at what point is it the parents' fault that a child is constantly in trouble with law enforcement???

I have a friend, has 2 teenage boys. Oldest (18) had his share of scrapes with the law. But, mostly his was just getting caught with wrong "friends". Granted I'm partial to the kid. He has managed to pull his head out of his butt, straighten up and fly right for a while now! He works 40 + hrs /week, and is trying.

The other one---oh the other one(16). Geez! He has had numerous scrapes w/ the law, has received several tickets (minor in possession --alcohol and tobacco), theft, trespassing, etc. Is currently on probation for some of the tickets. Has not followed through with the terms of probation. Has several hours of community service (has had these hours for over a year, no effort to perform them)....The latest is that the kid ran from the scene of a crime (theft of beer from convenience store, and there is the possibility that a clerk was injured in the commission of the crime). And has not been seen or heard from since late Saturday nite/early Sunday. I spent two hours at the local cop shop w/his mom trying to file a missing person report. The cops are less than sympathetic (they've dealt with this kid, they know what he's like). Juvenile probation was less than sympathetic...

Eventually, got the "Pick up and hold" order moving, and got the kid listed as missing.

I feel kind of bad, because I think that my friend and her husband play a huge role in this kid being a habitual criminal! They have not provided consistent rules, have not followed through with punishments, often have no idea where their children are! The two boys pretty much have fended for themselves, and rarely are home. The parents did not step in when the kids started getting in trouble....
*sigh* the mom is my friend, and while I feel for her, I believe that a lot of the heartache she is undergoing, is of her own doing.

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Mental that one, I'm telling you. ---Ron Weasley, "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets"

So complicated. My family is personally dealing with a kid like this and I can see clearly that while the child has always seemed to have issues, it is most definitely the fault of the parents that he is where he is now. Lack of discipline and pure selfishness on their part have played a huge part in what is going on. He is currently in the custody of the state (he is 14) and while he is being held for up to nine months they just up and move across the country. For NO good reason.

So.....like I said, it's complicated. Just love your friend. They are probably doing the best they know how at this point, and if the door is opened for advice, maybe you could help.

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Melissa

Yeah, Melissa---it is complicated. And while I want to be a loving and supportive friend, it's really hard when the mom is busy railing against the local police and juvenile probation for not doing their jobs and finding the kid. And talking about how insensitive and uncaring the cops and probation are. My favorite was her ranting about how she wouldn't be treated like this if she was back home (in Pennsylvania) because her cousin is a cop there, and she's gonna call him to get him to do something about the way we were treated....(ummmm....I was treated fine, and my kids are currently IN SCHOOL, where they are suppose to be!)

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Mental that one, I'm telling you. ---Ron Weasley, "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets"

I think everyone has a friend with a kid like that....I personally have two! Both parents have always undermined the school, the police and anyone in authority who would dare to make the little darlings feel like they weren't just being kids....

They always say when I try and offer some advice "What would you know? Your kids have always been treated differently and they all have given you no trouble....it's your last name" Hmmm...I guess that could be a reason but my boys have all graduated from different high schools.....
I do not get it sometimes......I love my kids just as much as they do. But they make it sound like because I made my boys responsible for their choices, good and bad, I was not being supportive of them. When the police stopped my second son for running a stop sign, my one friend thought I was awful to make him just pay the ticket instead of going to court to contest it with him. THAT was the last time he has had to speak to a police officer.

I sometimes cringe when the phone rings and I see by caller ID that it is one of them. They get on the phone together and commiserate about how awful the schools are, how they have let their sons down...how the police in the town are after their kids.....right...

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GO NAVY WRESTLING!!BEAT ARMY!!!
RJB 3/18/60 - 5/22/04
We miss you, sweet brother
God Bless the USA!!!!! Praying for my Youngster son at United States Naval Academy, class of 2014!!

http://mylifeundertheabaya.blogspot.com/

I guess that's the problem, how would one expect their child to respect authority if all they do is make excuses for the child and lay blame on the authorities. What I suppose they don't get is they as parents are "authority" as well, so in essence they are undermining themselves and setting their children up for a lifetime of trouble. When will people understand they are raising adults, not children?

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Melissa

Here is what one Judge thinks is an appropriate way to discipline.
Judge William Adams beats daughter for using the internet - YouTube

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WTF does that video have to do with the topic?

It's obvious that what is shown in the video is abusive.

Kids need discipline, rules/boundaries, and consistency with what they are taught as right and wrong, and how the boundaries/rules are applied. Kids do not need to be beaten, abused (physically or mentally) or mistreated to accomplish discipline, rules and consistency. Parents who are afraid to supply and apply discipline, rules and consistency fail their children. It's my opinion that my friend and her husband have failed one of their children miserably. The other one (the oldest) had the good sense to seek guidance else where!

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Mental that one, I'm telling you. ---Ron Weasley, "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets"

Well, excuse me for not meeting the requirements to post in your thread.I thought it was related to the subject so I posted it here.I'll be sure not post in any of YOUR threads ever again miss nasty!

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Parents need to be parents, not their kid(s)'s friends. I HATE that. Our next door neighbors caught their son growing weed in an isolated, overgrown area behind their house when he was about 14. Kid didn't get a dl until he was out of hs, became more and more withdrawn, and had absolutely no chores at home (no responsbility, etc). Eventually they bought him a Chevy s-10 so he could get a job. Long story short, within 6 months, he's been arrested 3 times for theft and is now in rehab.

The parents go to church regularly, are pillars there and while they are always "taking care of someone else".... for the past year, they've had a woman and her 2 small children living there while she goes through a divorce and possible deportation. Had they given their son a fraction of what they've given ( or think they've given! ) others, perhaps he'd have been on a straighter path. Oh, and it's not their fault. Of course not, all the good they do must offset what their son is doing.

dl

I don't care where you post!

But to post a video showing an obvious abusive situation, needs some sort of explanation on why you feel or think it relates to the subject matter.

And frankly, calling me names is juvenile. I get on to my boys for that sort of behaviour. If you want people to take you seriously, don't stoop to name calling--and provide some explanation instead of just posting a link to a youtube video.

You have yourself a blessed day!

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Mental that one, I'm telling you. ---Ron Weasley, "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets"

You were being nasty.If you don't want to be called nasty then don't act nasty.
And frankly,being nasty to someone for making a post on your thread for no other reason then that you think it is off subject is quite juvenille.
I would go into more detail about my post if you hadn't been so nasty to me but I have no desire to be another ILL victim so I will stop here.

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LoL....whatever! Your loss.

It had and still doesn't have anything to do with posting on "my" thread. It has to do with, it needed some explanation. I'm not gonna beg, plead or apologize. Either pull up your big girl panties and deal with the fact that I didn't respond the way you wanted, or not. It's on you sweetie. I'm fine either way.

It's obvious you have some strong feelings toward me, so perhaps putting me on ignore, or just simply ignoring me will work for you. I don't care, again--it's on you hun!
Again, have a blessed and wonderful rest of the day!

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Mental that one, I'm telling you. ---Ron Weasley, "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets"

What's a dl?

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If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition, and then admit that we just don't want to do it.

- Stephen Colbert.

I am going to guess that dl stands for Driver's License. If I am wrong, I am sure deddlastt will tell us. :O)

lw is wise. It is a driver's license, sorry for the confusion.

dl

I agree with this and realize that your original post does place blame on the parents (justifiably so based on what you've shared), but I do want to point out that not every bad kid is a result of a bad parental situation or a situation where a parent doesn't teach and enforce rules. Some kids are just bad kids.

I feel so bad for kids who aren't taught what they need to be taught and believe that, as a society, we are creating more and more of these kids - sometimes (maybe?) because we want to give them "better" than what we had... I don't relate this comment to basic "rights and wrongs", but more on teaching kids work ethic, the value of money, etc. I know I struggle with how I've raised my own son. He is 13 now, a great kid in all advanced classes with good grades, but he's not the hardest worker I've ever met. I know I've done that! His dad and I separated when he was 2 and we share custody, so I didn't want his time spent with me to be filled with work and chores. I've been working on giving him more duties and responsibilities around the house, but sometimes it is easier to just do it myself. However, I realize that "easier" is NOT the right way to raise him, so it's a work in progress. Anyway, didn't mean to hijack, but personally, I'm highly concerned about the next generation...

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Kim

I struggle with being "too nice" w/ my kids--because of who their father was during the marriage, and because of the divorce....so, I get where you're coming from.
But, since you and I are aware of the issue we can work on it!
My boys complain and whine about chores--but they do them. They complain about school and homework--but they do it (and are A/B Honor Roll students).
Both listen to my SO better than they listen to me--and I think it's just the whole positive male role model thing (that and SO treats them w/ respect and doesn't yell/scream at them, or trivialize their opinions, or humiliate them)

I know that sometimes, kids are just kids--and will behave badly regardless of upbringing. Have seen it.

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Mental that one, I'm telling you. ---Ron Weasley, "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets"

Truer words have never been spoken!


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Here's my line. My kids know implicitly NOT to cross it.

X

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Then Jesus said, "Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28

yeah, so the little brat came home....and proceeded to tell his mom he didn't care about or love her, and said he was just gonna leave again.

She asked me what she had done wrong. *sigh* I didn't have it in me to tell her while she had tears streaming down her face.

I told her she couldn't do anything at this point to change his attitude or his behaviour. If he wanted to leave, she should let him. She wanted to know if the brat could stay at my house. Ummm...NO! I don't want him around my kids, and he wouldn't last long at my house because he'd toe the line or I'd put him out.

Personally, I have no use for any of them right now--except for the oldest kid.
I can't deal with everyone else's crap--got enough of my own.

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Mental that one, I'm telling you. ---Ron Weasley, "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets"