Hi ladies!
Perhaps it's not the best time to be depressing but I need a shoulder and some voices of reason....
In November, two days before my 30th birthday, my husband informed me that "this just isn't working for him" and that he doesn't think he wants to "be in a relationship anymore." We've been married for going on nine years (yeah, we married very young) and we have two children (ages 2 & 3)-- things haven't always been great but they haven't been horrible either. At least I thought..... I quit my job and went back to school so money is tight, we don't have a lot of time for each other between work and school and our girls. We had our babies very close together so we didn't get a break between them and of course they are a little hard to deal with at 2 & 3 in terms of trying your patience and all.

Right now there's not much we can do except tough it out. He has nowhere to go, I have nowhere to go. He REFUSES to see a counselor, either together or separately. He says he never wanted kids in the first place and that this hasn't been working for him for a long time (news to me). He doesn't even really like even being around our kids, unless they are being perfectly behaved. And I know he doesn't really like being around me anymore even though I have been trying as best as I can. I don't fight or pick or nag at him, I do whatever I can for him,-- it just doesn't seem to be getting any better.

I think what he wants is to be able to be like his single buddies and be able to go out when he wants,sleep whenever and as much as he wants, and watch sports on TV all day long if he wants without being interrupted. I think he would really like only having to deal with his kids a couple days a month when it's convenient for him. My mom thinks it's a midlife thing come early. (And I'm pretty sure he's not cheating-- I know that he has NO money to spend on a girlfriend and only a limited amount of time and I have seen no evidence of it, though maybe I'm just naive.)

The long and short of it is this: I don't know what to do. I grew up without a dad and I wanted a two-parent household for our girls (before all this happened this was even a conversation we had and it was something we were both adamant about), but I know that seeing a bad relationship between their parents can also do a lot of damage. I don't want to be on my own with two small children, no job, and four more years of school left. And I really don't think it's fair that he just gets to decide this isn't for him, but then he still gets to be in the girls' lives when it's easy and convenient for him.

Has this ever happened to any of you? Does it ever work itself out and get better? Can you get past your husband telling you he no longer wants to be with you? Any ideas on how to fix things? I think I just need someone besides my mom telling me it's going to be okay, you know? I need an objective observer-- any thoughts?

my thoughts are men are such kids sometimes. My son and daughter-in-law went through this same thing a year or so ago. Their kids are 5 and 2 and the 2yo is extremely difficult - very energetic. My son all of a sudden didn't think he wanted to do it anymore. I'm not the type of mother or mother in law who butts in but I finally did take my son aside after listening to my daughter in law's complaints and crying and I told him more or less to get his head out of his a$$ and stop thinking of himself. He got married for better or worse, richer or poorer, etc etc and NOT till he got bored. This was just a phase in a long lifetime of ups and downs. I also told him that his father and I had been married for 30 years and not all of them were happy or easy. We got from one year to the next because of acommittment we made to each other. He's settled down and they've bought a huge new home with all the trimmings and seem to be happy. Maybe he's just getting better at keeping secrets from me and his wife but what I don't know won't hurt me (or him).

I want to think if you give your husband time maybe he'll get over this particular phase of his life and get on with being a father and husband. Take it a day at a time and hang in there. Leave it in his hands. As for your kids - they won't be 2 & 3 forever. I hope he can learn to enjoy them because really this is the best time of their lives. They are so cute and innocent at this age. God Bless You, honey. My prayers are with you. If I could be there in person I'd give him a kick in the rear for you.

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I have have been in your shoes and I feel for you. A few years ago I was in a very similar situation. Mine just blurted out he didnt love me anymore. Ouch! I was devistated to say the least and had no idea what to do. He kept telling me it wasnt me it was him and he needed to get out and be alone. I fought so hard to try and save it and he just didnt want too. He moved out and for months I stayed depressed. I had to move out of my house and into an apartment because I couldnt stand to even be in the house. My son was older than your children he was in his teens but it was still really hard on him.

I had alot of support from his family who just didnt understand what happened. Him and I never fought and were always close. Well after he moved out. He wasnt nearly as happy as he thought he would be. Oh sure when I saw him he would pretend to be having the time of his life. Well about a year later he finally talked to me and told me he was sorry. He cried and told me that he did love me and just didnt know what got into him. He said living on his own was the most lonely experience and he missed his family. We both dated some while we were apart but both of us never got serious with anyone. Anyways we started dating again ( I wouldnt let him come home after so long) and getting to know eachother again. We finally after a few months of talking and dating moved back home and we have been back together every since. In fact in April we are renewing our vows.

One word of advice and I know this is hard but I learned the hard way. Don't push him to work on things. The more I tried to work things out the more I pushed him away. Once I finally got over it and moved on is when he decided to talk to me. Even though he didnt go to a therapist I did. Was the best thing I did. She helped me to figure out alot and understand things.

I am very sorry you are going through this, If you need someone to talk to feel free to pm me . I am always here if you need a shoulder.

You can go to counseling yourself, without him, to help figure things out. Could it be something else besides your relationship? You said you didn't think he is having an affair, but are there any other problems? Alcohol, drugs, low self esteem on his part, past problems with his family of origin that have never been resolved, these things come out for people to deal with eventually and alot of times the person uses some other excuse (their current relationship) to blame it on because they don't want to deal with what's REALLY going on (even though they may not realize what's going on). I don't mean for you to answer any of these questions here, just some things to think about. Sometimes it's not about the current relationship at all, but about something else that needs to be resolved, the current relationship is just the closest thing to blame it on. How would he feel being single if you were to give him custody of the kids, or half and half time with the kids, the alimony, the child support, things won't look so great to him being single if you point out a few possible realities. Don't let him off easy with his responsibilities, it won't be as nice as he thinks it might be.

I was him. Not to that degree, but I kept thinking, "If only it were this way..." or "...he were that way." I thought I wanted to be free. I've kinda grown up in the last year. I see what I have and I appreciate it. I adore it, our relationship and my DH. Still have our issues, everyone does, but I realize there is no such thing as a Prince Charming.
I have no real advice for you, just (((((((HUGS)))))))) and you are in my thoughts and prayers. Hopefully, he will come around and see what he's walking away from. As an adult, you just dont always get that free time with buddies, or the luxury of walking away everytime something bothers you.

I hope things work out for you. I'm sorry you're going through this.

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Not all those that wander are lost.

My first thought is he cheating on you? I don't want to be blunt and hurt your feelings..but any guy or gal does have time for a affair..It doesn't take any money ..It could happen while he is at work or while your in school. You can get past anything you want too as long as you two love each other and are willing to make things work


Do you have Caller Id? check it when he is not around and see if you notice any calls during the day..see if you notice a pattern of incoming calls.. There is a program out there on web called "Caller Id Spoofing"--police and detectives used to make appear someone else is calling--This program is used easily by cheaters they call the number and can punch any name & number they wish too to have appear on the caller Id.. If you have the slightest bit of doubt ...You can buy a phone recorder at radio shack they are easily installed and will record both parties..the only time you can hear it is when the the tape runs out and the button pops up...but they are illeagal when you don't have one of the two parties consent..I have one but in my case it not illegal to use..I'm the constenting party and the state laws protect me..I have a bill collector that refuses to believe he has the wrong number and keeps on demanding that I have this person to call him..Well I done some detective work online and found out how easily this guy has failed to do his job and just wants to make my life H^ll..He is using caller id spoofing and am about ready to hit this guy with a lawsuit.. I have a hard time remembering because of B-12 def and changing my number is difficult for me I refuse to learn a new phone number besides that I'm afraid he will get my new number and it wil all start over again..

Start checking the mileage on his car..See if you notice an excess amount.Alot of people who found out their spouses was cheating on them don't t pick up on any of the signs that was there. just be more aware of his actions and see if you notice anything

For him to say he didn't want children well it took two to tango..He should of made it vey clear to you before you got pregant that he didn't want kids.

As far as counseling..He doesn't have to go, but you can go see a counselor to help you. Could it be he is jealouse that your going back to school and he see you have the freedom that he doesn't have? I wouldn't walk on eggshells let him know how much you love him and you want to make things work.Is there anyone who can babysit for you so you can really talk to him without the kids there?


I hope everything works out for you..your in my thoughts and prayers.

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Angels may not come when you call them, but they'll always be there when you need them.

I went through the same thing and really, you can do it... You can work, go to school and be a great Mom to your children. Staying with someone who does not want to be with you, is not healthy for you or the children. I feel that you can not "make" someone love you or be a Dad, he will have to find out for himself what he wants.

I don't think you can make him be a Dad or make him love you. What you can do assumming you decide to divorce is to offer him scheduled visitation, if he chooses to not participate, overtime you can stop his parental rights. In the mean time, love your children and build a life for them.

I stayed too long and wasted a good chunk of my life waiting for him to "change his mind" and love me..... If he's not cheating now sooner or later he will want to and you will have wasted your life when he does ....

I feel so bad that your going through this, I hope that you too work it out, but its really healthier for your children to grow up with one loving parent then know that their Dad doesn't want to be with their Mom or them......

I have to agree with Angel38. My ex husband was cheating and I had no clue. You dont need alot of time or monwy to cheat.
If he wants to be free, let him. The harderyou push or pull the worse its going to be. And yes he may see that it isnt as easy out there on his own as he thought but you dont want him to stay because it is easier financailly. You do not want him there just because he cant afford to live on his own. He came out and told you that he didnt think it was working. Why would you want to stay? Maybe go to a friends house or a relatives for a little bit and see if the space makes things any different. If not then prepare to change your life...

Go and talk to a profesional by yourself. This will help YOU. If you have achurch home seek the guidance of your pastor or their guidance services.
I just say that I feel for your children. Children should never have to have the feeling that they are a burden or that there is limit to the time that they can spend with a parnet. (Shame on him!!)
I am praying for you through this.

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I would go to counseling yourself, without him. Do you go to church? Either way pray everyday. Read power of a praying wife. You will get through this. Your kids are at such a hard age, very needy. Can you go to counseling? I would just take one day at a time. I would stay and just give him as much positive attention as you can.

Boilergirl,

I can't give you advise on a personal level because I have never been through this before but from having watched others my advise is to put yourself first. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself. Get couseling from where ever you feel comfortable. By taking care of yourself you will set the example for your children. Eat right even if you don't feel like eating. Exercise even if it's just a walk around the block. Save up your change a splurge on something for yourself even if it's a bottle of shower gel!

As for the man you are married to...he needs to wake up and smell the coffee! If it's the single life he wants then give it to him...he cooks, he cleans, he shops, etc just like the single guys. If you have to stay together in the same house due to $$ reasons then he needs to move out of your bed. If he can't help out with the kids then he needs to pay for the sitter.

You said you grew up without a dad and you didn't want to have your children do the same. What kind of dad do they have right now? Is he dad when it's convienient for him? Gosh pal, that's not the way the game is played! When you are a dad it's 24/7 just like mom. There is no paid time off! You can't sit around and wait for him to decide. He needs to engage in some COMMUNICATION and now. This is not a game and your children's personalities are forming now. Set the example for them...strength, dignity, responsibility.

You are in my thoughts,
ellenboll

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Mom to Miss C & Mr. E
Former SAHM now working full time
feboll@neo.rr.com

I really like what Ellen said...YOU have to take care of YOU! I tired to get my ex-husband (we were married for 23 years) to go to counseling, but he didn't think we needed it. We went a couple of times together, and then I started going alone. It was, by far, one of the best things I ever did. I began to work on ME. I couldn't fix him...but I could fix myself. I'm the one in our relationship who wasn't happy. I put up with his drinking, gambling, and even him hitting me...but when I began to feel worthless, it was time to get out. I'm not saying that he has someone else, but sometimes a "catalyst" of some sort helps you make that move. Talk to him, openly. Just know that you probably have a bigger support team than you realize and that you are so much stronger than you know!!! My prayers are with you.--Marilou

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If you're not living on the edge, you're wasting space.

I'm really sorry you're going through this. The same thing happened to me when my DS was 2 1/2. His dad just decided that he didn't want to be a dad anymore. I tried to make it work, but pretty soon you will realize that you are doing everything and it's just not healthy. I didn't want to be a single mom and I didn't know how I would support myself and DS either. When I thought about it later, I realized that I had basically already been a single mom with as little as he did with our child. We finally split up and he just about lost it when he found out how much he would have to pay in child support. It took me a while to get it together, but then I realized how much happier I was without him. I had been walking on eggshells for so long and he had really been bringing me down. I am not saying it was all easy, but it did turn out to be the best for both of us. After about a year, he realized that he really DID want to be a dad. He is now a wonderful father to our DS. We're both married now (to other people) and are much happier than we ever were together. I know marriage is a commitment, but it's hard to fulfill it on your own. I really hope you go with the other suggestions on here and try to get some counseling. But, I want you to know that this might not be the worst thing - especially if he's not there for you or the kids. You wanted them to grow up with two parents, but they won't grow up seeing a healthy relationship the way it sounds like it is now... I will keep you in my prayers and just know that everything will work out for the best.

Some people have the best sense of timing, don't they? Right before your birthday, during the holidays?

I remember going to a workshop once where we were told 95% of the partners who said they wanted out of a relationship were either in an affair, or their head had been significantly turned to someone other than their spouse. I'm not saying one way or another, but it's something to think about.

Of course, you could be right about him wanting to watch TV when he wants, but wait until he finds out he has to pay support for his children, then supports himself as well. There won't be time for watching TV if he has to work OT, there won't be money for beer, food, cable......it might be an eye opening experience for him. Has he sat down and figured what it will be if he moves out?

In any event - I'm sorry, I know this is hard and having a partner say something like that is a scary experience. And the time of the year makes it worse. Good luck, keep us updated.

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Catt
~ Mirror Mirror on the wall, I am my mother - after all! ~

Could he just possibly be feeling the presures of it all. The kids who are very little & on the go I know I have a 2 almost 3 yr old & the finances & all of it with you not working. Could you do something PT to help out? I am not saying its all of it or whatever but it could be a part of it when I went back to work after being a sahm I am now making as much as my dh he appreciates it alot he has never said it but you can tell the burden has been lifted from him. I also agree men are big babies I think thats why they have such a hard time having babies they still need to be babied.

When we had my middle dd which was my husbands first child he had a horrible time coping with being a new dad & it honestly didnt get better tell she was about 3 I cant believe we made it threw those times it wasnt easy I will tel u that but we both wanted things to work out for the kids we both came from divorced families & both agreed we wanted more for our kids. I hope this gives you hope lots of us have ups & downs some last for 1 or 2 yrs but sometimes we get threw & sometimes we dont but either way it wont be the end of the world I promise it wont be.

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mom of 3 greats girls

It sounds like you've already gotten a lot of great advice, but I do want to echo what many others have said. Just because he doesn't want to go to counseling doesn't mean you can't go on your own to help you through all of this. I went through a similar situation 5 years ago. My husband and I had been married for 9 years. I had an 18 mo. old, a 3 year old and a 6 year old. I was a SAHM, and I had no income of my own. We had just purchased a new house in a new town 900 miles away from my family when my husband told me that he didn't want to be a husband or father any more. (With him, it was an affair, although I NEVER would have expected it in a million years. ) I ended up going on government assistance. I lost my house, my car, and my self-esteem. It was 2 months before my 30th birthday, and I thought my life was over. I'm not telling you all of this to make you feel worse or doomed. My point is to say that I was at the absolute lowest point in my life, but it got better. We did end up getting divorced (he's now married to the woman he cheated with), but it wasn't the end of the world. I lost a lot of weight and began to develop some self-esteem again. With the help of counseling, I learned how to identify myself as someone other than a wife and mother. I went to college and finished last May. He was very uninteristed in our children for about 6 months, but he finally realized how much he does love his children, and now he's a great dad. We are now raising our children together but separately.

I can understand that you want to try to make your marriage work, and I completely respect that. I NEVER believed in divorce, and would have laughed at anyone who even suggested that I would end up divorced. So, I understand where you're coming from. But, you deserve more than a husband that tells you that he doesn't want to be your husband anymore, and fear and lack of money should not be the main things keeping you together.

I believe I'd tell him that if he wants out of the relationship, that's up to him.... but you'll be giving him FULL custody of the kids, because, well, you've got a lot of work to do in your life, too.

Or, he can be a grown-up and go to counselling with you.

Because #3, he goes back to being single and carefree, isn't an available option.

Really, I don't think it's so uncommon for people, men especially, to hit a patch where they think "This is so NOT what I signed up for!" and want out. You just can't go backwards, so you've gotta go forwards.

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"Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called the children of God." --Matthew 5:9

I have no sage words of advice but just wanted to let you know someone is thinking of you and the kids and sending you a Big {{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}} hope life settles down well for you soon. Bonnie

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All you can do is All you can do-- But All you can do is enough!!!

Oh....I haven't read any other responses but let me say I UNDERSTAND!
I've been married 20 years and about 3 months ago my husband told me he wasn't happy. We're not the type to argue or fuss and very seldom even disagree with one another. So this was a huge shock to me. I knew things had been "strained" for a few months but I just thought it was a process of life. After 20 years of marriage, some days, months or years are better than others for no apparent reason.
Anyway, I cried a lot and ask him to work with me and make things work. He said he would try but about a month later, he said it just wasn't working for him. I ask repeatedly if he was cheating and of course got the obligatory "no". He told me that girlfriends take time and money and he had neither. Well, I knew better. You do not end a 20 year marriage with 2 kids(ages 6 and 8, btw)just because you're not happy. I began to investigate and found out that he was indeed cheating on me. I had already filed for divorce before I had the actual proof though. We only told our kids last night about the divorce as we wanted them to make it through Christmas without the burden of what's going on. He's been sleeping in our daughter's bed (she sleeps with me)or on the couch for a while now.
I do not encourage divorce. But I also don't encourage staying in a loveless marriage. It will get you nowhere except hurt. The longer the marriage goes on, the worse it will be if/when the marriage ends. My soon to be ex is moving out tomorrow. In many ways, I'm glad. The stress and tension is unimaginable at times. On the other hand, it's very sad. It's like a death sentence, knowing the date and time.
I will add, that my dh had a lot of freedom to go out with his friends, come and go as he wanted and you see that didn't keep him faithful either. So even though you think your dh wants that, he probably doesn't.
My dh is a decent father, though for over a year he's stolen time from his own kids to be with a homewrecking *****. And now he's whining because the divorce papers show that he'll only have 52 days a year with his kids. It was 80 days but somehow when filed changed to 52. I have little sympathy for him because as I told him, he should have been home all that time he was with the tramp, eating dinner with his kids, watching TV with them and just enjoying the time with them. Now the thought of losing them is frightening to him. Oh well!
OP, you are in my thoughts. I'm sending many hugs your way. If you want to talk, PM me and we can email. I really do understand how you feel right now and I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. Keep your chin up, stay strong and just be there for your kids....they'll need you!

While I have not been in your shoes, I have known many who have been. I feel that your DH is unhappy with himself and it is easier to blame others for his unhappiness than to look inside his own self. From this day forward you need to take the steps to make yourself an independant woman. You are going to school so that is taken care of. Do your best to not try to persuade or guilt your husband into counseling...if he is forced to go it will not help anyway. Try to save as much money as you can...even if it is only $10-20 dollars a week. Open an account with your mom as the second name. Plan for a future that involves you being a single parent. You should not ever again beg the man to stay or talk things through. He has said his feelings and you have expressed yours. Now is the time to show him that you do not need him to raise the kids that "he never wanted in the first place". It may take you a year or so to get to the point where it will be your decision if you leave or stay, but you will have the power to make that choice. You are a strong woman and you can provide for yourself and your children without him...you just have to take the steps to make that happen.

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#3 Gone To Race In A Better Place...

I say keep your head up and be positive. I too am in this situation. My husband left October 2005 and went to live with his mother and her husband. He still lives with them to this day. My only concern is when you seek counseling please be cautious. My husband is a deacon in a church and he left. He had his pastor's support on his decision to leave. I called his pastor to ask why he would support his decision and he told me because my husband can divorce me for any reason he wants. I knew in my spirit that none of what he said lined up with the Word of God so I did not call him for any more advice. I sought my own counseling with my own church. I thank God because the advice does agree in my spirit and the Word of God. Just like others said you need to concentrate on you and your children. Do you have family that can be of support? I am so thankful for my support system. My husband acts like he does not want anything to do with his children but who cares because his loss is my gain. There are times when I am angry and bitter but you just have to go thru it. You will make it. I did have to sue my husband for child support because he did not want to pay a thing. He knew I was not working when he left so he had to pay. It will be tough but like others have said get YOU some help first and things will be all good. My prayers and thoughts are with you.

I understand also. 4 years ago I was in a similar sinking ship. I posted a little about it here. I knew we were having problems, but he left and claimed he "never loved me", "didn't even like me as a person" and "couldn't remember what he ever saw in me". OUCH! He was terrible! I would love to say we have a happy ending, but it is a major struggle. A year after he came home, he began "exploring" online and it happened a year later also. No major upsets in about a year and half, but we are not fixed. Please know that even if you "work things out", sometimes things are hard to forget. I am like some other posters and plan for a future where I am a single mom. Good luck! Remember, the ones you love the most can hurt you the most.

He has no where to go ? Well isn't that just to bad. Let him live in his car.

Get Mad ! He's playing with you.

I say change the locks next time he goes out, and get a lawyer. Tell him you want a trail seperation, and child support, if he wants back then he's going to have to go to counseling. If you don't play hardball he's going to keep breaking your heart, and your childrens.

If he doesn't want back at least you'll know now. You and your children deserve much more.

Hugs and prayers to you and your children.

ITA! Sounds terrrible, but what gives him the RIGHT to decide to just leave?! Who says he can quit being a parent? You can't, just doesn't happen. IMO anyway.

I would be so ticked and yes I would say "you have somewhere to go, right here with the 2 kids you made!" Then I would pack up and leave, just for a few days, but enough time to let him see what it feels like.


I really don't know what to say, there is no easy answer. He thinks life is better on the other side of the fence, but we all know that's not true.

DH and I joke all the time about how much he would have to pay in child support if he ever thought of leanving and he would only have about $600 a month for himself, not getting far on that!

He sees guys at work who get the money taken right out of their paychecks, they go home with nothing to their scanky little apartments with no cable because they can't afford it and sleep all alone with no one to talk to. Great life isn't it?

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"A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked." ~ Bernard Meltzer

I like this approach...

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Mental that one, I'm telling you. ---Ron Weasley, "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets"

I would NOT leave him until you talk to an attorney & file for a divorce.If you leave him it can affect your spousal support where the court might not award you any money for spousal support"on grounds desertation ". You will need all the money you can get from him to help you & the kids live a better life without him. I would be too affraid on leaving him for a short period of time he could high tail it to an attorney and file for divorce on grounds of desertation

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Angels may not come when you call them, but they'll always be there when you need them.

I think I would sit him down and explain to him that its not just his life now. Its the two little kids who adore their dad who will suffer the most if he decided he dont want to play house anymore. sounds like he is being rather selfish and childish to me. whats it his way or no way. when you guys got married and had the kids, it became the kids way. and the best way for them is to have both parents together. I would tell him that he is stuck until they are 18 and then he can go his own way.but until then, he made a comminment to you when he got your pregant. and to the kids when they were born. It really gripes me. It seems like alot of dads lately decide that they dont wanna be dads anymore. just not be bothered but maybe 2 weekends outa the month with the kids. thats not a dad. thats a baby sitter. dads are there day in day out for all the good AND the bad. geez. what are men thinking now adays?

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Boilergirl -- My sister is going through a very similar thing right now with her husband. They have been married for 13 years and have a 9 year old daughter. A few months ago he told her he didn't love her anymore and didn't want to go for counseling either. He just wants a divorce. Needless to say, she and our whole family are reeling. My sister stopped working when her daughter was born, and has no income of her own. Unfortunately, I have no good advice for you or for my sister, but I wish I did. Just know that a whole lot of poeple are thinking about you - including me - and wishing you the best.

OP, I have been in your shoes. One of the biggest mistakes people make in this situation is sitting around and letting the leaver decide what he wants to do. Why would you give someone that power? Wait to see if he decides if he wants to be with you and your children? Who the hell is he? He has made is opinion pretty clear and if he decides he does not want to leave it will be because he doesn't have the money or want to pay child support, or likes having a home and someone who cares for him, or because his girlfriend dumps him. None of which are reasons you want him to stay around. He has told you how he feels so you need to take control right now. Cancel credit cards in both your names and apply for cards in just your name. See an attorney NOW!!! You need to find out what you need to do to protect your financial future, for you and your children. Take control of this. Put our feelers for jobs, do you have a friend who can help you do your resume? Don't sit around waiting for him to decide your future and the quaility of your life. You are going to feel embarassed and ashamed and hurt, I did. But when things like this happen people look at the leaver as the loser, not you. Empower yourself by taking control. Tell him, "I agree, if this isn't working for you then it isn't working for me and you need to leave." At the very least it will be a blow to his ego and shift power to you. And I agree with the other posters who say it is very likely he has his eye on, or is involved with, someone else. Generally speaking, men are going to leave for what they perceive as greener pastures. This is going to be hell and I am tearing up for you just thinking about what lays ahead of you. But there is a better life available for you and your children.
There is some telling info in your post: you say you are trying to be the best you can for him and doing what you can for him. This man has no respect for you and by cowtowing to him he will continue to have no respect for you. Think back to a boyfriend you had that you were losing interest in. The more he did for you and the more attention he gave you, the more annoying he became and you started to treat him badly. Your husband HAS NO RESPECT FOR YOU. Stop, right now, doing anything for him. HE DOES NOT WANT YOU OR YOUR CHILDREN. He has told you this. Do you think he didn't mean it? Do you think you can change his mind? "Oh, she makes the best chocolate chip cookies and washes my socks. I guess I'll stick around." Stop spending one iota of energy on him and, instead, spend it on yourself, getting yourself where you need to be, emotionally, financially and physically. You owe him NOTHING. And please see your doctor and get an STD screen. You probably never thought this would happen, but it did. Proof to you that you do not know this man, he is a stranger, and you have no idea what he is capable of doing. I wish you strength.

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Raising my baby RIGHT!!!!!!

All the cool babies are wearing cloth!

Get yourself a bank account IMMEDIATELY that he has no access to. And put as much money into it as you possible can.

I haven't been in this exact situation, but not too far from it.. and this summer he decided to see a shrink and is on bipolar meds. They make a HUGE difference! Makes me wonder how I survived before.

Just wanting to send you hugs and hoping that you are seeing things more positively for you and thinking less and less like a lost person....you will find more support than you knew you had....

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"Well-Behaved Women SELDOM make history."Laurel Thatcher Ulrich


"Yesterday is but a vision, and tomorrow is only a dream. But today well lived makes every yesterday a dream of happiness, and every tomorrow a dream of hope." Anonymous

"Your candle does not lose it's light by lighting another candle" Generosity

Have the courage to be yourself.