In Positive Economic Sign, Walmart Customers Killing Each Other to Buy ****
Pepper Spraying, Homicide Bullish Indicators, Economists Say

MINNEAPOLIS (The Borowitz Report) – In what economists are hailing as a clear sign of economic recovery, Walmart customers across the USA jammed into stores on Black Friday, sometimes killing each other to buy useless ****.

“We have been looking for evidence that the economy is on the mend,” said Davis Logsdon, chairman of the economics department at the University of Minnesota. “When people resort to homicide to buy a Blu-ray player, that is very, very good news indeed.”

Mr. Logsdon said he was “impressed” by the lengths to which some Walmart customers were going to grab coveted sale items: “They’re using tactics we usually associate with the UC-Davis police.”

With many customers using pepper spray and other weapons to get a shopping advantage, however, Mr. Logsdon advised Americans not to enter a Walmart unarmed.

“If you want to get your hands on a doorbuster, you’d better have a firearm,” he said. “Fortunately, Walmart is offering several great doorbusters on firearms.”

Walmart and other retailers’ decision to commence their Black Friday sales a day early carries with it an added benefit for consumers, he noted: “Now, Americans will be able to declare bankruptcy one day earlier.”

All in all, Dr. Logsdon said that the increased violence and mayhem at retail outlets across the country was “a testament to the greatness of the American consumer.”

“Egyptians risk their lives for new government,” he said. “Americans bravely do the same for new flat screens.”

Is this a joke? So if I get a gun and go down to my local WalMart and shoot people out to get a deal it means the economy is improving? Well let's all grab our guns, knives, pepper spray and baseball bats so we can get this economy back on track in no time.

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The political system is broke and it's a joke.

It's satirical. Andy Borowitz is a comedian.

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If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition, and then admit that we just don't want to do it.

- Stephen Colbert.

Are some of us a little tired and grumpy from cooking a big turkey dinner?

What bothers me is how difficult it is to apply these tactics to online shopping. Unless I start on the SQL injections now, Monday's going to be a bust

Well you could shoot your computer. There are times when I want to do that.

I guess I'm partially at least an idiot.

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The political system is broke and it's a joke.

Not even partially. Sometimes satire just doesn't register, particularly on this board where you seldom see it. It's like that old saying if you hear hoof beats behind you, think horses not zebras. In this case it was a zebra.

Hehe! We braved the Walmart BF sales, my Walmart was well organized, calm and I got everything I went for. The next day I was watching on U-Tube all the "riots" at Walmarts all over the US of people trying to get all the same stuff we got and it was crazy! People grabbing and fighting, pushing and shoving and cussing each other out, unbelievable!

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