Help. I need advice from "the other side".

If your daughter's boyfriend was more happy "just being friends" than continuing on with a 7 month long boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, what tips or pointers would you suggest for the inevitable "talk" about ending the steady relationship?

Hypothetical girlfriend hasn't done anything wrong, isn't a nag or high maintenance, is truly a sweet young lady and in the end will continue on through til graduation at the same school, same classes, same friends etc.

Some of you girl moms I'm sure have seen some really B~A~D or poorly handled break-ups. Want to avoid that all costs so consider this my Dear Abby, What would you do so it all worked out o.k.?

Thanks in advance,
X

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Then Jesus said, "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28

I wish I had some words of wisdom here. Even though I raised a daughter, she was so straight laced, we honestly never had to worry. Her first date with her husband was after they were engaged. Strange, I know, but besides the circumstances we always came at dating from the perspective that if you wouldn't marry the guy, then don't date him. She had plenty of guy friends though.

If this young lady is secure in herself, and has a good perspective on life, she will be fine. Kids take these "relationships" too seriously, I think. I have a 16 yo, great niece who will be giving birth in the next week or so. She has been "dating" since she was about 13....always "in love"... too serious, too young. They give away pieces of their hearts that you just can't get back.

Sorry....this is one of my pet peeves and I feel very strongly about it.

I hope things go well with your talk. I'm sure she is a great young woman......just encourage her in that. She, has a long life ahead of her, great things and people to experience. It might hurt for now.....but not forever! ;0)

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Melissa

Ok......just re read that....is it your son breaking up???

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Melissa

Be gentle, make it clear it's over. None of that like taking a break crap that is vague.

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I've never lied to you. I've always told you some version the of truth.

maybe????....

I'm not in their business, he just shared the other day that he thought the relationship was better as friends and he wasn't sure what he could say that would not make the girl think that she had done something wrong or put offish.

She didn't, hasn't and won't. She's that nice of a girl but it's comfortable like a sister or best friend of the opposite sex kind of fit for them.

He was asking how or what he could say that wouldn't hurt feelings or cause drama. Example here: When she told him SHE loved him about 3 months into it, his reply was I really like alot about you but I want to save that much emotion for when I'm older to get out of telling her "I love you" back.
We had talked about Christian dating principles before middle school started and he decided to guard his heart so to speak.

It seemed like every response to his request was an excuse of sorts... I wasn't satisfied that I really helped all that much in the end.

I never had a "Let's just be friends" break up in all my relationships -- I dated the average amount but in the end most times boyfriend and I had just grown apart or had life changes that separated us i.e. changing schools, moving cities, college bound, adult dating for a dinner/movie or two without the "we're going steady" part.. you know---


I'm probably getting too personal on here aren't I? LOL!
Ya'll forgive me! I just thought someone would say... You know this is how it went down with my kiddo and if it could have been done differently I sure wish that kid wouldn't have said ____blank____ or ____ blank____... you know?

X

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Then Jesus said, "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28

Well, I see we are coming at it from the same perspective. I'm sure he'll do fine if his response to "I love you" is any indication.

No, not too personal. No names, addresses or medical info. was released in this exchange. I think it's cool he even cares!!

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Melissa

LOL!

My mind just went blank when he asked. I was like duh... most of the time there is a "reason" the relationship changes... a problem or difference or relocation or ....well all that..

He just wasn't going to use the following excuses because they didn't apply:
say like "I'm just not that in to you anymore".
"I'm ready for a break" (if there was the possibility that two weeks later he was seen -talking- to another girl in the hall)
"You are too intense"
"I'm better as a single person"

He is afraid she'll grasp for a reason and there really is no other reason other than the fact that it feels more like sisterly, buddy style feelings than revved up, teenager crush kind of moon pie in the eye kind of liking someone on his part. We think she's a little more into him than he is to her. They are both GREAT kids! I just don't want to see her hurt or confused by something he says. I too agree that it has to be very clear and not wishy washy for a clean break.

I'm thinking maybe he should just say -- It's complicated and then be completely silent....HA HA HA HA! LOL!

X

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Then Jesus said, "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28

Xhausted1, first, you have raised an amazing son if he was willing to try & look out for the girl's feelings as he "breaks things off" with her. Second, why not have him tell her exactly what you said above: "really is no other reason other than the fact that it feels more like sisterly, buddy style feelings" because it sounds like that sums it up for him? Just a thought!! :O)

I was gonna say, my advice is just stay out of it…but, how about some version of George Costanza and ‘it’s not you, it’s me’.
As in:
“Fannie Mae, you’re great/gorgeous/unbelievable and I could never ask for a better gf. I’m sorry, I’m just not ready to have a gf/relationship/to go steady/to have a serious relationship.”

X, kudos to you! I hope I've done as good a job with my son as you have with yours! Impressive! I don't have personal experience because I have a 12-year-old, so we're not there yet. I also didn't date a lot in school, but it sounds like your son is empathetic and handles things well, so perhaps just telling her the truth in a nice way is the best option.

Sorry I couldn't really help, but just wanted to say Nice Job.

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Kim

I have teenage daughters!

I will say this...if he wants to be friends, then make sure he makes the effort to stay friends. My daughter's first love lasted 10 months. He told her he wanted to stay friends. Then he started dating my daughters best friend, they started being horrible to her, pushed her out of their friend group..so she lost her boyfriend, best friend and her whole group of friends. All she wanted to do was stay friends - which is what he told her he wanted, too! They actually tried, but ex-bestie made that impossible. He got drawn into all the drama trying to impress the new gf and prove his loyalty by trashing my daughter. It was horrible. She was devastated and it took probably a year to get over it.

Youngest dd has boyfriends and she's remained friends with all of them afterwards and there hasn't been a huge mess, yet.

Good luck. Being the mom through all this is hard, especially when you like the significant other!

Lisa

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"It's not having what you want,
It's wanting what you've got"

I like it, Lisa. Good info for moms of boys to have.

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Kim

I totally would have done that if he had not come and asked "What would you do if" or "how am I supposed to do this".

This is one of those life coach moments and I was not as prepared as I could have been. I didn't feel right telling him to take the heat on this one because truth is, there really is NOTHING wrong with him. There really isn't anything wrong. I thought using a line like that would lead to many of the peers filling in an idea of something because it was vague and left room for speculation that might not turn out to be true or right.

Lisa, many thanks for the sharing. I can use that info as precautionary advice when if he opens the conversation again or goes through with it and will be prepared to watch for that.

X

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Then Jesus said, "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28

My dd was in a serious crush (she was told mutual) during her senior year, and suddenly got the 'we are better off as friends' speech. No special reason,so he said. She was hurt and surprised but dealing with it. A scant couple days later she got a text from someone advising her this boy had asked out one of her aquaintances; turns out that was the reason he dumped DD. We were in Kohl's when she got the text and was so sick about it she literally hurled into a nearby trash can. She was so hurt. Adding insult to injury, the other girl's locker was 2 away from hers, so she got to witness the new relationship up close and personal.
As teen love turns out, the crush was cheated on and dumped by the new girlfriend. A boy in my DD's circle of friends took the opportunity to ask my DD to the prom, and they have been together ever since, happy so far.

So it is right for him to tell her, as she will be free to meet someone more compatible. As long as he is honest and sincere, that is all she can ask. Should he happen to meet his dream girl soon after he breaks up with this girl, advise him to consider how the timing will affect her. And he should not flaunt a new relationship in front of the old girlfriend.
....from the mom of a teenage girl.......