Okay I am struggling really bad today. My DD who is 15 about to turn 16 wants a car beacaue my older dd got a car for free from her deceased Grandfather. Hubbie also used to make an extremely comformtable living and that has changed due to the closing of this busimess. My kids havn't lacked they have gone to aruba each year since they were babies and a cruise and Disney. Well right now things are really tight and I can't give everything she wants like tanning booths which I don't agree with or sculpted nails and the clothes that are from all the expensive mall stores. She can't work because of her medical conditiona and this is taking an emotional toll on me. We live in a very nice house. Our cars aren't brand new but have been kept to look that way. Lately she just puts down everyyhing and compares us to everyone who has more. I tell her how about the homeless. This kid has been through so much medically but is being hostile to her siblings and us. Should I get her counseling maybe she has other issues that she just needs to talk to someone neutal about. She is a good student and doesn't drink do drugs. She hangs with a great group of girls but whatever we get her from cameras to tvs it's never good enough. I am just very depressed today and needed talk........I also try to tell her we have a college bill, braces, mortage etc but she's 15 and it doesn't penetrate. I wish I could give her everything she wants but isn't a good safe family enough. Ah maybe its just the crazy teenager years.
Do you give your teen daugher or son everything they want and if not do they whine?

__________________

Without Health you have no Wealth!

Personally, I don't think it's a good idea to give into a child's every whim. I didn't get everything that I wanted as a child, and I turned out fine. In fact, I think it made me appreciate the things that I did have even more. I think it's somewhat normal for a teenager to act this way, but if you've always given her what she wanted, then you've also helped turn her into what she is. I'm not trying to sound mean - after all, we all want our kids to have what they want and need, but if they always get everything they want and never have to work for it, then they can become spoiled and ungrateful. You mentioned that she has medical problems, but would it be possible for you to take her to some kind of shelter (for the homeless, or battered women and children) and have her volunteer. I'm sure you could coordinate with staff and find something that she would be able to help with. Maybe she would be more appreciative if she saw how little some people have.

I Agree And She Wants To Volunteer But At Her Hospital But A Shelter Sounds Great. And We Don't Give Her Everything She Wants And That Why She Is Angry Because She Feels Everyone Gets A Lot More Than Her. This May Be True But There Are Those Who Get Much Less. To Me Having A Great And Happy Family Life Makes You Rich But She Just Doesn't Get It.

__________________

Without Health you have no Wealth!

We were fortunate enough to give our kids most of what they wanted. There were many families whose children got more, and many with less. My sons didn't seem to be troubled with this as much as my daughter was about this same age. I finally got fed up with hearing about it and told her to invite all her friends who go out west skiing on the long presidents weekend, and buy the most expensive clothes, etc. and their parents over one evening to help explain to her and to her father and I how to do these things. I told her they eithr made 2 to 3 times as much money as we do , or they are in debt up to their eyeballs. She never did have anyone over, and she finally got over this stuff, and now sees how these friends are paying off college loans that we paid for in full along with a master's degree for herself and her two brothers.
I think this is a normal teen guilt ploy, and I hope you can resolve it for yourself in some way. I remember the stress and guilt also. Time heals all.

Dave Ramsey has a cure for this, he says when families get financially tight, to start selling things, he says " sell so much stuff the kids think they are next. "

http://www.daveramsey.com/etc/ecards...82&intCatId=43

I should add that since I have not worked in 4 months our income has decreased significantly. Our eldest teens were always asking for $ and things. We have not had the $ lately and I expected them to whine and pout (cause they rarely do without) and they have not. They want cars but DH and I at 16 had to buy ours and pay the insurance so they have to do the same. DS#1 has a job now and DS#2 is working on finding one. Not having money is an excellent motivator to get busy.

We raised five boys, four of them a year apart. I couponed, used hand me downs, scrimped and saved what I could to give them what they needed (because I could not work obviously!). The key word for me was "wants" and "needs". They needed to eat, and good god they needed clothes on their back..lol. But a car was a luxury as well as all of the other trinkets that everyone else had that were not a part of survival. (lol). Wants were given as rewards, MAYBE, if they were doing all the right things to be a functioning part of the family.
With that said, I never believed in rewarding bad behavior or irresponsibility. If I wanted to give the boys something, you best believe I will always find a way to give it to them, but if they are not showing respect for us or others in the household... there was no way they would get anything.
My oldest, we bought him a car for $200. A beater Honda. Why? Because he had a job, he worked hard, was respectful overall and showed responsibility. Now, you say $200 car? Big whoop. Well let me say, you NEVER buy a teen (esp a teen boy) a NICE car as a first car. EVER! He went through three cars by the time he was 18!.
Anyway, he paid for insurance (took on a paper route and worked at the grocery store), and paid faithfully for the car. I know you said your daughter can't work, and I don't know the extent of her medical condition..maybe you can elaborate. But the fact is you and your dh will not be there forever to take care of her and give her money financially to buy the things she wants. How will she take care of herself when she gets older? Is there a plan in place for that? What I am getting at, is that if she doesn't learn right now that she can not have everything she wants.. let alone maybe most of her wants (for right now at least)..she will have a very hard time accepting the word "no" when she gets out in the real world.
I had two boys that were rude and disrespectful. A lot of their life has revolved around the "Why me" syndrome. Why am I not getting what everyone else has? They have disrupted our home, not done good in school, and have been overall rude to us and other family members by their behavior alone.
Did they get a car? NO. Could I have bought them one? Yes, but I didn't. Did I flat out tell them no and gvae them a reason why? In a way I did and in a way I made it less painful (I probably shouldn't have). But they got the point and have never asked again. Do either of them have a job to go out and get their vehicles? No. So as far as I am concerned they must not want it THAT bad, or they would.
Anyway, sorry to ramble. I guess what I am trying to say is..

That she is being awfully rude to you and your dh, when it sounds like she has a loving family .You have got to stop living in guilt of what you believe you aren't doing..and look at what you HAVE done. You mentioned a few of the things that you have done for your children (Aruba, etc).. just remind her that times are tight, and for right now there are two reasons that a car is not a possibility..well maybe three:
1. No money to buy one. But maybe in a couple of years, that might change. (you see, give them at least the hope that it could happen..but also let her know that you need her to be more respectful too.)
2. She is not being respectful
3. Is it a possibility that her medical condition could ever keep her from driving? Not sure if that is something to consider. But I just wanted to ask.

Good luck hon.. chin up. Quit beating yourself up.. you sound like a very caring and loving parent!!!!!! She is lucky to have you!

Warning: my opinion only!

Kids who get everything they want/what their friends have will have no respect for where that money came from and will not respect you as a parent. Why should they? From experience, my brother and I got most of what we wanted and I'll tell you, we did not appreciate it at all. We EXPECTED it! That's a HUGE problem in today's society. We all want to live like a celeb instead of in our own range. Then what happens when your child goes out into the real world and everything isn't offered up on a plate? I know I didn't appreciate anything until I had to pay for it myself. Now I appreciate what I did have but it's taken years to realize my stupidity and I know some people never do. I think parent's who give their kids everything are trying to make up for things they aren't giving their children emotionally. My mom and dad were busy working so *stuff* made up for it. Not 100% of people are this way but I think we feel guilty about what we did or didn't have as kids and try to give it all to our kids. And then they whine and cry and want more....that's wrong. Make them earn it. They will thank you in the long run

__________________
Proud to say I haven't shopped at a Wal-Mart since Sept 2003

Well my kids wont be getting a free car because we never did & my dad owned a carlot. My brother now owns the same carlot my dad left behind so I am sure we can get them a good deal on a good used car but they will be working to buy it I babysat for years before I turned 16 & saved my money for a car & then I worked as soon as I turned 16 & saved for another 6 months & finally got my license part of it was I wanted out of my mom & dad house so much LOL!! My kids can expect the same & if they think they wont they have another thing coming LOL!!

__________________
mom of 3 greats girls

I agree with sexysmurf. I too got everything I wanted including a new car at 16 and 2 more new cars before age 18 because I crashed the other 2! I had the best clothes, went everywhere had lavish vacations, and I am 32 years old and still spoiled by my parents who give my family, and my kids lots of extras. My DH has a very good job, we have plenty for extras such as good clothes, cars, house, and vacations, but it';s still not enough for me, and when I tell dh I want something, and he says we better wait a while for that or whatever reason I get so mad like inside like a 2yr. old! I'm working really hard to set my mindframe to debt free living and not spending money for fun, but it's extremely difficult for me! I don't want to ,make my Dh feel inadequate of providing for us, but that is what I'm doing by acting this way so I am trying to change! So I am not against buying a 16 year old a car, but we will be buying one that is a couple years old, and it will be what we get a good deal on, and I do have my kids earn some extras!

__________________
Kristie
mom to Tyler (11/94) & Joycie (3/99)
www.thegrandskofour.shutterfly.com

Joycers Add Me To Your Club. I Too Got What I Wanted And We Have Taken These Lavish Vacations Etc But I Still Do Know The Value Of The Dollar. And I Too Am Trying Really Hard Right Now Not To Feel Neglected In Our New Rebuilding Situation. It Just Really Hurts When You Try And Give Your Kids As Much As Possible And Its Not Enough. I'm Sorry No Matter How Rich Someone Is A Brand New Mercedes Isn't Responsible For A New Driver And The Parents Are Just Showing Off For Themselves. My Kids Are Far From Deprived But I Guess Dd Wants More And My Feeling Is You Have To Earn It Through Respect And Hard Work. She Is A Great Kid But Falling Under The Keeping Up With The School Jones. I Think Parents Put Themselves In The Whole Sometimes For Status. But I Too Whine Like A 2yr Old And I Am Not Proud Of This. Funny Part Is Older Daughter That Is 18 Isn't Like This She Is Cheap

__________________

Without Health you have no Wealth!

I agree with smurf. It really does make it much harder on them later if they haven't been accustomed to living within their means, and have a high level of "stuff" expectation from the minute they're launched from your home.

PS Oraf7, I think your FLC (First Letter Caps) function key may be stuck "on."

I'm going through the same thing. I swear the mouth in it's self is enough to not buy them anything! I however have promised to buy the 1st car ($1000) if they 1. Have A's and B's 2. Respond to us as expected 3. He has to pay for insurance.

I grew up with pretty much whatever I wanted. I didn't appriciate anything I had. Didn't have to work/behave a certain way for anything. If my dad had his way we wouldn't have had anything except what we worked for. Looking back that's the way it should of been.

__________________
My MySpace Page

To Leave Me FeedBack Click HERE

I never got or gave my kids those kinds of things both my oldest sons worked and bought their own cars and insurance.
you say she cant work because a medical condition does that include babysitting maybe she can earn a little money doing that or pet sitting walking dogs something in that line.

__________________
Tim
My Husband, My Love....Best Dad
You Were Taken From Us Way To Soon
Forever In Our Hearts
We Will Always Love You
2-18-69 TO 12-23-03
http://www.freewebs.com/mcgrathville/index.htm

NOPE, and YUP!!!

We live quite comfortably, and I do not have a job outside of the home. My kids have everything they need, and then some. They know, if it isn't clothing or food, the standard answer is "we'll have to discuss it as a family, and see". They don't like that answer, usually, but, too bad. We're the parents here, and we pay the bills and make the rules. We're trying hard right now to show DS that just because someone "appears" to be rich, really doesn't mean they are. The older he gets, the more it sinks in.

I'm pretty sure we won't be buying our kids a car when they start driving. If they get one from a relative, well, I think I'd make them share it. We'll have to cross those bridges when we get there. My kids know, save your money, because there will always be something newer, hotter, greater, whatever, that will come along. And, if you save your money for things, you will be SO ahead of the game.

Not sure if that helped or not, but, basically, NO my kids don't get everything they want, but, that's how it goes.

__________________
Doing the right thing isn't always the same as doing the easy thing.

Well she has worked a little when possible and she actually wants to work but with being in the Hospital approx 6 times at 10-11 times each it's hard. She gets really serious infections and maybe she has been a bit spoiled but equally disiplined. Its just hard because of her situation she has limitations. I give her credit though because she wants to give back by volunteering in pediatrics this summer. She really is a great kid but feels she just needs more in the way of material stuff and believe me she isn't lacking. I am a bit strict and feel she needs to earn it whether through respect, household chores, babysitting for us etc. I am trying to teach her values because I feel she has been too spoiled I guess.

__________________

Without Health you have no Wealth!

Sounds like your DD is a typical teenager, where the grass always appears greener on the other side. If she appears to be exhibiting anger management problems or signs of depression for an extended period of time, then perhaps an appointment should be made with a psychiatrist and therapist.

My son is 16yrs. He is at the stage where fitting in is most important. Peer opinions exceed family views. Communication is freer with peers than the parent. But I keep the communication lines open anytime he needs me. I keep in mind that these are the teens years & bite the bullet.

__________________
We're off to never never land

I dont think that kids should get everything that they want, because when they do its never enough and its not appreciated. It sounds like she may be depressed though and usually people like that need new things to "make them feel good about themselves" I would probably suggest a psychologist just in case, I didnt get everything that I wanted and I turned out just fine, whereas my parents made that mistake with my older sister and she throws it in their face now that she always got everything that she wanted and why should it change now. I'm not saying that I wasn't spoiled but my parents did tell me no every now and then....Maybe you could come to a compromise. Good Luck

My eldest was given a car that he and dh fixed up at age of 17 , that car lasted about 2 months. Then he drove my OLD paint peeling etc van until his graduation party. He had to pay for insurance on both vehicles, so he worked. DD has already said she wanted a better car and is working to save money, we will pay up to 1000 dollars. she will have to pay for insurance. I wasn't given a car .

Ok I let my DD read this she also is 15 and has alot of friends whose parents are well to do. (we are upper middle class) she said to tell your daughter to get over it and learn to adapt, if someone gives you something you should be grateful and not be mean. If what you give her isn't good enough stop giving her anything and tell her why.
We live around alot of people that worked for delta and had to adjust their living style. seems alot of girls (don't really notice this behavior in boys) around here are going through what your daughter is. My best advise is lay it on the line for her . even disappointment isn't a reason to be rude to your family

I was given an old-clunker to drive when I was a Senior in high school because we moved 10 miles away and I needed to go to my old school in order to get a full-ride scholarship to college. I guess my mom weighed the money value of it (single mom) and decided that since I was earning straight A's and was going to get a full-ride, Child Support would pay for gas, license, and insurance.

That was where the spoiling ended though. I probably had 5 mix-and-match outfits to wear to school and one pair of shoes... I put myself through college (full-ride scholarship and a student loan for the last year since it took me 5 years!). My mom taught me a LOT about frugality.

I am actually very determined not to spoil my own children although we have not reached the car-driving years it feels like two cars should be enough for a family of 4?!. I do know that we will get them each a cell phone for their own safety (which is actually a HUGE concern of mine and hasn't been mentioned much in this thread) if riding with others or driving themselves but not sure yet about the car. My sister/brother-in-law have their children match them dollar for dollar on any wants (vs. needs).

Our high school is a mile away -- bike! It's easier to park anyway!

My DD is almost 13 and wanted a pair of sneakers before Xmas and even being on sale they cost more than I have spent on a pair of shoes in maybe 15 years. I did buy them but to put it in perspective for her I let her know that I had to work for 2 hours to make enough money to buy them. I think that any time you can give them a real world lesson they learn from it. She hasn't complained for weeks when I ask her to do 5 minutes of housework for me.

As for buying a car, I bought my first car when I was 22 before that I had a bike, bus or legs to get where I was going. So needless to say my girls will not be getting a car from us when they turn 16.

We gave our daughter my car when she turned 17.We did not let her drive alone for months.We made sure she was "ready" to drive when we finally let her drive alone.Well she is 20 now and driving the same car and knock wood no accidents.It takes alot of time and practice to prepare them for what is out there and if you take the time it will pay off.We pay for her car insurance as long as she keeps up her college grades.She is on the Deans List.She works part time since she is a full time college student.When she was smaller we did give her alot and i think its because she had cronic asthma and she was sick ALOT.She did go through a give me give me stage but as she got older and i mean high school age we told her how expensive things are and explained debt and how hard it is to get out of when you get in it.I have always been thrifty and she sees that and is now the same.My suggestion is to set her down and tell her how much you love her and explain how much these things cost and how much hard work it takes to buy the things and if she wants them she has to have a part in getting them.It all goes back to hard work.Someone in some way had to work hard for her to be so lucky to have parents who give her so much.If she doesn't learn now she may be in for a hard fall when she gets on her own.Its for her own good that you slow down now.Take it a little at a time and when she does volunteer work tell her what a diiference she has made in someones life who does not have it as good as her.I hope for you her illness will get better as she ages.Please don't let either of you use it as a crutch.

We're teaching our kids You buy a "NEW" house, you buy a "USED" car.
and have explained depreciation. Well we've explained in terms they, as kids, can understand.

As soon as they were old enough to understand the concept of "value" I started teaching them what my father taught me.

A distinct difference between wealthy people and "not so wealthy" (poorer) people is the fact that
Wealthy people tend to buy things that AP-PRECIATE in value and Poorer people tend to buy things that DE-PRECIATE in value.
Money is a tool and needs to be used as such. It holds much greater value when you have to invest your time, effort and engery to get it.


Trying to determine if the item in question is going to "hold it's value" is something teenagers can do.

Empower your daughter to think outside the box as far as her earning potential goes. It does sound like there are unique circumstances for her but that should not hold her back, it should make her more creative.
There are ways to earn money without being "out" in the workforce.


Hang in there "mom"!(OP-oraf7) This is an opportunity for you to share some wisdom with your daughter.

X

I was given my sisters old car (she went to college out of state and didn't want to take it). She wrecked it so it was 3 different colors (dad fixed it fter the wreck). I never once asked for it to be painted, I didn't care what it looked like I was just happy to have a car. I didn't have to pay insurance as long as I didn't get any tickets. (Seeing what my parents paid for my insurance was a big incentive not to get a ticket).

My kids (6&8) already know we will match what ever they save for a car. I'm thinking we should of put a limit on what we'll pay though, because my 8 yr old already had about $250 saved up for his car. They also have to buy their own toys. DD saved for several months to buy her first big toy ($30) and she was so excited paying for it all by herself and takes better care of that toy then anything else she has. They get a set amount of money when we go cloths shopping. They learned early it's better to get 2 or 3 pair of cheaper jeans instead of one pair of expensive ones. When they need shoes I'll set a limit and if they want ones that cost more they can pay the extra. They get their money from b-days, doing extra stuff around the house and helping other people. DS rode his bike a few blocks to water some peoples lawn (they reseeded a few spots) while they were on vacation. They've sold some of their stuff at a garage sale (they're already looking for stuff to sell this summer). They also have a couple geckos that they take care of and breed, then sell the babies.

My daughter and I were just discussing this earilier this morning. She was saying that a friend of hers who is having a baby just picked up all the furniture that her parents bought for the baby. That was nice of them, but we just talked about how peoples expectations in life have seemed to change. When I had her, my parents bought a crib, but the rest of the furniture was hand me downs. The reason I was talking with her about this is because I want her to be happy with what she has when it gets to be her turn. To help her remember that we don't "deserve" anything, and to be always thankful for what we do have.

She got married in August and it was very difficult at times. My husband had to take a different job Dec. of 2005 because of the depressed economy in our area. So money has been tighter than ever. We were able to swing the wedding, and it was beautiful, but some things, like a professional photographer had to be given up. I felt awful at times, but she was so gracious. While we wanted to give her EVERYTHING she wanted for her weddind, I think it was very healthy in some ways. We want to see our kids happy and have everything they want, but it's not always the best thing. I am way more concerned with her character than whether she has the shoes or coat or baby furniture that seems so important in the moment.

here are some wedding pics if you are interested.......
http://picasaweb.google.com/MomRaJu?pli=1

I have to say that I too was raised on the "richer" side. As I got older, I exspected ALOT from my parents. Anything I wanted at the store, went on vactaions every year (yes sometimes 2 in one year). I though back then I deserved everything I got! I still felt that way when I met my husband. He asked me to marry him and got me an engagment ring... It was small and I felt that I needed an bigger one. Everytime I think that, I want to cry now because that broke his heart. He said to me that it was the best he could do. I never said it to him, but he said he could see it in my eyes. I was young and ignorent, but I changed that day. I still have the ring (and wouldnt change it for ANYTHING!). We dont live "high on the hog", but we have everything that we need. I love him soo much, and NEVER want him to feel that way again. To tell you the truth, I wish my parents didn't give me everything I wanted.