From weds till Friday all my 10 yo has talked about was this movie date her and 2 of her good classmates are doing at the movies on Friday, My rules to DD were she could go BUT, the girl(x) mother had to take them and stay at the movies.( Sorry 10 Yo is way too young to be *dropped off* at the movies alone )well this is no problem as I was told the mom was staying and taking them.
Girl #1 I'll call X
Girl #2 I'll call Y
Friday, DD calls girl X and asked when will her mom be here to pick her up, X tells DD we are not going, DD was disappointed, but she will recover from it.
DD calls girl Y to see what happen and girl Y tells DD me and X are going her mom is coming to get me in 20 mins, DD starts to cry ( I mean her heart is BROKEN she crying like i have never seen before)
DD calls X back to ask why she told her this and why is Y telling her they are going, X tells her call you back hangs up, Mean time DD calls Y back and ask are you sure you are going ? Y tells her, I never told you I was going ?> WTH, I was sitting right there when she said it )I tried to explain to DD maybe they are not as good of friends as she had thought and maybe they didn't want her to go. DD is really sad and really heart broken her 2 good friends are doing this.
X calls back and tells DD well we are going and if your mom cannot take you Y's mom told me she will run by to pick you up., So DD calls Y and ask to speak to her mom, Mom gets on phone I asked about this movie date and mom tells me SHE KNOWS NOTHING about this, and she never said anything about taking DD or her DD even going to the movies, ( I'm about to crawl under a rock over this because now I have made a FOOL out of myself asking her about picking up DD for this *movie date* )

DD called X backs and confronts her with this, Y yells at DD WE ARE NOT GOING TO MOVIES BUT NOW GOING TO EAT, LAUGHS ! and hangs up in DD face.

My DD is CRUSHED over her 2 supposedly good friends doing this to her, I cannot make her understand some kids are like this just mean and do things to hurt others feelings.She just don't get it.She really believes once you are friends this means you never hurt or lie to that person, you never do things to hurt them just because,( KWIM ? ) All night long on and off I caught my DD crying about this,, I finally told her she wouldn't be allowed to talk over the phone to X and Y any more .

To be honest I really don't understand it either, why would they do this, why would any child do this to their friend* Or supposedly friend.
Is it bad parenting ?> the child is just plain mean >? they want to see how deeply they can hurt another person >?
I don't get it either, But tried my best to explain it to DD.

If I ever found out my DD did anything like this, I would ground her till shes 18, But I know she wouldn't do it, My DD is the type.. a friend is for life type.
I feel so bad for her, these girls have spent the last 2 years in the same classroom ( all girls classroom ) and they also knew each other from elementary school.( they are in the 5th grade now )
Can anyone give me advice on what to say to her to make her feel better ? she still hasn't recovered from this and its Saturday evening, she looks so SAD,so Hurt. anything i can say to her ??

Thanks for reading.

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MyCoupons Is #1 for Holiday Shopping

I can say you have given her the right advise so far.

It really does hurt children when other children are mean and play games with there emotions. Sometimes I wonder what parents are teaching their children. I am sorry she is facing this.

Just remind her that she is special and does not need to waste her time on girls like that. Tell her she is too special for it.

Good Luck

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Give me the wisdom and grace to understand

Tracy S
Mommy to 5 little girls
Victoria
Alyssa
Samantha & Selena
Malaya
Tracy_s5girls@yahoo.com

Thanks Tracy, I tried to explain it to DD best I could, But I really don't understand it myself.

See her very very best friend in the world moved this summer and DD has had a hard time dealing with it. Since we all live in a rural area, they can't just walk to each others homes.
So having *friendship*mean alot to her.She ( OMG I almost can't hold back the tears from this ) even asked me if I would invited them both here for a sleep over and watch rented movies. ( Now don't get this wrong, DD has many many friends, she isn't a loner at all. she attends church, school programs, so the lack of friends is not a problem with her, She just don't understand these 2 girls are not her friends.

I don't know how to explain it to her with out just saying THEY ARE BRATS, THEY HAVE NO MANNERS AND LACK THE GOOD SENSE TO KNOW WHAT FRIENDSHIP IS ! (Kwim )I don't want her to feel like she is the one that has to make all this *right* ( Kwim )

I think she is too kind hearted, but I don't want to place a sour taste in her mouth about trust( Don't want her to go around judging who may or may not be a Friend to her.
Did that make sense ?

I think shes just so hurt over this she can't see the trees for the forest.

She really liked the girls and they talked DAILY ( Believe me they talked daily over the phone ) I think she just hasn't came to terms with what took place or maybe she just can't accept her *friends* did this to her, and I want her to know that they did, but in the most kindness way possible.

But, I'm at a total lost over just how to do it.
I like the term you use, she's too special to waste her time on them. When we talk to night about this I'll remind her over how special she is.
Thanks a million I appreciate it.

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MyCoupons Is #1 for Holiday Shopping

Been there, done that. DD used to be a lot softer than what she is now. She still is a softy but not as bad. DD is now the talk of certain others at school because she has more guy friends than girl friends. Well, DUH, at this age (13) boys are nicer than 75% of the girls. Girls can be so mean and hateful. Next door neighbor children are the same age as my children (girl 13, boy 11). Bad part about it, the girl has been a snot for several years and the brother is now picking up on it. The boy was arrogant enough to admit to DS the only reason he calls him to play is when he's bored. How cruel is that?!?

Well I have to say you have done a good job with your daughter she knows how to stand up for herself. At that age I would have not had the guts to call the girls and confront them. I think it's wonderful that she can do it. It is so hard to watch other children hurt your child. Girls are so mean. Don't you remember? I sure do my feelings were always hurt and it even harder to watch your children go through the same thing.
Have fun with your DD this weekend try to remind her how special she is. Get her self-esteem back up there. Maybe call another friend and take them to the movies. It's so hard...Keep her head up and Good Luck

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cmemaloy@yahoo.com


I'd rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not.

Life! is a coin. You can spend it anyway you wish, but you can only spend it once.

I went on a field trip with my DS's third grade class yesterday and came home absolutely SHOCKED by the behavior of girls this age. In the span of three minutes these girls can go from mortal enemies to the best of friends. They were absolutely horrible! (Granted, it wasn't ALL of them, but I'd say easily 75% of them.)

I do remember being the age of the OP's daughter and seeing and experiencing all sorts of cattiness and ugly behavior. I'm sure at some point I was in the middle of it as well. In fact, I know I was. Girls can be so vicious, it's hard to say what causes it. Fifth grade is such a turning point as far as maturity and adolescence, kids are desperate to find a pecking order and probably for the first time in their lives, are judged by the company they keep.

I'd hate to lay blame directly on the parents, I know I've heard both of my boys make comments that were rude and uncalled for. And believe me, we do NOT condone that sort of thing.

Hopefully she won't take this to heart (or at least some of the hurt will subside) and the girls will remain friends in the end. I think it's an ugly stage that they (we) all go through and hopefully come out okay on the other side.

I'm sorry that she's been hurt so badly, maybe you could let her invite a friend or two to the movies and take them yourself?

No advice, just sympathies.....very happy to have boys when it comes to stuff like this, they don't seem to act this way...

This isn't the reason we decided to homeschool, but it was certainly one of the benefits. My DD was in the 6 th grade and missed most of this. We actually put them in a Christian school for a few months before deciding to hs and this IS the reason we pulled them out of there. I just couldn't take it. Some girls are just mean, and I don't understand why moms don't step in. Just because it's "the way it is" doesn't mean we have to tolerate it, that was my take on it. My DD didn't treat others this way, and she was "unpopular' till college. Now most of the girls who hated her before have a great amount of respect for her.

Good job on handling this. Stick to it, it's worth it in the end....
and

cjs216.........you're right, boys don't seem as bad! ;0)

I have a 3rd grade daughter. She is in a tiny school, only 1 class for each grade except 1st grade. There's only 5 girls in her class and none that she totally "clicks" with but she'll befriend anyone. She too is a soft hearted person and has been burned so many times by mean girls. From K-2nd grades she had a girl who was supposedly her best friend. I saw the signs from early on that this girl was mean. Without saying "she's mean don't be her friend", I tried to warn dd. But she thought this girl hung the moon. By the end of 1st grade, this girl had hurt my dd's feelings but she was quick to forgive. 2nd grade was horrible. Every other day, she came home crying because this girl would say terrible things to her. My dd finally learned to stand up for herself without being mean. She simply didn't talk to this girl anymore. This girl's mother, who had been my friend at one time, ended up cussing me out at school in front of the kids.....so I'd say the girls behavior had a lot to do with the parenting. JMO though.
I really cannot believe the drama that goes on in 3rd grade. It's crazy. Even among the boys!!
OP, I hope your dd finds a new friend(s), ones that truly care about her. Keep reminding her that she does deserve better and will find better!

Thank- You all so much for all the stories and words.

We went out to eat tonight and thus far DD hasn't said anything more about them.( Thank- Goodness )
Y'all know the thing that has me stumped is, wonder why the Mother didn't into this ? What I mean is this
If I had a Mother called me and say, Hi Mrs. XXX, The girls told me you will pick up XXX tonight for the Movie date, Can you tell me what time to have XXX ready ?If I didn't know what the heck she was talking about you better believe me I would !!!!!!I would get to the bottom of that so fast everyones eyes would pop. And when I found out what had been going on, OMG talk about T-R-O-U-B-L-E FOR DD
Man she would be in MAJOR MAJOR trouble. Not only would she be in trouble, she would be made to call back to the Mother and tell her what she had did and say she was sorry.

I have had to make my kids tell someone they were sorry for stating things they didn't check with me about 1st.

I have been known to make my 18 yo niece tell someone she cussed in front of at wal-mart she was sorry she used that language !
But I didn't get a call back from the Mom, so I guess she didn't find this to be a big deal

Thanks again everyone, glad to see this happens more than I knew about, Guess these girls are going Thur some kind of stage right now, hope they don't keep the pattern for long.

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MyCoupons Is #1 for Holiday Shopping

this is the reason I decided to only have boys...
I can't stand the drama! Little girls can be so mean, I know, I used to be one. As a mom it's hard to see your kids get hurt. Make sure you give the other girl the "evil eye" next time you see her-she'll get the drift...............

I teach 6th. grade so I have seen what you have described. I am so sorry for your daughter. I wish she were near me. I am (don't mean to brag) a very well liked and respected teacher with parents and students alike. When I have seen this I usually will find many wonderful things about the one who has been "hurt" and make that person special to me, their parents, and school for the next few weeks. Soon other "nice" students draw them into their circle of nice friends and the MEAN GIRLS are left to themselves! I know the power a teacher has and sometimes it can be used for things other than just getting student to give their best effort academically.

polalxa You are a WONDERFUL Teacher !! I wish there were more like you out there. Good Job !

You also sound just like the girls last year Teacher, The reason we placed DD in a all girls classroom was the pressure they take for others at this age ( Boy's. Girls fighting about this boy that boy, you know what I mean )These girls at 1 point or another ALL have been in the same classroom together, whether or not it's been in 4th/ 5th or K-5. So they are all been together for the last 5- 6 years and knows each other.

We have had many classrooms trips/ parties/ plays etc so it's not like any of them are the
*New Girl on the block *

I love this all girls classroom, as a matter of fact, they tested higher than ANY classroom in the WHOLE STATE of Alabama So did the all boy's classroom. sadly this is only for the 4th and 5th grades ....

The Teacher last year did many many classroom roles for girls fighting over boy's, talking about each other, fighting and being mean to each other and others. So this HAS been taught at least from the Teacher/School end.

I remember last year 2 girls were fighting with each other daily, finally the teacher gave ALL the girls a week worth of studying on how to act like a lady . They had to write each night what was acceptable behavior and what was not .

The Teacher taught the girls how to sit when wearing dresses, how to dress like a little young lady, things like this.
They were even taught how to set a table the right way.

I guess these girls didn't carry the lesson they were taught from last year to this year.

Oh well, Maybe this will be a lesson to DD, if you act in this manner you will lose people GOOD People in your life,
Maybe there was a lesson in this after all.

__________________
MyCoupons Is #1 for Holiday Shopping

That really stinks. I'm so sorry, OP.

I think that girls that age do what they do for sport. Literally.

When you're playing basketball, do you feel any emotion regarding the other team when you go to make a 3-point shot right over their heads? Nope. It's all a game, and the object is to see what you can do. You don't check the other bench to see if there are tears. You press ahead and enjoy the rush as you widen the gap between your point count and theirs. It's a game.

In the games of girls, reactions count as points. Pull something, get a reaction, earn a point.

They have very little empathy while they're playing the Game, but when they walk off the court and decide they want to be real warm-blooded people again, they cozy right back up as though they were never opponents.

When this has happened to my DD, I do tell her they're acting like brats. I tell her that they'll probably grow up to be fine people, and that in many instances they're probably even fine right now, but that it's not uncommon for even the best of girls, at this age, to test their power to make other girls feel like they're underneath them on the totem pole. I tell her it's that girl's reaction to feeling like she isn't top dog, and that the only thing that counts to ME is dd's reaction to the other girl's game. I tell her not to take it personally, and pray for the next year or two to go by quickly, because eventually everyone finds their fit in the world, and has less need to pull tricks to make themselves feel good.

I had this happen to me as an ADULT! We were living on a military base. I had a "friend"..the base decided to sponsor a trip to ...of all things, a religious sanctuary. Friend and I were going, taking our kids along, were going to sit together on the bus, etc..

About a week before the trip..my friend decided to do home day care for the navy. She was new at it and nervous. Fast forward to the bus trip..we get on, sit together, and chat..be friends..soon another woman..a very high up there church member I might add..had her hands in so many church events..so well thought of, etc..she began to chat with my friend.. Turns out she did home day care too..but she was more experienced. My friend soon switched seats to sit closer to the girl..and the rest of the trip, they BOTH ignored me ! I mean avoiding eye contact, pretending they did not see me, etc. I was heartbroken..and here I was..in my late 30's! My friend and her new pal jsut took off on the tour, left me alone..walked right by me in church...

after the service, there was a beautiful luncheon outside..I took my kids and sat there while my friend and her new friend acted like I was not even there..I cried buckets when I got home. It was heartbreaking...and no rhyme or reason to it.
I am sorry to hear of this for your daughter. I guess it is something we just have to get thru. Your daughter is lucky to have such a caring mom..hugs to you both !!

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Live, Love, Laugh

I run Girl Scouts, teach CCD, work with 5th & 6th graders at school..plus my own 3 kids. I can tell you that things are not the same when we were growing up. Girl especially are mean to each other. My daughter will be 10 in June and has had the same problem this year. I tell her she is a good friend and if they act like that they are not a good friend and don't waste your time on them. We had one friend that would sleep over and be at our house 24/7 all summer and I went to drop something off to her mom and the girl had a ton of girls over (my daughter was crushed). My heart was breaking for her!! Another one with a sleep over birthday party. We had the date and I asked what she wanted then all of a sudden no party (really did). I know my kids are good, especially when teachers tell me constantly! It is easier raising boys!

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Carolyn
At the Jersey Shore

I am sorry that your daughter is having to experience such behavior from her so called friends. Its hard to sit back as a loving parent and not interfer when you see your child being hurt. My daughters are 11 and 21, so I have been thru it with one daughter and just starting to enter that phase with the other. My oldest daughter and I had a rough time regarding some of her friends during her teen years. But, she made it thru and now realizes how wonderful *true* friends can be in your life. I also work at a local High School and I am sad to say that the situation regarding friends only gets worse in High School. Its sad the way our young woman treat each other. I don't really have any words of wisdom, except just try to keep the communication lines open with your daughter and let her know you are there for her. I know that its impossible to pick your child friends, no matter how much we would like to....it just doesn't work! Good Luck....

Tammyleeb -

Indeed, it is sad the way our young - and old - woman treat each other. It often seems that we are our own worst enemies. For the life of me, I can't understand it. As much as men drive me nuts, they are predictable and very simple...LOL

cj/

O.P. let you girl know she is to good to be with the mean girls. We wouldn't want it to rub off onto her.

Girls are mean and so are some women! I tell my dd's that you don't have to like the child but you do have to be NICE to them. I don't except that they are girls and that's how they act. Come on we all know better! I made my girls read The Hundred Dresses, a really good book about girls making fun of an other girl. We talk about what is right and how others made you feel.

My dd 3rd grader her friend she made a Valentine card for, which the girl ripped up in front of her and told her she is not her friend. When I picked her up from school that day she was in tears and told me why. I just asked is this girl really your friend?? Would a friend do this?

My dd 5th grader saw a friend cheat the girl told her not to say anything. My dd went to lunch, then gym and she thought about the girl cheating. She went up to the teacher before the rest of the day was over and told her. She just couldn't live with what she saw and not tell. The girl told her that she was not her friend.(This girl is a teacher's dd and in the gifted program.) My dd reaction was that she will get over it and that tomorrow there will be something else.

I let my girls know that friends will always be there for you and they are hard to find.

We had a similiar issue happen a few weeks ago with my 10 year old daughter who is also in the 5th grade. I tell ya, it must be the beginning of all of the 'crap' to come (can't ya wait 'til high school?!). Maybe it's all related to the up and coming hormonal changes.

At the beginning of the school year, my daughter met a new kid in her class who also shares her first name. They even look similar. This little girl had just moved here from a nearby town. As luck would have it, she lives just a block away from us, in walking distance (we are in a small town that goes to school in a larger district, if that makes any sense). My daughter was overly excited about having a new friend that lives just up the road. Right from the start this little girl starts calling NUMEROUS times a day (like to the point of abnoxiousness), walks over, etc. After about a week of this, she calls one night and wants to know if her PARENTS can come over!? We were right in the middle of dinner (it just so happened to be my daughter's b'day dinner & cake, presents with family--not friends as she didn't have a 'friend' party this year) and I thought it was very very strange that the parents would just up and invite themselves over after a week of our daughters knowing each other. The next week or so every time the little girl called she would say that her parents are planning to walk their dog over for awhile. They actually did at one point, but I didn't know they were here (the kids were outside--we have several acres). I had told my daughter to tell the little girl over the phone the first time that we'd have to do the get together another night due to the reasons above, etc., and now the parents just come over without calling?! Who does that? Now I was automatically 'suspicious' about how strange the issue with the parents wanting to come over, etc., was. I sat my daughter down and had the long discussion about how to be careful around people that want to be fast and furious friends. KWIM? I did this as my daughter's best friend went to another middle school this year due to zoning and she is desperately looking for a good friend again at her school. My experience has been that people that basically stalk you to be their friend, either there is a reason that they don't 'have' any friends or they are the type of person that befriends you, becoming your best friend and quickly moves on. Growing up I have witnessed/been involved in 'the parents have to get involved to get their kid a friend' type of thing and learned to be very leary of these types of kids as it always turned out there were social issues with the kids (mean, hateful, liars, etc. so they had a major hard time making friends on their own and keeping them).

Over the next several months, girls are 'great' friends, they call each other about homework, just to talk a little, email each other homework stuff, go over and borrow books, etc. My daughter has even asked the little girl to go several places but there was always a reason like either she wasn't home at that time, etc. The parents have been very nice to my daughter, the mom is a vendor and gives my daughter her product when she's been over (just a few times to play). As months go on, it gets to the point that I am hearing that this girl has befriended the 'rich' girls in the school (a serious click at our school sadly) and isn't really having much to do with my daughter and the other girls. I totally do not get involved with these things as I know it's just how it is at this age (even though it's heartbreaking to watch). After about a month, this little girl has been dumped by the rich click and is back being best friends with my daughter. Get the picture? Shortly after she's back with the rich click again and my daughter is out again (we are normal middle class people--this town has some seriously rich people in it--which doesn't and shouldn't matter but for some reason seems to with school age kids I've found). My daughter is very well liked by everyone and is friends with everyone at her school (her homeroom teacher even told us that this year as have all of her teachers in the past).

In February this girl came to school and announced to my daughter that she was having a slumber party, told her and a few of the other girls in the class who she was inviting (most of the rich girls that are in other classes). She actually had the lack of manners to tell my daughter that sorry she couldn't invite her (she was being snotty about it apparently) as she could only invite a set amount of people. My daughter was crushed. So we have the talk again about fast & furious friends/fly by nighters vs. true friends. Sorry this is so long as it really broke my heart about as much as it did my daughter's. This little girl has actually called a few times since the slumber party to get homework assignments, etc. (what would you guys do about that--the mom in me wants to intervene but I generally stay out of these things like I said before). I think she is using my daughter (my daughter is a straight A student and has tutored her a few times in the things she was not doing well in) but at this age what do you do? My daughter, while hurt still over all of this, still is very nice to her, waves, talks at school, etc. I guess it's a learning experience for us moms too. It's so hard to stay out of these things.

Edited to add that it's the major click thing with the parents at this school too. It's like a big social event. They are always scheduling 'fundraisers' (the rich moms that practically run the school are all on the PTO, etc.) for parents only (like the upcoming dinner & ball after the golf tournament at a local country club--brother). If you aren't in the 'in' click then you are nothing at this school. Seems like the teachers even go along with it, I can't figure it out (other than the obvious duh of that's where the money for all of the extras is coming from--the rich families--and this is a public school). I think what I've seen is the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. KWIM.