I need some mother-in-law advice please....My MIL has not been happy in her marriage for some time, so she has decided to leave my FIL. Moving date is next weekend on Saturday, she lives 2/1/2 hours from us, and she has called my dh to come help her. Not to mention she is leaving, and my FIL doesn't even know. ( My dd's are her only grandchildren too)
All of this has caused a arguement with my dh and I, he feels he needs to be there for her, he is an only child, and of course it's his mom, so he feels caught in the middle of the way I feel, and what he thinks he should do.
My problem with this is that she has not even told my DD"s ( I have 3of them) that she is leaving.
I feel she should have sat them down and told them whatever she wanted to, how she was unhappy or whatever the case may be before she signed a lease or even moved. My youngest DD calls her all the time, well now she is going to have a new phone number, and what happens if she should call her old number. I am upset because I feel this falls on my dh and I , which I dont feel its our responsibility to tell the girls. It also seems like my dd's are just going to be yanked away or they won't even have a grandfather anymore. My dh doesnt see why I am upset, I feel that the my dd's should come first, and she has known that she was leaving for over a year and has made no attempt to tell them. My dh feels like he is caught in the middle, he feels like he should tell the girls if she hasnt.

What would you do? At this time I really dont feel like talking to her, because I have asked her many times to make sure the girls know, and she assured me she would.
She also has a guy in the military in Iraq, they are quite close, if you know what I mean, and he will be coming home soon, I feel this is a problem, because I dont want my children to go to her house and there he sits. My dh hasnt even met him yet. I just feel that she is going about this all the wrong way..Your advice please, do I have a right to be upset?

If your children are still living at home, personally I would want to be the one to tell them. Maybe I'm missing something though.

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My MIL died a couple years ago, but I basically left things up to my husband to handle. I'm sure he doesn't need the added stress! I would just make my feelings known and leave the rest up to him. My husband always put me and our kids before her. Anyway, doesn't totally apply here I guess. Is the FIL not your husband's father? Wondering why he couldn't still be in your childrens lives. If he wanted to be, that is. I would approach it something like "Grandma wants to live apart from Grandpa but you can still see both, separately". I don't think mine would really understand "divorce" yet.

Maybe I'm just misunderstanding, but is the whole issue just the fact that she didn't tell your daughters? That seems a bit trivial to me. I would just let my husband handle it in whatever way he sees fit, and forget about it.

I think you may be more pleased with the results if you and your husband tell your children. Who knows where the MIL would take the conversation with the kids. She may tell them more than they have to know or not enough. With you having the talk with them, they'll know exactly what YOU want them to know.
Also, your dh, though a grown man, will find this separation/divorce difficult. Give him a little break when you can. I know he feels torn. I'm sure he wants the best for you and his kids but he also feels he needs to support his mom. Is the man she's leaving his dad? If so, he'll probably want to continue to support him also.
My parents are still married and so I never went through the whole divorce process. But in talking to friends who've gone through it, even some who were married before their parents divorced, even as an adult it was quite difficult for them. So, with that said...don't allow this break up of your MIL to bring problems to your own marriage. Try to understand, though sometimes you may not. Try to be patient with your husband as this will be difficult for him too. And sit your kids down and talk to them about the situation, assuring them that they will still have their grandmother and will still talk to her, etc.
I'm currently going through a divorce and I know the process is painful to EVERYONE involved. So hugs to your family!!

Personally, if it were me, I'd tell my kids myself.

Yep, this is true (speaking from personal experience)

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Well, you DID ask for advice, so here goes. First of all, IMO, you are turning this into being about you, and it's really not. It seems to me, your MIL is really going thru something, to leave her DH. Set your own feelings aside for now. If this is how MIL chooses to handle things, that is her business. Something I have learned, and especially with ILs, you can't make them do what YOU think is right. As far as telling your DDs, how old are they??? If they are very young (under 13, IMO) then you and your DH should tell them what you think they need to know about the situation. Assure them that MIL and FIL still love them, no matter what troubles they may be having. If FIL stops calling or communicating with them, reassure them it is nothing they have done, but, something FIL is dealing with, and it is HIS choice not to call or interract with them.

As for your DH helping MIL move, I agree, he is definitely in the middle, and that is , IMO, wrong of your MIL to put your DH there, but, DH feels a sense of responsibility to his Mother, and wants to help her move. I would hope for the same from my DS if I were ever in that situation. It will be rather awkward for your DH and FIL, tho, I would think, and your DH should be prepared for that. Maybe your MIL and DH can have a talk and get MIL to tell FIL what is getting ready to go down??? For your DH's sake, at least.It doesn't seem like a good situation no matter what.

Sorry, and hope things improve.

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I'm not defending the MIL or the FIL, however, there's always two sides to every story. Why would she be planning for a year to leave, not tell her husband she's leaving and already have someone waiting in the wings???
If MIL is doing FIL dirty, DH really doesn't need to be in the middle of it cause it will appear that he's supporting her side. There's not enough details to understand what's actually going on.

I am in a situation similar to yours. My sister in law (her hubby and my hubby are brothers) is leaving her hubby and I am the only one in the whole family that knows. When this all takes place believe me its going to hit the family members like a ton of bricks.

I plan on explaining the situation to my girls when it happens because as one of the posters mentioned I want them to know whatever I tell them.

I think right now the MIL is thinking of herself only..who knows what the situation is in her marriage or within herself. I know from my sister in law that is exactly what she is doing..thinking of herself first right now.
I wouldnt depend on the MIL to jump through any hoops that you or dh might think she should because it just isnt going to happen.

Maybe sit down with dh and discuss what you want the dd's to know. Work together on this and form a united front so the girls wont be afraid of any issues.

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I agree with telling your daughters yourself, you never know what your MIL will tell them! They would probably feel more comfortable asking you questions about it too? Maybe tell them that your IL's are having problems right now, they are probably picking up on hints anyway and should have some idea about what's going on.


And it seems like she is only thinking of hersefl because maybe she finally is? Maybe she's stayed in a terrible marriage and finally has an out and is just worrying about taking it and having the courage to go through with it? Just guessing of course.


Like Allinaugust said , it isn't about you, it's about her and her life, you protect those around you and let things go. I do think DH can help her move, he doesn't have to get in the middle and he doesn't have to agree, but he should talk to your FIL about it.

Gotta love the IL's, right Ann!

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It could be that she was getting her life in order or waiting for when the right time came to leave.
Its hard to say, but I know it took my sister in law that long and she doesnt have a "guy" on the side either. My sister in law didnt tell her hubby because she doesnt want him to have a heads up on it. So maybe that is playing dirty or for her protection....

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I guess that I, too, don't see it as MIL's responsibility - or even just your DH's - to tell the children. It almost seems that perhaps you want your MIL to "have" to be the one to tell them as punishment for what seems to be bad behavior on her part.

If so... that's an understandable emotion and motivation. She created this mess that is going to cause them some pain and confusion, so it only seems right she have to be the one to handle the fallout.

Still... I think it's the responsibility of the parents to keep their own children informed of things that will impact them, both good and bad. It's terribly unfortunate that they are going to have something in their world turn upside down, but having either you or your DH - or the two of you together - sit them down and say, "Kids, I have some sad news that you need to know about. Grandma and Grandpa haven't been getting along with each other for awhile now, and we found out your grandma thinks it would be better if she went to live in a different house. She wants daddy to help her move her things to the place she's going to live, and he is going to, but it feels awkward for him."

They're sure to have lots of questions... "Is Grandma going to get married to somebody else?"

To which you can respond, "Not that I know of. That's really her business, and we will just have to deal with whatever she decides. I know we've talked about how it's best if moms and dads can get along together and love each other, and I'm really sad for Grandpa and Grandma that that isn't happening for them. It will make a lot of us sad and confused, which is why it's important to be really, really sure when you get married that you know your husband very well so that you have a better chance of getting along with them even when you're old and gray."

I guess I'm not of the mindset that it's okay to just pass it off as, "Well, this is what is going to make them happy now" to kids, as there is a value judgement to be identified for them - it's best if couples don't just find new honeys and divorce so they can hook up with them. It's an opportunity to have an honest conversation, instill the values you want them to hold, and explain the new circumstances through a filter that a caring mother seems to best recognize for her children.

For me and my family I feel whatever happens it is my job to tell my kids what I want them to know. Your MIL did her job...she told her son. Now you and your DH need to tell your kids. I would wait until their grandfather knows though.

Maybe it comes off differently in your post than how you really feel but it sounds like you are making this all about yourself and your kids. It does not really matter that grandma will have a new phone number...they will still be able to talk to her. I know every parent wants to protect their children from the bad things in life, but the truth hurts.

As for not wanting your girls around the new guy that is up to you, but ask yourself this...Would their grandmother EVER let anything bad happen to them? Would she EVER let anyone hurt them emotionally or physically? If you can honestly say that she would never do it, then it is only hurting the girls and alienating them from their grandmother.

Your DH needs you more now than your kids do...my parents divorced when I was pregnant with my third child. My dad found someone who is the same age as my sister!! That crap hurt! It took me two years to meet the woman and they lived 5 miles away!! But never once did I keep my dad from my boys. My DH knew how hard it was on me and he would take the boys to see my dad when they wanted to visit with him. My DH supported me in every way and he helped me get through my pain by being my rock...not gripping at me about how he thought I should handle it.

I might add that since your DH is playing an active role in the deception of his father, there is way more to this story than we know. This is a horrible time for him and he does not need any stress from you. You need to be supportive of your DH and not project your feelings into the equation.

ETA: I just re-read your post and have to add that, I honestly feel that by saying your DD's should come first is wrong. They should come first in your world not your MIL's, she raised her kid. The only way they will be yanked from their grandfather is if that is what your DH and you decide to do.

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Thanks everyone for the words of advice and encouragement...although some of them may stung a bit, I get what you are saying.
Maybe I worded it wrong, because at the time I was upset, I guess I feel there is a right way and a wrong way to do things. Also I guess I didnt state that I had offered to tell my dd's about this and my MIL said she wanted to.
I love my MIL, especially since I dont have a mom anymore, and I want her to be happy, but thanks once again and you have really helped put this in perspective

Thanks for the short reply Buttercup.

However, I'm still really curious what's going on.

Why is MIL leaving and not telling FIL? Why does she already have another man waiting? How old are your DD's?

It just becomes a muddled mess, doesn't it?

From what my MIL tells me ( and there is 2 sides to each story) is that she is unhappy , they dont get along, and he is much older than she is, and is a bit set in his ways. He isnt my dh's father, although has known him for at least 18 years.
The man waiting in the wings is a good friend that she works with and I think she was looking for a friend and it turned into more.
Also my dd's are 16 ( which she already knows by overhearing me on the phone),11 and 8 years old.

I hope she will be happy but I am going to try and keep a relationship going with their grandfather, they adore him and he's the only grandfather they have in this state.

It's hard not to take sides, particularly if you like the other party involved (FIL). I would tell the younger DD's what you want them to know, in the manner you want it told. You know your DD's the best and have a good idea how they will deal with this.
Here's hoping all goes well between those involved in this situation.

I'm glad to see you didn't ream anybody for their comments, and got the overall jest of them. I think a lot of times when people post things, when reading the replies/comments/advice, they don't factor in that the people replying don't know ALL the details that the OP will know, and can only offer up advice based on what is typed, and then how THEY interpret that. I try to keep that in mind myself, too.

Families....you gotta love 'em, right???

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You know even though I dont know you all personally, but from the boards, But a big thank you to all of you, it helps alot to get advice from people not in the mix, its nice to see their view point, even though it was a summary of the story. But thank you Ladies for the words, I hope I can help if ever needed.

I think its selfish of her to expect DS your DH to help her. She is leaving his father for another man. No matter how bad it is at home, I don't think I would be
able to comprehend my parents spliting up much less with a man waiting in the wings. I'm sure this was something that shes been thinking about for awhile.
I would be more concerned about DH than the girls right now.

Don't get me wrong, its going to rock their world, but its DH parents. Maybe you should be the one who talks to the girls and it be more like a conversation to support daddy instead of MIL.
The fact that your FIL doesn't have a clue makes me wonder.....is this really a marriage problem or was it bored wife and she found someone to have some excitement with.

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