Okay, I'm ready to fly off the handle so i'm forcing myself not to confront SIL yet.

I've mentioned SIL in previous posts. She is marred to DH's brother and for whatever reason, she is jealous of anyone that has anything. She even admitted to me when i first started dating DH that she resented my five year old stepson because my MIL seemed to favor him and she would stay up at night crying over it.

She has a 13 yr old DD and a 10 yr old DS. She always wants to compare her DD to my 6 yr DD. My DD is naturally skinny but to me, doesnt matter, just so she is healthy. SIL has this major obsession with her DD being tiny. When DD was 3 yrs old and still in 2T clothing, SIL would brag, "DD was in 18 mth clothing." She ALWAYS had her DD on a diet- even at 5 yrs old. My MIL says stuff without thinking and she mentioned that SIL's DD was eating a lot lately (of course, she's at that age) and SIL about went crazy! She then said, "SHe has to watch her weight- she's a cheerleader." WTF???? At the time she was 12 and in no way had to watch her weight.

Anyway, she really resents us because we made it out from the bottom (although they have a gorgeous house, healthy kids, etc.) and when I got my degree, she wouldnt talk to me. When I got my job as technical writer, she wouldnt acknowledge me for months.
My MIL watches DD occassionaly, maybe one or two times a week for an hour or so. Since the kids were off for christmas break, however, she agreed to watch DD all day the one day. I took a vacation day the next day so MIL didnt have her twice in a row. We do pay her, but I hate imposing. SIL, however, wasnt talking to her for a couple weeks, even though she knows MIL gets so emotional and upset and after a health scare, she really shouldnt be upset like that. Then she called MIL to ask her to watch the kids.

Now, on Christmas day SIL's 10 yr old DS put his hands around my DD's neck and was squesezing and when DD came out crying, he ran out yelling, "She's a liar" Even before she said anything. OH, and we only got gifts for the kids- my DD has a fascination with horses- so SIL got her one of those sticks with a horse head on it for 2 yr olds and then SIL and her DD laughed when DD opened it and SIL said, "That's the only horse you'll ever get." Kinda cruel but DD merely smiled. My DD has a wicked sense of humor and she said, "Aunt Rhonda, does that make you feel big to do that? Do you feel better now?" LOL

So I didnt know MIL would be watching SIL's kids as well or I would have taken off because 1) I think it's too much for MIL to handle three kids and 2) The kids are really mean to Lex.

So I find out through MIL that she watched all of them and she said SIL's DS was surprisingly well behaved and DD was good (we browbeat into her that she treat her gram with respect- MIL can be ... a bit different than me but she would do anything for any one of us). But she said without going into detail (and it was chaotic at the time she was here so i didnt ask) that SIL's DD was horrible. She was kinda upset about it which made me upset. SIL and her DD used to sit at MIL's table and draw ugly pics of MIL, right in front of her, laughing and saying, "This is her giraffe neck" or "Her old lady hair." This was when SIL's DD was like 7 yrs old.

So my DD tells me today that SIL's DD pretty much tortured her all day. She put a pile of pepper on Lexi's spaghettie, kept grabbing her plate away from her, talked back to MIL constantly, called Lex names, etc.

Now, SIL never gives MIL any money but that isnt my business. And i HATE HATE HATE how they treat MIL but again, that's MIL's job to speak up. But when it comes to my DD...... I've kept my mouth shut, except for a few here and there comments but when SIL directed things at me ... I've kept quiet.

I want to call SIL and bring up this issue. But I know I might just be really angry right now. Is calling the right thing? I do want to talk it over with DH because he HATES confrontation and i'd never do this without discussing this with him because no matter how nice I would be on the phone, this would be the start of a huge family battle with her. I think that's what she wants.

Any input??

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Not all those that wander are lost.

Later for talking, it's time to get your dd Karate leassons. This way she can learn to be "zen" about most of the crap her cousins pull and kick their butts when enough is enough.

So funny you mention this. My mom was a third degree black belt and karate instructor so my DD does know it. She is such a laid back child, however, taht she doesnt use it. When she was 3 yrs old and SIL's DS was 7, she suddenly started yelling from the living room saying, "Help me" We run in the room and my darling toddler had her cousin in a headlock. She said, "He wouldnt leave me alone." My stepson still jokes about it to this day. SO when necessary she CAN take care of herself..... but I just hate that she has to endure that. UGH.

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Not all those that wander are lost.

kudos to your daughter for squashing your SIL's joy at giving her such a ridiculous gift.

I'd suggest cooling off before you talk to her about her attitude. And the sad thing is you'll probably not accomplish anything. I'd just keep my distance and make sure the kids have as little contact as possible. And maybe talk to your MIL about the way she lets those bratty kids treat her. She's not doing them any favors by letting them get away with being cruel. They need to learn NOW the consequences of being mean to people.

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Sounds like there's a little mental illness going on with your sil & her daughter. Can your DH talk to his brother about this ?

I don't understand why your MIL would let them treat her like that ? What does your dh say about them treating his mom like that ? He needs to talk to his brother about that also.

If your dh doesn't, or can't deal with this, I'd probably find every excuse in the book to keep my DD as far away from those 2 as possible. Your DD is way to young to have to deal with a 13 year old monster, your DD could end up getting really hurt one day.


Your little girl sounds like a great kid. Good luck to you both.

Best to try and keep some peace in the family, and looks to me as if the best way to do that would be to keep as far away as possible from them except when impossible. And I would make sure that your adorable DD is NEVER alone with SIL or her children.

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Have the courage to be yourself.

He said-she said arguments NEVER resolve anything! You weren't there - so leave it alone. Teach your daughter techniques she can use when these things happen- verbal not karate. Life is long and complicated. Just stay away from SIL as much as possible. If your MIL does not have a backbone by now she isn't going to grow one. You can not fight other people's battles. Focus on your daughter and what you can do to help her cope with disruptive family members so she will have the skills to teach her kids someday. Good luck.

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Lyn Clarke

It is so important to not take sides when children are fighting. You can mediate by sitting down and having the kids talk to you and each other with an apology and a hug in the end. You don't want for them to grow up with animosity toward one another so nipping it in the bud while they are children is so important. As the other poster said, it will teach them a lesson in getting along.

Also,I think that it might be time for a break from each other (for you and SIL)... You were probably together over the holidays more than usual. That can lead to some major problems when two people are too different. Sometimes, the cousins start getting too close over the holidays as well and this can lead to problems as well.

Maybe time to think of yourselves and take a step back?!

One thing to consider is the age difference between the kids (13/10 vs. 6). Teens and pre-teens are exposed to much more negative stuff and they also have the sibling rivalry thing going on that your daugther (an only?) might not. I'm not trying to defend them in any way for their misbehavior....just looking for factors that might contribute.

Do you think it might help to try to engage the cousins positively in something without the sister-in-law? Bowling or something....spend some time together and reinforce any positive behavior they show?

cj/

Thank you for the helpful suggestions, everyone! Just to try to answer a few things addressed:
I do want to state that I KNOW my DD is no angel. I'm not trying to paint her that way but she is the most kind hearted child- and what I love about her is that she does tend to shrug things off (except when someone's trying to strangle her).
My MIL is .... very emotional. I'm very careful in what I choose to say to her. She has had enough recently though. They (SIL, BIL, and the kids) made fun of her cooking on thanksgiving so when we showed up for Christmas dinner, she had just some basic lunch type foods and made it clear she was done with cooking. I thought that was great. She's also to the point of no longer getting upset everyone SIL decides not to talk to her. And she HAS on numerous occassions refused to watch the kids. My DH does tell his mom his opinion but never forces it on her because we know she sees it- as another poster said - you cant fight someone else's battles.

This was more than he said/she said. My MIL was very upset about it. She verified what my DD told us. And it isnt a case of spending too much time with SIL, we hardly spend any time together and only a fraction of our time with them on the holidays. It is just that- how far do you allow someone to not only treat you poorly but also your child? I'm not being a smart-a$$, I'm asking in all sincerity.

Yes, my daughter's greatest defense is her verbal skills. She knows self defense techniques but has only used them when absolutely necessary (around these kids). And yes, kids will be kids but this girl is 13 years old!! My stepson is the same age and I have to tell you- he is an absolute angel around my DD. He's never once treated her poorly.

My fear is that I stifle this - as I have a tendency to do- then something will happen, maybe even something small, and I'm just gonna explode and say things to SIL that I might regret (I also have a tendency to do that- just hold it all in and then let it all come out at once).

I considered calling SIL and speaking to her in a civil manner, but in all reality, i know she wont take it as civil. So, I do agree with keeping peace. I'm going to go against my instincts and not call her. I explained to DD that sometimes that age group (13 yrs old) can be difficult and her cousin might just be acting out and to simply ignore her when she is like that. My DD just said, "But my brother doesnt act like that. And I try to ignore her. Doesnt work."

But as one poster said, this is life. My DD will know that some people.... are just like this.

Thanks again for the advice!!

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Not all those that wander are lost.

I don't blame you one bit for being angry. If what you describe was an isolated event, I'd probably chalk it up to silliness or a misunderstanding. However based on the history and probably many more incidents that I am sure you did not delve into here, I feel mom's nasty attitude has rubbed off on the daughter and in all probability did occur the way your daughter described.
Were it me, I would keep as much distance as possible. When the occasion arises where we were forced to be in the same room, I would be curt and short. I would NOT call SIL up; I feel your MIL should have handled the supervision at the time and since the daughter was being mean it was her call and responsibility to handle the situation. Because your MIL did not, I think I would make sure she were not watching my child and SIL's children at the same time. I also question why your MIL lets these people run roughshod over her the way she is. This surely can't be good for her current health!

Anyway good luck. I feel for you on this.

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