I will try to give you guys the Readers Digest version of this mess and hope someone can offer some sound advice and calm me dowm somewhat.

Ok, here goes.

I am 31 and pregnant, four months along. The father is 25. Now, here is my question(s).
I have a good job, I dont have anything left over after paying bills but I do have a job that I love. He is employed and has a good job as well. He has basically opted out of all responsibility of this pregnancy and flat out left me. I will have to have a c-section because my pregnancy is high risk and so on. So, I will have to take off a minimum of two months work. Now during that time of course there are my bills, car payment, rent and so on that will have to be paid.
I see it like this, he has been worthless in this whole thing and not only am I having a very difficult pregnancy already but then I am looking at going into a finacial mess to boot. The one good thing I do have is my healthcare is totally covered. Does he just get off scott free from this and I go into debt and have late payments or is he somehow obligated to supply some sort of maternity support?
And for those who are curious, yes he left and he already has someone else who he claims to looooove. To me being a father starts at conception, not when it is conveinent for him to want to go to a dr. appt. (which he is blowing off) and not when he wants to be a dad.
Thanks in advance girls!

Go to court and get child support. Not sure, but I think the quicker you go, the quicker it starts.

Lisa

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"It's not having what you want,
It's wanting what you've got"

Child Support is a given- I will be seeking that. But I think I have to wait until the child is born and paternity is established?

I agree start now with the child support. Get a lawyer, a GOOD one and get what you deserve!

Can you go on temporary dissability if you have a high risk pregnancy? I have no idea, but that might be something to look into now also.

Do you have vacation time saved from work and if you don't plan on using it, can you get paid for it, that might help with bills also, unless you need it for your maternity leave?

You're only on month 4 and it doesn't get any easier, get anything done now that you can!

Good luck!

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"A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked." ~ Bernard Meltzer

Get a lawyer--NOW!

That's the best advise you will get. The sperm donor is not going to suddenly have a change of heart and become a DADDY. The only way you're going to get anything out of him is to take legal action!

If he doesn't contest that he's the father, and allows his name to on the birth certificate you will not have to wait to establish paternity.

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Mental that one, I'm telling you. ---Ron Weasley, "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets"

Go to Family Court and find out as much as you can.
Speak to your employer and find out what your alternatives are with them. Some companies pay 100% for maternity leave. Some pay nothing.
I'm sure he is counting on you backing down. DON'T!

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Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle

That is not really an option for him! You only opt out BEFORE a child is conceived.

Get a good lawyer!

This happened to one of my daughters. Save all your receipts for maternity clothing, baby purchases, doctors co-payments anything like that. After the baby was born and a paternity test done, he had to pay half of everything that pertained to the baby, half the crib, car seat, cothing anything that was purchased for the baby. Unless you do a paternity test while you are still pregnant (which is somewhat dangerous, I believe, or was 7 years ago, unless things have changed). I think you will have to wait untli the baby is born and you can establesh paternity. I don't think the baby's father would be responsible for any of your bills, but for the babys, yes. DD, was also able to get part of her maternity clothing reimbursed also. Of course the deadbeat has since disappeared and owes over $25,000 in child support. You might as well get used to dealing with things without his help, then if you do get help it will be a pleasant surprise, but you won't be relying on it.

I agree about the lawyer. Or maybe you could look up the laws for your state online. I am so sorry to hear this punk backed out on you. Another thing you might want to start looking into is child care for your baby once it is born. Also look into anything the state can help you with. Here in California you can get WIC (Woman Infants and Children) to help with food and disibility while you are on leave.

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TLJ ~ Where opinions are encouraged, not deleted

You laugh at me because I am different,
I laugh at you because you are all the same.

Your mind is like a parachute, it only works when it is open.

The best advice is to seek advice from a lawyer. You can look up the laws in your state. One website is www. findlaw.com . Try to minimize your current expenses if possible but he will be obligated to pay child support. Start shopping at the great clearance sales posted on the boards and use coupons to stock up on baby needs like diapers. Sign up for formula checks and other freebies-the best money saving thing to do is to try to breastfeed, and it is so good for the baby. Enlist the help of family and friends-do not be too proud to ask for help. Your employer may have child care discounts at a local day care center and you will probably be eligible for WIC which can be a lifesaver, specially if you use formula. Email me offlist if you want more information about obtaining legal assistance in your jurisdiction or if you want more tips from some of my personal experiences and the experiences of other single parents. You can do it as a single parent but make him do his part financially. Good luck with your situation!
Jocelyn
jociecee@aol.com

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Jocelyn



My babies are the joys of my life and keep me young:
The twins,Tatiana Gabrielle and William Joseph , 1/29/97, and baby boy, Jared Lawrence, 8/27/02.

If you pay into state dissability at work you should be covered for the 8 weeks you are out of work after the baby is born. Also if your Dr. says you can't work and writes you out before the baby is born that sould be covered too. Thats how it works in CA anyways. I hope its the same where you live.

That defininately varies by state. Here in NY you only get $170 a week short term disability for six weeks for a vaginal birth or eight weeks for a c section, which is much much less than most people's salaries.

Actually I think you get 12 weeks disablilty and then can apply for long term disablilty...but after 12 weeks your employer can choose not to hold your postition

How much disability you can get depends on the state that you live in and it also depends on whether you have a disability plan with your employer. I believe that I got 8 weeks officially but got extra time off since other people in my department were covering my classes for the semester anyway and I just went in for meetings for the last 4 weeks. The amount that I got was a percentage of my regular salary and not a set amount. I guess it really depends on whether you have a private plan through your employer or a state disability plan.

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Jocelyn



My babies are the joys of my life and keep me young:
The twins,Tatiana Gabrielle and William Joseph , 1/29/97, and baby boy, Jared Lawrence, 8/27/02.

Sorry you are having to go through this, especially with the added stress of a high-risk pregnancy. Well, if he doesn't want to be a daddy, you cannot force him. But, he will be required by state to pay for the child once paternity is established. Att 25 he might not be easy to tie down to payments, but eventually it will catch up with him. In the meantime, check wi th you employer about what your options are and what will be covered. You might be surprised what they actually have to offer you.

Another thought is, if you have any sort of relationship with this guy's family, perhaps the grandparents/aunts/uncles will be more responsible than the birthfather. Seek them out and see if they can be of any support--either physically, mentally, possibly help with childcare, etc. Oftentimes just because there might be one "bad seed" in the family, other members might step up to the plate to help anyway.

Good luck and take care of yourself and the little one on the way.

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"Well-Behaved Women SELDOM make history."Laurel Thatcher Ulrich


"Yesterday is but a vision, and tomorrow is only a dream. But today well lived makes every yesterday a dream of happiness, and every tomorrow a dream of hope." Anonymous

"Your candle does not lose it's light by lighting another candle" Generosity

Have the courage to be yourself.

You know, I am a single mother of 3 children, and I have had to depend on my family alot lately, now that the "daddy" is back in jail again....
...all I can say is love your children and try your best, only buy those things that you absolutely need and try not to give in to temptation. It will be hard but you can do it, just set aside as much as you can when you can and when the baby comes, you will be surprised at how much you have saved.

I am now on my feet again after my third (yes third) c-section only 3 months ago, and I am about to go back to work. Thank god my mother has been here for me. You can do anything when it comes to your children. Try calling your debtors and let them know what is going on, believe it or not, some people can be sympathetic and you might get extentions or budget billing for some things. Just don't go about it thinking that you have no options.

OH, and about the child support, you can file now at the department of revenue, (child support enforecement) they can set it all up, then act on it when the baby is born.

Best of luck, I know it's not easy.

Heather

Actually, the 12 weeks is for FMLA (which, by the way, the OP should DEFINITELY apply for). Some places have long-term and short-term disability. It's going to depend not only on state laws, but also on how leave time is done at the OP's place of employment.

Depending on many things--OP may not be able to apply for and use LTD/STD until she has exhausted all of her sick, vacation and personal leave. Often times, employers will allow the employees to pool their leave and gift it to a person who is in dire need of leave.

1) OP is probably eligible for WIC at this point. It can be used when a women is pregnant.
http://www.fns.usda.gov/wic/howtoapp...guidelines.htm
http://www.fns.usda.gov/wic/Contacts/ContactsMenu.HTM
2) WIC, unless they have changed in the last few years, can also advise and assist in getting legal assistance to obtain child support from the sperm donor.
3) OP, GET A LAWYER, if at all possible. If you can not afford one, seek free legal aid through your county or state (again WIC officers may be able to assist with this)

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Mental that one, I'm telling you. ---Ron Weasley, "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets"

FMLA allows for up to 12 weeks time off but I don't believe that it provides pay during the leave. Check into your employer's benefits to find out the policies that will apply to you. At my employer, short term disability covers medical leave for childbirth (usually 6 weeks) and our STD is elective and we can only enroll during open enrollment. The rest of the time under FMLA is unpaid. Kinda stinks but maybe your employer has a better program....here's hoping!

cj/

It depends on your company as well as your state. I'm in NYC and will receive my full pay for any period of disability related to the birth of my child. My co-worker who suffered from severe PPD received her full pay for almost 5mos.

Sorry you're going through this OP, but it sounds like you want the father to pay bills that are your responsibility, pregnant or not. Rent? Car note? No way.

I would be very careful about trying to force him to be more of a father than he wants to be before this baby get's here. Suppose you're able to force him to take on some of your pregnancy expenses right now, what sort of rights does that give him regarding his unborn child? What happens if a birth defect is discovered? Will he have the right to force a termination. What if there's a problem during delivery and the dr has to choose between you & the baby? Do you really want him standing there with the lawyer he hired to defend himself against you, demanding that they save his baby. Do you want him showing up at the delivery with his new girlfriend?

Speak to a lawyer, speak to social services, speak to your company's hr dept and find out what your options are. Just consider the outcome before you do anything. If you're only 4mos pregnant it sounds like this relationship went south pretty fast. Probably because you're trying to force him to be a father before he's ready. Don't put yourself in a position where he can force you to do things you don't want to just because your feeling a bit scorned.

When your company itself doesn't have a policy for short term disability, you get what the state offers, and that's the $170 a week. Most companies don't have policies in place unfortunately.

Let me say from the bottom of my heart that you guys are so darn amazing! I just really needed some advice and mostly some kind words. Those are things that I have not been getting and I really needed some sound advice and nicenes!
here is the latest on what is going on with me:
Unfortunately today I ended up at the ER - I had passed out at work twice today and I have had constant problems with vomiting 4-5 times a day. I was just dehydrated and it's all just stress.
The father is being a little nicer. I did take one posters advice and called his parents just to let them know what was going on. And even tho I asked them to keep our conversation between us they did tell him. He did not flip out, he was actually nice. I let down my gaurd and told him flat out that I didnt have anyone and that I just needed him to stop being so cruel and harsh and to try to see what was going on with me. My family is 3 hours away and its hard to say but the truth is that they are not the best support system. I really am on my own in so many way. I am trying to keep my chin up, every day is a stuggle and if I didnt have my sense of humor I would have already snapped.
I read a t-shirt somewhere that said "Some days it's not even worth chewing through the restraints" and that sums it up. Some days are good and some are bad. I am taking each piece of advice to heart and I am cutting all expenses I can. I am taking my lunch to work, I am using my electric blanket instead of heating the whole house, I am trying to get some of my credit cards cleared off so that if I need them I have at least something to fall back on.
Again- I want to say thank you. What is so amazing is that all around me there is no one to talk to and then there are you guys and the kindness of complete strangers makes me fell better than I have felt in months.

Congrats! And sorry the dad is giving you problems, guess it's better to find out what he's like sooner rather than later though. I hope his mom got ahold of him and chewed him out! Do everything through the legal system so he can't try to convince you he'll pay voluntarily.

I don't know if you've put much thought into feeding and diapering, but as someone earlier mentioned, breastfeeding is free I just had my third baby 2 months ago and this is the first one I'm using cloth diapers for - and it is so easy! Check out these diaper covers, I didn't want to even THINK about buying those all-in-one diapers that cost like $15 each, so I bought 3 dozen pre-fold diapers and a 6-pack of these:

http://nickisdiapers.com/catalog.php?category=65

and all you have to do is fold the pre-fold diaper in thirds and put it in the cover and put it on like a regular disposable diaper. Reuse the cover if it isn't wet/dirty and stick the dirties in a bag til you wash. And you can resell them when you're done I couldn't find used diapers on ebay for much less than I bought them from the above site brand new.

You still have plenty of time to gather all the baby items you'll need (and you really don't need much - your arms, boobs, diapers and clothes!). Someone mentioned getting diapers beforehand and I'll tell you this - different brands of disposables fit differently. My son wore Huggies and we bought some Huggies when my first daughter was born and they leaked around the legs! Pampers fit much better and I'm glad we didn't buy some big stockpile of Huggies before she was born.

I am going to breastfeed. And I am on a group board at yahoo where others post things they are selling cheap or giving away. My boss has said she is going to throw me a great baby shower and anything I get that I dont HAVE to have I will trade back in for cash. I am going to call my credit card companies to see if I can make partial payments for a few months when i do have the baby. My job, although it is a good job is horrible with benefits. They have so many loopholes and things set up so that you just cant get much help. I am going to go talk with the HR dept. and find out what I can do. I did apply for WIC and got turned down which I found amazing. I am curious to see if others at my job can donate some of their sick leave or vacation time. At where i work to be considered full time you have to work a minimum of 47.5 hours a week. I work about 36.
I took the medicine they sent me home with yesterday (potassium and something else for vomiting - i was dehydrated) and that didnt go so well. Its amazing that everything is still making me sick. I felt like the dr. i saw yesterday was not hearing me. This much sickness is not normal, I know that this is par for the course with pregnancy but being this sick early on in the pregnancy is worrisome.
Anywho - got some sleep last night and go back to work tommorow. I am going to pray that I get to feeling better and that I can work and save some money!

I hope everything works out for you! It always does in the end

Just be careful with the electric blanket thing. It might raise your body temp. up to high and can cause damage to the baby. I would just stick to regular blankets

Breastfeding is a great start for both baby's health and your relationship. I recommend that you read up and learn as much now about obstacles you could encounter so that if they happen you will know that not only are they normal but you will have ideas on how to conquer them.

As far as the sickness... Just to be a voice of reassurance, even as much as you are having can be absolutely normal and actually research that has been done now says it's even a good thing in that it shows that your body and hormones are doing the things that they should do. My first pregnancy MANY years ago was very much like yours from the father to the sickness to living on my own and having all those expenses while I was out of work and I have always wondered if all the stress added to how sick I was as well.

As far as getting the dad to pay for your expenses while pregnant or on maternity leave, I seriously doubt that this will happen. You would do better to work on getting set up to collect child support assoon as you can rather than dealing with frustation about bills he probably won't help with anyhow.

Good luck to you!