My husband decided that he wanted to stay home and not run all over town seeing family. That was fine with me he works 60 hours a week and has his own business on the side, so I knew he would be working all day. So I went to my MIL house she told me to be there at 4:30. Every holiday she tells me the wrong time so I am always there way too early. So we get there and of course they still need cleaning done and what not. I pitch in. Mind you I have all three children dressed to the Tee. They looked perfect. Well I am helping and all of a sudden my son walks down stairs (the one with asperger syndrome) and all of a sudden I hear my husbands step father yell "I am still F@#$ing cleaning get your A@# outside now. So I go running down to see what kind of mess my son has mad. All he did was walk down the stairs nothing else. He never even said a word. I told them I was leaving and tried getting the kids in the car. Well she called my husband and had me talk to him. I told him his Step Dad was an insane A## and I was not staying. My husband asked me to stay for his mothers sake. OK I am calmer now and I stayed. People started coming and I had no intention of speaking to my husbands step dad. When my SIL walked in he gave her a kiss and the had the nerve to say "OH Carrie I didn't give you a kiss" I walked out of the room and he followed me to give me a kiss. I tell you what he could kiss. I couldn't make a scene my husbands sister just got married and they invited her new inlaws. So anyways through the entire night my kids were only allowed outside or in the kitchen so as not to interrupt the big adults. I am not that kind of parent I involve my kids in everything and I do know there is a time and a place for only adults but why did she invite us if it was going to be an adult party and her grandkids were going to be in the way. They ate dinner and I couldn't even eat as soon as my kids were done eatiing I left. I told my husband that will be the last time I go over there with my kids. It was nice enough that I went there without my husband and then to be treated like that? Am I right to not make my kids go over there anymore with that crazy step father? Now mind you he is crazy and I hate using that word but he is medically insane. I want to call her so bad today and tell her that we will not be coming back over.
Am I wrong or should I just brush all this off. I am so mad right now.

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cmemaloy@yahoo.com


I'd rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not.

Life! is a coin. You can spend it anyway you wish, but you can only spend it once.

I forgot to say my son locked himself in the car for 20 minutes. He did not want to come out because he was so scared. I know it's not my MIL fault that he acts the way he does but why does she make me come over so darn early.

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cmemaloy@yahoo.com


I'd rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not.

Life! is a coin. You can spend it anyway you wish, but you can only spend it once.

Sorry to hear you had such a terrible time.

I don't think men are very sensitive to what scares kids and how yelling does nothing more. Your son clearly wasn't doing anything wrong and your step father owes you ALL, especially your son a BIG apology. Not that you'll get it, but he was just wrong.

They were probably under a lot of stress, having the new relatives over for the first time, wanting everything to be perfect? Wanting the kids to be in a different room so the adults can have time to chat (the old school way like when I was little, kids are to be seen not heard sort of thing).

It all doesn't give them the right to be rude, but maybe it's a little easier to understand why they were like they were?

And about the inviting you over early, maybe your MIL just doesn't time things right? Maybe she thinks everything will be ready at 4:00 and it's not ready until 6:00? Or she just wants to spend extra time with you guys? Or she needs someone to help step dad to clean!?

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"A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked." ~ Bernard Meltzer

Wow! What a horrible day. I'm not sure I would call or do anything right now, if I were you. Sit on it for a few days and then decide the best course of action. If you ever do decide to go over there again, I would be fasionably late.

Our family gatherings tended to be the same way and we just gracefully stopped going, either one of the kids would be "sick" or we had already 'promised' someone else that we would get together with them. Now, my family doesn't even bother to call on holidays. It's kind of bittersweet. I miss them and am kind of sad but it just wasn't worth the drama. It would literally take me days to get over a family gathering and my husband would be so fed up, it just wasn't worth it.

I was the only one told 4:30 everyone else was told 5:30-6:00. I am invited way to early because I am the only one that helps. We have a divorced family so that mean 3 houses each holiday.So it would have been nice to have the extra 1 1/2 with my mother.

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cmemaloy@yahoo.com


I'd rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not.

Life! is a coin. You can spend it anyway you wish, but you can only spend it once.

Your step father-in-law sounds overly cranky. Gosh, how often do they even see your kids? I can relate to the not having empathy or understanding of the asperger boy. I have an 11 year old asperger son and I feel this same tension from my sister., of all people. One year when he was just 5 yrs old or so, he was trying to blow out the candles on her then 12 yr old sons birthday cake. He was very fascinated with fire then, and in his mind , he knew that you blew out birthday candles (whether there yours or not). Her son laughed it off and was not bothered by this, but my sister was super peeved. I didn't think it was a huge deal, but a year or two later, while celebrating the same son's b-day, she snidely remarked how she hoped he could blow out his own candles! What a B**ch!

So, I can relate to the lack of understanding/love that family members can portray. You would hope that they would be a little kinder and gentle-toned in the way they relate to your son, but they probably remember a mess or something he broke 5 yrs ago, and refuse to forget. I would limit my time with your step fil, but don't make your mil pay for his lack of a good disposition.

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I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!

Wow, I'm so sorry!! Maybe you should stay at your home on the next holiday (and each one after that). I'm a firm believer in starting our own family traditions and we've never thrown our kids in cars to travel to family homes. They are welcome here at any time.

You have every right to be upset. I would be LIVID!

Carrie, if this is the norm with your in-laws, perhaps starting the tradition of staying at home with your own family is the right thing to do. I wouldn't go to a home where my children (or myself) were treated in such a manner. I would feel for your MIL BUT she is allowing her husband to do this and that is NOT okay! It's time to put your foot down and just do your own thing. You say she invites you early because she knows you will help and then you get treated like crap? Simple to cure that. Arrive 2 hours later than she says. If you arrive and they aren't ready? Easy, say "I see you aren't ready yet. That is actually great because I have some things I REALLY need to get done. When will you be ready?" Then leave! Men are usually more insensitive but it's really your DH who needs to step it up. He wants his mom to have a good easter...let him go and you take the kids to your mom's.
Just my two cents

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Proud to say I haven't shopped at a Wal-Mart since Sept 2003

I am sooooo sorry to hear you had a bad time. I would not call MIL. Next time she invites you over just kindly tell her you have other plans. It is not her fault her husband is cranky but its also not your fault. If it was me I would invite MIL to lunch to see the kids.

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TLJ ~ Where opinions are encouraged, not deleted

You laugh at me because I am different,
I laugh at you because you are all the same.

Your mind is like a parachute, it only works when it is open.

I simply would not go back, plain and simple. I don't see how your husband could ask you to stay there after all of that, he isn't the one that had to deal with any of it. (not flaming just thinking how I would react in this situation)

What gives the stepdad the right to speak to your child with those words? Who does he think he is? Did your MIL even stick up for him? That was her husband and she should have told him to keep his mouth shut and go apologize to the child.

JERKS!!!

I know nothing of ASpergers, but if ANYONE wouuld talk to my kids like that. I would of made the biggest scene, but I'm confontational. .I don't even think you owe them a phone call. I don't hink you owe them an explanationl.. If they are that blind to it then that is on them.. Your mil could of told her husband to apologize right then and there. ohhh.. I just want to go over there and tell him off for you....

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Too many people spend money they haven't earned to buy things they don't want, to impress people they don't like. - Will Rogers

I would not have stayed regardless of what and who I was hurting. First your MIL and your husband should not have asked you to stay and subject your kids to that treatment.

Join me in the "never at your house again" group. I also will not be returning to my Dad's and step-witches for crappy treatment.

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Laura
Please visit my blog
http://mylifeinlaurasworld.blogspot.com/

Here's my general policy on dealing with the in-laws: They are DH's parents, he should be the one "dealing" with them. Now, what I mean by this is simply he should be the one bringing this up with HIS parents (step-parents). I don't expect DH to "deal" with my parents. I hope that made sense. I just know that with my MIL, she gets bent out of shape over EVERYTHING I say.So, I have found it best not to deal with her or FIL that way. Actually in ANY way, since we are currently not speaking to FIL and his wife, and it's coming real close to that with MIL, too.

Sad, and I'm sorry this happened. Believe me, I've been there. I'll never forget the time FIL threw my DS (then about 7 or 8???) into his lake. He felt it was time for DS to learn how to swim. DH and I were in such shock, we didn't even KNOW what to say. All the in-laws had to say was "well, that's how Dad taught US how to swim". This is a family board, so I'll stop my post there!!!

Again, sorry.

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Doing the right thing isn't always the same as doing the easy thing.

Well my daughter left her coat there and of course I called to make sure it was there.... They acted like nothing happened. My SFIL asked if I liked dinner I said no and then it all spilled out. I told them they would not be seeing my children at their home any longer and my MIL was welcome to come to my home but he was not welcome. I told him he was unstable and may not understand what he did but that he will no longer be harming my children emotionally. I was not nice, they had me on speaker phone so they both heard what I said. I really didn't give them a chance to say much. My SFIL asked if he should drop off my daughters coat and I said no my husband will be picking it up. I know I sounded mean but I have had enough. People are always walking on me and treating me bad and I am sick and tired of it.

__________________
cmemaloy@yahoo.com


I'd rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not.

Life! is a coin. You can spend it anyway you wish, but you can only spend it once.

Carrie, sorry your Easter was ruined.
I know you say you're not going back and told them so also. IF you do change your mind, knowing your MIL always invites you too early, why not go about an hour or hour and a half after the time she tells you. If you miss dinner...oh well....if you miss any other activites...oh well. Go visit for a few minutes, allow your kids to see their grandmother and be done with it.
I would never want my kids hurt emotionally or physically and I know you don't either and that's why you're keeping them away from the SFIL. I can't blame you for that. I think telling your MIL that she's welcome to your house to see the family was a step in the right direction.
Honestly, I would probably do as you're planning to do and not returning. Who needs that treatment or drama? I would though keep in touch with the MIL for the sake of your husband and kids, JMO though.

Sometimes it's so hard to keep those feeling bottled up. I did exactly what you did a couple years ago with my IL's, the EXACT same thing. My MIL forwarded all of my letters to my SIL, so that made the mess even worse.

Anyway it is now about 2 years later and my SIL and I are just getting to the point where we can be in the same room and small talk, but my MIL and I are actually a little better off. I think she is more aware of how she was hurting me and if I didn't tell her, she would still be doing it.

I bet the whole thing came as a big surprise to them? They had no idea it was coming? They didn't even know they did anything wrong?

I would let things go for a little while, let DH take care of talking to them but only if necessary. Stay away and get some space, let them see how much they hurt your family. And let your family recoup, let the kids learn that the behavior they saw on Easter is NOT acceptable from anyone, even family members.

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"A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked." ~ Bernard Meltzer

If ANYONE ever used that word around my kids it would be the last time they would ever see us!!!!!

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Square dancing is friendship set to music!

Normally I would agree that letting DH deal with his family is the route to go... BUT when it invloves one of my kids the gloves come off. My MIL's husband is a nut bag plain and simple. The first time he rip into my son for talking while adults were talking and made him cry (he was 4), I packed my kid up and told DH that we are out of there and if he wanted to join us he was more than welcome. I do not take kindly to anyone yelling at my kid when I am sitting right there. My kids are well behaved and in that instance he was actually talking to his grandma about something fun that happened at pre school...

A year later we were at my nephews Christening and step-FIL thought it would be funny to give my kid beer (he was 5)...I walked up to him and said "That is strike two AS-HOLE" and left again... I have talked to MIL and DH and said the next time that man does one thing to harm my kids that all this family crap would be over. I told them both if the guy ever gives my kids beer again I will call the police and if he ever tries to discipline them I will get a bat and beat the crap out of him. My son is now 16 and we never had another incident.

Luckily they moved to Arizona a few years later so I don't have to deal with him on every holiday. Now if my inlaws offended me I would handle it as well. I have been in this family for 18 years and have earned the right to speak my mind. My kids need to see that I will protect them and that I will speak up when they are being treated unfairly. I am their mother and that is my job...in-laws don't rank.

OP...there is no way in Hades that I would subject my kids to that kind of treatment and DH should be just as furious as you are and for that matter so should your MIL. Those are HER grandkids and shame on her for allowing it to happen. I don't give a crap how cranky her DH is...that is unacceptable.

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#3 Gone To Race In A Better Place...

Carrie- You showed a lot more restaint that I would have shown. When he yelled at my kid, I would have been packing up to get out of there. When my MIL called my HUSBAND to TALK TO ME? I would have been over the edge. MY husband needs to explain things to me!! You have got to be kidding. I would have walked out that second- I don't care if the Pope was there. And, if SFIL tried to kiss me, I would have looked him straight in the eye and said, "Get away from me before I hurt you".

Listen if your MIL married a butthead then that is her problem, not yours. High five on finally speaking your mind. Yes, if your MIL wants to come to your house to visit the kids that is fine. I would never involve SFIL again at their house or yours. Done Finished. Over. Did you see Dr Phil yesterday?

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Lyn Clarke

Why is it that we take more crap from family members then from anyone else?? Your STEP-FIL had no right talking to your son that way (he has asperger which means he has a very high IQ but doesn't handle social situations, right?). I would have left. I hated going over to my inlaws for any holiday. My inlaws house was like a mini museum, everything was breakable or untouchable.

Next year stay home have an egg hunt with your children and make yourself a nice dinner!

Thank you all for your support. My MIL is not perfect either but I can deal with her it's him. I can't handle someone so unstable around my kids. This is not the first time he has screwed up but it will be the last.

PS I am going now to buy my daughter a new coat. DH is too upset to even go pick up the stupid coat.

__________________
cmemaloy@yahoo.com


I'd rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I am not.

Life! is a coin. You can spend it anyway you wish, but you can only spend it once.