Long story short... dd (16) has her first boyfriend (awe cute... until you meet his parents!) LOL


Facts:

1) parents are Catholic (same faith)-- that's a + (but not too impt to me)
2) boyfriend is same age as dd-- that's a +
3) boyfriend doesn't drive (like dd) -- another +
4) parents are EXTREMELY religious -- that's a huge negative (see below). lol
5) we both homeschool our kids -- that's a + (but also not too impt to me)


We had them over for Memorial Day picnic. (boyfriend and his parents) along with my family.

All the mother talked about was religion this and religion that...throughout the WHOLE PICNIC!!! My Dad who is devout Catholic left the picnic early!!! He said he couldn't take it anymore!

We are Catholic-- we do the weekly mass and say grace, etc...but this mother is EXTREMELY Catholic--church twice a day, everyday, including Sunday...blah, blah, blah.

dd finds out from bf that he "snuck" money out of his savings account and went to a yard sale and bought himself a little tv and nintendo...when his parents found out, they took the tv and the game system away from him saying it is "evil".

dd and bf were in our house watching tv in the living room while the adults were outside (most of us listening to mother talk about religion) ... mother says "do you have your computers in the house?" (here's your sign) I replied yes, we have 2 laptops and 3 desktops. She then says "well my Joey can't be on the computer unless I am sitting right next to him! Can you go unplug them?"

(I just looked at her like she was high...the son is 16 not 3!)

My step-mom (she is 80 so I forgive her sometimes bluntness) lol blurts out "is that all you ever talk about is religion???" Well, it supposedly hurt this mother's feelings.

My DH is NOT Catholic--he goes to church with us, and does a lot of "Catholic" motions, he is just not Catholic. So, to us, not being of a certain faith does not mean you are not religious--religion talk, after awhile sounds like preaching...when you preach, you push people away.

The father through this whole event largely remained quiet (who can get a word in edgewise??)

I don't want to hurt my dd or her new bf, but I tried to explain things to her about his "family."

Here is what I did:

her bf's parents put religion in the center of a wheel. Religion comes first...then all other things come out like spokes from the wheel.

We were raised (and I am raising dd) where the center of the wheel is FAMILY. Family comes FIRST...then all other things come out like spokes from the wheel.

I tried to tell her that Religion doesn't MAKE the family....Religion COMPLETES the family.

The mom informed me that her son is perfect. I informed her that our dd is not perfect, because no one is perfect, and that she is a teenager, just like her son--and they like to be teenagers.

I tried to tell our dd that it probably won't go beyond a "crush" because she would never be able to live up to the unbelievable expectations of her bf's mother. The mom has made it so that her son has absolutely no time in life for friends or girlfriends, and that she might want to consider just being his friend.

How can I explain this in better terms to her, so that she doesn't get hurt? I don't know if I even explained it right to you guys...

Until this picnic, we had never spoken with his parents, so we were completely blindsided when they arrived and that was all they talked about! (the mom primarily...the father just a little bit...the son not at all).

We had a total of 19 guests, so I felt really uncomfortable and "stuck in the middle" as the hostess with the guests. (a few of the guests weren't religious at all--and one of them was wiccan. I guess fortunately for me, my friend had enough class to not mention anything because I am sure if she had, the mom would have probably brought out a cross or something for exorcism or something.)

How do I deal with this in the future? Should I have asked them to shut up? What could I have done differently? And how do I further explain this to my DD?

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SPJRNTGADL!

I think the way you explained it (about the wheel) was good. About their extreme focus on religion I'm not sure how you would handle it.

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I've never lied to you. I've always told you some version the of truth.

Wow. I'd keep in mind that your dd is 16 and this will probably be one of many boyfriends. I don't know your dd or her boyfriend but assuming they are typical teenagers, I just can't imagine this relationship being the only one she ever has. With that said, I'd probably let things be. I'd let your dd and her bf continue whatever they've been doing. I'd let the bf come over, if he has been. I think you've explained it all to your dd and I'd keep reminding her when she brings up his family, that usually first loves don't last and it could be hurtful but there's someone for everyone and she will find the right one for her. I'd encourage her to have fun, keep the rest of her friends in the picture and not set any expectations with this bf.

Well, gee--why don't you ask a hard question!

We have had a similar issue w/ a neighbor family. They have two boys the same age as our kids. Our boys were over there playing and were sent home because one of my boys said the word "suck" (as in when he "died" on a video game he said "awwww man, that sucks...".) That, in the opinion of the neighbor, was cursing. It's a bit easier w/ our kids because they aren't 16 y/o and "in love" .

I explained it to my boys that different families make decisions on what is right and wrong and what is acceptable and not acceptable. We decided that it's ok for them to say "that sucks" or to read Harry Potter (oh yeah--that went over like a lead ballon w/ the neighbor mom when our boys invited her boys to watch the last Harry Potter movie ). And if they want to play with the neighbor boys then they will have to abide by the "rules" of their house, just as when the neighbor kids are at our house they have to abide by our rules.

So, in your shoes, I would ask my daughter are you willing to give up your identity to date this boy? Do you want to be subjected to the zealous and fanatical behaviour and rantings of his mother should you go to his house? Are you willing to speak, dress and/or behave completely differently when you are around his mother? That is what will be expected of you by his mother. (and God help that boy, but he's going to have some serious issues later on if his mother doesn't LIGHTEN UP!).

As far as her preaching to your guests--I don't know of a really tactful way to tell her to shut up other than saying "Oh let's talk about something else--you know the old saying friends shouldn't discuss politics and religion."

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Mental that one, I'm telling you. ---Ron Weasley, "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets"

SPEAKING OF DRESS!!!


I didn't "dress" for the picnic. I just bought a new pair of Eddie Bauer White flair linen pants, and I had on a pair of wedge shoes and a nice pale pink sleeveless shirt (tasteful and not "revealing").

She comes into the house and says "You are Catholic! You should NEVER wear pants! Especially THOSE kinds of pants. You can see your underwear!!!"

(you couldn't see my underwear, so I am not sure what she was talking about--but I was embarrassed because I really thought that I was dressed appropriately for my own gathering...I had waken early to put the ribs on the grill, then slaved the grill until the guests arrived some 5 hours later....I used table linens, china plates, crystal glasses, etc...I had each table decorated with fresh flowers, etc...all under a canopy. It was elegant. )

I guess that should have been my first clue that inviting these parents was a mistake.

*you had to mention "dress differently" didn't you. lol. ^%$# *



editing to add:

we TRIED to change the subject. For awhile we were talking about going to Greektown casino as a group...and hitting some of the clubs in Pontiac (techno music)...and she found ways to bring it back to religion.

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SPJRNTGADL!

I'd imagine your daughter likes the son for him - not the family. Now WE know it's a package deal, but to teens they just like the other person for whatever qualities that attracted them to each other.
I thought you opening up a dialogue with your daughter was wonderful. As a parent, I can see and feel your concern. Just be sure to continue to keep the lines of communication open. That's so important.


Wow. I love that.

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@@@
l/ l/ l/
Dont go through life,
GROW through life

Real eyes...realize...real lies.

HUSSY!!
Just kiddin'!!

Yep, this woman sounds like a nut-job!

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Mental that one, I'm telling you. ---Ron Weasley, "Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets"

Yep, that would have been clue #1!

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@@@
l/ l/ l/
Dont go through life,
GROW through life

Real eyes...realize...real lies.

She comes into the house and says "You are Catholic! You should NEVER wear pants! Especially THOSE kinds of pants. You can see your underwear!!!"


Atleast she wasn't looking at your thong when you bend over!!!

I am going to wish you best of luck with this woman.

Please don't take offense to what I am about to say. but tell your daughter to really consider only being friends with him. When I was 16 I dated someone and his mother was exactly like the woman you wrote about. We dated for a few months but she was just too pushy with her religion and actually gave him an ultimatum when I wouldn't give in and follow her "rules" and made him choose me or his family so I made it easy for him, i left. I could tell stories of how she was, personally i felt her issues were more controlling then religion however she kept mentioning God. Not to go off topic but one thing she use to say alot which made me laugh was "Only Satan's children hang out and go to malls, good catholic children stay home, clean, read the Bible and obey and honor their mother" She wouldn't let her kids go anywhere.

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~~~~**Maryann**~~~~

I just got a firm grip on reality....
Now I can strangle it

WOWZA, Where did she get that from ??.. I have played Bingo for over 30 years with people thats Catholic, Played at St.Johns, St. Ann, St. Matthews. Etc etc. EVERYONE that attends the Church and also plays there wore Pants. So I'm confused as to WHY she said no pants

Any hoot.Yep she sounds like a Fruit Cake and I give you praise had this been *Me* I would have told her off with the 1st comment she made that was out of line and rude.

WAY TO GO STEP- MA. I like her allot LOL...

I too, Do not think this will go very far. My feelings are this lady will start in on your DD and being YOU have raised her totally different than what she is raising the BF, Your DD will grew tired quickly and this will end the relationship.

SS this happen.

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MyCoupons Is #1 for Holiday Shopping

OMG this lady is so rude I went to a catholic school ....I never heard such a thing!! The few teachers who were not nuns wore pants all the time

I really have no advice for you except I have a feeling she will find something wrong with your dd and try to break up the relationship herself

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Angels may not come when you call them, but they'll always be there when you need them.

It sounds like a beautiful party and a very classy outfit.

I think I would let things run it's course with DD and the BF. I don't think you need to really explain any more than you have, she can see it for herself. While I would not encourage her TO see him anymore, I would not discourage it either. I think it's ok for her to experience different (yet the same) religious beliefs and judge for herself if she wants that or not. Like someone else said, she'll have many other boyfriends in her lifetime, let her learn from this experience and take it for what it's worth.

She's a smart girl and she'll get tired of all of that too.

And next gathering just don't invite them.

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"A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked." ~ Bernard Meltzer

I'm sure your daughter is smart enough to see thru this lady!! She sees how it is at your house and then goes to his house. I think what you told your daughter is perfect -- about the family being the center and not religion. You really can't say too much more. This is probably one of many boyfriends she'll have. You did better than I would have done -- sounds like she totally dictated the entire picnic (and ruined it for everyone). The grandparent that made the comment about 'is all you ever talk about is religion' is perfect!! That's probably what I would have said!! And then telling you what you should or should not be wearing and telling you to unplug your computers!! She sounds like a totally religious control freak. Her son is probably so happy to be at your house when he's visiting!!

All I can say is -- 'Hang on honey -- it's a long ride and yours is just beginning'~!!!!

She is 16 and most likely won't be marring this boy. IF that ever happened in the future, she would surely know what she was getting into.

I think all you can do is just explain to her that while her boyfriend's family may be a little more religious-minded than most, the important thing for her is to just be aware that this may cause some issues but it does not reflect poorly on HER.

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Mommy Cracked

I think I would let the relationship run its course as well. If you start trying to break them up, it's going to back fire and she's just going to want to see him more.

Also, they've gotta date some creeps to realize who the "princes" are. This will end up being one example of the type she doesn't want to end up with in the long run.

Lisa

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"It's not having what you want,
It's wanting what you've got"

eddie bauer linen pants, ooh how could you possibly wear such revealing clothes ROFL!!! that part is hysterical!!!


people are crazy -

it could be worse. at least they are not married

i know someone whose mil cried and cried to her son, that she was so hurt, because she thought his new wife/ their dil did not love her as much as the dil loved her own parents. dil had met her about 1 week before this.

& know someone else whose mil had a fit a couple days before the wedding and called the bride screaming that the bride had neglected to mail an invite to the groom 'you did not even have the decency to invite my son to his own wedding' screamed and cried to her. bride thought she was nuts but sent an invite to keep the peace.


thank goodness she is not your kid's mil LOL

what's sad is that my Dad IS religious...oh boy...and even HE couldn't take it anymore. LOL ugh! (How dare he leave ME to deal with her...at least I had some moral support when he was here. LOL)

Oh yeah, the pants, boy that just set me off... even my Dad said I looked "springy" (I took it as a compliment). lol

I like the son==he is a good kid, very polite and courteous!! It's the mother. I feel sorry for her son. our dd has NEVER been to their house. Son refuses to have her over there (which is fine with me, since they are in Wyandotte--about 25 minutes away--and we are in Belleville..and since neither drive, that puts the burden on me [selfish I know] )

I don't want to alienate their son and our dd, but I also don't want to risk the same type of conversation happening again if I invite the parents over!! I just don't know how to broach that subject to get them to stop preaching.

I guess I never realized that there are extremists in all faiths...I certainly never thought that there were Catholic ones. LOL

(btw: their view is: gambling at a casino is a sin...so is playing bingo for money. However, when churches have bingo for money it's not a sin because the money goes to a church.)

Needless to say, talking about going to Kewadin or Greektown was not a hit conversation for them...I forgot to mention that I used to play bingo religiously.

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SPJRNTGADL!

First of all, I wouldn't bother inviting the parents to your house again, or actually having anything to do with them at all. The kids are 16, and not engaged. You have no obligation to the boy's parents. Your DD will probably decide for herself that this relationship is too much to handle, especially if she spends any amount of time around the boyfriend's mother.

The boy, unfortunately, will probably beg off the whole religion thing as soon as he can. These fanatics frequently do that to their kids.

All I can say is your a better woman than I. I would have gone in changed into my best hootchie momma clothes (red thong and all) and paraded around. Either that or lost my temper and told her off.

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Laura
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