Do you allow it in your house?

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rhapsody112@gmail.com

I don't mind Penthouse or Playboy at all. Hustler....that's too nasty to me. Tasteful porn is fine and often, we share in it. That said, DH hasn't bought any porn since we had kids (8 years ago). He doesn't look at internet porn either. We do watch some porn together on cable but hardly ever anymore....

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Proud to say I haven't shopped at a Wal-Mart since Sept 2003

I see a lot of porn at work (web host), so I don't think too much of it. Honestly, it's gotten to the point where if something's legal, and doesn't involve Harry Potter fantasies or furries, it doesn't bother me. That said, I know what's on DH's computer, and know there's no porn on it. I suppose my lack of concern is sort of wasted. He'd be welcome to it if he wanted it.

This is a sensitive issue with me. My ex-bro-in-law is in prison for creating and viewing illegal internet porn. It started with him just looking at "regular"porn, but became such an addiction that he had to have "harder(illegal)"stuff to keep him happy... Well, he's not happy now with 30+ years in prison. I truely think that it is addicting and I don't know why anyone would allow it into their home. It's the same as asking about drugs, yes some are legal (tabacco) but most aren't. Why would you want anything that has the possibility of being addicting in your home? There is also a book out called "Drug of the New Millenium" about internet porn addiction. Interesting read.

I think it really depends on the person beckyandplacido. I think some people have addictive personalities and many things can be addictive, not just porn and drugs.

Alcohol
Sex
Chocolate
Eating too much
Too much exercise
Not eating
gambling
many others

I can't ban everything that has a possible addiction tied to it. Everyone feels differently about these issues. It's about responsibility in my eyes. Many will fall victim to the addiction but many more will not. Thank you for sharing your perspective

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Proud to say I haven't shopped at a Wal-Mart since Sept 2003

I like to think I am "open minded" that being said we will watch soft porn together and that's fine but I would really be bothered if dh was heavily into it...

Christine

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TLJ ~ Women United in Spirit

We don't watch at all......its just not something that really appeals to either one of us......we don't really need anything else to entertain us, we're to busy entertaining each other......to each his own though.

sexysmurf, I definately agree that there are people with addictive personalities, but I DO think that there are things that are MORE addictive than others... Porn and drugs being on that list.

When I met dh he had a small collection of porn. Magazines, movies, etc. Having grown up with four brothers I knew men do look, so it didn't really bother me. We have watched some together, we actually sit there and laugh at it when we do. We have been together for over 10 years now. With the kids getting older he has pretty much phased out all of the porn he had.

I'm happy that DH isn't into that stuff...but when we first met, we did watch some of those type of films together...20 years later, we never do...I think once we had kids those days were over...We just have no interest...I guess we're just a boring, old married couple now... ~Lisa

I guess I'm in the minority here, but I don't like my dh to view pornography. I have very strong feelings against it. My father first introduced me to pornography to 'groom' me into molesting me. He justified it by saying "see, everyone does it, look at these pictures." I have never seen anything good come from pornography. It seems to foster a sense of insecurity in alot of women, including myself, and it makes me feel as if I am being compared to someone with a better body. It's not like I'm a prude in bed or anything, but it's just a personal choice.

I wish there was a category of "It's not a matter of whether I allow it or not, I know he never would." That's the one I'd pick. How lucky I am to have a DH who doesn't need to look anywhere but at me.

Same here, he never would ,but if he did,he'd hear about it,lol.

I have a problem with the word "allow". My marriage is a partnership and I don't have to police what DH does by "allowing" him to do some things and not others.

On that note though, my DH looks at porn occassionally, I don't mind. If I had a problem with it, I know that we would discuss it and my feelings attached to it and come to some sort of agreement where we are both happy without me having to "ban" or "disallow" anything.

It's not so much that I don't *allow* it. I've never told dh not to look at porn, he just doesn't, out of respect for me, and I don't for the same reason. I would be hurt and confused if he started looking at porn. So would he. neither of us forbids the other, its' understood that that isn't a respectful thing to do.

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Jackie

Music is what feelings sound like._ ~Author Unknown

ALLOW??? It is as much his home as it is mine. I dont see how I could NOT ALLOW something in the home we both bought and paid for,That would be like him not allowing me to have something . he dont care for it so its not a issue with us. he did get a biker mag when we first got married that had some pretty trashy stuff in it but he didnt renew it when it ran out. but if he wanted to , I really dont see how I could NOT ALLOW something in the home that he paid for as much s I did.

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I do not want to start a debate but some of you seem to be stuck on the word "allow", I don't think thats what the OP meant or maybe she did I really don't know. I just wonder at what you would not allow in your house. Would you allow a drug user in your house just because he is DHs long lost friend from high school? Because you could not say he could have something or someone in the house that you bought together. Please don't be upset I was just wondering.............

I do not like hard porn and do not want it in my home.
Saying that I have two sons.. 25 and 23 who are in our home because we pay for their car insurance and let them live there free after paying for their college educations. They will stay until they have a nest egg to be on their own relative to the manner in which they were raised. (They do not have money for a home, furniture, etc. yet) They have purchased outright new cars and are saving for a home. When they decide to marry and have a family they will not be in debt up to their noses.
I'm relatively sure they have both seen hard porn becuase of going away to college and living in fraternity houses, but they know what our rules are at home, and to my knowledge it is not here. If it is it is in a really good hiding spot because on occasion when they may be out of town on business I have told them I will be spring cleaning their rooms.
I have found wrapped condoms in their dressers putting things away and never said anything because we have preached abstinence, but if you do not choose that use precaution for std's and pregnancy!

I'm very thankful that my husband has no interest in it whatsoever That being said, I don't either! He has never had any type (magazines, movies, etc). I've known him for years and years and trust him completely. It makes me happy to know that even after all of these years I am still interesting enough for him!

I "allow" my husband to be a free citizen and look at what ever he wants.
Hard to control someones eyes, nor would I want too.

I am surprised at how many dh's aren't interested, interesting

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Sheri

I think instead of the word "allow", how about "put up with. How many wives here would put up with their husbands looking at nude women? What if it weren't just nude women, but hard core porn? What if it were illegal porn, where do you draw the line at what you "put up with"?
And yes it is a free country, but I don't think women should have to put up with their husbands looking at other nude women, and vice versa. Men and women shouldn't tolerate their wives having "online affairs."

You know, I bet all you ladies that think your husbands don't look at porn are sadly mistaken. They just don't let you know that they are looking.

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I found Jesus! He was behind the couch!

WOW you must be extremely paranoid, some guys don't look.

Men are men, and they do look. They may tell you they don't, but they do. Throw a Playboy magazine in the bathroom. Think he won't look? Guys have stuff like this at work too.....they just don't bring it home because they have uptight wives that won't "let" them.

I'm not paranoid, I have no problem with the stuff. We watch movies together, there's nothing wrong with two healthy consenting adults watching or looking at porn.

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I found Jesus! He was behind the couch!

WOW you must be extremely paranoid, some guys don't look.

I agree, a few guys don't(by don't I mean go out of their way to find it) but most of them do.

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Sheri

Actually my Dh and I never have to look ( he is sitting right here beside me) as I said in my very first post...we entertain each other. That is all I have to say.
Sherit I agree with you that some guys don't go out of their way to look.....if a nice looking girl walks by a DH takes a peek I'm not freaking out, we all look at a nice looking person walking by!!

Imdizzy my wife is not uptight, she never has been or will be. signed Aaron

Sorry my DH was really bothered by that personal comment!

I have to say this has been a really interesting thread.....Thanks for posting OP

while I agree that if a playboy is laying around that *most* guys will look, I disagree with the statement that they have it at work. If my DH had anything of the sort at work and it was found, he would be fired. In fact, we have both personally seen a very good employee walked about by security after he had viewed porn on his work PC.

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Proud to say I haven't shopped at a Wal-Mart since Sept 2003

ImDizzy the only real problem that I have with the comment itself is that its a blanket statement about men. I don't really like blanket stereotypical answers. Would you apply a blanket statement about Jewish people? African-Americans? Lord this could be a whole other thread! LOL And please do not think I'm knocking you personally.....Just was wondering!!

i wouldn't care if dh was looking at playboy or something like that..i would not be ok with illegal/hardcore stuff tho -

and, this is off topic but will make you guys laugh, i just realized mrk is a woman, i thought the username was 'mr. k' so i thought it was a guy

mrk11118

3 DDs first initial and then the months they were born!! ROFTLMAO!!

I thought mrk was Mark.

I have used this screen name for EVERYTHING since my last DD was born.......Time for a sex change!!!

The thing about stereotypes is that while they aren't correct for every member of population that they are attributed to, they usually do have some statistical validity. Personally, I think it's a very safe statement that MOST men enjoy looking at women naked, and MOST will take a peek if the opportunity presents itself. And men on whole feel the urge to do so more readily than women. Simply look at the number of publications featuring nude or scantily clad females (Maxim, FHM, Stuff, Playboy, Penthouse, Hustler, etc) vs. the number featuring nude or scantily clad males (Playgirl...if you can find it ). This reflects demand.....

I think this topic is a little bit confused because we might each have our own definition of what constitutes "porn" and some of us have trouble with the notion of "allow".

cj/

Amen! Very well said! ~Lisa

Nope, I would not "allow" pornography in my home. I find porn repugnant and want no part of having it around.

And, nope, I have no problem with the word "allow".

I agree...and these women are the same ones who think that their husbands are faithful...meanwhile they aren't. I used to be a private investigator when we lived up north, and it was unbelievable what I encountered. Some of the men who were caught having affairs, who were addicted to porn, and who regularly hung out in strip clubs, were seen by others as upstanding citizens of the community...a church pastor, the local park kids athletic director, and the middle school principal...just to name a few. There are many good men out there who don't do this stuff, but women are naive to think that their straight laced husbands wouldn't look at a naked woman if the opportunity presented itself. And whether you would "allow" him to do that or not, if you aren't glued to his side 24 hours a day, he will definitely look. ~Lisa

I'm not naive about the in-bred desire men have for the opposite sex, but contrary to popular belief, they CAN control it. Women do a great disservice to men thinking they are so weak that they must succumb to their lust every time it hits them. I trust my husband implicitly and there are many women who do as well, and not mistakenly either. Of course, there are women who believe the best but ignore the signs, I'm not saying it doesn't happen. But it's simply not true that EVERY man has to have porn and we're just stupid to think that they're living without it. Like I said before, all my husband needs is me. If an immodestly dressed woman walks by, or if nudity comes across the scene in a movie or on tv, he turns to look at me and I tell him when it's done.

And if you need porn to spice up your sex life.... I'm sorry...

I answered I allow it and don't care if he looks, that said I don't really allow it I just put up with it, he doesn't watch it alot nor does he ever watch it when I'm around I don't find anything amusing about it and really think that its disgusting, just my personal opinion, I dont feel the need to watch someone else doing that kind of stuff to get turned on and my husband doesn't need anything other than me to turn him on and if he did he'd be out the door. But I would not dissallow it either I think if he wants to look he can do so on his own time and it doesn't bother me.

TOTALLY in agreement.

My dh would serve communion on Sunday at Church and then drive off in my company car, while i would leave with our 5 boys in the van (we usually took separate cars because I was always late getting ready, or one of the boys were late, etc), and he would drive off to meet women at parks/foreset preserves, etc under the premise that he was "working" his part time job.

At that time, I never DREAMED that he would do this, or go that far, I also never dreamed that my dh would have his naked picture up on more than 100 websites (where I stopped counting) soliciting for sex. Almost every day, he would tell me how beautiful I was, how much in love with me he was, how happy he was with me, how I was his everything...blah blah blah.. LOL. I guess that I felt that false sense of security, and believed that he would never in his lifetime look elsewhere to meet his needs or desires. (as I said in a previous post, I did start feeling that something was going on a short while before it all blew up).

He was sick, slick, and smart (insert rolling eyes here). He used one of our ds's computer to do his "hook ups" bcause he knew that I would find out if it was on our main cp.

To further, after he was "caught" and finally came clean, in counseling he said that he truly believed that God had me find out, because he actually never met anyone, but had plans to do so. I confronted him BEFORE that happened, so he says he technically never had a physical affair. He said that God loved him so much, that He allowed me to find out "just in the nick of time".

Yeah, right. LOL

I don't think that I blame God, but I did stop attending church right after that. Among other reasons for leaving, I felt that what he said made a mockery of our religion, and I also felt that in a way.. what dh was saying was that God was only looking out for him.. I was just part of God slapping him in the face. To me, that was a very selfish attitude to take. I could be wrong, but it is how I felt/feel.

I STILL to this day am not sure how long it was going on. He will only admit to the date that actually was tracked on the websites that he was signed up on. He is elusive as to when it actually started. So for all I know, it could have been going on for MANY MANY years..not just 3 months. I try to believe him, but like I said. 100% trust is hard to come by.


As far as Porn, I understand what OP meant by "allow" and I truly don't think she meant it in a Posessive/controlling way. Do I allow porn? To an extent, is OK (i.e. looking at it together), but if he wants to view it privately, I say "just let me know so I am not thinking you are trying to hide anything that could possibly be an indicator of something more serious looming".

Ohhgod....I'm terribly sorry that that happened to you.

but again it seem like a few women on this board have thrown a blanket statement out there based on their own terrible experiences.....whether it was a job or their own lives.

Stats are great but, lets be real here, its either all or nothing in each individual case.

Ex. My grandma had cancer and was told you have a 10% chance of making it through the next five years........UUUUMMMMM that was 14 years ago. My point being while stats can be used, you have to take it with a grain of salt.

ohhgodd...my heart truly goes out to you for what you've endured...i just want to make it clear that when i helped my boss with the PI work, i wasn't one of those women you see on tv who is the "decoy", there to set the man up...i don't like that whole idea of a set up or entrapment...i would just investigate cell phone records and computer stuff...we also did work for men who suspected that their wives were cheating...it was a tawdry business, and i didn't stay with it long...i would get very depressed seeing all of this stuff and i had a difficult time leaving it at work...i guess i just wasn't cut out for it...while it felt good to "catch" the dirtbags and let their significant others know that, no, you were not paranoid, it was really happening, i didn't find satisfaction in seeing people in pain like that and families torn apart...as i said before, i don't think we have one porn tape in our house unless DH has one from a long time ago when we were single stashed away somewhere...i wouldn't want my kids finding something like that...that's why i don't have it around...when we were younger, single, and dating, things were different...we were two consenting adults without children in the house...now, things have changed...i would feel uncomfortable to have that in here with three children...call me weird, but the only way to put it is i just don't think it's nice...anyway, i just have a problem with treating an adult man like a child...i can't imagine my husband looking away if a scantily clad, sexy woman came on tv...if he wanted to look, he can look...i'm not going to police him...even out of respect for me, he knows that i'm secure enough in our relationship for it to not bother me if he looked...that is someone on tv who he's never going to meet...why would i care?...to me, that is just plain bizarre!!! ~Lisa

OMG you can't be serious?? Can you?? Are we talking about a grown man here??

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I found Jesus! He was behind the couch!

Ok, maybe my statement was a blanket statement.

What my point was, that if you have a bunch of guys sitting around somewhere with a magazine, do you think that he's not gonna go over and give a looksie? Sure, maybe you don't "allow" it in your house, but it is out there. Men and women too have an inherent curiosity for "forbidden fruit" as it were; and given the opportunity, most will certainly take a peek.

And we don't NEED porn to spice things up, trust me its hot enough on its own, but its something we both enjoy together. Sorry you have a problem with it.

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I found Jesus! He was behind the couch!

Yes, dh is a grown man And I don't force him or even ask him to do that! He does it of his own accord. And why is it bizarre? Why even allow yourself to take one step down a path that you wouldn't want to go down all the way? I mean, it's kind of like saying, one puff of marijuana or cocaine or whatever is OK, as long as they don't get addicted to it. As someone else has already said, pornography is a lot like other addictions, once you take one look, (depending on the guy) you want more.

And in my very first post, I mentioned it's not a matter of "allowing" anything. I have never even had a conversation with my husband about what is allowable or not in this realm. He just does it because he loves me and to honor me. I wish you all had a taste of that - it's a very secure feeling!

I find it sad that so many people just accept that men can do whatever they want sexually just because they "can't" control it. They're not animals, people! They do have control over their desires as much as we have control over anything.

I guess I live in a different world than some of you, but you know what? I really like it! Glad I'm here and not where you are.

Not claiming that I completely understand statistics (as an engineer, my math background and edcuation is pretty good, albeit a little rusty due to age), but I don't think that you are interpreting them correctly. In the latter example, your grandmother is fortunate to be the 1 in 10 who was able to make it beyond the five years. Nine others were likely not so lucky. What grain of salt is needed?


cj/

You are coming across as a self-righteous bible beating right to lifer here. My husband loves me very much, and honors me. Just because we enjoy watching other people have sex ( whether on video or in person) has nothing to do with his love for me.


I think your comments are rude, and you are insinuating that women who have husbands who watch porn are insecure.

I think it's quite the contrary. I think women who FORBID grown men to watch porn are the insecure ones.

I have never heard of a grown man looking away from a woman and asking his wife to tell him when it's over. An 11 year old with a chubby, yes. A grown man, no.

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I found Jesus! He was behind the couch!

Response to stats:
Because when it comes to an individual person the stat is going to be right or wrong. If you get a group that says b/c 75% of people do this well there is 25% of people that don't. I just think that someone can't plan the rest of their lives around what might or probably will happen cause I really believe its all or nothing with stats.......by the way i totally love bantering you guys, all of you all are great!!

I'm just wondering if this guy is "allowed" to go to the beach? There are alot of women scantily clad there in bikinis...Does he cover his eyes the whole time until his wife tells him it's ok to look? As the above poster said, I can see an eleven year old boy looking away, but not a grown man. It may not be bizarre to you, but it just is to me. I've never known any men to do that. Just stating my opinion. I've been with my husband for 20 years and I'm very happy where we are...thank you! ~Lisa

Actually IMDizzy, our pastor at church does the same thing. I don't think its that unusual.....I do think that buyaneat did come off a tad testy though so I can see what got your goat. I would like to point out that as I've said its not for me and DH, HOWEVER I don't think that the two of you watching it together is wrong. If its both something you enjoy doing together then go to it girl. I think the thing that would piss me off would be having a guy who did it and couldn't admit it. Because that wuld mean that he THOUGHT he was wrong and was trying to be a bad boy by sneaking around. That would make me mad.

Buyaneat: I think that its wonderful that you have a man that is that respectful. Like I said our pastor does the same thing out of respect for his wife.

mrk and caddylisa, I haven't said this yet, but thank you so much for your responses (and support!) the two of you seem so level headed, and I truly appreciate all of your kind words!

To the ones that feel that all is healthy and secure: All I am trying to say, by my post above, is this:

1. We were church goers (every time the doors were open!)
2. He adored me and never gave me reason to feel I wasn't everything for him.
3. He also said I was all he needed
4. He also said NO PORN, never NO way, NOT me.. "sickos"
5. He would not look at a pretty girl if she walked by, because he knew how insecure I was. I am sure he was rubber necking, however, when I was not around..lol
6. I thought I had security wrapped up when it came to my marriage
7. My husband was also a Promise Keeper and went to many conventions. He was part of an accountability group at church, also. Of course that group turned a blind eye when he really needed them. Funny how the church can TALK about the bad things happening, but when they actually do happen that is when you see the true colors of fear and denial. It is almost as if our church felt that if they ignored the sin, it would just go away.

The point? Don't be fooled by overzealousness..be cautious if they make claims that almost seem to be too fairytaleish.

Now, I am not saying that ALL men are like that, but for me and what I have witnessed, every time I have seen or heard a man be over criticizing or overly "I'm not ever going to do that" when it comes to the opposite sex or other sexual situations (ie porn), they most of the time are trying to over compensate for their own guilt.

That is my experience. Take it or leave it.

But buyandeat, I am so glad you have a wonderful marriage. I so miss those days of feeling that much trust and admiration in my husband. I really do. For me, losing that is what I mourned the most (and still do). I miss the naivity (I really do) and being securely positive that nothing could ever shake our infallable marriage.

I still believe in marriage, and believe that many have solid marriages that withstand the test of time and sexual temptations. I do have faith that there are marriages that are strong and monogamous.

I supppose it makes you feel better thinking that "everyone's doing it". That your husband is the norm, rather than the exception. Not sure what your situation is, but you sound a bit defensive.

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Jackie

Music is what feelings sound like._ ~Author Unknown

Please forgive me for coming across as testy and self-righteous. Honestly, I wasn't writing in that mood or attitude at all. That's the bad thing about the written word rather than the spoken one - no facial expressions or tones of voice to demonstrate the mood.

I'm so sorry for those of you who have had bad experiences with your husbands and pornography.