Penn State Replaces Entire Student Body with Interim Student Body
40,000 Replacement Fans to Attend Nebraska Game

STATE COLLEGE, PA (The Borowitz Report) – Responding to Wednesday night’s rioting in support of ousted football coach Joe Paterno, the board of trustees of Penn State University today took the extraordinary step of replacing the entire student body with an interim student body.

“After careful consideration, we decided we had to make a change,” said trustee Harley Manvers. “Hopefully, these interim students won’t be such jackasses.”

Mr. Manvers said that finding 40,000-plus new students in time to attend Saturday’s game against Nebraska was a “daunting task.”

“We needed to find a large number of people with absolutely nothing going on in their lives,” he said. “Fortunately, we found them on Twitter.”

Tracy Klugian, an ousted Penn State junior who rioted in support of Mr. Paterno Wednesday night, expressed sadness at the scandal enveloping his former alma mater.

“What happened years ago was a terrible tragedy,” he said. “But it didn’t have to wreck an 8-1 season.”