Every death that I have experienced in my life has been a family member. I am not sure what the proper thing would be for the family of a close friend.
We are taking care of their needs and helping in every way we can. The funeral will probably be early next week. So my question seems a little silly- but - do we give them money with the card of condolence? If so, how much?
I just want to do the right thing.

I always give close friends $$ (to help with the headstone, or stamps for thank yous or whatever) or jsut a card telling them that I will put flowers on the grave at a later time (when all the funeral flowers have died). If it is not someone I'm really close to - I would feel odd giving them $$ - so I usually just send a pot plant or a small seedling tree that they can plant in the deceased person's memory.

Don't worry about it - your presence and willingness to just be there will be so appreciated.

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Mom to 3 - one with 2 legs and 2with 4!

We give money to close friends and sometimes not close friends, if we know that they can use the help. I would give it to them in the card, because its probably not going to be open right away, and then it would be uncomfortable for them to receive it while you are watching. I have found that some people have a hard time receiving so that might be away of doing without putting it in the spotlight.

I never considered giving money to a family that lost a loved one until I lost my 8mth old baby. When I did, I didn't have insurance on her b/c she was born with a heart defect and no insurance company would let me purchase any so the funeral was up to me. The father was gone, I had to quit my job b/c I was taking care of Angel, always at the hospital. So when everyone on the Island that I lived on, started giving me money, it was a godsend. The Furneral director did everything for me for the cost of the coffin and the obit. Their family does this for every family that loses a child. So the people of this Island paid for everything for me and I have never been so grateful in my life. Now I give money to the ones that have lost their loved ones. Most people probably won't expect anything like that but I know in my case I wouldn't been able to do it without it. I also give a card with the money.

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Proud Single Mother to 18 year old Twins Ashley/Davey, 14 year old Shawna, 5 year old Emma, and my Boo Bear, "Angel Hope" (1996-1997) RIP Boo.

I have never heard of giving money, but I guess it would depend on the circumstances of the death. I might also give a donation to a charity, but usually just send flowers.

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"A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked." ~ Bernard Meltzer

It really depends on the family. If they are financially okay, I will send flowers. If I believe this will be a burden for them, I put cash inside a card.

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I'm in a constant search for the next great freebie or deal.

If it was a close friend to the family and I knew they weren't finiaical prepared for it...I would try to give them in between $100 to $200.00..If they have the means and the person died from a diease I then would make a donation to help find a cure for the diease.

I would also send a potted plant. Something they could transfer to their yard. My mom did this with the plant she received from sister furneral ..She calls me everytime it starts to bloom early and when one single flower remains on the plant long after the season is over.

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Angels may not come when you call them, but they'll always be there when you need them.

If the family is financially needy, I would probably not give them cash. However, I would go to the funeral home and make a payment onto their account.

We recently lost my grandpa and we gots lots of cards with money/checks. It was VERY appreciated because with family coming in from out of state, we needed to buy lots of food (who feels like cooking?). I don't like giving flowers simply because they die soon. A live plant maybe but not flowers. I also would suggest giving a gift of food: deli platter and sandwich fixings, bagels, desserts....if they have family coming in like we did, food is often more needed than anything

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Proud to say I haven't shopped at a Wal-Mart since Sept 2003

I was the opposite - only friends had died (except family members when I was a kid). All the deaths I experienced were friends until a few years ago. I used to always send flowers until 2 things happened. My grandmother died - and I saw my parents donate most of the flowers to local hospitals and nursing homes and 2nd, a friend died of diabetic complications, which diabetes & heart disease runs in our family. Since then, we've started donating to charities in the deceased's name (usually the list their favorite charities). I figure more people will benefit from a donation like that (and it's tax decuctible for you).

Lisa

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"It's not having what you want,
It's wanting what you've got"

It depends on the person who has died and my realation to them, but I usually send a house plant or donate money to a charity in their name. I have never had someone die where I knew the family needed money, but if that were the case, I would probably give a card with a check or contribute to an account if they had one set up.

When my grandmother passed away 1 1/2 years ago, many people gave money. I think my dad and uncle used it to have the headstone engraved (had already been purchased in 1984 when my grandfather passed away) and some other expenses. My grandmother left a sizable estate, so most people weren't giving money because they thought the family needed it. When DH's grandparents passed away, several people sent baskets of food (like baked goods, cookies, snacks, etc.). They were delivered to the funeral home just like the flowers. We took a basket with us each evening after the visitation when we all gathered for dinner (mostly provided by neighbors). These baskets were very welcome and we really enjoyed them.

For my grandmother's funeral, we did get some nice flowers and we sent them to the local nursing home and some of the plants were donated to the local library. My grandmother was from a very small town so everyone pretty much knew her and the library very much appreciated the plant donation.

Sarah.........

If I know the family doesn't have a lot of money then we give a check to the family.
If they are well off then we give to a charity of the their choice.

Marsha1963 -

Just wanted to tell you that I see you. You're visible to me! Have a great week.

DEVINMOM

Please tell me you know Marsha1963, otherwise I'm totally creeped out!!

My mother passed away last month. She was 71 , but it was still unexpected as she wasn't ailing any more than the average 71 yr old.

We got many cards. When I opened the first card that had money/check in it I was sort of stunned. I never expected that or even thought about it. Eventually, I "got" it.

People want to help. Doesn't matter if you can afford the services or not. They just want to help. For some people, cash is a tangible way to help. They don't know what else to do, so they give money. Some folks need the financial help, some don't. Either way, I eventually accepted the fact that it was a way for people to show their love. I also came to realize that I wasn't the only one mourning the loss of my mom.

For the OP, most of the gifts were in the 25-50.00 range. Each one was given with love and received with much gratitude.

It's a joke. Look at Marsha1963's signature line.

We have never given nor received money personaly because of a death.
We have given and received money that has been taken up in a collection and given as a group, such as co-workers, club members, etc. I think it is less awkward this way. You don't really know who has given what amount.

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Square dancing is friendship set to music!

My family hasn't either. I'd be curious to know if this is a regional thing that is done.

As far as having enough money to buy extra food for out of town relatives and guests, I guess I've never had to give that a thought. The churches that I, my parents and relatives attend have always seen to the food needed. Food is taken into the home to help with all meals before the funeral. On the day of the funeral food is served either in the home or church fellowship hall, whichever is preferred, before or after the services.

some people don't belong to churches so it's up to family and friends to provide. None of the funerals I have been to have had any food prepared by a church or fellowship (even when the deceased belonged to the church). I have been to funerals in CO and KS and none had help from churches so I don't know if it's regional or not

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Proud to say I haven't shopped at a Wal-Mart since Sept 2003

I meant giving money as a regional thing.
I remember when Granny died, my second cousin from Oregon was in the state for military training and got to attend the service. He had never seen vehicles stop for a funeral procession. Also, I know in some regions, funerals are held on Sundays.

I have never received or heard of giving money for a funeral....

I have had only one friend loose someone close to them... I sent a card and made them a dinner ..enough for out of town guests and ran her children to appointments she wanted to keep while the family was at her home... ( days after the funeral) and stayed at her home during the burial....I think that was more apprecaited then money....... but maybe I was wrong

I don't think it is a regional thing...I do know people in the Southern, Western, & Northern states give money as well. I'm just shocked in some states they don't stop for a funeral maybe it is a southern thing.
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I do think when giving money it should be done with alittle caution. Even though it was done with the heart some people can take offense to it. My father did Some of my aunts sent money after my sister funeral and he sent it back We did tried to explain it to him that this is what people do nowadays. Now on my Dh side this is done all the time with friends of the family or family members.

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Angels may not come when you call them, but they'll always be there when you need them.

I have also never heard of sending money for a funeral. I have chipped in at work for a coworker to help her pay for the funeral but that's about it. When my mother died 7 years ago my father got one card from a cousin with money in it. He could not believe it and was insulted. I told him she was trying to do a nice thing, but he didn't care. He was also 72 and at that age its hard to tell him anything. I also wonder if it is done more often in certain areas. Now I am curious to see if anyone else here in southern CA gives money.

I've never heard of giving money. When it's a close relative I send flowers or a plant. Friends get cards usually with a note letting them know I'll do whatever is needed.

When my Mom died 1 and 1/2 yrs ago most people sent cards and plants. Some nice flowers , no one sent money. Our church doesn't do the food thing. Probably because it is such a large church. neighbors and relatives kept us fed for the 2 weeks before Mom died and the week of the funeral. It was wonderful to not have to worry about food.

Here in California traffic stops for all funeral processions. Police Officers on motorcycles are in the front and at the end of the procession.

I am in Northern Indiana and here
we do stop for funeral processions.

Churches provide a meal after the funeral -
It is nice because many people travel to a funeral.

Neighbors still bring food to the home for the family.

I think it has only been the last 15-20 yrs that I have seen money given instead of flowers. I think it is such a waste to send so many flowers.
If they don't need or want the money they can choose what to do with it.

Thank you for your responses. I would never have imagined that someone would be offended by a gift of money. I guess it's the male pride thing

We are hanging in there and trying to do things for the family that need to be done, but don't really seem that important with everything else going on. I am surprised by the lack of involvement by some people that I thought would step up.

I'm from central Illinois (close to St. Louis) and here the family chooses a charity of some sort that you can donate to. If the deceased has children living at home, or needs assistance, usually it is set up to give money to the family.

When my father died 3 years ago, our church was saving to pave our church's parking lot so that is what my mom decided to have the money given go to. We received over $6,000 to go toward the parking lot. Some of the money was given to mom (instead of directly to the parking lot fund), but she still put it all in the fund.

Our church also provides a lunch after the funerals. And, cars stop for a funeral procession.

Usually when I go to a visitation or funeral, I put $25 - $50 into whatever fund they choose depending on how close they are to my family.

I must say that I was floored by the number or people and the amount of money we received after my dad's passing and that it has probably (definately) made me more aware of how much it means to the families. I definately make it a point to go to more visitations of those that I knew, since I know how much it can mean to their families.

I'm from Cleveland, and most of the funerals I have attended have been for Catholic Italians. I mention this because I have read other Internet discussions about wedding etiquette, and it seemed that different religions, ethnicities, and areas of the country have different customs on giving cash at a wedding.

We stop for funeral processions. If for no other reason, then to keep the cars together on their way to the cemetery. A policeman leads the procession and will stop traffic. Flags are placed on the funeral cars to make it clear to other motorists. A policeman also ends the procession.

We always give money, and received a lot of it when my grandparents died. This is not a new custom, as my grandmother kept records of who gave what when her father died in 1976. Some may only give $10, but you do what you can. Every penny is appreciated, even if the death is expected and planned for.

Usually, siblings will pay for the funeral luncheon (held in a local restaurant, a family home, the church basement, or the funeral home banquet hall.)

Children, grandchildren, God-children and out of towners not able to attend the services might buy flowers. Others might have a mass said for the deceased at a later date (birthday, anniversary of death...) Charities are also popular, if listed in the obituary.

Neighbors, nieces/nephews, cousins and friends might make food that is easily frozen and thawed at a later date. Lasagnas, casseroles, personal specialties... just something to be sure that the grieving person is still eating and taking care of themself.

I'm surprised to see this as a discussion, as it never even ocurred to me NOT to give money! The funeral home always has envelopes right next to the mass cards. There's even a "box" to deposit your card or envelope in. The envelopes will have pre-printed choices of how you want the money used- funeral expenses, mass, "according to the wishes of the family." This is true of many different funeral homes.

For those who have never heard of giving money- do your newspaper obituaries list anything suggesting which charity to donate to? In situations where the family already has all of he expenses covered, you will usually see a charity named in an Obit.

Who knew this would be such an interesting topic!

reneebill some obits do say in lieu of flowers and will list a favorite charity. If there are young children in the family it will say the same thing for a family trust. If I saw that then yes I would donate instead of flowers. But I had never heard of just giving money to the family. Both of my husband's parents were Catholic Italians as is my father and he had never heard of giving money to the family either. Now for weddings on the other hand you only give money.

I've never heard of or been in a funeral home with a banquet hall. That's a new one for me. Lunch served on the day of the funeral is for family and relatives of the deceased. The meal is provided by the church the deceased attended. Or, it could be the combined effort of more than one church. If one of my parents passed away tomorrow, my church and my parents church would provide food. If there isn't a church involved, friends and neighbors usually bring in food. And if that doesn't happen, sad to say, I guess you're on your own.

I've also never seen money envelopes or a collection box. Some obits will list a charity to donate to instead of sending flowers.

This certainly is an interesting thread. Who knew the customs could be so diverse?

You read my quote! Thanks!!

That's exactly what I was thinking. And even if I'm not going to the funeral, my family has been doing this for years. My grandmother talked about people sending money when her parents died in the 1930's and 1940's. I'd rather send the money to the family than donate it to a charity unless they have specified a charity. If you send them the money, they can always donate it if that's what they choose to do. Or they can use it if they need it.

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I'm in a constant search for the next great freebie or deal.

For me when dealing with the individual deaths of my mom and dad I know I would have appreciated money, I had to pay all of my dads expenses (as well as our trip here, we didn't live here then), my mom left money to pay for hers. For my mom, our church provided a funeral dinner on the day of the funeral at the church fellowship hall (we do this for everyone in the church) and the womens group provided a meal the first night of the death. One woman handed me $50 bill and said get some take out, I'll give you the money so you can pick out what you guys eat (she was an older lady from our church). Other people send cash in cards. There is an extra expense of feeding, providing drinks, paper products , etc for all those who come from out of town or just drop by to express their condolences. The thing that I appreciated the least were those who donated to a charity of their choice in my moms name, come on, if you want to donate to a charity of your choice just do it don't use the death of someone as an excuse and get a tax deduction to boot JMO. I would probably see this differently if the donation was to a disease or something the person died from or if it was something we requested or my moms wishes. I liked the plants more than the flowers, the plants can be enjoyed forever. The flowers were enjoyed but for a shorter time period. I know that through our church taking up donations we have paid for plane tickets for people in the church who had family members that couldn't afford to fly in and that type thing also. I know my friend came to the funeral and she was shocked that the church provided a dinner and everything, she said at her grandpas funeral they had to go out to eat at a restaurant after the funeral.

I do not know if it is regional. I grew up in New England. One would automatically take food to the family home. (Don't forget a big can of coffee- that always goes over well). We sent money to the families out of town.
We lived across the street from a cemetary. The cemetary policy was that the flowers could stay on the grave for 2 days then they were thrown into a mulch pile. (My brother and I always went over and got the good flowers and anything with a bulb. ) I am also a nurse and I can tell you the patients in nursing homes are really sarcastic about donated funeral flowers. (Oh look, someone want us to see what we will be missing! What is that smell? Oh yeah, death!) In general, it is not a good thing. SO-I never send flowers.
We have always sent money to families who have out of town relatives arriving, had someone in the hospital, were not wealthy, had children who would need additional day care etc. So I guess the only ones I do not send money to are the wealthy (I don't knowmany)and older adults who lived alone and who had prepaid funerals. Funeral Homes generally have envelopes right next to the sign in book.
The one exception I saw was at a St Louis inner city black funeral. I asked the funeral director where the envelopes were. He said that the money was customarily handed directly to the family member who we were honoring. The guy (my husband's co-worker) was not at the funeral home, at that time, so my husband had to take the money to him later.

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Lyn Clarke