I need some help as to how to address a situation with my MIL. She watches our 8 month old DD for us Monday thru Friday while we are at work and has been doing so since I returned to work when DD was 3 months old. We take DD to MIL and FIL’s house 3 days a week and she comes to our house 2 days (she insisted on doing this).

Anyways, we pay MIL every month for watching DD and every time I write her a check, she makes a huge deal out if it and says she feels funny taking our money – even though she said she wanted us to pay her (which I don’t have a problem with at all). For my inlaws, it’s more about the principle of us paying them than it is about the money since they are retired and don’t need the money at all.

Before DD was even born, I began stocking up on diapers whenever I saw a good deal just so that I would have plenty to use at home and plenty to send to over to my MIL’s house. I never, ever expected MIL and FIL to provide any of the necessities for DD. MIL took the first few packages fine, but then started to protest every time I tried to offer her more. She said that she was going to buy diapers for her house and didn’t want to take anymore of ours – even though she could see I had many, many boxes at home. MIL even went so far as to bring diapers back to our house that I had given her. She didn’t say anything, but when I went in DD’s room one day after MIL left, I found a package sitting on the floor that I had given her. MIL kept refusing to take any diapers from us even though I offered time upon time. I finally gave up offering after she brought back a pack that I had given her and this was about 2 months ago.

Well … this morning, while at work, DH gets a call on his cell from his dad. His dad didn’t bother to ask how he was doing or anything. The first thing he said (with a super attitude and raised voice) was “WE HAVE A LITTLE PROBLEM HERE!” DH said “What’s the problem?” FIL said “WHY HAVEN’T YOU BEEN SENDING ANY DIAPERS OVER FOR YOUR DD? YOU KNOW, THEY’RE EXPENSIVE AND WE CAN’T KEEP BUYING THEM!” DH then told FIL “We stopped sending them because mom told us not to. She said that she wanted to take care of that and she refused to take anymore diapers from us.” FIL said “THAT’S NEWS TO ME!”

I’m so furious right now that MIL couldn’t just fess up that she didn’t want to buy the diapers anymore and go ahead and ask us for some. I tried repeatedly to get her to take some of my stockpile, but she always refused. The fact that my FIL called DH leads me to believe that FIL and MIL have been talking and complaining about this to each other just letting it fester.

I don’t get it … MIL is always telling DH that he is going to get fired because once in a blue moon, he is running 2-3 minutes late, at the most, dropping DD off at their house in the morning. FYI – DH has been working for the same company for over 5 years and he’s not going to get fired for being 2-3 minutes late once every 3-4 weeks. I don't know why she threatens DH that he's going to get fired for being 2-3 minutes late, but she apparently has no problem with FIL calling DH on his cell while he is at work just to yell at him (this has happened a couple of times before over different things and if DH doesn't answer his cell, FIL will keep hanging up and calling back).

MIL is at our house today and I guess I need to be the adult and bring up the issue with her, but I don’t want to sound nasty. What I would really like to say is “We really don’t appreciate that you put FIL up to calling DH and yelling at him for us not supplying diapers when we have tried repeatedly to give them to you!!! Why couldn’t you just tell us that you needed some??? Why did you bring back diapers to our house that I had given to you for DD if it is such a big deal that you have to go and have FIL call to yell at your son while he is at work???”

Before MIL leaves our house today, I'm going to INSIST that she take 2 big boxes of diapers with her along with the 2 boxes of wipes I bought at lunch today (also tried to give her wipes and she has always refused saying that she would buy them).

Sorry this post is so long, but I am just fuming right now!

Could it be that they have run into some financial difficulties lately that you guys don't know about? I know that my grandma (who is filthy rich) got really uptight about money when some of her investments got tied up. It doesn't matter that they have more money than God in their private bank account. Also, they got uptight about money at the beginning of what they thought was going to be a medical crisis. I just wanted to address that as a possible issue because you said they had plenty of money.

And you know what maybe she went and bought a bunch of diapers like she said she was going to and HER DH didn't think they should have too. Especially since he said "that was news to him", about you all offering to bring the diapers. You just never know when someones having a plain crappy day....and the least little thing could make them made. Did you ever hear the saying its easier to yell at your family than your boss? It so true, cause a family will still love you but a boss will tell you to pack your stuff!! I would just let this one go. everyones entitled to a crappy day and the diaper thing is just something very small to make such a big deal over.

If you would like to be passive aggressive to check him though I'd have DH drop off about fifteen boxes or packages of diapers. (never listen to me when I'm being evil)

To answer your question about if they could have run into some financial difficulties, I highly doubt it. They have plenty of money, but they have always been extremely frugal.

I think it is a possibility that my FIL went shopping with my MIL when she was buying diapers and just saw how much they cost and started complaining. The thing is - she should have set him straight that she is the one who insisted on buying them to keep at their house.

It's hard to just let it go when stuff like this happens all the time. Maybe it is just because FIL is 74 or 75 and doesn't have much patience anymore and MIL is 70 or 71 - DH and I are both in our 30's. They always treat us like we are children. DH is the youngest and has 3 older sisters, 2 of which are married with families and one who is going through a divorce. MIL and FIL have made comments to us that we are the only ones who have never asked for anything from them or borrowed any money (and we never will). MIL will make comments about simple things like my bakeware (which is nothing special - just a glass baking dish) or garbage can (which is white plastic, but it has a lid) and say "Oh, that looks so fancy." I know what she means is "Oh, that looks expensive."

As far as being passive aggressive, I'm INSISTING that MIL take at least 2 boxes of diapers with her tonight, each box with over 150 diapers, when she leaves our house along with 2 boxes of wipes. I'm just wondering if she will take them or not - oh well, it's not going to be up for discussion - she's taking them!

Sorry to go off on so many tangents, but I'm so mad that I just keep thinking of every little thing that they do that irritates me.

Could it be the FIL insits on getting paid for watching your child? I'm thinking the MIL doesn't really like accepting the money & this is one way to get the money back to you ..He might of seen her walk in the door with the diapers acouple of times and figures they are "having" to buy the diapers.

I would ask why do you want to buy the diapers for us? Then i would mention the phone call and tell her it might not be the best ideal to do this any longer since FIL is upset with it. Then I would give her the diapers.

If she stills feel bad about the money.. You can always tell her she could buy some toys for the baby or buy a outfit every once in awhile. I think buying gifts for his grandbaby wouldn't upset him.

My father tends to give out advice on how we need to save our money & not to spend our money on luxury items. I think alot of parents worry about their kids because they know they won't be around forever to help them.

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Angels may not come when you call them, but they'll always be there when you need them.

I wouldn't start the conversation with ' We really don't appreciate" I think it is a little too negative and will set a bad tone for the conversation. I would say that "I think we have a misunderstanding about the diapers that we really need to talk out. Ithought you were refusing my diapers because etc, etc. 'If she agrees with the way you understood it, i would add 'can you please tell Dad it was a misunderstanding because he seems to think we were expecting you to buy diapers'. Although there alot of great advantages to having your in-laws baby-sit, for some people it gives a feeling of power over you that they like to flex once in a while- from experience here.

I'm thinking that the FIL might sorta rule the roost (given the generation that they're from) and being a frugal guy, the arrangement that the MIL agreed to doesn't sit quite right with him. Perhaps he discovered the diaper buying and took it upon himself to clear it up cuz it didn't seem right to him and the MIL isn't even aware ... Kinda giving the folks the benefit of the doubt here... maybe approach it that way. Big misunderstanding.... talk about it, perhaps be sure to provide the supplies to make grandpa happy, but if she feels that she wants to help, reduce her salary a bit...

cj/

It sounds like your MIL and FIL are on different pages! To make sure the diapers are in their house, don't give the diapers to your MIL -- hand them DIRECTLY to the FIL. This way there will be no way he can say you're not providing diapers for your little one.

What a great idea!!

It is odd, but maybe he is the reason she wants to come to YOUR house a couple days a week.

Even though they love the baby could it be more work than they thought at their age?
Could they be tired of babysitting?

I would try to be nice and ask her about the diapers. She may want to buy them, but maybe HE don't want to spend the money! She might not have asked him to call.

I watched a dear friend's baby for her first year (last year) and then I found that it was too too much for ME! My boys are age 9 and 12 and were home during the summer but were helpful for the first two weeks and then that dropped off. Also, it REALLY tied us down and we were not able to go anywhere because there was always a nap, etc. and I did not feel good about driving the baby around (safety reasons... anxiety of mine!).

It was really really hard to do and as the baby got older, she just seemed more bored being home alone with me every day as she started sleeping less. I finally got up the guts to tell my friend that it was time for her to find someone else.

I do not know if I would have been able to do that if she was family. It was incredibly hard to quit and leave them in a lurch and not know if they would *forgive* me... would I ever see the baby again??? BUT, I was literally crying from exhaustion every day and my DH finally told me that maybe I needed to move on... I was so attached to my little girl. Lucky me, the mother forgave me... took awhile! but she still comes over every few weeks just for a few hours and we have a great time together. We are still very close.

Maybe your inlaws are feeling some of this... Great point Shirley. It's exhausting.

I agree great thinking! Maybe the MIL is really trying to do everything she can for you, she wants to be a help and to buy the things she needs to care for the baby, but it is stressing her out. I wouldn't want to watch a baby for anyone and I'm probably half their age! Then if SHE is stressed out, FIL will naturally suffer the consuquences, kwim?

So instead of giving in and saying it's too much, they vent and complain in other ways.

Don't be confrontational, she's doing her best and your FIL is the one who finally had enough and decided to say something giving the hint that all is not well. It's not the money speaking here. They tried and can't handle it, give them an out, but talk to them.

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"A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked." ~ Bernard Meltzer

I'd give them an out as well.

There are some very excellent people out there who will take super care of your baby. It feels like there is no one like family but there IS.

I'd personally look for someone with kids a little bit older and not too many babies (2 at the most, including your own in diapers)... the socializing will be good for the baby even though it might seem stressful to you at times as the baby learns how to get along with others.

I'm reading between the lines of what FIL/MIL might be trying to convey but it is so fresh in my memory as to how difficult it was for me and I'm only in my 40's.

I want to thank everyone for their input and suggestions. There are some good ideas on here that I hadn't thought of yet.

I would also like to clarify that when I quoted what I actually wanted to say to MIL, it was just me venting. I never had any intention of actually saying it, I was just wanting a nicer way to put things than what I felt like saying.

As to the reference that FIL rules the house and took it upon himself to address the situation, that's not really true. MIL actually rules the house and FIL just goes along with whatever she says. I've seen this for the last 12 years that I've been with DH, and he assures me that it has always been that way. God forbid anything ever happen to MIL first because FIL is completely lost and can barely function without MIL around to tell him what to do. He is a total mess on the rare occasion that she goes out of town for a day or two.

I know I said that they are both retired, but FIL does work 2 days a week (I think just to be out of the house and have something to do). 2 of the 3 days of the work week that FIL is home are the days that MIL insists on coming to our house. I'm still not sure if it's because they may get on each other's nerves, or if it's just because FIL gets grumpy sometimes and MIL thinks it would be best not to have DD over there on those days.

MIL had been telling us for a very long time that whenever we had a baby, that she would quit the little cleaning job she had gotten since she retired and take care of the baby during the day for us. I understand that with their age, it is possible that it might be too much for them to handle, but I don't really think this is the problem because she's offered to keep DD at times on the weekend and even overnight before (although we haven't taken her up on her offers). If it was too much for her/them, I don't think she would be offering to keep DD at those times.

Anyway, unfortunately we had a bit of a confrontation tonight. DH got home just a few minutes after me and I just casually asked MIL if there was a problem with the diaper situation. She said that there wasn't. I told here that that was strange because FIL had called DH while he was at work and gave him an earfull letting him know that he wasn't too happy with us. MIL said "Hmm - I don't know why your father did that. I didn't know anything about it." (Didn't really believe her, especially since she didn't seem to shocked or bothered by it.) I felt the need to stick up for DH, so I told MIL that the thing that bothered me the most was that FIL called DH while he was at work just to get onto him. I told her that I would appreciate it if he didn't do that anymore since it affected his work the rest of the day. I think she was really blown away because I've always been so quiet and agreeable. Anyways, I told MIL that I would feel better if she would just take some of our stockpile of diapers home with her and, of course, she tried to refuse them again. I insisted that she take some and DH insisted too. DH asked her "So, you didn't have any idea that he called me about that today?" and MIL said "No." Here's where it gets bad - DH said "I don't believe you." MIL said "What?" DH then said "I don't believe you for one minute. I think you knew about it. Why would dad even be concerned about diapers if you weren't talking/complaining about it to him?" MIL then just said that she was leaving and she went ahead and left. FYI, FIL called DH at 10:35 this morning, and according to our caller ID, FIL called our house (to talk to MIL) shortly after that. That leads me to believe that MIL knew exactly what FIL had done. As much as MIL is in charge of their house, I don't think she had the guts to address the situation with us, so maybe she asked FIL to mention it to DH. I don't think she would have wanted FIL to call DH and handle it the way he did (he's just getting to be a grumpy old man), but I don't think it was a surprise to her either.

The weird thing is that last year, DH's aunt (FIL's sister) kept calling one of DH's sisters at work for silly little things and just to visit. DH's sister complained about it to their mom and MIL ended up confronting the aunt and told her never to call her daughter and bother her at work again because it was interfering with her getting work done and it just wasn't appropriate. MIL truly didn't seem bothered by the fact that FIL called DH while he was working, and not just to chit chat, but to jump all over him.

I guess I'm going to have to try and make nice tomorrow when I go to pick DD up from their house. We really and truly appreciate that MIL watches DD for us and we think that it is the best place she could possibly be. I still can't decide if I want to pick up a card to write in to give to her letting her know how much we really appreciate her, or if I want to tell her verbally. I'm leaning towards a card since it is sometimes hard to get a word in edgewise.

Since all four of you are involved in this now......I wouldn't have a one on one with mil. I'd work it out for all four of you to be together and discuss. All the guessing and presuming in the world won't help if she gets offended - which is likely, and not something I gather you want.

Personally, I think it's time to find a different sitter.

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"Why must you speak, when you have nothing to say." Horatio Hornblower

I think the first thing is to let your DH deal with his parents. Telling your MIL that you don't appreciate FIL upsetting your husband at work is something he needs to say.

I think that at first she was all into buying the diapers because you were offering...now that you haven't been offering she wants you to. My dad is like this, he insists on doing things even when we offer to pay, first time we don't offer to pay then he is pissy. I think it gives him the feeling of feeling "big".

It is probably more to it than the diapers though. Maybe FIL is tired of having the baby all the time or sees that it is too much on his wife. I know I couldn't handle a baby five days a week and I am only 36!

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#3 Gone To Race In A Better Place...

Do not start out with "first of all" because that will just cause them to be defensive. I also agree that the FIL was probably kept out of the loop...and when he saw the price of diapers, probably flipped. That generation used cloth and I can imagine him reeling at the cost. BTW FIL sounds soo much like my dad it is uncanny.

I would approach mil by saying if she does not use your stash, soon the baby will outgrow them and it will be a waste.

good luck !

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Live, Love, Laugh

Chrystal - you really hit the nail on the head with the things you said, although I do feel like I needed to say something about FIL calling DH at work. I'm just so aggreeable and easy going all of the time and I think it really shocked MIL to hear me stand up for DH and let her know that I didn't approve of it.


Okay, scratch my idea of getting MIL a card today. I talked to DH after he dropped DD off at MIL's house this morning. FIL is out of town and won't be back until later today.

It turns out that MIL is more upset about the fact that DH came to me about what FIL did than anything else. She actually told DH that she couldn't believe that DH went to me about it and that he didn't need to involve me in anything because DH's father is a good man and now she's concerned that I think he isn't, blah, blah, blah. She’s actually more worried about their image than anything else! Anyways, MIL says to DH this morning "If you were half the man your father is..." Sooo, now I guess we know what she really thinks of her son. I know that DH was really hurt by that comment, and me being DH’s wife and after having a really crappy man for a father myself, I take personal offense to it as well. DH is a wonderful husband and a better father than I could have ever dreamed he could be. I don’t know why she just can’t be proud of the man and father that he has become, but they always have to find something to pick at.

DH has always been the black sheep of the family and was quite a handful close to 20 years ago. However, DH has really grown up and things are completely different now. MIL started bringing up everything that DH did way back then (which is pretty miniscule to what a lot of kids do today) just to try and turn things around and make it look like they are saints and everything is his fault. This is stuff that happened while DH was still in high school and shortly after he graduated – he’s 35 now, time to move on!

MIL told him that she knows that he doesn't like his own family and went on to specify that he doesn't care for any of his 3 sisters or his parents (I’m sure MIL had nice long talks with all of DH’s sisters last night and everything is all our fault and nobody else will even want to hear our side). Geez! That's pretty funny, because at Thanksgiving dinner, we found out that his sister that lives here in town was having a "family" get together the following night but we weren't supposed to know about it. One of DH's other sisters said something to us about seeing us and the baby the next night over at their sister's house. DH's other sister was right there and had a deer in the headlights look on her face. Instead of her inviting us herself, the other sister had to say "Can't they come too?" Her excuse when she got caught was that she didn't invite us because she just assumed we would be busy. Ummm, we had a 3 1/2 month old baby - what did she think we were going to be busy doing? We know that she wasn’t obligated in any way to invite us over to her home, but it just made us feel pretty crappy and left out that she had invited everyone except us.

MIL actually told DH this morning that she has never turned down diapers from us and that she never would. That is a flat out lie! Even last night when I tried to get her to take some diapers with her it was like pulling teeth just to get her to take them. She kept telling me that she didn’t want/need them and that she had plenty. She also denied ever returning one of the packages of diapers that I had given her, but I am 110% sure that she did. I don’t know what she expects, but when I have offered diapers to her on many different occasions and she tells me “No” every single time, I start to think that maybe she doesn’t want them. What an idiot I am! I’m thinking that if I’ve offered them and tried talking her into taking them for at least 3-4 minutes on each occasion, and she still refuses, that she just doesn’t want them. Apparently, she just wants it to be a huge production every time I try to give her some and wants me to have to force them on her.

When DH went to leave their house this morning, MIL started crying and begged him to not take DD away from her. She went on and on about how she still wants to keep DD for us during the day. Apparently, our DD and the thought that DH talks openly to me about what they say to him are the only things that bother her. Anyways, DH told MIL that we had never mentioned or thought of taking DD from her, but I’m thinking we need to start checking into other avenues of child care now.

I’m sorry, I don’t mean to offend anyone, but it’s people like my inlaws that give Christians a bad name. They’re always preaching to us (actually it’s MIL that does the preaching and she doesn’t do it to me too much, but she sure does it to DH) and they are the biggest hypocrites I know. They are flat out lying to us about things and trying to manipulate the situation by throwing things in DH’s face that he did 15-20 years ago. And, by the way, it’s not like DH killed anyone.

DH just called me again and we decided that we are both going over to the inlaws house to pick up DD tonight so all 4 of us can sit down and talk and try to get things straight. My stomach is really in knots right now and will be all day. I just know that FIL will not be able to sit there and have a rational conversation without exploding and MIL will probably interupt us every time we try to talk, but at least we're going to try to be the adults in the situation and give it a try.

I realize that most people may not read these long posts of mine, but it’s like therapy just typing it out and being able to vent about it without being attacked. Thanks!

All I can say to that is......SWEET LORD!

and thank god you have found all this out now before, your DD is old enough to start soaking up some of that garbage about her daddy from her Grandma!!!

I do think that you need to 'explor other avenues of childcare'...

I'd truly not let them think that it is something that they did wrong since I am sure that you have really appreciated their help!

Let them know that she is getting older and you'd like for her to be around other kids... They should know that is a good thing for a toddler! Also, let them know that you WILL be needing them to help with the baby when you and DH go out for an evening or for a weekend now and then. Don't let her think that it is *OVER*. That is what will hurt her more than anything.

When I'm in my 70's I'll never offer to watch grandkids other than an occasional overnighter or few hours here and there.

Ok, stepping off my soapbox. Good luck with your decision. I know how hard it is for both sides... believe me. I've been on both sides!

I would also check into other avenue's of child care, that way it takes our ALL of the family politics, and especially if you can find someone who you trust. Check into people who do childcare out of their home, it's more of a homey environment, and I think better for kids. As for the remark" they are the kind of people who give Christians a bad name." Remember, they are just people. Don't lump every Christian into that Category, otherwise it will turn into one of those stereotypes "all Christians are hypocrites." Not very nice for those of us who do consider ourselves Christian. Not all Christians are preachy and hypocritical of others, I don't think I am. Just my take on the matter.

Did you realize there was a rift of some sort between your husband and his sisters? Why would your MIL say anything about " You (DH) don't like your sisters."? And to have her say that she never refused diapers would grind on my last nerve!

This is one of "those events" which will change things forever. You will always hear the MIL's complaints about your husband in your ear and your FIL started this whole mess over DIAPERS!!! Time to smile broadly. "Gosh, we are thrilled you have helped our baby , but she is getting older and it may be too much for you. We will start looking for daycare elsewhere". I would have that kid out of there before she can start telling your child "Remember when you pooped your pants at Aunt Clara's house and ruined her carpet" or "You have always been a fussy child" or what ever flaw she decides the child has as a life trait. RUN!

Let us know what happened last night. By the way, did you go to the sister's house after the sister #2 told you about the "party"?

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Lyn Clarke

So how did your conversation go?

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Mom to Miss C & Mr. E
Former SAHM now working full time
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