What would you do if you saw your best friend's husband with another woman?

The husband and the other woman were sitting close in his pickup truck at lunch hour and parked under some trees behind a wall and then they started making out...

The best friend has always been like a big sister growing up -- 10 years older than me.

What would you do? Tell her? Not tell her? What would you say?

I would confront HIM. I would tell him what I saw to give him a reality check. He then has the chance to correct his mistakes.

I am not sure if I would tell my best friend. Probally......but I think I would give him the chance to make things right first. That is a hard one.

__________________
Give me the wisdom and grace to understand

Tracy S
Mommy to 5 little girls
Victoria
Alyssa
Samantha & Selena
Malaya
Tracy_s5girls@yahoo.com

In these situations, I always try to think about is "would I want to know if it were MY husband". Answer is yes, I would want to know. If I found out later and someone found out that my best friend KNEW and didn't tell me....well, I would have one less friend.

I would probably approach is something like

NAME, I saw something yesterday that REALLY bothered me. I debated telling you because I honestly don't want to cause any trouble but then I thought that if the roles were reveresed, I would want to know. So, here is it, I saw your husband kissing another woman in his truck yesterday at lunch. He didn't see me but I definitly saw him and I was shocked. I would want to know if it were my husband so I felt I needed to tell you.

go from there....she may already know , she may not. Such a tough call

__________________
Proud to say I haven't shopped at a Wal-Mart since Sept 2003

Sticky....but if it were my best friend I would tell her. I would just tell her the truth as to what you saw and nothing more. No opinions just that you thought it was a little odd and thought she might want to know. This may cause you a ton of trouble and you may lose your friendship over this she may not believe you or may think you are causing trouble this all depends on your friendship and how strong it is. But if you really love your friend she really does deserve to know. If she knew something like that about your husband would you want her to tell you? I bet you would.

__________________
cmemaloy@yahoo.com


I'd rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not.

Life! is a coin. You can spend it anyway you wish, but you can only spend it once.

SexySmurf .........great advise........

__________________
Give me the wisdom and grace to understand

Tracy S
Mommy to 5 little girls
Victoria
Alyssa
Samantha & Selena
Malaya
Tracy_s5girls@yahoo.com

Are you sure that wasn't her in the truck? Absolutely sure that was her husband?

I would tell my friend.

Would definitely tell my best friend-after I buried the bodies..............

Well, I don't envy the position you are in. Naturally, you want what is best for your friend, and right now, you probably don't know what that is.

First, you need to determine a few things. Are you absolutely sure her husband is unfaithful? And if so, do you know if it was one indiscretion or an ongoing series of indiscretions? Is he planning to leave her? Is he in love with this other woman? Is it one woman he is involved with or several?

Your actions not only impact your best friend and her husband, but also their children if they have any. So proceed slowly. What you do is up to you, but I will share with you two scenarios.

Your best friend doesn't deserve a cheating husband. Should she know what he is up to? Yes, especially when you take into consideration the varied sexual diseases he could be transmitting to her.

Yet, keep in mind that once she knows about the affair, she may feel compelled to divorce him, even if he is sorry and even if she still loves him. His adultery doesn't have to mean the marriage is over. It can be used as a signal that the marriage is in trouble and needs help. If there are children involved, it would ideally be best if they could reconcile and move forward.

Your goal should be to protect your friend from pain, sexually transmitted diseases, and ultimately from making the wrong decision. The goal should be to preserve the family, if both husband and wife are willing to work on things and change.

Do what you think will ultimately be best for your friend. ~Lisa

While I totally respect your opinion, I have to totally disagree with the above statement.

__________________
Proud to say I haven't shopped at a Wal-Mart since Sept 2003

Well I would definitely tell my bestfriend because I think I would owe her that respect and I know she would do the same for me and it would be in the most loving way.

Now I do have a friend that is just a friend, I like her we get along well but I know some info and I have never said anything to her about it because I don't think anything but trouble could come out of it, especially for me.

It depends on how good a relationship you have with that friend before you find out if you are going to be the jerk at the end of it for spilling all the beans.

I suspected my SIL was having an affair on my brother but never told him. I knew things weren't quite right by things she told me BUT I didn't want to stir the trouble if there wasn't any there. It turned out there was trouble and my brother asked me why I didn't tell him what I knew. I felt horrible

That's fine...we all can agree to disagree, but I'm just curious why? ~Lisa

In these situations, I always try to think about is "would I want to know if it were MY husband". Answer is yes, I would want to know. If I found out later and someone found out that my best friend KNEW and didn't tell me....well, I would have one less friend.

I would probably approach is something like

NAME, I saw something yesterday that REALLY bothered me. I debated telling you because I honestly don't want to cause any trouble but then I thought that if the roles were reveresed, I would want to know. So, here is it, I saw your husband kissing another woman in his truck yesterday at lunch. He didn't see me but I definitly saw him and I was shocked. I would want to know if it were my husband so I felt I needed to tell you.

go from there....she may already know , she may not. Such a tough call

Sexy smurf I agree with you 100%!!!

I would march right up to that truck and scare the CRAP out of that man! Then tell him either he comes clean about it or you will.

Can you tell I'm mad!?

I do NOT put up with that it is disrespectful, dangerous and mean and by not doing anything about it, you are allowing it. You should not be in the equation though, he needs to do his own dirty work. You can be there when the wife falls apart and you should and then tell her that it was you who found him, but don't be the one to tell her. He had the nerve to cheat, then he needs to get a set and fess up to her within 24 hours of you confronting him or then I would tell her.


Good luck.


ETA: not mad at you OP, got carried away there a little.

__________________
"A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked." ~ Bernard Meltzer

I think it's worse for the children to see parents in a bad marriage than get a divorce. I always say, once a cheat, always a cheat. I guess you think the same way because you posted "Once a cheater, always a cheater" in the Forgive and Forget thread. I want my kids to know that I am worth something. I have seen too many friends whose parents stayed in bad marriages with one or both parents cheating. They almost all ended up cheating or having a spouse cheat on them because it was "normal"...as wrong as that sounds. I think we must set the example for our kids and my DH knows that if he cheats, no matter what problems we are having, he is out the door and coming back is not an option. I demand respect. If I don't demand it from my spouse, how can I demand it of my kids?

Of coarse, just my point of view

__________________
Proud to say I haven't shopped at a Wal-Mart since Sept 2003

ITA! My parents were divorced when I was in grammer school and I could NOT imagine having to live in the same house with the 2 of them any longer than I did. I moved in with my grandparents it was so bad and no child should have to put up with that, I was lucky to have somewhere to go.

You have to know when it's a workable problem and when it's not and cheating is not something you can work on. Sorry.

__________________
"A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked." ~ Bernard Meltzer

I think confronting the husband is the best way, give him the option to come clean to her and tell him if he won't then you will. Then be on standby to help her pick up the pieces. On the other hand, he could lie and tell his wife you are crazy or mistaken she might believe him. I guess I don't really have an answer. This sucks. He is putting her health at risk, he could pass on HIV, HPV or any other STD.

__________________
Raising my baby RIGHT!!!!!!

All the cool babies are wearing cloth!

I would tell her if it were my best friend because I would want to know if it was my dh

__________________
mom of 3 greats girls

Sorry, I have to disagree...Infidelity is something you can work on...If both people are honest and willing to give it a try... ~Lisa

I agree with you...I grew up with an alcoholic father...I often wished my mother would leave him, but she never did. They are still together to this day...45 years in the fall. I resent my mother for putting my brother and I through some terrible stuff. We never had a normal childhood...to say we had a bad childhood is an understatement. So I can see your point. But as I said before, we all make mistakes. Maybe this man has just made a terrible mistake and truly will be sorry once he's confronted. I do think once a cheater, always a cheater...but let's give the guy the benefit of the doubt. If he's a good father, then the kids are the ones who are going to lose out. We all do need to set examples for our kids, but sometimes we all mess up. No one is perfect. I'm just afraid this may blow up in the OP's face. The couple may work things out, then the OP might look like the bad guy. I once had a friend who told me her husband was cheating on her. After they worked things out, they ended up moving to our neighborhood. It was really awkward being around them. At times I wish she never had told me and I'm sure she wish she never said anything. I never liked him after I found out what he did to her. ~Lisa

thanks It's hard to explain so glad I got it across okay

__________________
Proud to say I haven't shopped at a Wal-Mart since Sept 2003

Well I agree with ya flipper because a cheater can never be honest IMO unless they were honest with their spouse to begin with about the affair BEFORE it began. Doubt that happens often. Cheating isn't a workable problem in my book.

My take on this usually offends people so if it does, I am sorry. It's not my intent. Just stating my opinion

__________________
Proud to say I haven't shopped at a Wal-Mart since Sept 2003

If it were my best friend I would tell her just as if it were me I would wasnt her to tell me.

Cheating would be a deal breaker for me......Having said that I have been in that situation except it was my best friends husband and he was hitting on me.....he was coming to my work, coming to my house when he knew my husband wasn't home and calling constantly. I didn't tell my husband at first because they worked together.... both cops.....and I knew my husband would kill him!!! (he almost did when I did tell him) so I told her, she knew and didn't care!!! Can you believe that, she also told me that she could not be friends with me anymore!! Point is I would and did tell. I would want to know if it was my husband.

That's the problem, both people aren't honest. With most problems it isn't so much an issue of trust so I believe those are workable, but once that trust is broken it's over.

My parents were also alcoholic, but never cheated ( as far as I know). The alcohol problem could have been dealt with, so could the underlaying problem that caused the drinking to begin with as long as the 2 people still believed in each other and were honest not only with each other but with themselves.

__________________
"A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked." ~ Bernard Meltzer

I've always liked your posts and you Smurf! It's all good... This is a tough one... I understand what you mean about the kids...If they see this man doing whatever he pleases, obviously he has no respect for her...which in turn, the kids will have no respect for her either...especially for putting up with his crap...If they have children, the boys might grow up thinking it's ok to treat women like this...the girls might rebel and turn into tramps...Who knows?...Maybe there aren't any kids at all...In which case, I'd probably leave his sorry behind! I have a headache now! Night all! ~Lisa

This is SUCH an awkward topic. I'd be hesitant to confront the husband, because I don't know how much positive effect that could have on someone who was already doing the wrong thing, but I'd also wonder if the wife would want me involved at all. Then again, I'd also consider that the couple could have an open relationship, as those, while relatively uncommon, definitely exist.

Could she be having an affair as well? Could they have an "open" marriage?

Just some food for thought.

Well I have a camera that stays in my car and a camera cell phone, so first I would get a picture and then confront the man and the woman he was making out with. If he survived that I would tell him he had xxx amount of days before I told my bf. However my best friend and I have been bf for 26 yrs and there is NOTHING we don't discuss. We've been there for both of us getting divorces and moving on. Let's just say her ex hubby is more afraid of me than he is of her LOL

I'm with you 'Sista! Let him feel the sweat trickle....I would have to throw in some thought provoking comment to the chick he was with...something about STD's or the 8 kids at home and the bun in the oven.... OR maybe, Herpes. Just so word would get around and she'd stay gone!

I wouldn't say anything.Theres a good chance shes already suspicious of her husband fooling around and she has been in denial for the sake of her kids, and maybe other reasons.Telling her might really embarass her and make her even feel worse about it.

I am in my early thirties, and have a wonderful friend from 8th grade. We have been buddies since then and even ended up both moving to the same state (started in one state and both moved to anohter). In any case, we lived about 90 miles from each other~me in a small town, her in a large town. I often go to her town for shopping, visiting, etc. One trip to her town, I saw her husband with another woman out to lunch (I was at lunch with my sister in-law). When tehy finished lunch, they strolled across the street holding hands and into a hotel. My sister in-law and I stayed there for an hour gabbing about other things, and they still didn't come out of the hotel. Now, I don't KNOW for sure what he and this woman were doing, but I have a huge guess. I sat my friend down and talked with her, asking her how her and hubby were doing. She told me that she had suspisions (sp?) about him having an affair. In my opinion, that opened the window that I needed to be able to tell her what I saw. She did leave her husband, taking the two kids with her. He said that it was a mistake and that he wanted things to work out. They started counceling immediately and have moved back in together. The message that she has given her kids (with actionsand discussions) has been that mom and dad have had a big problem and needed to move apart to work on it. They had been married ten years when the affair happened, were seperated almost nine months and have now been back together almost a year. They continue counceling, go on trips (just the two of them) ever couple of months (to keep things fresh) and are now ~still~ in the honeymoon stage.

I am proud of her and how she has handled herself and her family. We have stayed friends through all of it. I do not regret telling her and when I asked her about it, she was grateful that I told her what I saw. I do not think this will happen with everyone, just wanted to share what has happened with me.

I do agree with everyone that it it were me, I would want to know.

__________________
Think about helping out with cancer...
Join the Relay for Life

My best friend had better tell me if my man is cheating. I would rather find out from a friend than the way I did, a letter from the sl*t on my steering wheel.

__________________
Laura
Please visit my blog
http://mylifeinlaurasworld.blogspot.com/

I started this thread more as a 'food for thought' then anything and WOW, it has taken off!!!

It is so important to think about this BEFORE it happens. Had I had not had my own children with me (they were toddlers at the time), I'd have confronted him as suggested above. He was with his secretary and they had been together for awhile prior to my *catching* them.

This scenario actually happened about 8 years ago but I can still feel incredible pain over the entire thing as if it was today.

I told my friend in a very similar way as some of you have outlined above. We have remained very strong friends but these have been incredibly difficult years for her. She has already been through one more marriage and had to raise their two children (also toddlers at the time) on her own for most of the time. Sometimes I think that if I had handled it differently, she would have had a better time of it since then.

She has never come out and said that she suspected anything prior to this. I'd sure like to know as it has been a huge burden for me to carry over the years wondering if I had said nothing, where their marriage would be today?? I'll see her soon and maybe we can rehash a bit now that some time has passed and she is in a VERY good relationship.

I am glad that you all are thinking about how you would handle it. It is definitely a hard one! Believe me.

I would confront the husband and allow him to discuss it with his wife....Going to your friend and telling her what you saw would be uncomfortable for you and embarrsing for her... He could deny it totally and it may tarnish your friendship forcing her to take sides with her husband or you.......

Plus I think if it was something they choose to work through, he will resent you for outing him, she may feel uncomfortable around you since you know their problems......

Perhaps you could bring it up in a way without directly mentiioning her husband first to get a feel of whether or not she would want to know in that position. Unless you truly know all the intimate details of their relationship, you don't know how much she may know already. You may be able to start a conversation like "I saw this show where person X saw person Y cheating and didn't know if they should tell person Z, what do you think?" Just a hypothetical..."If that was you, would you want to know?" type of thing so you can see what her choice would be before you decide to tell. She may or may not already know, but there is definitely the possibility that you telling her could make her feel uncomfortable around you in the future regardless of the outcome of the marriage.

People keep talking about the future of their marriage....how did you become responsible for their marriage? They are responsible for their marriage....he is in charge of not touching other women....just as shes in charge of not touching other men.You don't kill the messenger!

Alot of people don't find out their spouse are cheating on them right away. It can take years before they catch them. I knew someone that cheated on their spouse and they didn't find out right away..It was five years later. It finally came back to haunt the guy. They ended up in a marriage counsil and decided to saved their marriage. She said the affair is one thing but the lies were another. They are happily married today but there will never be 100% trust in their marriage.

I think you did the right thing! It better for her not to invest into a marriage that is based on lies & cheating..She would of found out ....Might of taken time but she would of found out on her own... 5, 10, 20 years down the road it would of caught up with him! A liar can't remember their own lies!

__________________
Angels may not come when you call them, but they'll always be there when you need them.

Id be afraid he would just deny it, and I'd look like the "donkey" who tired to break them up.
But I worry about silly things LOL
Really, what if he denied it?
I'd confront him first

__________________
I have OCCD
Obsessive-Compulsive Coupon Disorder!!!

Ok to any of my friends that are on this board. If you see my husband in a truck sitting close to her you better tell me. I do not want to be the last to know. Why would you make her feel stupid in a few months or even years from now she finds out that he is cheating on her and you telll her well I have always suspected this I saw him in the truck one day with some woman. To me it's not a choice it's what is right. Again, I woud only state the facts and add nothing too it. No opinion nothing just tell her what you saw. I see my friends husbands out all the time and say Oh I just saw your hubby when I was at the mall. No big deal I am not trying to get anyone in trouble it's just small talk. This is important information about your friends husband why would it be your decision?

__________________
cmemaloy@yahoo.com


I'd rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not.

Life! is a coin. You can spend it anyway you wish, but you can only spend it once.

Well, as others have said, I think it depends on the depth of the relationship. I have a couple of extremely close friends whom I would definitely share this information with. I would walk up to the truck, knock on the window to interrupt the lip action, and let him know that I WILL be talking to his wife....it is up to him whether his choice is to talk to her first. I am very loyal to my dear close friends....obviously more close and loyal to them than her husband is. And I would then follow through and tell............trying to deliver the info as gently as possible, but telling nonetheless.

With acquaintances, I think I would wait and see...wait for further info, either from my friend or other information before proceeding.

__________________
"Well-Behaved Women SELDOM make history."Laurel Thatcher Ulrich


"Yesterday is but a vision, and tomorrow is only a dream. But today well lived makes every yesterday a dream of happiness, and every tomorrow a dream of hope." Anonymous

"Your candle does not lose it's light by lighting another candle" Generosity

Have the courage to be yourself.

<<<HUGS>>> ohgod! I feel for you, your son, and your family. Given time, this will be a learning experience for all. What a drag.

OMG!! What a horrible thing for you and your DS to have to deal with. That is why children shouldn't play house! They are not ready for the relationship dramas that happen. I'm sure that once your boys are a little old maybe they will understand. I think it is sorta sweet that they reacted that strongly....at least you know they think that you are worth so much more thatn having to deal with that crap.. I wish you love and luck as you and your DH go forward.

i would tell a close friend or my sister, and i would prob not tell someone i did not know that well or someone who was clearly in denial. you would not believe how some people are! ugh!

where we used to live there was a couple i knew, neighbors..the hubby was rumored to be a drunk/druggie/cheater .well the hubby hits on me, then on my friend at a neighborhood bbq, i debate should i tell the wife or..is he drunk/joking around..? i find out the wife is pregnant and i am not sure how to proceed..i don't say anything yet tho.

couple weeks later the wife is out gardening one day and i'm getting mail and she starts talking to me,asks if i heard all the commotion at their house last night i said oh no what happenned? she said her hubby got home at 2am and she was so worried about him and there was a bullet hole in the car, and a woman's belt in the front seat - tells me that her poor sweet hubby picked up a woman who was hitchhiking,

she goes on to say he is so sweet he felt sorry for hitchhiker lady and drove her 50 miles to her house and then the skanky evil hitchhiker tried to steal his wallet so he ripped the belt right off her pants (insert rolling eyes here) and beat her with it to get her out of the car, and then she pulls out a gun and shoots at his car.

omg i could not believe this woman truly seemed to believe this crazy story! i just wanted to scream your hubby is a cheater and druggie and..! obviously he was screwing around and a woman left her belt in his car - and the bullet hole in the car, well, probably from one of his many trips to buy drugs -

it gets better...she has the baby it's about 6 mos old. one day walks into her house when she got off work early, finds her hubby messing around with her SISTER. guess what happenned? the sister is not allowed around and they are not speaking, but she stays w/hubby and sez oh men can't help it, they all cheat, etc but i can't believe my sister would do that to me.

people are SOOOOOOOOO stupid sometimes. i would only tell a very very close friend/relative!!!

I have actually been in the same situation. It was years ago. One of my best friends knew that my dh was having an affair with a mutual friend. She didn't come to me and tell me. I know that she had a very hard time dealing with what was the right thing to do. My dh actually came to me and told me the truth. We had been living two seperate lives for a while. He was working all the time and I had devoted alot of time to taking care of my ill mother. I wasn't home much, and when I was home, my mind was always with my mother and worrying 24/7 about her. My dh and I had very little communication. When we did communicate, it usually ended in a fight......I even told him I didn't love him.
We went thru counciling, worked it out, and we are still together, and getting ready to celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary in June. As for my friend....we have remained close. She was very torn about what was the right thing to do. She was thankful that my dh did fess up...
I am not so sure that if she had told me, I would have been so willing to work on my marriage. The fact that my dh came clean, and really wanted to work on our marriage was the reason I was willing to work it out!

I would go to the husband and tell him I really love your wife. She is one of the best friends I have ever had. I don't want her to be hurt. Either you tell her about this or I will. Depending on the man, how many times he's done this, whether he plans on going honest, whether they will stay together, all these things come into play.
If he is a dog and she knows he's going around cheating then I say nothing. If she thinks he's a peachy keen guy who loves her truly and we are good friends then I tell her. I don't just blurt it out. I make it clear this is something that I don't want to be a part of but I could never live with myself if I kept this to myself.
I would want to know so this comes down to (like most other things in life) "do unto others as you would have them do unto you". I am not a queen of denial. I want to know so I can straighten my life out and although I can somewhat intellectually understand why some people would not want to know I feel if you have respect for yourself you will demand it from others.

__________________
The political system is broke and it's a joke.

I have to say I completely disagree with the idea of confronting the husband. If he is a master manipulator - and cheaters are manipulators to a large degree - he could possibly turn the tables by telling his wife that he saw YOU in the act, confronted you and that is why you are telling her that you caught him. You are trying to cause trouble because you are angry at him for catching you....even tho it's not true.

I would also be concerned that he could possibly cause you physical harm. Who knows how skillfully the web of deceit is woven and how desperate he would be to keep it from unravelling...cough, cough, Scott Petersen.

I'd hate to be in your shoes. I don't think there's a right decision here, and you could lose a friend either way. If someone (even my best friend) came to me to tell me they saw my husband messing around, I would not believe them. I love my husband and I trust that he would never do that to me. And, honestly, you should trust your husband's word above anyone elses. I'd remain with my husband, and I'd lose a friend.

You have a really tough decision to make. I feel bad for you (and for your friend).

__________________
I'm in a constant search for the next great freebie or deal.