My brother is getting married in a couple months. It's her 4th marraige and his 2nd. It is a huge deal (which is another story in itself). Here is my question. She is 50 and he is 38. She has 3 bridesmaids, 2 of which are my daughters (ages 13 & 10). I spent $406 on their dresses. Am I required to get them a wedding gift, too? What is your opinion? I bought him a gift for his 1st wedding and they were divorced less than a year later. They have a house and are living together. Personally, I think they should be requesting no gifts, but they're registered everywhere. What should I do?

Thanks,
Lisa

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"It's not having what you want,
It's wanting what you've got"

If you have the money, you should get them something. Perhaps just a nice silver picture frame. Maybe you can find something on sale that looks more expensive than it is. Or make them a scrapbook if you are crafty.

Yeah! I think a scrapbook with their wedding pictures would be great. I had someone take all of these pictures from when I was getting my hair done, nails, at the park, cutting the cake etc and mailed it to me in a nice box wrapped like a present and when I opened it I thought it was the best gift because of so much time and thought that went into it. I had people give cash and write checks for $200 and $300, which was nice I can't complaint, but the scrapbook was great.

I also like the scrapbook idea. Or give them something inexpencive.

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TLJ ~ Where opinions are encouraged, not deleted

You laugh at me because I am different,
I laugh at you because you are all the same.

Your mind is like a parachute, it only works when it is open.

Just because you bought dresses doesn't mean you shouldn't get a gift IMO. Something small but nice. A scrapbook is nice (if they like that sort of thing) or perhaps a gift basket:
large wicker basket (that can be used for something later on. You can get them 50% off at Hobby Lobby a lot)
bread mix (the *gourmet ones* aren't that pricey and look nicer
loaf pan
potholders
gourmet jams

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Proud to say I haven't shopped at a Wal-Mart since Sept 2003

When it comes to your family, I would just be happy for them and get a great gift. Don't worry about what "Miss Manners" says. Its your brother, come on.

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Vicki


TLJ Women united in Spirit!

I totally agree that they should have stated no gifts. Sorry, I would not buy them anything. Between them they are 88 years old and will have 6 marriages. If I was one of HER friends I would not be attending her 4th wedding and I certainly would not be buying any gifts. Please tell me that she is not having a shower. Sorry, that would just be tacky in my opinion.

Oh...and if the reason she is marrying for the 4th time is because she has been widowed 3 times or left abusive marriages then I apologize. I guess circumstances beyond our control could lead us to finding Mr. Right the 4th time around. I still think no gifts though.

WHOA!!! I was posting the same time as mrk...girl, you are CRAZY! I wanna see you buy gifts for that crazy SIL of yours if she marries for the 4th time.

Bite me! You know I would have to to keep the peace!!

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Vicki


TLJ Women united in Spirit!

yeah, sorry, but I think you're obligated to buy a gift...

I have not heard about one yet, but I am assuming so. This is a huge wedding with everything else, so I'm assuming a shower will be happening soon. This whole wedding is tacky, but, like I said above, that's another story.


None of the above. 3 Mr. Wrongs and Mrs. Wrong for my brother.


Thanks for all the ideas. My preference would be not to buy anything - but the overwhelming majority are suggesting a small item like a scrapbook or photo album, so I may go that direction. That's a good compromise, I think.

Lisa

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"It's not having what you want,
It's wanting what you've got"

I have a similar situation, but not quite the high number of remarriages. My SIL is getting remarried in the summer......her second, his first marriage. Should we view this as a first marriage gift-wise?



Gosh, with the OP's scenario, I wouldn't even want to go to the wedding if I had my doubts about her and it was her 4th marriage. They really should be low-key about it and maybe consider the courthouse.

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I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!

I think the amount you spent on the dresses should be the gift. I bet you would not have spent that much on a gift. I would give them a card and something small.

I totally understand your questioning a gift because of the other expenses you have already gone through for this wedding, but he is your brother. If you are strongly concerned this marriage will not last make sure the gift is something your brother would love...like maybe a power washer, gas grill, etc. This way you know he'll end up with it. My nephew got married nearly 2 years ago and the shower we had (two of us) cost $1500. Yes, and I did have to buy a gift for the shower too. Both my sons were in the wedding and my daughter was a reader for mass. I bought a beverage set (pitcher, stirer, and 6 glasses from Tiffany's in NYC for the boys to give as a gift, my daughter gave money in a card... 5 months later when they moved my sister recovered FROM THE TRASH the beverage set still in the blue tiffany box....it wasn't her style. She had registered for things that she had wanted and did not registered for anything like that. Needless to say this winter when I was invited to a baby shower a 75 dollar gift was all I sent.

I would buy them a small wedding gift ....they shouldn't expect anything big since you had to buy your dd dresses...Maybe I'm too old fashion but I really find it tacky having bridesmaids by their own dresses.

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Angels may not come when you call them, but they'll always be there when you need them.

they shouldn't get anything. they both should have enough stuff from the previous marriages that there should be no reason to buy something.

Okay...here's my opinion. Do whatever makes you happy. At the same time, respect them for doing what is obivously making them happy. I, too, am getting married a second time, but it IS my first marriage to David. And, I am having a wedding, and I am wearing a wedding dress. I was NOT going to register, but people have been begging me to so that they can buy us something we need. I don't want gifts...I want my friends to be there with me and have a wonderful time. But, I also know my friends...they want to get us something.

Before anyone judges anyone, you might want to search out their story--everyone has one. I was pregnant when I got married at 21, and, with a very low self-esteem, I was so happy that someone actually wanted to be my husband. I lost the baby, but we were married for 23 years, and we have one incredible son. My ex-husband is a great guy...he was just a horrible husband and father. He was a complusive gambler and an alcoholic, and he was abusive. I could handle all of that. However, I couldn't continue when he robbed me of what was left of my self-esteem. Skip over a separation and divorce where he constantly threatened to kill me and himself, and here comes David. David is care-free, funny, loving, and treats me like a queen. It's like I am living, and marrying, for the first time.

You don't have to acknowledge their "wedding" with a gift, but a token of your happiness for them, and this new place in their life, would be appreciated. I love the idea of a frame.

Thanks for listening, but I couldn't keep quiet. :-)

Marilou

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If you're not living on the edge, you're wasting space.

I've always had to buy the Bridesmaids dresses when I was in a wedding. That's what I expect when I agree to be in a wedding. You can always say no if you don't want the expense. I also bought gifts for the couple when I was in a wedding even though I paid for the dress. I would get some kind of gift. Especially if it was my brother.

Jen

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Mom to Jake, Zach & Meghan
SJCC STREAKS FOOTBALL!!
CLEVELAND BROWNS FOOTBALL!

If your brother is getting married for the right reasons (which i think we must assume) then it won't really matter if you bring a gift or not, or how much you spend on said gift. What will matter is that you were there to share in the event.

I do reccommend a simple gift a nice picture frame, photo album or memory book because you won't have to spend very much .......small fee to keep the peace just in case the bride is one who keeps track of such things. But really you should do what your heart says. If it really feels wrong to get a gift then don't I don't think anyone should hold that against you. especially considering the money you've already spent on the dresses.

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"Life is short. Break the rules. Forgive quickly. Kiss slowly. Love truly. Laugh uncontrollably and never regret anything that made you smile. Life may not be the party we hoped for but while we're here we should dance."

Peace.

I say...he's your brother...ask him what they expect!
Say, "I have already spent upwards of $500 on this wedding and I was wondering if you were expecting gifts and the like". I mean, he's your brother...you should be able to ask him what he expects. Maybe he doesn't know the dresses she picked out were OVER $200 a piece!

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That is a lot to pay for dresses for little girls - wow! Did the bride select the dresses or did you? It's been a long time since my group was getting married and our kids are not quite there yet, so I'm having a little sticker shock at that price. The mother of our flower girl volunteered to make a dress for her daughter in the wedding colors and that was fine with me.

I do think that when you participate in a wedding and need to buy clothing, rent a tux, or pay for travel, you should still send a gift. It's part of the package. Something keepsake but not terribly expensive as the others have suggested seems really nice.

cj/

I would buy an inexpensive frame and mat, and frame the invitation. You could probably get away with $10 ~ $15. Attach a card wishing them a long and happy life together. Who knows? Maybe this one will stick!

BTW, eventhough it was a LOT to spend on dresses, I think that if you agree to be in a wedding, you are repsonsible for buying your own dresses, renting a tux, or whatever. As far as I know it's been that way forever.

I'd give them knives... Just kidding. Suggestions by others are great.

She selected them - we were told to go get fitted and to pay for them - nonrefundable 6 months early!! I told my brother if they back out, they owe me $406!!

Lisa

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"It's not having what you want,
It's wanting what you've got"

Oh, I love that idea! My mom did that with my college graduation announcement and I loved it. She also did it for DH when he graduated - before we were married.

Lisa

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"It's not having what you want,
It's wanting what you've got"

That is a great idea and should be affordable to frame the invitation.

You can always say you are saving up a big gift for their 10th anniversary!

I do too!! We bought all our bridesmaids and flower girls dresses as well as paid for the rentals for the tux's! I had 9 bridesmaids and three flower girls........9 groomsmen.......4 ushers and 1 ringbearer!

I think if the people have to pay to be in your wedding then you had better not expect a gift!

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Vicki


TLJ Women united in Spirit!

Well, with it being her 4th marriage and his second, IMO, they shouldn't even be having a large wedding and expecting gifts. That, like you said, was another story in itself. Sorry, even though I disagree with them having a big wedding with bridemaids, etc., I think you should buy them something (I'd go with a picture frame like some others have said). I think having a big wedding after so many divorces is really tacky. Please tell me she isn't wearing WHITE!!!

I don't know, its like saying their union doesn't matter. I have only been married once (and still am), and thats all I will ever need but, honestly it doesn't bother me that they are having their own wedding. How does it really affect you if it doesn't work? Your out a few bucks for a gift? That to me is worth it to show my brother I support him and wish him the best. And isn't that what you would want for your brother?

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Vicki


TLJ Women united in Spirit!

Her dress is red & black - the whole wedding/reception is a masquarade ball - as in Phantom of the Opera. My girls are wearing black.

Lisa

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"It's not having what you want,
It's wanting what you've got"

Me, too. DH & I will be married 18 years in October. I guess I'm just kind of put out by the whole big deal. I think it should be a small deal. I'm not really that close to my brother - we kind of get on each others nerves. But you are right - it doesn't affect me if it doesn't work out. I just have to put up with her if it does!!

Lisa

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"It's not having what you want,
It's wanting what you've got"

I'm gasping a bit. She is wearing red & black? How strange. Sounds more like a costume party than a wedding. Is she poking fun at herself (4th marriage, wearing black)? I find this to be way over-the-top, laughable.

Oh yeah, when are your girls going to wear those black dresses again? Were they especially made for the wedding?


***I just went back to read your first post. SHE IS 50? She sounds extremely immature. She wants to have a mascarade ball theme for her wedding? IMO, a mature woman of 50 should not have a big wedding if it is not their first wedding. Your brother is in for a ride.

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I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!

The entire family is gasping a bit! No one can believe it - it is not a joke (in her eyes), it is basically a wedding costume party with a Phantom of the Opera theme. A lot of people are going simply to see the spectacle. I do honestly wish them the best, but this is so over the top...and it's not a joke to her - she's totally serious about the whole thing.

I just got a phonecall a little while ago - it is confirmed - they are having a shower in a couple weeks. I was supposed to be out of town, but our plans got changed - maybe I can still come up with an excuse!

Lisa

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"It's not having what you want,
It's wanting what you've got"

A wedding shower? Because at the ripe age of 50 she doesn't have enough domestic things? Or did she request cash instead? Unreal. You really are being a sport about all of this.

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I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!