Hi all..this may be long and rambling but I am very confused and I would like some feedback and honest opinions. I have a son, 19 yo..first year in college. His father called me today and told me to check out our son's myspace...seems he said on it he was gay.

now, of course this is a shock to us..and to be honest I am disappointed..although IF it is true I can accept it after of course I have time to think it thru. However, I truly do not believe that he is gay.

He has never ever once "acted " gay in any way, shape or form..no offensive to any gays, it is just you know, sometimes you can pick up on this. He went to proms with females, he told us he liked girls..he even had a little girlfriend in middle school. When he was small..around age 5 or so..he never once said he was attracted to boys or so forth..and don't gays usually know at an early age they are attracted to the same sex ? He went to dances with girls, and would comment on if a girl was pretty or not.

He also had male friends, and I believe they would of said something to me over the years if they thought my son was "gay" ( you know how teen boys can be ).

my ds was a virgin when he went to college...and he had sex with a female..which he called me and told me about . I guess however he also had a sexual partner who was male as well..

I asked my son if he was sure because he has slept with a female and one male..and maybe it is such a heady time, he is thinking he is gay ? Honestly, I have never any reason to ever believe he was gay growing up...

My dh says he may be going thru a phase...do you think so ?

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Live, Love, Laugh

Maybe he was testing the waters to make sure before he told anyone. Some people who are gay do date, have girlfriends, etc. before they come out. Maybe he's finally comfortable enough to deal with this. Just support him and be there for him no matter what. He's your son and you love him.

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I've never lied to you. I've always told you some version the of truth.

I have a gay son he is 23 years old now all through high school he dated went to proms and always had a girl friend one day he came to me and told me he was gay he has been in the same relationship for the last 5 years. I love my son no matter what .he does not act or look gay no one who knows him would believe he is gay he has a large circle of friends male and female he holds a great job and goes to school he just bought his house with his friend, when he told me i just asked that he not show it in front of my young son and he respects my wishes i still sometimes think this is just something he is going threw and he will one day snap out of it but if not he is still my son and i love him no matter what. but yes it was a shock i would of never guessed and neither would all these cute girls that are after him.
i hope no one thinks bad of me for having a gay son he is a great kid and my biggest fear is how cruel people can be when they find out your gay.

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Tim
My Husband, My Love....Best Dad
You Were Taken From Us Way To Soon
Forever In Our Hearts
We Will Always Love You
2-18-69 TO 12-23-03
http://www.freewebs.com/mcgrathville/index.htm

your son may be confused a bit himself...this just may be something he is dealing with and he can't just give you a yes/no answer.
i don't think it is at all unusual for young people now to experiment...in some environments (some colleges) it is very accepted so people feel free to explore. (i'm not saying people are 'choosing' their sexuality, just that they can be more open about finding out what their sexuality is)
it must be a shock to find out something significant about someone you are close to and thought you knew everything about. but it sounds like you will be ready to accept him and support him whatever happens. that's really wonderful and he's very lucky to have such supportive parents.

stellatj, thank you for your very open and honest answer. I went to P-flag and read the section..for parents, questions you may have ? It did say it can be a shock and it needs time to fit in. I just would never ever guess in a million years he was gay and I think most parents of sons at one point in their lives wonder, is he gay ? Can I tell ? My son does not have a lisp , does not walk differently, he never ever talked to another boy on the phone or walked home from school with him. I am not trying to be funny please do Not feel I am making fun it is just I mean what can you say ? & then he slept with a female within days of sleeping with this male ? I would think he would be repulsed by a women if he was indeed gay. He would also, as a young boy, talk about getting married and having children one day.

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Live, Love, Laugh

Cubmom2, I know this is a hard time for you, but people who are "gay" are not so different from you and me. They don't talk or walk funny, they don't think differently, and they are amongst us as teachers, counselors, social workers, doctors, lawyers, men, women, etc. The difference happens to be that they are attracted/feel a stronger bond with the same sex. I learned a great lesson from a male friend who said, "I don't refer to you as Marilou, my hetrosexual friend. Call me your friend, not ____________, your "gay" friend." He had a good point.
From what I've been told, many of them don't come to terms with this until they are adults...they don't know as children. They are often involved in relationships with the opposite sex, but they are unhappy and things just don't work. But they try...because they want to conform to society. They cry over relationships like we do, they want companionship of a significant other, and they are some of the best friends you could ever ask to have. You are probably an incredible mom, and your son is probably just as incredible. Good luck with all of this. You didn't fail and your son is not the one with the problem...unfortunately, some members of society are the ones with the problem. Just MY opinion--please don't blast me! :-)

Marilou

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If you're not living on the edge, you're wasting space.

I have a friend who didn't admit to anyone even himself that he was gay until he was about 30. All of his life he dated women, I think more because he didn't want to face the fact and actually admit he was gay. Also his father was a public official and he didn't want to embarrass him. He had a bad drinking problem and his life was a mess, until he gave into his heart.

When he told me, I was SO surprised, but it all made sence after I thought about it and he has never been happier. You can see his changed life now and not everyone knows, just the closest people (his father passed away just before he came out), but there is a period of adjustment for everyone. All of your dreams for him need to change now and that is a hard thing to do, but just be supportive and don't judge. It was hard for him to admit it to anyone, even himself.

Good luck.

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"A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked." ~ Bernard Meltzer

What I would do is first take a deep breath and ask yourself... Am I ready to hear "yes I am" or "no I am not". After you can answer that question I would go to him and ask. You obviously have a very open relationship with him that I think if you asked he would tell you.

If you find out he is you need to educate yourself. Find out what he is going through and what he needs. You have to remember right now this is not about you and I know you hurt also. But this belongs to him not that it does not affect you but it is his.

Remember when that little boy was born what did you say before you had him.... I hope he is a healthy child. Remember that he is the healthy child you wanted and with your relationship with him should not change. By you going to him this may help him because then he will not have to "come out" by himself. He will know that you don't care either way. He is still your little boy.

Again maybe this is a phase..In college it is very acceptable to be Bi. It is the thing to be with young adults. So sit back relax and have a talk with your healthy baby boy.
I know this has to be hard and this will be a trying experience but please read my quote it says everything.

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cmemaloy@yahoo.com


I'd rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not.

Life! is a coin. You can spend it anyway you wish, but you can only spend it once.

Maybe posting on MySpace was his way of coming out. Not all gays are like they are on Will & Grace. They just are people who don't fit societies norm. You cann't change them to like the opposite sex, you just have to except them.

Stellatj, nobody thinks less of you or your son.

My son 7 year old has been in speech therapy for 2 years now trying to rid him of his lisp. A lisp doesn't make you gay, just means you cann't pronounce some sounds correctly.

Not saying it is right or wrong, but I know of people who put that on their myspace kidding around...

Just a different thought.

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AKA: Airbornearmywife

Cubmom2,

Try to visit this website: http://www.nas.com/downsyn/holland.html

I think it's amazing, and puts things into an inspiring perspective.

Granted, the author actually wrote it when she discovered that her child would have Downs Syndrome, but I think the theme and message is so helpful, and relevant to your situation. If your son is, in fact gay, you will sort of grieve for the loss of the person you thought your son was, but then you will plan for and love the son you truly have.

It will be a real journey, and you'll do a lot of learning. I think the members of this board have offered amazing insight already, and you have so much to think about! But I hope you get a chance to read that little article. I think you'd like it, and it would help you put your love for your son into perspective. Good luck to you both!

The most important thing you can do is to not give any kind of negative judgement. He is your son and his sexual orientation does not matter one bit to the human race or to God despite what hypocrites say.

By being open, positive, accepting, etc your son will know that you love him and accept him no matter what.

No judgements.

He is your son and whether he is a good person and lives a fulfilling and successful life has no connection to his sexual orientation.

He is the same person he always was and he most likely did not tell you because he does not want to disappoint you or not have your approval or acceptance.

I will pray for you to accept this and to keep your son knowing he can trust you and you love him.

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The political system is broke and it's a joke.

Just love your son for who he is and try to be as supportive as possible. There are many men who are gay who have wives and have been married for years ith children but had to suppress their sexuality because of societal bias and discrimination. I have known gay men who are effeminate and just as many who are the most masculine and macho men that I know-don't believe the stereotypes that are portrayed in the media. I know gay men who served proudly and heroically in the military, and there are plenty of gay men and women who serve our country proudly now. There are many family support groups like PFLAG that may be helpful to you. Good luck with this and just remember how much you love your son.

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Jocelyn



My babies are the joys of my life and keep me young:
The twins,Tatiana Gabrielle and William Joseph , 1/29/97, and baby boy, Jared Lawrence, 8/27/02.

cubmom2,

He is and always will be your son. What ever he decides I know you will still love him.

I have no advice or opinion to offer. I can tell you that I have known several gay people and they are wonderful people who are the first person who would help us if we needed help.

I just want to send you a hug.
Shirley

I wish I had some words of wisdom, but you've gotten so much great direction from all these compassionate friends already.

Be patient with yourself, and you'll find the way. You clearly love your son very much, so he is very lucky.

When I was in high school, my best friend was gay. I KNEW she was gay but no one else did. we double dated many many times. she always said it was so her parents wouldnt think anything. she went with the same guy for yrs , until we all graduated. he went into the service and she went off to college. at college, all her new friends knew she was gay but still, no one but me back home knew. Someone at college found out that her parents didnt know she was gay and decided it was the best to tell them so they found out their number and called her mom up and told her that her daughter was gay. the mom flew all to &^%$ in a handbasket and called her up at school and told her she had to come home the next weekend , it was a family emergency. she went home and walked into her parents and the preacher waiting for her. they screamed and yelled and the preacher tired to pray her straight. she left . didnt go home again till spring break ( about 4 months) when she did go home, her parents let her in the house but didnt speak to her while she was home. she finally graduated and moved about 2000 miles away. it has been about 28 yrs and she is still living with her partener she met in college and she has not been back home. she sent cards and such for may yrs, they returned them unopened. gifts back also. I just dont see how her parent could do this to her. She is still the same person that they raised up. still their daughter. her mom has said that if they didnt let her go away to college , she would have never became gay. heck she was gay long before they found out. lol.
she said at school, away from her parents, she could be herself. at home, she had to be who they thought she was. someone she wasnt.
she is very happy and I just hate that her parents are so narrow minded that they cant see she is still the same person she was.

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·´`·.(*·.¸(`·.¸ ¸.·´)¸.·*).·´`·
«·´¨*·.¸¸. Jo ¸¸.·*¨`·»
«·´`·.(¸.·´(¸.·* *·.¸)`·.¸).·´`·»


Please leave feedback for me here.
http://www.mycoupons.com/boards/g-l/...-littlejo.html



gretchengirl@gmail.com

http://lifewithlittlejo.blogspot.com/

Well I would flip my lid too but of course I would still accept my kids for who they are

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mom of 3 greats girls

Your son is your son regardless of his preferences. Sometimes you just have to keep a silent tongue and let them live their own lives. If you MUST say something-just please ask him to be sure to have safe relationships so that his life won't get ruined by someone else's carelessness. I mean what else can you do..

ClubMom
It sounds to me as if you are ready to support your son whatever the outcome. That is so much more than other parents are in the same situation. How did your husband see this on your son's MySpace? Does he know you monitor his page? If so, this might have been his way to comfortably broach the subject with him. I feel that you will be be respectful with him when you do speak with him---I do not see you flying off the handle and possibly sending your son the message that you would be unaccepting. I feel that the very fact that you are asking for guidance shows you genuinely care what the best approach will be.
I have many gay friends and even family members. Some are jerks some are great---just like every other category of people on earth. If you love, admire and respect your son, that will not change. If he asks for your help, give him your assurance that you will be there for him in any case.

It is true that there is often experimentation in sexuality in college years; however, the fact that you state that your son had a girlfriend in middle school, but apparently only went to "events" such as proms with females in high school, would tend to lead me to guess that he could be gay. But, could be wrong.

I agree with others here who say your dreams and wishes for your son may have to change with this revelation, but that just means they change, not die. Hang in there. You will all get through this -- bumps, bruises and all. Just remember you all need to respect each others fears, questions, doubts and work through them all together.

Like I said, the fact that you are questioning and asking for help really show how much you care are willing to learn and continue loving. That is a definite plus!!

Hugs to you and yours!

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"Well-Behaved Women SELDOM make history."Laurel Thatcher Ulrich


"Yesterday is but a vision, and tomorrow is only a dream. But today well lived makes every yesterday a dream of happiness, and every tomorrow a dream of hope." Anonymous

"Your candle does not lose it's light by lighting another candle" Generosity

Have the courage to be yourself.

My next door neighbor's have been married for right at 20 years, They have 3 near grown sons also.
7 Months ago, the wife came out of the closet and told her husband she was gay. He didn't have a clue about her true feelings. He told me she never said anything, acted anyway diffrent, nada. He was in total shock as her 3 sons. They just signed the divorce papers a few weeks ago.
She has moved the girlfriend in the home and the hubby moved out the weekend she told him this. I'm sure his ego was shot to heck and back to learn after nearly 20 years of being married and having 3 children to learn your spouse is gay. But, he took it really well. He still talks to her, helps her with the home, the kids, bills ECT ECT. He said, If she's happy then thats all that matters. Of course he would rather her be happy as a married couple rasing the boys, but He said there's nothing he can change about the way she feels , so he will have to accept her as she is.

I really beleive there's not a parent in the world that wants their child to be gay. every parent wants the chance to be a grandparent to BIO-Grandchildren, have their moment walking their daughter down the isle and all the good stuff that comes with the dreams we have for them. However, Life isnt always that bed of roses and people are not the same as their parentsand the dreams they have for them.

As a Mother of 7 children, 4 girls and 3 boys, I would be totally disapointed if one of mine were to be gay, However, I have lived my life by the chocies I made and I stand by them as well. I would also stand my my childrens choices too.I would want my child(ren) to know I support them , love them However, they would also know I didn't agree with their choices with whom they are sharing their life with. But on that same hand, I would also feel and do the same if they were in a straight marriage also. I have 1 child thats remarried, I don't get in their business and will usually not give advice unless they push me into it. I love her , suport her, but I also want her to know I'm there for her no matter what or whom shes with.

Sometimes, we have to let go and know you have done your best ( thats if you are totally against same sex marriages ) Know that this is *their* choice and accept they are an adult with real feelings even if it's not what we wanted for them.
If you do talk to him about this, Try to keep a open mind, allow him to share his feleings with you. and before he leavesfor the night let him know YOU LOVE HIM NO MATTER WHAT. This will help you and him get thru this.

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MyCoupons Is #1 for Holiday Shopping

I think that the hardest thing about having a child who is gay would be knowing how hard peers will be on them. Society does not treat gays well. It has come a long way but there are still so many who have not accepted it. I don't condone that lifestyle but I do feel empathy for the gay person.

Maybe it is as your husband thinks and just a passing phase. All he needs from you is your unconditional love. Littlejo's story broke my heart. How could parents do that? Wow.

That story broke my heart i cant understand how a parent can turn their back on their child
the reason my son told me was a good friend of his told his family he dad told him that the rest of the family was going out to dinner and when they got back he better not be gay anymore. they came home to a son who took his life a young man 17 years old he could not handle the rejection from his own family and killed himself my son was the family support during the funeral and still visits wiith the boys mom

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Tim
My Husband, My Love....Best Dad
You Were Taken From Us Way To Soon
Forever In Our Hearts
We Will Always Love You
2-18-69 TO 12-23-03
http://www.freewebs.com/mcgrathville/index.htm

My daughter did the same thing on her MySpace page. When I asked her she said she did it to be funny. She also has listed on MySpace that she's divorced when she's 23 and single. Kids like to do things for the shock value. I know for a fact my daughter is straight and not divorced. And, if she were gay I'd love her just as much as I do now.

Michele

"Being" gay IS NOT A CHOICE!

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Mental that one, I'm telling you. ---Ron Weasley, "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets"

Using the term * CHOICE* wasn't to apply they chose to be this way, It's meant in saying they CHOSE to have a life partner to share it with. You can be straight, gay or what ever and not *CHOSE* to share your life with a person. Many people in the world are gay but never go on to have a relationship with the same sex. As many are straight and never go on to share their life with someone.
Either way, I would still be disappointed, but I love my children and will stand by them.

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MyCoupons Is #1 for Holiday Shopping

I find this particular attitude disheartening (and this is not directed at any one poster). So, it's ok to be gay as long as a person doesn't act upon their feelings? I don't understand. We don't expect "straight" persons to NOT act upon their feelings toward the opposite sex.

Maybe I'm too liberal. Maybe I've seen too many children who's parents said "you're my child and I love you" but behaved in the polar opposite of what those words meant. I don't know.

One of my children being gay would only cause me concern because of how badly gays continue to be treated, and misjudged.

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Mental that one, I'm telling you. ---Ron Weasley, "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets"

You are trying to read more into my post than whats there.

Perfect example
I have a 52 year old Aunt, She has NEVER EVER not once dated a man or woman that we ever known of. She has made her **choice***in her life to NOT share it with male or female. We are all fine with this, She led her life and done as she wanted, Who are we to tell her she had to make a *Choice* After all we lived ours the way we wanted to.But she is not my child, a child is diffrent than a Aunt.

Now take me.
I have been married 3 times, they ALL were my *choice* in life. I choose to marry, divorce, remarry divorce and remarry yet again. I stand by what I choose to do with *MY* Life.

As far as feelings go. It is a *Choice* we make to act on them wheter or not one is straight or gay. ANY feelings good or bad are done based on the way we choose to act once we have that feeling.

If one of my children came to me and said Mom I'm gay and I want to live with XXX . Altho their *Choice* to live this way( with the same sex NOT being gay ) is not what I would had wanted It's NOT my choice to make, But I'll stand by the *Choice* of my child and the life style they are wanting to live.

I do belive a person makes choices and once they make it good or bad will always be picked apart by others..

Personally I really dont care if a person is gay or straight thats not what makes the world go around.
It's the *PERSON* themself that makes the world what it is.

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MyCoupons Is #1 for Holiday Shopping

I'm very conservative, but I agree with you. I don't think it's a choice. There was a time in my life when I did, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that it's not a choice. You're attracted to who you're attracted to. I could not make the choice to be attracted to women, so I'm assuming that those who are gay are the same as I am; they cannot help who they are attracted to.

I'm not directing this at anyone in this thread; it's just my viewpoint on this issue.

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Gina J.

Proud Army Wife and Coast Guard Mom

I think annadrose said it best. I don't think we choose our sexual orientation, it is who we are. It is how God made us. I have a nephew who is gay and I would take 100 like him over a few of my hetrosexual nephews. Most of our family feels the same way. It's his wonderful, kind, giving heart we love, who he wants to date we could care less. My sis & bil at first had a hard time with it at first. He is their only child and they thought we won't have grandkids. But who knows maybe one day he will found a partner and they will adopt.

stellatj no one thinks bad of you for having a gay son, or your son for being who God made him If people give you or him a hard time, they was never your friend to begin with.

Hugs to both of you loving mom, them boys of yours are sure lucky to have moms like you two.

ITA, well said.

I don't think as a straight person, I would go around saying I was gay? Would you? What would be the point in that? Shock value?





OP have you talked to your son about it yet?

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"A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked." ~ Bernard Meltzer

I'm gonna second (or third, or fourth or fifth) the fact that MYSPACE is huge right now. Everyone is on there and it could well be that he's doing it for shock value.

However, if he's not, you will work through it. Just don't be that kind of parent that thinks it's a perfect world and cover it up/ignore it. That causes no love to be given and love is what makes the world go around. My grandmother did that with my dad's drinking problem 20 years ago and he's still an alcoholic. (Trust me, I'm still working on him but I love him and he knows it, no matter what)

In all honesty, I had many gay friends in high school and at my last job there were 75% male gay guys, all sweethearts. Aids is the biggest concern and I did lose a friend to AIDS.

As a mother of girls, I feel it would be a little different just because the majority of gays have been males, but it's life and I went through 3 IVFs to have them. Hell if I would turn my back on them any day.

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Cheryl
dolphinslady@yahoo.com
Mom to Kayla & Lexi, 6 yo

I Have 2 Gay Granddaughters. Thank You God For Both Of Them. They Are Smart And Healthy And I Couldn't Be Prouder Of Them. Their Sexuality And Lifestyles Are None Of My Business Or Anyone Elses. I Have Met All Of Their Friends And They Are Normal People Who Live Productive Lives. What More Could You Ask Of A Person?
Life Is Too Short To Worry About What Everyone Else Is Doing..just Do The Best You Can Do..after All You Are The Only One You Are Responsible For.

Amist all of the posts, the thing I find the hardest to deal with is that many people would be "disappointed" if their child was gay. I just don't understand that??? We want our kids to be happy....period. If my 7 year old told me he liked boys we would work with him on expressing those feelings in an appropriate way, just the same as if he had feelings for girls. We aren't raising our kids with any expectation of them being gay or straight. That way, there isn't any "shock" or "disappointment". I guess we are the minority but it's helped us so far. Not saying anyone should adapt our ways...just expressing my view.

If I were going to come out and say I'm gay, I think knowing your parents would be disappointed in you would simply be heartbreaking. I can't imagine that. Too many heartbreaking stories. People can be so cruel.

OP, perhaps your son is trying to find his identity and right now, he's more comfortable saying he's gay instead of he is bi. I have 3 bi friends and they all had relationships with the opposite sex first and then came out as gay. It took them awhile to realize they were bi. somehow, it seems more acceptable to be gay or straight but a lot more people look down on bi-sexuals (at least in my experince). Be supportive and don't EVER let him know you are disappointed that he said he is gay. You can say you are disappointed he didn't tell you first but maybe it was easier for him to post knowing you would see if???
Hugs in any case.

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Proud to say I haven't shopped at a Wal-Mart since Sept 2003

From the medical standpoint, (I have been a RN for 35+ years-) does everyone understand that all fetuses are female first? A fetus becomes male IF the "right" hormone load gets delivered at the "right" time and IF the fetus has the "right" receptors to receive the hormones. When you look at the process there is a HUGE margin for error. Why is anyone surprised that the process does not go perfectly? The hormones got there 6 hours too late, the receptors did not take upthe hormones correctly. Crazy! So- if one can understand or believe that premise, then I am more surprised that the dominant society is 100% anything. No one signs up to be gay- no one signs up to be straight. We are who we are. There is not one culture in any time since the beginning of man which did not have people with varying sexualities. Personally, I don't think it is any of my business who is the object of "your" desire as long as it is not ME!! There have been times when I have had to ask someone which gender the person is- only beccause I have to assign a same sex hospital room. I have had LOTS of gay friends/relatives and lots of heterosexual friends/relatives through out the years (and a couple unknowns), I am more concerned with if they eat pork or shrimp, which wine do they like, what is their favorite color, and will they be timely- I hate people who come late!! My 2¢s

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Lyn Clarke

(((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))

We all have dreams for our kids, we all have visions of who they are. It's okay for that to change. He is still your son.

Stella, HUSH, why would we think less of you??? Not at all!!

Carrie made an excellent point that really stuck out for me. When he was born, you wished for a healthy child. Go back to basics.

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Not all those that wander are lost.

You are so strong and loving.. I think he may just be trying to find himself. I know at 19 and in college that is what you do. I've had friends that theought they were gay and then ended up they were just experimenting. Just keep talking to him and see his feelings. We are all here if you need us for those hard moments.

<<<<Amist all of the posts, the thing I find the hardest to deal with is that many people would be "disappointed" if their child was gay. I just don't understand that???.......If I were going to come out and say I'm gay, I think knowing your parents would be disappointed in you would simply be heartbreaking. I can't imagine that. >>>>>>

To me, if I learned that my child was gay. being "disappointed" and being "disappointed in my child" are two very different things.

I don't think that even one person on this board suggested that they would be disappointed in their child, if he or she confided that they were gay. In fact, I'm very moved by all of the responses, and how virtually everyone felt they would love their child no matter what, and would just learn to deal with the disappointment of hearing news that is initially hard to accept. I thought every parent who responded sounded ready to be supportive, though. I hope the OP has been able to read this into the posts, as well.

I really hope this post made sense - I'm really touched by the responses, and feel that this group of responders are incredibly sensitive and supportive on such a big issue.