I want to apologize in advance if this gets too long. My BF and I had his neices and nephew (they are 10-8-6) for the weekend (fri-sun) to give his brother a break (he has custody of the kids, that in itself is a long story) I love kids, so i thought we would have a great fun-filled weekend. My BF had to go into work so I said no probolem I will do stuff with the kids like I would do with my own, so I took them to the mall and a few other places that I needed to go to. After being in the mall less than 5 min all i could think was "what was I thinking " they took off in 3 diffeernent directions, then every store we went in they felt like I should have got them something (I have kids and my kids wouldnt do half of what these 3 did) the oldest one took a $6 keychain from the Disney store (I found that out after we had returned home, she asked me for it, I said no so when i went to chase down the other 2 she stuck it in her pocket ) I took them for ice cream and that was a disaster which i wont go into. They totally distroyed my apartment to where after they left it took me almost 6 hours to clean it. I told my boyfriend not to take it personally but next time they come over we need to make a list of rules for them to follow. I never had to tell my kids stuff like that cause my kids would never behave like this at someone else's home., Then while I was cleaning I noticed that a bag I had with some stuff in it for my daughter's easter basket was missing, a long with a necklace that I got as a CHristmas gift and some other stuff were gone. I called my BF and sure enough the oldest had it all in her backpack. She tried telling him I gave it to her heres the problem, I know the kids have issues, and I know their dad deserves a break and the kids told him they had a great time and want to come back. I wont mind if they came back just one at a time but all 3 at once was a bit much and I am usually a paitent person but I think with them I may loose my paitence and start yelling. So I sat down last night and made a list of rules. Please be honest and tell me what you think and what I should take out / add and any other suggestions Thank you

The rules
1. There is NO eating / drinking in any room but the kitchen (I found food/ spilled soda/juice all over the hosue)
2. No throwing things at each other or anything (I found a few broken things of mine which upset me)
3. When we go out to eat you are to eat what you order and there is no fighting to get someone else's food or grabbing off of each other's plates
4. In public if you take off I will leave you whereever we are and you will have to find your own way home (I tried that at the mall and they laughted at me )
5. If you take something out to play with... put it back. If I say something is a gift for someone.. do not open it and say "I dont know " when asked who did it.
6. My bedroom is off limits. No one is to be in there and there is no exceptions. there is nothing in there that you will need
7. there is no eating / drinking in the car or fighting while I am driving

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~~~~**Maryann**~~~~

I just got a firm grip on reality....
Now I can strangle it

Wow I have to say be glad that they aren't his kids. I think your rules are nothing out of the ordinary. I think all kids need rules and should have to follow them. Maybe their Dad is overwhelmed with 3 kids on his own. I know my husband would be with our 3.

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cmemaloy@yahoo.com


I'd rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not.

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Well, #4 should be take off unless you really mean you will leave a young child at the mall. And the rules mean nothing without consequences, what are the consequences? Sounds like these children lack discipline and you cannot remedy that if they are visiting once every couple months.

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Raising my baby RIGHT!!!!!!

All the cool babies are wearing cloth!

All rules except #4 sound like regular rules to me. #4 could end you up in jail if you really mean it

Hate to say it, but if these kids acted they way they did, do you REALLY think a page of rules is going to help? I doubt it. They will laugh at you and say "you aren't my mom" and you can't discipline them since you are not the parent so what is going to stop them from doing it all again? You said this happened at your apartment. Could your BF have them at his apartment or do you share the apartment? The kids behavior seems like a cry for help (especially the stealing!) but there is really nothing you can do if the dad isn't handling the situation. You can't take on the parental role. In the future, I would not take them out. It's obvious they don't know how to act when they are out. You might consider removing breakables or valuables while they are there.

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Proud to say I haven't shopped at a Wal-Mart since Sept 2003

Wow!!

I agree u need to set rules. I also think they will just blow them off and do what they want (sorry)

Good luck

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Dawnie
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If there is a will there is a way!

That's exactly what I was going to say. A set of rules won't stop these kids. Sounds like they haven't had any discipline and visiting you for a weekend certainly won't change anything. As far as the stealing goes and the visit overall, I think the father of these kids needs to be told. If it makes him mad at you, so be it. He needs to know. (He probably already knows). If these kids are acting like this at this age and stealing now, what's next on the list?

It's good to set those rules when they visit, but trying to get them to adhere to them and you trying to enforce them is another thing.

I think that your rules are nothing that is not expect of a normal child ( except #4, not sure I would include it or maybe change it...like if you run off in the mall, we immediately go home)....

But I would not expect things to run smoothly even with the rules, unless you tell them up front, that although you love them and love having them over, you also have certain expectations of them while they are with you....then go into and explain your rules. I would also let them know again that although you love them and having them over, unless they can live with and obey your rules, you won't feel comfortable having them over again as the rules are for their own safety.....

I too agree that their Dad needs to know about what went on during this last visit...Maybe even try to reward them and praise them for good behaviour instead of focusing on what they did wrong....and maybe taking them out in public is not such a good idea until you know that they are willing to work with you on the behaviours

These are children I personally wouldnt be willing to take again I would let the dad know they are not welcome back but thats just me.

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mom of 3 greats girls

I would most definite tell dad the way the acted, and let him know that it is NOT ok. I would take the theif back to the disney store and have him/her take back what she /he stole as soon as I saw it! That will show consequences. Why would she quit if she didn't have to take it back and say sorry..? I hope things get better... I really think stealing is a phase that kids go through.I remember I took a candy bar for the store once... lol

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Too many people spend money they haven't earned to buy things they don't want, to impress people they don't like. - Will Rogers

I think the rules are great except for rule #4. Since they behaved the way they did. Have you decided what to do if they break any of the rules? If it was me I would give them one warning only and the next rule they break I would take them home. I would tell them your are welcome to come back but you must follow my rules.

With taking one kid at a time. I think they will behave better for you espeically if your kids are around they may follow suit on how your kids behave. I know when I watch my friends kids they were little dare devils but when they were seperated they were little angels

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Angels may not come when you call them, but they'll always be there when you need them.

I know what you are going through because you sound like me......with a major soft heart....who probably rationalizes that these kids have had a hard time....mom/dad are overwhelmed....I know Me and my daugthers usually have the "under dogs" as they appear to be, b/c of the soft heart thing. They need rules and just b/c they have all this going on does not give them the right to behave like animals. they have self-control like everyone else does. Giving them the excuse that their life isn't perfect so they can do whatever they want is not a good life lesson. (this took me years to learn, not making excuses for others)
I think that maybe if this is a permenant thing like you are going to take them for the weekend occasionally...your rules need to be firmly in place BEFORE they come into your home. Its all about respect. Theirs and yours. You have a great opportunity to swing them the other way right now while their parents are figuring things out. Just remember before you write these kids off, how many kids have had their lives changed by one caring teacher, coach, counselor, friend or neighbor.

Just a thought

What a difficult situation to be in. I have to agree that the first step is a discussion with their father. I'm sure he must be overwhelmed if this is their typical behavior! A 10 year old who is stealing to this degree has some serious problems, and is going to end up in a police station soon!

I agree with the others that you are on track with stating some clear rules, and taking the kids one at a time. The best behavior generally comes with the best feedback, as you already know, so maybe phrasing things in a positive way might generate some cooperation from the kids. An example might be "All food & drink stays in kitchen" or "Peace in the car so we can get where we want to go!". I would speak to the kids one on one, and let them know you are happy to spend time with them, and want to be able to have some fun, but your household rules are to be respected by all who enter, even if they differ from the rules they are used to at home or at a friends' house. Basic, common courtesy and respect for you and each other is not too much to ask, and they are certainly able to learn it. If you ease into it, shorter visits, or a trip with one to a store or for ice cream, it gives you the opportunity to have the discussion, issue a reminder if they are really off-track, and cut the fun short and return them home with deep regrets it didn't work out this time. That puts the ball in their court, and they will have to figure out if they are willing to behave in the way you expect in order to have opportunities to enjoy themselves with you.

That said, some days my own kids make me wonder if they are, in fact, the spawn of Satan, despite my best efforts. So, good luck!!

I think i would leave out the "leaving you at the mall" part. that may get the social services or the police called on you. I also think I would say one kid at a time. and I would not take them back to the mall or any other store for that matter. the park maybe but no where they could steal anything.

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I read it too fast the first time didnt realize it was the 10yr old who stole something in that case I would say something must be done & fast I grew up with some kids who were stealing by that age & one has now been in & out of prison his whole life & the other I am not sure what happened but by 10 its not acceptable behavior maybe counseling is needed for these kids

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mom of 3 greats girls

My take on the situation is that maybe they don't know how to behave at the mall? It reminds me of a 'Supernanny" where the kids were absolutely horrible in public.....ran away at the grocery store, were animals at a restaurant......the parents were just yelling at them, not ever sitting down and setting expectations or consequences.

I think you should continue to take them, but sit down with them first and let them know what to expect and what the consequences will be if they choose to disobey.

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"It's not about how much baggage you have, it's about whether or not you can carry your own baggage with grace and dignity."

Thank you all for the responses. I want to say that I work for Child Protection and I would never leave them alone at a mall. My son is 14 and I still wont let him go into a store alone without me (I know I am way over protective) I talked to my BF last night because we are looking for a place together and I explained everything that went wrong this weekend and how it could be fixed and he was in agreement. These kids have had it rough so I dont want them to think that everytime we take them that all we are gonna do is yell at them (They get that alot from their mother when she visits them once a week) I know that this Sat they wanted to come back so I can take them to the Walmart by me to see Spiderman but because of their behavior my BF and their father told them no, that they are not allowed to come over for me to take them. They called me crying aftrer this apologizing and pleading with me to take them but I said that their father and uncle said no and that I can not go against what they said. I also told them dont know what happend this past weekend but if it happend again that they would not be allowed over all together again and they said that they liked comming to my house so they were going to behave next time. So we shall see what happends

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~~~~**Maryann**~~~~

I just got a firm grip on reality....
Now I can strangle it