I recently found out that a female friend of my husbands has been conversing with him via text messages. She also sent a picture of herself to him. She was not fully clothed. DH did come clean about this to me, and we have worked thru all of this. I can't however, seem to be able to let go of mean feelings for this woman. She was fully aware that DH is married and I think she WAY overstepped her boundaries.

Would you address the issue with this woman or let it go?

Wow. Funny thing is I have been dealing with the same thing. I don't have the opportunity of confrontation, and am not sure what I would say anyway. Think long and hard about it. If you and DH have worked through it, and it's over, unless I was given a direct opportunity I would probably let it go. IOW....don't look for trouble but if it comes to you, deal with it.


this post hurts my heart and turns my stomach.....I'm sorry you have had to deal with this.

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Melissa

Wow ladies this post really makes me sad for both of you or any other woman in this particular suituation. This is strictly personal and hurtful and for me who has been married so long I would be truly hurt more then words could ever say. I have to say, it is wrong, plain wrong, your married and you should not be receiving these kinds of texts nor sending them either. To op has your husband known this woman for a long time, I glad he came clean, however do you feel you can trust him in the future, I am just wondering why she choose your husband to send the texts and pictures in the first place. As far as confronting the other woman I am not in those shoes, so I honestly do not know what to do. Sincerely hope it all works out for both ladies so sad...Catherine

Life is not perfect, well I suppose some people's lives are, and it's all in what you make of it. Some things happen for a reason and sometimes bad things make us stronger, both individually and as a couple. That is what is happening in my particular case. We had been through the most traumatic year, with losing our sweet Faith. Me? I lost it and could barely leave the house. He couldn't stand to see my grief while dealing with his own and made his own mistakes. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger. I am here to attest to that. Man I love my husband!!!

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Melissa

did he come clean without any prompting from you?
Can you trust him?
Will there be any inkling of distrust?

Sorry, but I don't have a lot of patience for that kind of stuff from either the woman or your DH. She knew, he knew--and if you believe or know that he wouldn't have said something if he hadn't been "caught", then he's not worth your time.

If he immediately came to you and showed you the texts, and told her to stop and she persisted--then it sounds like she was the issue. However, he could have blocked her number. *shrug* I'm a bit cynical and jaded on this subject--I know this.

You don't have to deal with her every day, let it go. Him, on the other hand--you choose what you can tolerate, and how long you can tolerate it....

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Mental that one, I'm telling you. ---Ron Weasley, "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets"

For me personally any form of cheating is out, I literally know it happens sadly every second, both wifes and husbands cheating or doing something morally wrong and in this case , it is wrong, I again would be deeply upset and the trust be broken. I have always believed very strongly in my marriage vows and take them seriously. I also believe you cannot have your cake and eat it too. If you do cheat or chat or text or sent dirty or nude pictures it is wrong plain wrong in my beliefs. If your not happy and have tried to work out your problems, have given the person a second chance, have tried with the help of your church or councel help and all fails, then part ways and then move on and start a new relationship. but again this is my personal beliefs, you should be happy and not made to put up with irresponsible or childish behavior it is plain hurtful. Catherine

Wow, must be that time of year? DH came home last night, and was telling me about the DH of a friend of mine and how he (the friend's DH) claims to have had a "meeting" with another woman while away on a business trip.

OP, back to your question....what would I do??? Without actually being in the situation, I can only try to imagine how I would feel, and it is not so good. I would feel differently if my husband came to me with this info, and I did not find it on my own. In either case, I would be upset. What would give this woman the idea that she can just send a picture like that to my husband? I would wonder about that. You did say you have worked it all out, but, I would still have problems trusting him. As for the woman, I would want to confront her, or even have your DH call her with something scripted that you have come up with, and let you listen in on the call. That way you can "say" what you want to her, but, it is coming thru your DH.

this is definitely a tough situation. Have you considered any type of counseling? Often times a 3rd (neutral) party can really shed some good light on a situation.

Momrajum, I am glad you and your DH were able to use your situation as a "growth" tool. I'm sure that had to be very hard, especially given the pain you were already in from losing Faith.

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Doing the right thing isn't always the same as doing the easy thing.

I wouldn't just let it go. One question I have is why this woman had your dh's cell number. Could there be any other reasons besides personal that he would give her his number? You said that he came clean about it. Does that mean that you found it, and he maybe unwillingly fessed up?
I don't think this something you can "work through" just like that. And don't give him the impression that you're going to just let this go as it may happen again. It might be a good time to talk to a counselor about your marriage.

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I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!

To answer a few qeustions, I found out about this and then my husband told me why it occured. We have worked thru all of that and I don't hold him blameless. He has told this woman that he has moved on and is very happy in his marriage. She does not contact him anymore. I just feel so disgusted by the type of woman she must be to send soemthing like that and want her to know I know what she did and is NOT ok to do this sort of thing. But, will it even matter? thanks for the input.

Would you expect or want her husband ( if there was one) to contact your husband and have it out with him for being a part of his family's problem? Or would you expect it to be dealt within the famly group? Both parties were wrong. You can only deal with the one that concerns you. I can understand wanting to tell her off, but only if you think her husband could do the same to your husband.

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Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent.

E. Roosevelt

I would probably forgive but would be keeping a close eye on his paychecks to make sure his hours gone matched the hours on his paycheck.He would also have to kiss butt a LOT for a few months anyway!!
We have text messages on our phones turned off,you could try that.If it was online ,then no computer activity unless your in the room?
BFs and my computer are both in the living room and we can see what each other is doing at any time.

Sorry this happened to you.I would tighten the leash if possible.

I would probably say something to the woman to make sure she knows I know about it.

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I agree with you.

OP, you're dealing with it at home. Expanding the circle and confronting the woman "could" cause the situation to snowball and you could have to deal with repercussions that you don't even have on your radar right now. I'd leave it alone and work through it with my husband.

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Kim

She knows it is not okay. She did it anyway, so you confronting her is unlikely to bring about any epiphanies. Leave it alone and work on rebuilding with your husband. Just my opinion..

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Kim

To op , not to start any more problems because this must be so hard emotionally, but did you just say in your last post, you found out about it, and then your husband told you, do you think your husband would have told you, had you not found out. I sincerely hope and pray all will work out and for you not to get hurt anymore. Catherine

OP,

I can only guess how I'd feel. I'm thinking it's pretty likely I'd feel, as you do, like confronting the woman.

But what would be the real reason? Could it be because you don't fully trust that handling it with your husband is enough to ensure that it is really over?

I can't imagine that confronting her is likely to accomplish anything, so it's probably not worth doing. But I'm sure it's natural to want to do it.

I feel for you. Be strong!

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"The errors of faith are better than the best thoughts of unbelief." - Thomas Russell

I think it's unbelievable what people will do. You said she knew he was married, but I have to wonder what (for lack of a better term) signals he was giving or she thought he was giving?

Her actions were totally unacceptable and you have to come to terms with how you will continue. I think you should be more aware of his money, time, and whereabouts minimally.

As for confronting her, my first thoughts are yes and how to do it. However, I do not think you should. You have no idea how she will react, nor what she will "say" about the confrontation. I think any woman sending naked photos would conjure up lies or twist it with you being the one losing whether it's with yourself, your dh, or law enforcement. I say law enforcement because it's a crazy world and a woman who has already done this is capable of more.

~sigh~ I don't know how you will get through this, but am hopeful you will. There have been a couple of really good points others have written here. Do only what you yourself can live with and continue on knowing you did the right thing, as best as you could.

dl

I can't tell you what to do but I know I would feel betrayed and hurt. I would like to think if someone was sending my husband inappropriate messages that he would stop it right away. I know I would if some man sent me a message.

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The political system is broke and it's a joke.

I wouldn't mention it to her, but I would thank my husband for coming clean, so he could move on, both from that relationship, and in deepening his relationship with you. I figure it's okay to have opposite sex friends, but if the relationship isn't one you'd be comfortable with your parents or kids knowing about, or couldn't easily and comfortably explain to anyone, it's not an appropriate one. I mean, he has broken off his friendship with her, right? If he's hesitating on that point, I'd doubt his sincerity.

My reply to her.
Sorry you had to practice your femine whiles on my hubby but we have decided that you just dont have what it takes to be a fem fetale. (sp)
May we suggest that you take this photo to a plastic surgeon so that you will have a before picture to hang on his wall? You know aging just wrecks your looks more and more every day.
If you find this is to expensive for you at this time perhaps you can find someone on craigslist that you can send a blurry picture to.
Good luck in your search.

I agree. Let sleeping half naked women lie, so to speak. This is between you and him, not you and her. She's just the indicator that there's a problem. Don't deflect your anger and hurt to the wrong part of this equation and stir up a new batch of problems. He needs to rebuild your trust in him and that won't be easy for either of you.

While that might make the wronged party feel better(for a little while), it will only cause more drama to ensue.

Oh how I wanted to RUIN the one woman that I knew was involved w/ my then husband. But, I reached the point where I realized that by doing that--I would be ruining her husband and small child as well. She had enough issues (apparently). I didn't think I could feel good about that, in any shape, form or fashion. Plus, I needed to deal w/ the problems in my own home. Being mean, vindictive, catty, etc. to the other woman would have served no purpose.

What should be done is focusing the energy on out what needs to be done to either save YOUR relationship, or ending the relationship. Take a long, hard and honest look at what you want from a spouse/SO. Take that same look at yourself. (no, I'm not blaming the wronged party) Figure out what is in the best interest of all involved, including yourself.

If there isn't trust in a relationship, then there really is no relationship. If a person has to "check up" on their spouse/SO, what kind of life is that!?

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Mental that one, I'm telling you. ---Ron Weasley, "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets"