I posted a while back about a SO that wont work. He claims that there is a job lined up but each week it is "next week", "two weeks", "Next week". Well two weeks ago, the promise came that the job would start this week. Only there was a problem, SO car would never make the drive. We had been talking about getting another vehicle anyhow but just not that soon. So we went and bought a mini van. On the way to the dealer to sign the papers, I cried to him and told him I had a bad feeling about this because I COULD NOT TO IT ALONE... AGAIN he promised that the job would start this week, nothing to worry about.. Blah blah blah..
Well guess what?? First payment due in 10 days and no friggin job... HOW THE HELL Could I be so stupid??? I guess I have to suck it up and get a second job... So on top of the 50 hours I put un at my regular job, I will be getting another one and work nights and weekends... UN FRIGGIN REAL!
Once again I believed and fell for lies and BS...

I remember your post . I'm sorry you fell for the lies.. If you can't afford it you can't afford it.. call the bank and tell them to come and get it.. don't kill yourself over a vehicle. it just isn't worth it. I hope you kicked him to the curb because...your being used sweetie.

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Too many people spend money they haven't earned to buy things they don't want, to impress people they don't like. - Will Rogers

PLEASE boot him to the curb! I realize that you love him...but honey, he's a leech! He's going to suck the life blood right out of you. He's toxic.

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Mental that one, I'm telling you. ---Ron Weasley, "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets"

I read another post about needing your tax return quickly...

I'd do as the other poster suggested and call the bank ASAP and get out from under the car... Loan is in your name, right? A small loss now is better than a car payment every month and working a second job.

I'd also do my darnedest to get away from him. I feel for you.

Get rid of both of these anchors....the car and the man...and fast. You can do so much better ...really....I read about you being an oncology nurse.... wow, that's special and specialized! You have a great career and should have a great life.

It's time to move on. Do it for yourself - you deserve to be happy and treated right.

cj/

Agree 100%.. my thoughts are with you.

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Nutella,....
proving some of the best things in life come in a jar.

My sister just got out of the same position. Please do yourself a favor and get rid of this guy! My sis bought a mini-van with her guy (he needed it for his 3 kids), as well, so he could get to work. He'd get jobs (periodically), then lose them 1-2 weeks later. He was just looking for a free ride. My sis let him keep the van when she kicked him out, then had to get it back from him because ... SURPRISE... he never made the payments. I agree with the others - take the hit by giving the van back, then move on. You deserve a partner - not another kid....

Best Wishes!

Kim

First of all, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I've been there. It's so easy for others to say "kick him to the curb"...which is what I was going to tell you to do too. It sounds like you are very co-dependent upon this man...you are trying to fix him and believe that he's going to change. I admire you for giving him plenty of chances for this long. The sad thing is though, he's probably not going to change. Why the he## should you have to go out and work another job? To support his lazy a$$? I think not! Either you need to move out and get as far away from this loser as you can, or make him leave. It's hard to do because obviously you love him or you wouldn't have stuck in there with him for this long. But nothing is going to change. And the sooner you face that, as painful as it may be, the better off you are going to be in the long run. You deserve better, even though you may not think so. Heck, being by yourself would be better than being with this lazy lug. Don't get upset with me for saying these things...I'm sure he has his good qualites and loves you in his own way. I don't know the man or you, so maybe I'm assuming a bit too much. I've just been in a situation similar to yours in the past and I'm relating my own experience. I hope and pray that you get rid of him...before he drags you down to his level. ~Lisa

I second all the above.
Put him out right away and return that van or sell it.
Give him an altimatium (sp) that if he doesn't bring in a paycheck by a certain time (say 2 or 3 weeks) that he is out the door. Then stick by your guns and DON'T back down.
If he really cares for you, he'll do as you say just to keep you. If he doesn't follow through then you'll know he was only there to use you for as long as he could.
Better to learn now if the relationship is really genuine or he's a user.

I've been in this same type position before and my guess is....he's using you.

Better to dump him now so you are free to get on with your life. There is someone out there for you who will help you provide a good home and pull WITH you instead of AGAINST you.
When you love someone it's hard to turn them away but when you love someone you want that love in return. When they drag you down...they're NOT loving you in return.

Wishing you the best of luck.

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Barb


My GOD Bless our Country and our Troops, and rid the World of terroists.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I am not going to tell you to get rid of him because I am not in the position to give that kind of advice. I will say that it seems to me that you are being used and need to be careful. I have been with men that have used me and I know the hurt you are going through. I hope there is a way to get rid of the new car without it effecting your bank account too much. I am praying for you. (((((HUGS)))))

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TLJ ~ Where opinions are encouraged, not deleted

You laugh at me because I am different,
I laugh at you because you are all the same.

Your mind is like a parachute, it only works when it is open.

I have to agree.

If he is not staying at home watching the kids or disabled, then he should be working.

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Amy
Mom to Lauren, Eryn, Naysa
and announcing......
Gavin Michael Chase, 9 lbs 10 ozs
and 21 3/4 inches long on 10/13/09!

Boot him to the curb & SALE THE VECHILE!!! I cosigned my dh's loan so he would get a lower interest rate I told him to watch it one missed payment & its sitting on my brother carlot thank goodness he is a workacholic(SP) so no problems but I wont be screwed on a car deal BTW I would refuse to ever do this again even for a spouse or child!!!

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mom of 3 greats girls

No Ultimatams...ne don't deserve any.He knew he was not going to keep this job or any other job.He is a lying user.If you check with some old girlfriends or family members chances are he did the same with them.If you don't get out from under this mess now it will only get messier.You think your miserable now honey.You aint seen nothing yet if you let him stay.Kick his *&^ out NOW! And call the bank and tell them the truth.Put a for sale sign on it and put it in the paper as take over payments.Good Luck! And sweety their are so many more fish in this big blue sea you will be soooo greatful in a few months when you do as we all tell you...

If you don't have his last name.......you don't owe him a thing. Move on out and up sweetie.

I just want to say that I'm sorry you're dealing with this. It seems like a lot, many different problems that you're having to face and handle right now.
You're not dumb, you're being used and sometimes it's so hard to NOT fall for the game, especially when you think, hope and want so bad to believe the person you think loves you and who you also love.
Don't be hard on yourself.....LOVE YOURSELF! Take care of YOU and let him take care of himself. If love is there, your relationship will survive.
Good luck!!

I agree with all the above who said get rid of him and the car!
I am sorry that this is happening to you, but you can't keep letting him USE you.

What does HE do all the time while YOU work?

I know that it is probably hard to hear people say kick him out, because you have feeling for him. I think that you should take the advice of people who have been there and done that. You deserve better.

You need to just let him go. If I was crying on the way to sign for a car my husband would have never continued driving. You deserve someone to care that much about your feelings. That he could just push away what you were saying and feeling really shows how selfish and immature he is about this relationship.

He will probably say and do a lot of things to get you to change your mind if you do kick him out but hell, I would too if I had it as good as he does. You need to not give him choices, dont offer him another chance to get a job. Tell him it is time that he moves out, gets the job and then and only then if he really wants you back, he dates you and treats you like you should be treated.

About the car, you need to sell it. You might take a loss but a loss now is better then a repossession later. Go and talk to the car dealer, maybe they can work something out. Another option is if you have a car and you sell that, using the money towards the van. Then you could either refiance to get lower van payments or just keep paying the van payment without having the other car to worry about.

Whatever you do, it is time to start looking out for yourself. Lord knows in this relationship if you dont start taking care of you, no one else will.

Hugs,
Darlene

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Sell crazy some place else, we are all stocked up here.

A few years aback, I was in a relationship similar to yours - although he did work, it wasn't enough to support the way he thought he needed to live. His dd's didn't even have beds (which I took care of including bedding). We dated for over two years during which time I turned into the maid, cook, grocery buyer, expert garage saler because the kids didn't have anything. Was even so stupid enough to watch his kids a couple of time so he could go out and "get away".
At the time we met I drove a mini-van for just my ds and myself. Basically, I then turned into the driver who provided all the gas too. When I decided to sell the mini van for a new car which could only seat four instead of the 7 we needed (he has four daughters), I got the major guilt trip of "How am I going to get my girls around?" Did it anyway, and to make a long story short, after I sold the mini-van I loaned him $500. It took me over a year to get the money back but by then I realized I had to get my son and myself away from this situation.

Immediately after, he re-hooked up with his ex-wife for a while, has gotten remarried and divorced and all four of his girls (under 20) have each had one baby and one has had 2.

Did I mistake this for love? You bet I did. Was I glad at the time to break up? No way. Am I glad that my ds is not the father of any of those babies? Goes without saying.

Now the kicker, You must think that I am a low-income person in a major city. Nope, small town girl who has worked her butt off all of her life, who had her own home and a decent, respectable job, went to church on Sunday and sent her son to a Catholic school. The only thing I didn't have was any self-esteem about her self (ex took that in the divorce). Dated quite a few losers (starting to think every loser in town) but when I decided that I didn't need to date anymore, about a year later, met Mr. Right (who works as hard as I do) and we have been married for over six years now. Ironic thing is, he has a dd that is a user but with my past experience, I almost know how to handle her.

So, remember - no one is going to take care of you, except for you. Do what you think is right, not easy and know that you have the support of everyone on these boards.

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My Coupons - Where Winning is just Beginning!

I agree with the others: kick him to the curb. You deserve better.

I heard a line once that I just love: The only way a woman can change a man is if he's weraing diapers.

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Jesus SAVES by shopping smartly and using double coupons!

All good advice already.

I once heard a saying that is very true---The first time a man shows you who he truly is, believe him.

Yes, depending upon your state you may be able to return your vehicle under the "buyers remorse law" .
Under this law, you have 3 days or 72 hours to return car without penalty.

As for your boyfriend, you'll have to decide for yourself if you will continue to be used for another day. Once you choose you no longer want to, let him go. Having him around cannot be good for your health, self esteem or pocketbook.

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@@@
l/ l/ l/
Dont go through life,
GROW through life

Real eyes...realize...real lies.

Under NO circumstances feel bad for him and let him keep the van and attempt to make payments on it. I did that with my house when ex DH and I split. I felt bad and let him keep the house in both of our names and didn't make him refinance. DUMB DUMB DUMB! I ended up getting served papers stating my house was being foreclosed on for non payment stretching out 6 months! EX denied it, but I had the proof in my hands!

Kick him out and move on! You need a man in your life....not a child. You deserve so much more for yourself - take pride in who you are and what you should receive from your partner!

Lots of luck & hugs to you!

Why would you do that?

I would think it's a no-brainer that if your SO can't make the payments, "HE" loses the mini-van.

And I would "lose" him.

I missed previous posts about the SO - so I can't say much about those except that some of the others have and seem to see a pattern here.

Lets break this down.

YOU work
He doesn't, -can't or won't - seems to me WON'T is the operative word here.

Trust me he is not looking out for your best interests.

I can also tell you that he does not respect you. He's doing everything short of just flat out SAYING it and your taking it.
over
and over
and over again.

This is JUST MONEY... I know.
And the romantic in me....the one that used to live inside this woman who married a man who had baggage out the wazzzo truly BELIEVED that. When I say baggage I mean Samsonite didn't have anything on him! I mean 15yrs of unpaid child support, YEARS...like 7 yr of unfiled taxs (self employed to boot! which is a hefty tax rate!). What did I do... fall in love. overloook all the bad stuff and told everyone who would listen... "it's just money", got pregnant and married him!!! why? well it's just money...I love him.
Heck everyday I'd expect to wake up sitting on Oprah's couch crying "but I LOVE HIM!!!". ACK!
WHAT WAS I THINKING?! EXACTLY WHAT YOU ARE THINKING NOW!

You sound like me... we are "fixers". Put me in a room with a single man for an 30 minutes and I'd have his life history, sniffed out his problem areas AND have a plan to make them all better. Yup ...I'm a fixer.
well.
I used to be.
Now he's lucky if I FIX dinner!
I spent years fixing his stuff and now it's my turn.

My take is simple...take the van back.
Take the financial hit it's better than having it repo'd later.
Tell the SH (nope not a typo...) it's time to S%$& or get off the can!
and You MUST raise your standards....no matter how much you LOVE him...love yourself more.
Besides If you can find a 2nd job why can't he find a FIRST one???
This really is insane!
I say suck up the romantic "but I love him" lock it away and move on.
You can always keep your options open.... tell him "when you've been employed in the same place for a year call me"
It's the equivalant of "call me when your stable and reasonably sane"

btw: YOU CAN DO THIS ALONE....you have been up til now you just didn't realize it.

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Long Lost ejm99 !

SHEEEE'SSS BAAAAACK!

Hey Julieoh0712, How are thing going? It has been a few weeks since you posted. I hope things are going better. Please check in with us. We care about you and hope you are doing well.

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TLJ ~ Where opinions are encouraged, not deleted

You laugh at me because I am different,
I laugh at you because you are all the same.

Your mind is like a parachute, it only works when it is open.

You know, nurses are notorious "fixers"- Lord knows, I am one. We think we have the solutions to the universe's problems. An interesting statistic- 80% of those in the "helping professions" are from disfunctional families. We think we can do it better!! We rarely do. I am sitting here thinking of allthe nurses I have worked with over the past 40 years. I can think of 2 - maybe three- there is one gal I lost track of over the years- who are still married to their original spouse- I am not one of them. We pick damaged goods because we think we can fix them. My ex was a drinker and a bipolar type personality. After 20 years of daily "reality testing", he was dry and fairly mellowed- but I was exhausted . I finally realized he didn't know two things about me nor did he want to!! I walked.

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Lyn Clarke

Intersting points, lynclarke!

OP, I would also love to hear an update on your situation as well.

PS ej it's so good to see you posting again. I missed you!

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@@@
l/ l/ l/
Dont go through life,
GROW through life

Real eyes...realize...real lies.

anyone heard from her? I hope she's not at her second job right now!

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Too many people spend money they haven't earned to buy things they don't want, to impress people they don't like. - Will Rogers

Like everyone else here, I am sorry you are going through this.

My husband and I knew each other for a while before dating, and dated for a couple years before marriage. He used to call me "Captain-Save-A-Hoe" So I honestly can say that I have been in that situation and had to eventually cut my losses and run while I still could. I literally was going broke trying to help out people who were simply using me. I always believed that there was good in everyone and that with the right nourishment, it would shine through. So, I know it's so easy for us to say, "kick him to the curb", but not so easy for you to do. When you love someone, it's hard to give up on them. I do understand that, BUT, like someone mentioned earlier, give him the last ultimatum, if it is in your heart to do so. Tell him he has one week to get the job or you're through - PERIOD - no if's, and's or but's. At the end of that time, if he doesn't have a job, you have to be strong enough to follow through with the threat. If he honestly does love you, he will do his best to find a job before the time is up. If he doesn't, then you know he has no intention of changing - especially if you are supporting him.

You have a great job - no you have a great career, and deserve to be with someone who is as hard working as you are - someone who wants to support you (whether or not you need it) not be supported by you.

I was thinking about the OP and her situation lately and wondering if she might check in or if anyone knew how things were going for her....

unfortunately, she's probably working a hundred hours a week and has no time to post...
hope you're doing ok.

She has posted recently (as recently as 4/2/07)...just not on The Cafe board.

come back and update us!

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Too many people spend money they haven't earned to buy things they don't want, to impress people they don't like. - Will Rogers

Bumping for an update

Well low and behold he got a job. He has been working about 45-50 hours a week and actually not doing too bad. The deal is this.. Work or get the hell out. I wont do this again.. Wont put up with this anymore!!
I tired that workathomeagent.com and that just wasnt for me. So now I just pay MY bills and let him worry about his own... Time to grow up!

Glad to hear it's working out. Keep it up!

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Mom to Miss C & Mr. E
Former SAHM now working full time
feboll@neo.rr.com

Julie- I am so happy for you. #1 happy that he got a job #2 happy that you finally stood up for your self.

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Lyn Clarke

You did it cause you love him now get over it. You need to lose the anchor and start thinking of yourself. There are better men and you deserve one.

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Laura
Please visit my blog
http://mylifeinlaurasworld.blogspot.com/

Good for you girl, I am so glad to hear a positive update!!

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Vicki


TLJ Women united in Spirit!

I'm glad things are looking up for you. I just hope it lasts. If not, stick to your guns. Don't let him use you any more.
As a matter of fact...it's about time he carries you for a while.

Best of luck.

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Barb


My GOD Bless our Country and our Troops, and rid the World of terroists.