Okay here is the story my eldest dd Hope she will be 25 in May has been dating a 42 year old man for last 4 months. We have met him several times, he works for Nike and has a really good job and travels alot for his business. He has never been married before and no children. He has his own apartment in Manhattan, my daughter also lives in city, altough she rents her apartment. They seem really happy and today, she told me that they love each other. As a mom I am concerned about the age difference a bit, however she is an adult living on her own, paying her own way, she has a great job as well, she works in a art gallery, plus also paints on walls and furniture for clients as well. Here is the problem, that I am concerned he does not want to get married for a long time, as she tells me, and she also said she is not ready and does not want to have children for a long time as well. Again she truly is happy and he is a kind and gentlemen to my daughter. He has invited us all to his apartment this weekend for dinner with his parents as well. I am nervous, as is my husband, as my husband is only 5 years older then him. Anyone else been in this suituation , am I too concerned , should I be concerned about the marriage and children, I know it is her life but as a mom I worry. Okay any thoughts please share, edited to say was not sure if I was going to share this, but now with the dinner and it seems to be getting serious as mom I want to move in with him.....omg can I not turn back the clocks to when they were young, problems seemed so small....Catherine

My dad is 11 years older than my mom. Four kids and happily ever after. (or so they tell me anyway)

However, on the flip side, my mom is now the caregiver of an elderly man. The benefits as a young woman were financial and emotional stability of her chosen mate. But now, she doesn't do those thing a healthy retired woman might be doing. Choices, choices. I suppose as long as someone presents her the reality of what life with her at 65 and him at 82 is going to look like, she will go into it with open eyes.

Interesting perspective, nightowl. I'd thought about having a much older spouse in those situations, but not about the fact that one would be a caregiver at home when one's peers (age-wise) would be cruising the Caribbean and playing bridge at the country club enjoying their spouses.

Personally, it would bother me for my daughter to date someone with that much more 'life experience' than her. I say that because the more life experience I have, the more I appreciate the wisdom that comes with those experiences. I am 43, and while I know plenty of nice, sensible people in their mid-20's, the fact that I was in college before they were even born... I just can't imagine not wanting to be with someone my own age.

I don't know your daughter or this man, but I think it is worth asking yourself why he isn't interested in someone closer to his age. That's no slam on your daughter - just, "What kind of man is more interested in a young girl than a woman his own age?" The answer to my question is more a reflection on him than on her.

The first thing that comes to mind about the man is what is wrong with him that he is 42 and hasn't been married yet? Never been married at 42 that is a bit unusual (my opinion only).

Since they have only been dating 4 months it might not get serious enough to the point of marriage. If they did decide to get married and have children, he is 17 years older than she is (just popped into my mind, he is actually old enough to be her father) back to the point I was trying to make, say they got married in a few years, say she was 35 or so when she had her first child (which is not unusual these days) he would be 52 with a newborn, 62 when the child was 10, 70 when the child was graduating from high school.

Even if they had a child right now, he would be 60 when the child graduated from high school. It just seems as though this would be harder on her going into this type of relationship as if they choose to have children, she could possibly go from being a caregiver for her children to taking care of him because he will be elderly, possibly even at the same time.

As a mom, I think you are right to be concerned, if it were my daughter I would not be happy. I know it is their life and they can do whatever they like as they are adults, but I would still not be happy with the situation. I think I would be ok with a 10 year age difference providing he was a bit younger to start with (if it were my daughter) but 42 and 25 is just too much.

What types of things do they have in common? if you don't mind me asking.

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I don't think it's all on the older man, there are two people involved. Why does a 25 year old have interest in him? Daddy issues? The attention from both him and others that she is with an older man? Money? Security? A different lifestyle?

Or maybe they just enjoy each other and it is developing into love?

Try stepping back and put yourself in her place. You said she is truly happy. She doesn't need anyone - mother or otherwise - telling her how to conduct herself at 25. This is a myob situation. You have to let go and know you can't control your kids' lives forever.

dl

We have a friend (my age - mid-40's), whose DH is turning 70.

15 years ago they had an exciting life filled with really wonderful trips, great restaurants, etc.

Now she is a mid-40's woman taking care of an aging man with failing health. She's not expressing to us any frustration, but we really sense it. She is watching couples in her age group still enjoying life and being active. How can she not feel like she is missing out?

As her mom, I imagine you can't give too much in the way of your opinions, but I hope you can ask her to look at the reality of how many "good years" she may actually have with him...
[I'm aware that there are no guarantees, and that no one really has a crystal ball to plan for how many 'good years' there'll be, but one can certainly raise (or lower) their chances...]

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"The errors of faith are better than the best thoughts of unbelief." - Thomas Russell

I wouldn't worry about it since they have no plans to get married and have children.Chances are it won't be a long lasting affair.
Since your daughter says she does not want any children for a "long" time ,it sounds like this guy just might be a temporary security blanket until she's ready for something more serious.By then her views might change.

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That is nothing to me, because my daughter is in a very close friendship, which she says could lead to more, with a man that is her g randfathers age. He is 40 years older than her. It is not my business and I never have been one to worry about age. She has a 2 year old daughter and I only worry about her with any man that is around the baby. My daughter us suoer smart and I hope she uses all of her brain cells....

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"When you're drowning, you don't say 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would have the foresight to notice me drowning and come and help me,' you just scream."

John Lennon

The relationship is still young, so time will tell where it goes. My biggest concern is his relationship past. Does your daughter know if he has had many long term relationships and why things may have not worked out? It seem possible that he may have a commitment issue. A man of 42 years who never married with no children seems unusual. I think a year or two of your daughter getting to know him may answer some of these questions.

Do share details about your dinner with him.

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I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!

[quote=groovygirl;3461261] He is 40 years older than her. QUOTE]

THAT I would have a problem with

[quote=KellyJef;3461273]But, I don't.

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"When you're drowning, you don't say 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would have the foresight to notice me drowning and come and help me,' you just scream."

John Lennon

[quote=KellyJef;3461273]Yep. Creepy, IMHO...

[quote=wowitsdark;3461277]Good thing you don't have to worry about it.

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"When you're drowning, you don't say 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would have the foresight to notice me drowning and come and help me,' you just scream."

John Lennon

That is quite an age gap. They are from 2 different generations basically. As has been stated earlier, the relationship is still "young" so I would step back and be very observant. Be careful not to push your opinion or beliefs off on her, it may just back fire.

It is so hard to let our children go, isn't it?

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Doing the right thing isn't always the same as doing the easy thing.

While age is just a number, I would wonder about some things w/ that large a gap in age.

And since I just turned 40, I can't imagine dating anyone that was 80! 40 was a new beginning for me. I have a whole new perspective and outlook on life, and am not real sure that could be shared w/ someone 40 years my senior.

However, that's just my take, my opinion--and my life.
Only your DD knows where her heart, motives and life are.

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Mental that one, I'm telling you. ---Ron Weasley, "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets"

right. She is 24 and she is very capable of running her own life.

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"When you're drowning, you don't say 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would have the foresight to notice me drowning and come and help me,' you just scream."

John Lennon

Unless something is wrong with my math it is only a 17 year age difference not a 40 year age difference.

CScout, there are two different couples being discussed.......

ILUVLUCY420's daughter is 25 years old and dating a 42 year old man

groovygirl's daughter is 24 years old and dating a man that is 40 years older than her so I am guessing he is 64 years old


Hope that clears up everything for you! :O)

right, and they are not actually dating yet. Just super close friends for teh past year or so and she is thinking about it. She met him through her job.

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"When you're drowning, you don't say 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would have the foresight to notice me drowning and come and help me,' you just scream."

John Lennon

I wish both your daughter & ILUVLUCY420's daughter much happiness in whatever they decide to do in life. While the age differences may shock some both on here & in the real world, it is the way the couples treat each other at the end of the day that really matters.

As for ILUVLUCY420, I think she is worrying TOO much about a fledgling relationship that may or may not go anywhere.Just keep the lines of communication open with your daughter & allow her to live her life. While your job as her Mom will never end, it is time for her to spread her wings & fly on her own.

Exactly how I feel!

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"When you're drowning, you don't say 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would have the foresight to notice me drowning and come and help me,' you just scream."

John Lennon

Wow to all the ladies who have helped and offered some thoughts into this relationship between my dd Hope who will be 25 on 5/25 and James will be 43 on June 1st. Honestly while I realize it is a 17 year gap, to me it is really not a huge gap . My dd has dated men her own age and has told me so many times in the last few months, mom it is so much better, men my age act more like 20 then their own age. She tells me he did have 2 serious relationships in his past, however they did not work out, for those reasons why I am have not been informed yet. She truly likes that he is stable , has a excellent job and she feels like he is not playing games. We have decided to go and attend the dinner and meet his parents who are older then us . My dd Hope has met his parents and she tells me they are also lovely people and that they have welcomed her in their lifes. The bottom line for me as any parent , is that as long as she is happy and he treats her the way a lady should be treated we are happy. LIke others have stated here it has only been 4 months into the relationship so only time will tell. As far as why he has not married, he told my dd Hope he wanted his education, and built his career and when the right women comes along he will know it. So again time will tell . Again thanks so much for the thoughts and concerns ladies. Catherine

My husband is 64 and the thought of him dating my 25 year old niece is totally disgusting. Her grandfather is 65 so it would be like her dating her grandfather

Glad it's not you!

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"When you're drowning, you don't say 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would have the foresight to notice me drowning and come and help me,' you just scream."

John Lennon

I have a friend who's around same age dating a guy who's in his late 50's and they have a child together. As long as they're happy I see nothing wrong with it.

Isn't that the truth?! I will never figure out why people worry so much about what other people do, as long as they are not hurting anyone.

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"When you're drowning, you don't say 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would have the foresight to notice me drowning and come and help me,' you just scream."

John Lennon

My daughter has been married for over 10 years to a man that is 21 years older than her. He is only 8 years younger than me. It was his second marriage and he has two grown children who are living in another state. I was concerned at the beginning, but I think it's working out alright up to now. I'm not sure she is going to like it 10 or 15 years down the line when he gets "old". But he's a nice guy. He's good to us. He's good to her and their son and she could have done a lot worse. When I think of another guy she was dating just before she met this one, I think she did well. I think you just have to sit back and let things happen. It's not your choice. Unless you find something alarming about the guy, just go with the flow.

I don't think anybody is 'worried' other than Catherine. Some of us think she has valid concerns... but 'worried' is a bit of a stretch.

I meant in general...people are always in other people business. I just don't get it and I thought it was clear what I meant. Guess not.

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"When you're drowning, you don't say 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would have the foresight to notice me drowning and come and help me,' you just scream."

John Lennon

Sorry - I guess I wasn't reading posts where people talked about getting into the business of those whose dating habits they found objectionable.

I just saw people expressing their opinions about age differences when people date.

You really can't be that dumb!

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"When you're drowning, you don't say 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would have the foresight to notice me drowning and come and help me,' you just scream."

John Lennon

She is clearly not "that dumb". She is articulate, well educated, has an understandable thought process, and conveys herself clearly. Others, however, are "that dumb".

To stay on subject of an age spread between couples, don't hurt yourself cheerleading for your dd perhaps dating someone her grandfather's age. We get it, you think it's great.

dl

Oh, I already know that you ARE that dumb!

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"When you're drowning, you don't say 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would have the foresight to notice me drowning and come and help me,' you just scream."

John Lennon

Why am I having visions of Anna Nicole Smith and the gazillions of dollars she ended up with by marrying an elderly man?????

I don't know, because no one said anything about money. You just think that way,I guess, which says a lot about you.

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"When you're drowning, you don't say 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would have the foresight to notice me drowning and come and help me,' you just scream."

John Lennon

The mere fact that you resorted to calling someone dumb, I pointed out she's not, and now you have to call me dumb, speaks volumes about your character, or actually lack thereof. Your posts are constant reruns in which you adequately showcase your shortcomings and weaknesses.

As a supposed teacher, I would think that using the word dumb would not be something to ever be considered. I have two friends who are teachers in the public school system and I know for a fact dumb (and several other terms) is not to be used.

dl

This is not school, dumb ass and my students(5 years old) are way smarter than you. lol

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"When you're drowning, you don't say 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would have the foresight to notice me drowning and come and help me,' you just scream."

John Lennon

My Daddy was 8 yrs younger than my mother and my mother refused to even date him because she felt she was too old for him....finally she relented and they were married for 48 years Dad passed away 27 days before their 49th wedding anniversary.

Now I am with a Guy 12 years younger than me, I actually had an issue with it, but he did not care took him quite some time to believe I am 44 however kept checking my ID especially when I would go buy beer and get carded he would be like see you arent 44. We've been together almost 8 months now and he makes me happy completes me and I do the same for him, his parents adore me (I adore them) and they are thrilled he has someone older than him rather than some of the real young things he used to be with who just turned 18-21 yrs old, I have settled him down a lot he still has a wild streak but I wouldn't trade him for the world.

I think if a couple has no issues with the age and they seem to be treating each other good as a couple then I wouldn't worry about it... Love can be a fickle thing and you never know who you are going to fall in love with, some of the young girls I see at work all say they wish they could find a older guy who isnt into partying all the time and has a stable career and life maybe this is what Catherine's daughter is looking for as long as she understands if they make it permanent that she maybe the caretaker to him down the road. I look as some of the guys in the 20's and it never ceases to amaze me how many of them have no ambition in life or are just plain lazy but go to the 35 and up set you find men with a sense of responsibility.

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Did I say anyone said anything about money? I don't think I did.

That's just the couple that pops into my head when somebody mentions an elderly man and a very young thing.

"gazillions of dollars" It was, ummmm, let's see....it was YOU! lol

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"When you're drowning, you don't say 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would have the foresight to notice me drowning and come and help me,' you just scream."

John Lennon

Really?

You resort to this sort of behaviour?

I don't know why I'm shocked....

I have always found the things that I get catty defensive about are the things I know are "wrong" or that I'm wrong about, but don't want to admit. You paraded your daughter's relationship out in the public, was it so you could try and talk yourself into believing it is ok? If you really didn't care what others thought you wouldn't keep trying to defend it and you certainly wouldn't sink to the level you did.

Frankly, dating someone old enough to be your grandfather brings a lot of questions and issues to my mind.

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Mental that one, I'm telling you. ---Ron Weasley, "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets"

Frankly....I don't care what you think....I really don't I was replying to a post, nothing else. She is not even dating the man, and if she does decide to, s what? They are both grown and I am sure they do not care what you think, either...lol

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"When you're drowning, you don't say 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would have the foresight to notice me drowning and come and help me,' you just scream."

John Lennon

Please re-read my post.

I asked, "Did I say that anyone said anything about money?"

You may need to read it slowly.

I referenced the couple that comes to mind when an elderly man and a very young woman hook up. That couple is Anna Nicole Smith and her wealthy Texas oilman deceased husband.

So yes, I mentioned that A.N.S. married an elderly man for money.

But I never insinuated that anyone else had brought up money.

m - if this wasn't typical behaviour, I'd say she's been drinking tonight. But we know better, she can't seem to help herself - ever.

dl

Again, you can't be that dumb....you know damn well what you insinuated. Maybe you are!

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"When you're drowning, you don't say 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would have the foresight to notice me drowning and come and help me,' you just scream."

John Lennon

Maybe I have been.....none of your business, either way. Glad you found a friend to play with. lol You are so miserable! Sad

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"When you're drowning, you don't say 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would have the foresight to notice me drowning and come and help me,' you just scream."

John Lennon

It really disturbs me gg, that you have that pic of that precious little girl as your avatar, but behave the way you are. I know you could care less what I think, I just thought that was a little sad. just my personal opinion....

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Melissa

Thanks??? lol. she is loved and treated like a princess by us. You don't have to be disturbed....unless you want to. Calling a dumb ass out here has nothing to do with my grandbaby

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"When you're drowning, you don't say 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would have the foresight to notice me drowning and come and help me,' you just scream."

John Lennon

So you intentionally are being vile?
good to know

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Mental that one, I'm telling you. ---Ron Weasley, "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets"

I guess so....lol

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"When you're drowning, you don't say 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would have the foresight to notice me drowning and come and help me,' you just scream."

John Lennon

Seriously - I am not following you at all.

When I hear of an old man and a young lady supposedly falling in love, they come to mind. Quickly. So I mentioned it

She married him for money. I insinuated that.

You said, "I don't know, because no one said anything about money. You just think that way,I guess, which says a lot about you."

I said that I never *said* that anyone was talking about money.

Then you said, ""gazillions of dollars" It was, ummmm, let's see....it was YOU! lol "

Yes, I mentioned money. But YOU said, "Nobody said anything about money!" as though I wasn't supposed to mention that situation since nobody else had introduced money into the discussion.

Nope, but someone's character expressed her usually translates to their "real life".

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Melissa

Okay, so you are!

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"When you're drowning, you don't say 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would have the foresight to notice me drowning and come and help me,' you just scream."

John Lennon