I was talking to someone, a woman friend, who said she wished her husband had never told her that he cheated. This particular situation was a drunk one-night stand, not love but, a stupid drunken mistake. She is burden with this every day, but loves him and wants to stay with him.

I have told her to get some couseling if she really wants to stay with him.

The thing that struck me was the statement she made. "If you are the one who made the mistake, shouldn't you bear it until you die. Why should he get to pass on the guilt to me?"

He told her cause he felt so guilty and of course he feels better now! She doesn't.

If you cheat in THIS way should you be relieved of your guilt by being able to clear your soul?

I personally would want to know, not including any diseases that might be spread to me, I believe if you step out once you'll step out again. That is my personal opinion.

I would like to know what you think. Keep your mouth shut, if it was you. Want to know if it was your DH or SO?

__________________
Vicki


TLJ Women united in Spirit!

I think he should get counseling as well, there is obviously some reason he cheated and maybe he can figure it out and together they should get some couples counseling.
I have dated a couple cheaters and it's always in the back of your mind, but dating and marriage are 2 different things. Do they have children? That only makes it worse for the whole family.
I hope she will get help for herself, if he wont participate.

2 kids married 9 years

__________________
Vicki


TLJ Women united in Spirit!

This is tough. I'm sure the guilt for most is overwelmingly burdensome. I used to listen to Dr. Laura and her advice was not to tell if it was one time fling. Many times the woman or man cannot get past it, and their relationship will forever hinge on that one event.

__________________
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it!

I think the dh showed aliitle bit of too much relief He should of been overcome with " More Guilt" because he just crushed his DW dreams.. They both need counseling..They have a long road ahead of them..Trust issues is going to be a major factor in this marriage..but if they truely want to get past it they can...A marriage counsilor will help get the buried feelings out and help her cope with the feelings she experiencing now...I wish them the best of luck

on a side note---I do think it was a good thing that her dh came forward with this...most men wouldn't of ..
_______________________________________________


If it was my dh I would want to know..Of course I would be devasted

__________________
Angels may not come when you call them, but they'll always be there when you need them.

Since my bf is nice enough to ask me if its ok before he goes to an event without me,I would feel like its my fault if he got stuck in an incident where he cheated .And if it happened, I definately would NOT want to EVER know about it,lol. Some guys just can't control their behavior when out with the guys and drink too much.

Personally, I think it should be taken to the grave and not told.

I notice most posts talk about the man cheating. What about a woman cheating?

Women are alot sneaky than men are when it comes to cheating.....does that go back to Eve? HHHMMMMM

Man or Woman to me there is no difference....cheating is cheating.

__________________
Vicki


TLJ Women united in Spirit!

Dollydeal,

I don't know if in this case its her fault.....He was drunk and He made the choice, He put his winkie in the wrong place.

This isn't an unhappy marriage, there is something wrong or he wouldn't have done it, but what I mean is there was no unhappiness in the bedroom no money trouble and she wasn't cheating. I believe (and b/c she wants to stay) that it was just a dumb druken night. I have already given you guys my opinion in the OP but, we can't be everywhere at once. So, how come you would feel responsible if your BF slipped up?

__________________
Vicki


TLJ Women united in Spirit!

I would want to know.
In a notarized letter.

It will help in my trial. Ya know, the one where I am being tried for cutting off his willy and feeding it to him in a hot dog bun covered in mustard.

Seriously. I told Joey the night before our wedding 'Just letting you know, if you will cheat on me ONCE or hit me ONCE, you will not have the chance to do it twice.'

How romantic am I?

His dad and my father, my brothers (who were 14 and 16 at the time) and my uncles (7)told my husband that at our engagement party! He told me afterwards!!

__________________
Vicki


TLJ Women united in Spirit!

Seriously. I told Joey the night before our wedding 'Just letting you know, if you will cheat on me ONCE or hit me ONCE, you will not have the chance to do it twice.

Oh my goodness, Cici, this is what I told my dh, when we was going to get married and that was 34 years ago. I told him we could work out anything else but them two things was deal breakers. Since we just celebrated our 34th ann. last month , I am happy to report he has not done either one. I might add I have not either.

I would want to know, so many diseases that I would want to be tested for.

MRK, you are right to suggest counseling, they are the only ones who know what their marriage can survive. I pray they find the solution that will work for them.

I know a person who cheated once in a drunken, stupid situation (many, many, years ago). She never has told him, or anyone except me. She was having a lot of problems in her marriage at the time. Things are great with them now. She lives with the guilt every day. I am not sure if not telling was the right thing or not but I am really happy for them that things have worked out.

I am right with ya on that one!

I told mine if he ever hit me he'd better make sure I never got up, because if I did, he wouldn't!

My mom dedicated the song " you don't own me" as a notice to dad before their wedding.....lol

I would want to know if my husband cheated on me. I don't think he has the right to keep the information to me which could alter my life if i caught a disease. He doesn't own the right to keep it from me when i may not want to be with a cheater.

__________________
SAHM of Bailey 12, Tyler 10 , Emily Ann 6, and Ryan Matthew 4 yrs old.

I would also want to know I think its a responisbilty you have to your spouse you sure wouldnt want to cheat & then pass along an STD which going untreated can cause tons of problems & I think it happens alot

__________________
mom of 3 greats girls

Actually, I think the responses on this thread might be one-sided.

Those who have been cheated on and/or are cheaters, would be embarrassed to reply (I think?).

I would want to know so I could pack his bags right after I made an appointment to see my doctor. To cheat on your spouse is to display total disrespect and untrustworthiness. Being drunk is only a condition...never an excuse. If your moral character can only be counted on when you are in your best frame of mind, then your character is not very moral in the first place. I understand that people face difficult situations and differences in their lives. But, if you are not longer 100% invested in the relationship, be honest, kind, and leave the situation before your betrayal hurts more than just your character.

__________________
"Well-Behaved Women SELDOM make history."Laurel Thatcher Ulrich


"Yesterday is but a vision, and tomorrow is only a dream. But today well lived makes every yesterday a dream of happiness, and every tomorrow a dream of hope." Anonymous

"Your candle does not lose it's light by lighting another candle" Generosity

Have the courage to be yourself.

Well here is a not one-sided response...I have been cheated on and I am certainly not embarassed to admit it.

Quick background...we were together about 4 years, had been married for 20 months and had closed on our house 10 days prior. Yep, found out the rat was cheating on me 10 days after we signed a 30 year mortgage. Did I know there was trouble? NOPE, my understanding was we were happy, bought a house and were trying for a baby. Was it a one time thing for him? NOPE, apparently he had been bopping someone else's secretary for a few months. Did he fess up? NOPE, he came waltzing in the door at 2AM with bed hair. Did I try to work it out? NOPE, took the day off from work (I worked for his parents by the way) and I had his stuff packed when he came home that afternoon. I told him to load it up, move it out and that is the day I learned how to change a door knob all on my own. Could there have been any words that would have changed what I did, how I reacted? NOPE, my belief is once a cheater, always a cheater...sorry just my opinion and he was certainly not going to find anyway to change it.

Now...for the other side of my answer. Nothing can make a drunken one night stand go away, as a single person I had a few. I know how bad I felt then, and I really had no one else's "feelings" to hurt, I had no home to wreck, etc. but I still felt pretty raunchy about it all on my own. I think this marriage is on a course for destruction without some serious intervention. Loathing him and feeling bad about herself does not make a happy wife and mother which can lead to total disruption of a household. His confession hurting her and he feels relieved is just messed up and he should be kissing the ground she walks on for not booting him straight out the door. In her shoes I would make him get tested for STDs for 6 months minimum before I would sleep with him again...she is a big girl, she can take care of herself for a while. I would also move him outta the bedroom. And she needs counseling on her own for now. Making a "couples" decision is not something he should be allowed to help with for now. She needs to come to grips with her own feelings and then decide how she wants to proceed as a couple.

Can someone define 'cheating'?

I have been cheated on but it was mainly in his mind and didn't go any further than one romantic kiss.

Yes, I believe him and YES, I wish he had never told me... I can't get past it and it's been 4 years BUT he is a patient man and hasn't messed up since so WHY can't I get past it?

Oh, and YES, it is embarrassing but I'll step forward and admit it.

I believe Cheating is like Porn......can you give it a desciption.....No because it comes in many forms, but if it happens to you, you'll know.

And wow Cuthie, I am so sorry, I would not be able to let that go either. Thats really tough. What have you done for yourself to get past it? Counseling or screaming into the wind at the beach? anything?

__________________
Vicki


TLJ Women united in Spirit!

Because I knew farewell in advance that my bf cannot have an unsupervised outing with buddies without drinking too much.And I also know his behavior is unpredictable when hes had too much to drink,therefore allowing him to do it,and knowing what the consequences could be ,makes me guilty since I'm the one who gave him permission.Anyway,I don't allow him to go to bars,but hes allowed to go to Bike shows,etc. All drinking must be done at home and he is limited to 3 tallboys per drinking binge! It took me 3 years to get this control,and a lot of wars. Yes, I am a controlling b**** ,lol. But its for his own good and mine! I really don't have to worry about him cheating,because he doesn't drive,hes a welder and works at a factory with mostly ALL filthy,dirty ,GREASY men.And if there was a woman there she wouldn't touch them with a 10 foot pole as dirty as they get.

Now, if my bf worked at an office,and had an affair with the secretary,well that would be different.I would then want to know,so I could leave his sorry butt.

Also about porn,his buddy sent him some porn once and that was the last time.I let him know right away it won't be tolerated and he hasn't seen a naked woman but me since.

Well..

In one relationship or another I have been the cheating/ cheated on party. I know your friend is in a tough spot because the partner that cheated on me was my first love and there's a part of you that just doesn't want to give up that dream or believe the love you shared isn't what you had it all made up to be. But trust me, if he cheated.. there's something wrong. Drunk or not. If she doesn't figure out what it is and address the problem.. it's only going to get bigger while she isn't looking. Being the cheater is no picnic either. It was a tough situation and I was DESPERATE for some affection (mental and physical). I guess trapped is a good word to use.. Along comes someone who says all the right things and *acts* like they're genuinely interested. He just tapped into a need that I had buried for so long, and when the surface of that need was scratched it was like a rush of need followed. It's almost like I was powerless to deny it. BEFORE YOU FLAME.. please know that I know that's not an excuse. I take on full responsibility for my actions. To this day I carry guilt and shame when I think about it. That being said, I try my hardest to keep my marriage from getting to any point that I (or dh) would feel even the slightest urge because I know now how even if you aren't looking.... If there's a need that isn't being met and someone comes along and opens it up to you.. it's like pandora's box.

Having children changes everything as to how you handle it. Believe me.

Just as romantic as me telling hubby that the cast iron fajita pan I have is for his purpose if any of the above mentioned ever happens.


I couldn't ever get the cheating out of my head. I don't care drunk or not I would feel that pain the rest of my life. I would be angry and hurt.

He has to answer to God for it. We all have to answer to God for things we have done.

Cuthie, thanks for sharing that with us. That, in itself, had to be sort of painful.

I think the reason that it would be so hard to get past what you went through is because of what you said - it was in his mind. For me, to know that my DH had an emotional connection with someone else would be a hard thing to overcome -- possibly more difficult than getting over the one-night-stand variety of cheating (ie - no emotional connection).

I'm so glad he's been patient, and obviously you both feel this is worth working on. Don't forget what they say - that which doesn't kill you, makes you stronger...hang in there, Cuthie.

OMG...you stole my line! Honestly, I would want to know because it would help in the divorce. I detest liars and cheaters....men, women....doesn't matter. It won't be tolerated here. I would tell my friend to get a good attorney. If I found out from someone other than my spouse about their cheating, I would be twice the Bword I would be if my spouse told me themselves.

__________________
Proud to say I haven't shopped at a Wal-Mart since Sept 2003

Thanks for the kind words dev and mrk.

And yes, we do live through it and become stronger for it.

UPDATE

She threw him out when he couldn't shut up about how it didn't mean anything and he was so glad he could stay apparently he was SOSOSOSOSO relieved that he couldn't keep his mouth closed. The little creep came over here....like that was going to happen.....I told him he better go get started on some blood work like the wonderful BeachRatz suggested. Maybe if he could just shut up about the whole thing she might be able to swallow it. I swear if he tells anyone else about it and it gets around, shes never going to be able to keep it together. DUMB @SS is all I have to say.

Can you tell I am so pissed for her, shes like the sweetest,do anything for you person in the world. But then again, does anyone deserve it? This is really rocking my world, and its not even mine. I am afraid to give her any advice b/c I don't want to say to much and then its hard for them to get back together which is what she really wants. You know if no one knows then shes not publically shamed....her words not mine......Isn't that wrong that she feels like its her fault or that someone will find fault with HER for HIS mistake. OMG< this is the only time I can really vent b/c I am not telling her any of this!!

I don't want to make up HER mind for her, ya'll know what I mean right?

__________________
Vicki


TLJ Women united in Spirit!

I have been cheated on. My EX husband cheated with someone he worked with. He didnt tell me, her husband called me and played a tape recording of them talking on the phone. Were there problems?? Nope, we had been married a year and had a 9 month old daughter and a 9 year old son. I was working nights so I could stay home with the kids during the day. He apparently got bored. She told me about a hotel that they stayed at... I had a friend that was a cop who got a copy of the security tape from the lobby and there he was walking in. TOLD ME IT WASNT HIM... HELLOOOOO do I have STUPID tatooed on my forehead??
I tried however to work it out but I couldnt do it. No matter what happened or what we were fighting about the affair came up. I couldnt let it go. One day he went camping with friends and I listened to a voice mail on his cell... She was calling him to tell him be careful... I called him and told him that it was going to rain the next day and he needed to make sure he was home before it started b ecause everything he owned was in the middle of the yard....
I was done and walked away NEVER EVER looking back or regretting it... NEVER!!