Okay, here's the situation: My husband is deployed to Iraq right now in the green zone. He is only calling me every two weeks and e-mailing about once a week. I know they get two morale calls a week, and have heard from other spouses in the unit that they hear from their SO almost daily. Sometimes there are times when I know he legitmatly can't call or e-mail because of what is going on on his end, but he had the nerve to tell me in an e-mail that all he wants to do most days when he gets off is go to his room and sleep, or watch a movie. I am so frustrated. I don't know what to do. I love him so much, but don't know weather to be mad or worried. If your SO has been deployed how often did they contact you. Oh, let me also add his nephew sent him a project for school and my hubby sent it back with a two page letter and pictures. He has yet to send me pictures or the kids letters. Just an e-mail every now and then to the girls. I don't know how much longer I can take this!! Thanks for letting me vent. AHHHHHHHHHHH!!! I needed a good scream. Also, what do I tell my kids when they ask why dad isn't calling or e-mailing or writing? Any advice is appreciated, but no flaming please I can't take it right now.

Well, I know that spouses are different...

I was lucky because my dh's office had a direct line here so he could call me for free- we did talk often until his last deployment. Sometimes it would be a week/two/three before I could hear from him.

My bil would only call every couple of days if that-

Have you just asked him to call more- perhaps it may make him miss home more to talk to you (dh said that sometimes) or perhaps he doesn't feel like he has anything to talk about (since he is there and not here). Have you been writing to him/sending him emails or packages? Perhaps when he gets tons of mail he will get the hint lol.

I know that it is hard. I was glad I had school to keep me so busy, or else I would have been more frustrated from not hearing from him. I hope that everything works out!

I have asked him to call more and he does for a week then goes right back to his old habits. Also, I e-mail him almost daily and I don't think a week has gone by that he hasn't gotten a package from us. I guess I am just aggitated. It was the five month mark that he has been gone yesterday. I guess because most of the other spouses in the unit are hearing from their SO it just makes me wonder why he can't put forth a little more effort. If it's hard to call because it makes him miss home I wish he would just tell me at least then I would know why and it would be easier to get through this deployment. Thanks for listening.

Does he read your emailing more often than he does calling you or emailing? I would suggest when he reads it have him hit reply back... to let you & the kids know he ok! tell him it doesn't have to be long just a short reply.Your worried about him

The ony thing you can go do is to keep encouraging him to call you and write you more often . My dh kept in contact with me often just to let me know he's was ok..I can understand your fear ,sadness & angry that your dh is not contacting your more often..You can't make him do it but I would definetly would give him a good talking to him when he gets back if his behavior doesn't change

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My DH isn't in the military but I do have a few thoughts on your situation. The first thing I thought of is that he sounds depressed (all he wants to do is go to his room and sleep or watch movies--escaping the reality of the war maybe?). Also, maybe he is trying to shield or protect you from what is going on over there. I know that's what my DH would probably do, he wouldn't want me to worry so he wouldn't be sending me pictures of himself or his buddies with guns or whatever. I don't know your situation so it is hard to know what is going on and it sounds like you have talked to him about it before so I don't know what else to say except I hope that everything works out well for you and I hope that he comes home safely soon. :hugs:

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I am a wife of a retired military man... I think that within units jobs really vary alot and that could be a factor in how frequently sometimes he can call. My husband flew on blackhawk helicopters when he was active duty, and his job was alot different that other personal in his unit. There was a time he was in Turkey and he would go to remote "bases" for over a week at a time and he wouldn't be able to call or email or anything from those places, but the second he got back to the regular base he could call, but only once a week. There were maintenance people who never had to go to the remote areas and they called home 2 or 3 times a week. I am not sure what your DH's job is, but jobs really vary alot.

You may not want to hear this, but you really have to try to see things from where you DH is coming from. He likely is seeing alot of things over there that he really is having a difficult time with. There is alot of death, violence, etc... Maybe that is putting alot of stress on him and he isn't sure how to talk to you about it. Maybe when he calls he feels like he should be telling you more of what he is going through but he isn't able to and it is difficult emotionally on me. Those Moral calls can be monitored and your DH may be worried he could slip and let something out that he shouldn't. I don't know. But I agree with the poster above who said he sounded depressed... Is this his first deployment to Iraq? Maybe he thought he would be ready for Iraq and what he would see, but when he got there he found it was really overwhelming, and he just doesn't know how to cope with it all... Give him time... Give him love and support... How much longer will he be there?

we are retired navy.. My dh was much like yours..for every 10 letters I wrote to him. I'd get maybe 2 back. He explained there wasn't much to talk about. His job was classified so he could not tell me about work,,and every day was much like the rest..I woke up, I went to work, I ate chow, came back to my rack, fell asleep. He said you can't really get a letter out of that. I do understand though...it is a tough life for sure.

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Thanks guys for all your support. I know jobs vary in every unit, but he is a mechanic and from talking to him my understanding is that he never leaves the base. I'm trying to see things from his point of view but it doesn't make it any easier. I guess when your best friend leaves a part of you leaves with them. It is his first deployment to Iraq and you guys may be right. He may not have been as ready mentally as he thought he was. I am continuing to support him to the best of my ability, and not get tooo down on him, but at the same time I think he does need to know how the kids and I feel. Thanks for being so supportive. The people on these boards are great.

My husband is retired military so I know a little of what you are going thru. It is difficult not knowing what is going on with your husband and how you can help. If I might suggest - if you live near a military base check to see what they offer for the spouses. When my husband was deployed the nearby military base had support groups for the spouses and in some cases the spouses formed their own groups. They offered baby-sitting when needed, someone to talk to in times of stress and just all around support. The spouses of military members who had been deployed before were especially helpful in that they'd been thru it and kindda knew the drill. It's not much but I hope this helps a little.

Sue

My first thought is that he is suffering from depression. I hope that he can work through whatever is going on and do a little bit better. Hopefully this will soon be a distant memory for your family...

I just wonder if talking to you or the kids makes him even more homesick than he already is? Hugs to your whole family!

I am not a military spouse but think what's been said here makes a lot of sense - the stress and depression of just being there, it's quite a bit like being a prisoner in a way. Freedoms are minimal. Maybe he just doesn't feel like he can be the husband and father he knows he should be. As far as the mailing the nephew is concerned, I think we all tend to put on our best behavior for extended family, acquaintances and strangers, and perhaps our worst for our closest family...as strange as it might sound. We know that our families will love us despite our flaws and shortcomings.

I am sorry that it doesn't seem like he is not being too supportive and appreciative of the role that you are playing as a military spouse and the extra burden you carry and sacrifices that you make....but I am. Keep your chin up and hopefully this community will provide some solace and support.

cj/

My baby brother is a mechanic too and currently deployed in Iraq with the Marine Corps. I don't know how often he calls my mother or his fiancee. However, this is his 2nd deployment, so last time I know that he often worked 18 hour days seven days a week, and all he wanted to do when he got done with work was sleep (sometimes at the expense of eating dinner). They work those mechanics hard to keep all the equipment running! Once your DH is done with a long day of work, he may not feel up to standing in line for 30 to 60 minutes to make a 10 minute phone call. I know my brother said that hearing our voices made him really homesick, which is why he rarely called last deployment.
I would bet your DH is just exhausted - just keep sending him letters, I guarantee those are the highlight of his days.

What is he hearing when he calls you? Is he hearing about problems or issues? Do you get upset and sad? Are you asking him questions about how he is doing or how he feels that he doesn't want to answer? My DH is on a ship so our calls are very few and far between. However, when he calls I don't get upset or cry. Because I might be fine an hour later, but he doesn't know that so he worries. Also, I don't use the call to talk about negative things. I keep a running list of things I want to mention to him or important questions (like is $35 a fair amount to pay a lawn guy) but otherwise I keep the conversation light and fun. Maybe he feels pressure to have each conversation be significant and 30 minutes long and just doesn't have the energy. Deployment calls are really just a chance to hear each others voice. Five or ten minutes is usually sufficient. He can't do anything to solve any issues or problems you have at home, so there is really no point telling him about it because it just takes his mind off his work and not being focused can be dangerous.

As far as the nephew thing, it might be easier to write him a letter because he can tell him things about his job and such that you many not be interested in.

If you don't think your end of the conversation is causing his distance then all I can suggest is to continue to send letters and packages.

I assume this is your first deployment so you don't have any others to compare his behavior to. This just may be who he is.

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