seems to me if you get married, you invite your ENTIRE family, unless there is bad blood. And, you said there were 40-45 people??? Yet, there seems to only have been 5 or 6 people for the bride's family? HOw many did the groom have?? Rhetorical question, no need to actually answer it, and I am not trying to stir up any feelings, just giving my opinion on it all.

If it were my cousin, I would be rather offended at not getting invited.

I can see both sides of the wedding announcement thing. However, IMO, you don't "announce" your wedding, after the fact, to family. You actually invite them to witness it first hand and share in your joy firsthand.

Times they are a changin' ..... indeed.

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Doing the right thing isn't always the same as doing the easy thing.

I forgot one thing, his parents also had Indian food brought in. They spent about $5,000 on their part.

My feelings are that this is just an announcement to let you know the couple was married and they have a new address. I don't believe they are looking for gifts. It is up to you if you would like to to send a gift of congratulations on the marriage and house warming gift.

I don't think there is anything wrong with a small wedding, especially considering the cost. That's what hubby & I did 17yrs ago. We invited immediate family and some close friends. There was 30 people total. If we were to invite all family, it would have been almost 200 people. We couldn't afford it, so we made a hard decision. We didn't want to start out married life in debt for one day. We sent announcement the week after to let everyone else know we were married.
Judy

I grew up in rural "Middle America", an nobody has lavish sit-down dinners if for no other reason than there is no place to have an event like that but the school gym - lol. If you read the Pioneer Woman blog... that's kind of how it was, except we lived in town and not on the ranch.

People have the ceremony, and then there is a cake / punch reception in the church fellowship hall. We did it really upscale for our corner of the world, and had finger foods at the reception - ha! They were just things that ladies from church, great aunts, made. My folks purchased the food, and then they made it and dropped it by the house that afternoon. We also went rogue and had the reception in my parent's backyard.

Looking back, we probably spent $2,500ish, total... not counting the $600 on the photos... and had about 250 - 300 people there.


Small town life is much, much different, obviously, but we're just as happily married as the next couple nearly 25 years later, so all's well that ends well! :-)

I disagree. Why should they have to choose a different location and have something "less" than what they want to invite more people? I believe that it should be what's important to them. We had 150 people, but do you think we actually spent time with all those people in the 3-hour reception? No way. Maybe they wanted something a little more elaborate and the opportunity to spend time with the people that mean the most to them. I have lots of cousins, but I'm not super close with all of them. We actually only invited 1 of my cousins and she didn't come because she lives in FL. We invited 3 of DH's cousins because they were a little more local and it was important to him. DH has a HUGE family and mine isn't small, so we would have added at least 100 people to our guest list (and the huge cost associated with that ) had we invited all of our cousins and their families.

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Kim

To momragum not sure how long your married I will be 25 years and out of the 8,000 that included everything our honeymoon, airfare, spending money everything, also my parents only paid for my dress and my bridal shower which back then my dress was 450.00 and I believe my bridal shower was small about 45 woman in back of the old neighborhood restaurant about 1,100 for everything thing, I wore jeans to my party did not know it was a party was totally suprised. I worked since I was 15 and my husband started to work parttime for his dad since he was 14 and full-time when he was 17 acutally I paid a bit the rest my husband paid. Again I agree with this if you were invited to the party and could not attend I would send a small gift. If I were not invited I would not send a gift however my personal view. Catherine

I have yet to receive a graduation announcement AFTER the ceremony WITH the address conveniently included. If that's been going on, i"ve pleasantly been out of that new phenom.

I do see a graduation announcement as an occasion to send a gift.

dl

Such a neat topic! Glad this came up.

I have only received one wedding "announcement" ever - and it was from my old boyfriend (of several years) and his new wife (whom I have never met) YEARS after we had even been in contact. It seemed so strange - if I were the paranoid type, I would have wondered if they only had one printed up, and sent to me ()

I am with deddlastt and allinaugust on this one.

The choice of enclosing pictures of the party actually raise the tacky-wacky factor, IMHO.

I know that there are some couples who may have always wished for a lavish or exotic location for their nuptuals. So why not do that, and then come home and celebrate on a smaller $$ scale with family/friends locally? I've been invited to some of those celebrations, and I think that's nice. The bride gets to have her wedding cake, and eat it, too, per se!

If that's not a possibility, then save the pictures of the event for the wedding album. If the bride is itching to share with the world the pictorial evidence of the lavish wedding enjoyed by the select few, there's always facebook...

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"The errors of faith are better than the best thoughts of unbelief." - Thomas Russell

When else would a graduation announcement be sent except AFTER the ceremony, when you have something to announce. If it came before the ceremony, it would be an invitation....can't be anything new there. And most mail comes with a return address so if you see a graduation announcement as a gift reason, you have the address right there.

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Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent.

E. Roosevelt

I got married in 1966. Wedding announcements were sent after the wedding to family members, friends of my parents, that all lived too far away to attend. I sent invitations to aunts and uncles regardless of distance. Some attended, most did not. In 1966, you didn't step on an airplane at the drop of a hat. An announcement is just that, an announcement. If you feel close to the couple or their parents, send a card and a small gift and be happy for them. If you don't feel that close, a card would suffice. I don't think any offense should be taken, because I don't think any was intended. They are just happy and caught up in the newness of their new lives together.

Now if you want offensiveness, let me tell you about my daughter-in-law...lol...

Ok, I see what you are saying. Let me try again. I've never received "anything" graduation-wise after the event. I have always received prior, and yes, the address is (maybe) is on the envelope. Whereas with the op, I read it was included (inside?) and more than just a return address label.

dl