One of my best friends is pregnant and due around the same time as me (in about 5-6 weeks). This is her first pregnancy, my fourth. She has been driving me crazy lately! A little background info, she is in school, her DH works, they qualify for the Medicaid that covers pregnancy so they don’t really make a whole lot of money. She has not gotten anything for the baby yet (carseat; stroller; place such as bassinet, pack n play, crib, etc for the baby to sleep in; changing table; swing; diapers) because she thinks that she will get everything at one of her 3 showers (one is being thrown by her family, one is by her DH’s family, and one is by her coworkers {she works about 8 hours a week at a clothing store in the mall}).

Her mom said she would get her a crib but she doesn’t like the cribs in her mother’s price range. I’ve been friends with her for about 18 years and know her family rather well and am pretty sure they are not going to cough up $200 for the travel system she has registered for unless they pool their money together. The “shower” that her DH’s family is throwing is just his mom, 2 sisters, and an aunt. His two sisters are both in school and have no money, plus they don’t really get along with my friend so I don’t see them spending a lot of money on her. The people she works with have an average age of about 19 and are all in college, which equals not a lot of money to be spent.

ANYWAYS, she thinks that she’s going to get everything she needs from these people and so she went out and bought new furniture for her apartment with her excess student loan check instead of preparing for the baby or paying down her credit cards. I have been searching for good deals for her on baby stuff but she has refused to buy them (like the stuff at Kmart that was going so cheap, like the pack n play for $18) because she either doesn’t like the pattern on the baby gear or she knows that other people will certainly buy her whatever she wants. She is positive someone is going to get her the $300 crib bedding set from Pottery Barn Kids so she doesn’t bother to look at the links to bedding sets I have found online for her that look similar but cost between $49-79. She says that her child will not wear generic diapers yet refuses any diaper coupons I offer to share with her because she “is going to get all the diapers she needs” at her showers and besides, she can’t afford to spend the money on diapers right now.

She is just so out of touch with reality that it is driving me bonkers! She insists she is going to have the baby on a certain day (10 days before her due date), that her labor will only be a few hours long, that she will leave the hospital in her pre-pregnancy size jeans (she has gained 35 pounds so far) because her aunt did (um…she’s adopted!). She is not joking when she says these things—she believes them with all her heart. She also believed that she would not get any stretch marks but has had to change her mind about that one because her body had other ideas.

I don’t know if it is because I am becoming irritable in my own late stage of pregnancy and my tolerance level is lower or what, but we talk every day and I think I am going to go crazy hearing about her delusions! I want to be a good friend to her and I know she is going to need support after the baby is born because her DH travels a lot for work, but I know she is not going to deal well with things when she doesn’t get all of these things at her baby shower(s) and finds herself at home by herself with a crying baby, no diapers or swing, etc. I will try to help her out as much as I can, but am I a bad friend for wanting her to see that she is going to struggle after the baby is born? I’ve tried telling her that she is living in a fantasy world if she expects everything to go the way she is envisioning, but she just laughs it off and says she will be fine (she does not handle stress well so I don’t believe her). I just don’t know what to say to her sometimes when she goes off on these tangents and don’t want to come across as condescending but I have been in her shoes before and was so grateful to get a hand me down carseat and I started buying diapers one pack a week using coupons when I was 16 weeks pregnant.

Does anyone have any words of advice for me? How can I get her back into reality? She’s my friend and I love her dearly and don’t want to see her struggle or get stressed out but I really am at my wits end!!!

BTW, thanks for bearing with me if you made it all the way to the end of this post, I don't really want to vent to any of my IRL friends because I don't want to sound like I'm trying to badmouth her or anything and you guys give such good, creative advice.

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I've had a Foreman Grill for about six years. I've done about 85% of my cooking on it, but I've never burnt myself. Probably because I don't use it as a pillow.

Honestly I don't think there is a thing you can tell her to wake her up to reality. That reality is going to hit after the baby is born!!! I've met people just like her who already knows everything (even though they've never experienced having a baby before).

I would stop giving her any advice, let her basically learn the hard way. When she starts talking about how easy the labor is going to be and how she doesn't want her baby in generic diapers and how she wants all this fancy baby stuff instead of going to Wal-Mart or K-Mart, I would steer the conversation to an entirely different subject. Nothing you say to her is going to matter and it's just upsetting you to have to listen to her.

Since you've tried to help her and she obviously refuses your help and suggestions, I would let her learn the hard way. You've tried to be a good friend but sometimes people don't want to hear the suggestions.

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy!! And stop worrying about your friend.

No, you are living in reality. Unfortunately she is NOT.
That she would buy new furniture instead of getting baby stuff is shortsighted.
Not wanting to use coupons for diapers is rather silly.
Automatically thinking someone will shell out $300 for a Pottery Barn crib set is a not wise, especially considering she does not have the other more important stuff she needs.

The best you can do is straight up tell her the error in her thinking. The rest is up to her. She may just have to find out the hard way.
And don't let her stress you out! Take care of yourself, for your own health and sanity.

ETA: I just remembered having my first and not realizing how expensive it really is having a baby. Though I did not expect everyone to buy everything nor looked on the occasion as a gimme, I did have expensive tastes. That was changed real quick once I had to buy certain items. Generic diapers saved the wallet many times.

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l/ l/ l/
Dont go through life,
GROW through life

Real eyes...realize...real lies.

you obviously are trying to be a good friend, but she is not being receptive. As a first time mom, she probably thinks she knows everything (she sounds young).

Say some prayers for her, and let her off to run how she wants to run--reality will slap her in the face very soon.

Make sure that you protect yourself though when her reality sinks in--ie: when she comes to you for help, give her moral support, coupons etc...do NOT give her products! You have been more than generous with your time and effort already...you don't need to physically support her too.

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SPJRNTGADL!

Is that a student loan she will have to pay back??? Or a grant??

I honestly could not read your entire post, it screamed of a friend I "used" to have. Heaven forbid she would use a coupon, and came off like she was all that, and had so much money, blah, blah, blah. It was so draining , I just had to give her the heave ho. Long story and history there, and I don't think that is what you are looking to do, but, honestly, with my experience with that person, I would recommend you just say point blank "look.....I have had THREE children, I know a few things here!!!! I just want you to be prepared for what is about to happen" then leave it at that. You know, I believe for many people, there is a reason the poor stay poor, or get poorer (sp???).

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Doing the right thing isn't always the same as doing the easy thing.

Well, she has a tuition waiver for at least part of her tuition because she is a minority (she's adopted) and she takes out student loans to cover books and living expenses since she only works about 8 hours a week. She will have to pay back the student loans that she takes out.

She does not come across as having so much money, she just has champagne taste on a koolaid budget. I think she expects that other people will get her these expensive things because she thinks they DO have money and she maybe doesn't think they have anything better to spend it on? (My DH makes over six figures a year but from me she is getting a baby quilt that I am making, a couple of packs of diapers, and maybe something off her registry that costs about $20. I have three, soon to be four children and am working on paying off DH's student loans so we don't have a lot of disposable income).

I was just talking to her and she was telling me about how she read a few articles online and how they say the Britax carseats are the best, yadda yadda, and I told her I was going to be brutally honest with her. I told her she needs to make a baby budget and find out how much she really can afford and not to even look at more expensive stuff. I told her that before she starts deciding she's going to spend a fortune on a single item she needs to get the basics and maybe let grandma get the convertible carseat for the baby for Christmas or something. She answered me, "Yeah, I suppose, but I need to make sure it is something I like first."

She is refusing the diaper coupons because she doesn't have the money right now to buy diapers. Well, how does she expect to get the money for diapers after the baby is here when she won't even be working the 8 hours a week she works now? I know that once reality hits her she will gladly use the coupons, I'm just trying to help her prepare in advance but I guess I'll use the coupons myself to add to my stockpile until baby comes.

I truly don't believe she is trying to work the system to get everything for free, I just think she is so stuck on what everything "looks like" and how everything has to match and look perfect. (BTW, the baby's room will be the den that is partially filled with exercise equipment and whatnot, I don't think even a $500 crib and a crib set from the Pottery Barn is going to look that fantastic in there...).

I just needed to hear from you guys that there is really nothing else I can do for her. I'm glad I'm not the only one to think her behavior is a little strange.

ETA: AMulquin, I hope that like you, she will try to adjust her tastes a little when reality does hit her instead of maxing out the credit cards to get "the perfect look".

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I've had a Foreman Grill for about six years. I've done about 85% of my cooking on it, but I've never burnt myself. Probably because I don't use it as a pillow.

Your friend would really get on my nerves. The way I see it, you've done everything you can do to try and help her out by giving her advice, offering coupons and telling her about some great deals. Your friend is in for a very rude awakening after she has her baby showers and once her baby is actually born. She must not realize that nobody is actually obligated to buy anything for her or the baby. It's nice to receive gifts, but she needs to understand that it is her responsibility, and her husband's, to provide for that baby. I've always thought that it's better to be overprepared than underprepared.

Who cares if something isn't the pattern you want? Honestly, she won't be using most of that stuff for more than a year or two at the very most anyway. Is she serious about the $300 crib bedding set from Pottery Barn Kids?!?! I bought DD's set on ebay for $79 and now I'm mad that I spent that much on it! I wish I would have checked some of the second hand baby stores because most of that stuff still looks brand new when people go to sell it. I paid $79 and for a quilt that just hangs on the wall, a bumper pad that we had to take off the crib when DD was just 5 months old, a dust ruffle and a crib sheet.

Unless the baby is allergic to certain brands of diapers or they just don't fit right and leak, there is no need to throw money away on the premium brands. My DD is 10 months old and while I could definitely afford to buy the premium diapers for her, I get whatever I can get on sale and with coupons and I stock up.

When the child gets older, I doubt that he or she will be saying "Mom, I can't believe you didn't spend more money on a crib bedding set, a crib, diapers, etc.?" Instead, the child will probably be saying "Mom, why are you in so much debt?" or "Mom, why can't you help me pay for college?" It's one thing to have good taste and want nice things, but you also have to look at the big picture.

I agree with allinaugust - there is a reason the poor stay poor, or get poorer.

I have a word of advice that you probably don't need, because it doesn't sound like you'd consider this...but when the crapola does hit the fan, don't loan this woman any money. I suspect it would get really upsetting to watch her make unwise financial choices in lieu of repaying you - at least that has been my experienc e in a situation like this. It was more than the friendship could bear.

Best luck - hopefully she's just fantasizing about a perfect world with baby and the onset of reality will not be too painful for her (but mostly I'm concerned about baby....)

cj/

Wow !! She is really living in a fantasyworld.To be quite honest with you If I was a family member of hers knowing she just recently bought new furnture and nothing for the baby.. I would be kinda upset that she naming expensive baby items & wants us to buy them for her

I wouldn't be surprize if work pulls the money together and buys her 1 item on her list.. If I was a coworker and saw the list thats what I would suggest to everyone..I hope her baby showers goes well for her and she is not heavily disappointed in what she recieves at them

I would suggest if she wanting namebrand diapers to get on their mailing list for coupons many companies well send you coupons for their products.

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Angels may not come when you call them, but they'll always be there when you need them.

Yeah, knowing how she has spent money in the past, I have no intentions of loaning her money because I know I would never see it again and she obviously isn't the best steward of her money. In fact, I never loan anyone money because of that exact reason. I flow free with advice, but not with cash! I'm worried for the baby, too, and I know she will be a great mother in terms of taking care of the baby (loving it, caring for it, etc) but she is just putting too much emphasis on STUFF.

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I've had a Foreman Grill for about six years. I've done about 85% of my cooking on it, but I've never burnt myself. Probably because I don't use it as a pillow.

back when I was a first time mom...whew that was a LONG time ago...I started collecting one can of powder formula and one pack of diapers every single week as soon as I found out I was pregnant.

Back then, there were not as many choices as there are now...there was plain pampers and plain huggies and plain luvs...period...

By the time my first baby was born, I had enough (about every 2 months I would up the size on diapers) diapers and formula to carry me through the first 6 months.

The hospital I gave birth in, gave us 8 cases of the formula I had been buying in powder mix. the formula from the hospital was in little 4 oz glass jars, and then they gave me a layette set with a hand crocheted outfit and blanket.
(that was really nice).

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SPJRNTGADL!

When I had my first, I wanted everything to "LOOK" nice and match. BUT and a big BUT!!! I knew my limits, bought the crib, changing table, bedding, etc. at Kmart. they had really cute stuff at the time. I even used it for my DD three years later, she still has the bassinet she uses for her stuffed animals and the changing table is in her closet for extra storage.

I really hope she doesn't hit the crapper when the baby comes.

I would be like some others and make a gift and get something small off a registry plus diapers. I would not go in and get a big ticket item.

Although, the people at my hubby's work did go in and get the carseat that I wanted at Kmart (under $70) for us.

Has your friend thought of looking on Ebay for the pottery barn bedding..?

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I got by on the absolute bare minimum... a crib is a necessity to me although I know people who co-sleep.

Also, it is nice to have some sort of something to keep clothing in although I kept them in the bottom drawer of my dresser.

I was very happy to have the bouncy seat, portable crib, and the swing.

Diapers were a must-have but no diaper pail or Genie... they went directly to the garbage dumpster.

I nursed babies so no formula.

It can be done with very little (think cave man!) but if she is wanting what it sounds like she wants, those are total non-necessities in the big scheme of things... My boys have no idea what we had and/or did not have when they were babies. Thankfully.

I think reality will hit her hard when she leaves the hospital and finds out she still looks about 6 months pregnant! I would distance myself from her. She sounds like she sucks the life out of you. Really a baby needs very little, we just think they need all that all that stuff.

I will try to help her out as much as I can, but am I a bad friend for wanting her to see that she is going to struggle after the baby is born?

A bad friend? No, you have been great and you've done all that you could. If she isn't willing to listen she'll just have to learn for herself.

I have a family member who is due this month who is the same way. I've been emailing her with lots of baby deals and she's just not interested. She registered at three stores for a total of 600 items, obviously expecting everything to be taken care of with gifts. She registered for more decor than the baby's room can even hold and tons of clothing, up to 2T! Do people really expect to go to a baby shower and be provided with clothing for the first few years of their kids' lives? Anyway, one person had a shower for her - her own mother! Very few people attended and she received very small gifts. Although I feel sorry for her, she could have been stocking up and getting deals for many months now instead of counting on shower gifts.

Sounds like a complete nitwit who has no business bringing a child into this world. Run as fast as you can!!!

Uh-oh ..... is she also one of those who professes that a baby will NOT change HER life?

She will just have to come to that realization herself, I'm afraid. And then she will be counting her lucky stars she has a friend like you that cares.

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Mommy Cracked

I just wanted to say maybe you should tell her that the child will spit up all over that POTTERY BARN bedding and it will have to be changed (daily)!!! I am sorry that you have to deal with this at this time in your pregnancy. Hopefully when the baby comes she will have enough stuff that she Needs for him/her and not be so caught up in all the name brand things that she wants, everyone wants the best for their children but the price of stuff does not make it the best IMO. Good Luck with her and I hope that you dont allow her to keep upsetting you.

As frustrating as it is, you are coming from a place of experience. I know when I had my first son we were so poor, but I was naive in thinking that I had to have everything new and perfect...no hand me downs or nothing. I balked at my friend's suggestions of hand me downs! By the time the third child rolled around I was a coupon queen who would take anything someone had to offer!!

This is truly a case of...."she will learn the hard way" and at best you can only guide her gently. Congrats on your baby and how nice it will be to have a friend who will have one the same age!

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#3 Gone To Race In A Better Place...

She may be hearing what you are saying but overwhelmed right now and not processing it correctly. She sounds very young and idealistic... Someday, she might be a Coupon Queen too.

I can understand where you are coming from. However, let me let you in on a friend of mine. We both worked at a fast food joint. My dh was making a good salary with benefits so I was just working for fun money. She, however, had an alcoholic dh who was not working and the fast food place was their ONLY income. Her dd was 19, pregnant..unmarried, NOT working or going to school..medicaid, etc. The DD ONLY wanted items that matched...( I believe it was Beatrice Potter pattern )....she ONLY wanted pampers ( name brand ) and dept store outfits ( Baby Phat, Polo, etc).

well..now, DARNED if she did not get it all ! My friend spent a lot of money on the grandchild. I believe it was her 2nd. The baby got new outfits, blankets, etc. My friend was the type to think " It is only money"..and.." no grandchild of mine is going to go around wanting in life"..my friend got money ( large amount ) from her taxes...

so I guess what I am saying is, maybe she will geet the stuff..you never know...and as far as her coworkers..boy, are they the type to spend stupid money !

I sent the DD btw a fisher price swing from the bogoF TRU sale...and a bag filled with Target marked down items ( lotions, clothes, bottles, etc ). I must have only spent $15 on the bag but the items totaled up $200 before the sales

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Live, Love, Laugh

Good point. My sister's "friend" (well now ex friend) was pregnant with #4.
She had 3 baby showers with that pregnacy; one which my sister threw for her (my sister believes she was used and I agree - long story). The other 2 were thrown by a family member (I think) and the pregnant girl's co-workers. She received A LOT of stuff: car seats, swings, strollers, crib, lots of clothes, bath stuff. She's a single mom so maybe people felt that she needed a lot more help , I can't say for sure.

So yeah she may very well get what she is looking for.
I hope she's not too disappointed if she doesn't.

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l/ l/ l/
Dont go through life,
GROW through life

Real eyes...realize...real lies.

Good point. My sister's "friend" (well now ex friend) was pregnant with #4.
She had 3 baby showers with that pregnacy; nne of which my sister threw for her (my sister believes she was used and I agree - long story). The other 2 were thrown by a family member (I think) and the pregnant girl's co-workers. She received A LOT of stuff: car seats, swings, strollers, crib, lots of clothes, bath stuff. She's a single mom so maybe people felt that she needed a lot more help , I can't say for sure.

So yeah she may very well get what she is looking for.
I hope she's not too disappointed if she doesn't.

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l/ l/ l/
Dont go through life,
GROW through life

Real eyes...realize...real lies.

when she calls let one of the kids speak to her. I had a freind like that also. but I also picked up a on a deal like that at the time for her. I tgink it was 20 for car seat and now every time she speaks to me or sees me shes says >thank you> and she blushes becasue she knew I was right.

I really do hope she gets everything she needs because otherwise I don't know how she will be able to afford it after the baby comes. I did convince her to go garage sale-ing wtih me this weekend and she actually sounded a little excited about it. I'm hoping that since she already knows the prices on the new stuff she registered for, when she sees how inexpensive some gently used stuff at garage sales can be it will open her eyes to how much money she could potentially save. And thanks to the poster who suggested checking out ebay for Pottery Barn Kids Crib bedding, I have found a few things on there that she actually likes and she put them on her "to watch" list and maybe she will get a nice set for a good price! And who knows, maybe I will turn her into a coupon queen someday!

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I've had a Foreman Grill for about six years. I've done about 85% of my cooking on it, but I've never burnt myself. Probably because I don't use it as a pillow.

My firstborn had almost all hand-me-downs for everything.
My second one also.
I know they don't remember and they have never even asked!!!

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Square dancing is friendship set to music!

my first born had all thrift store clothes and toys, In fact, I just came home from the thrift store and the sign for childrens and babies clothing said 4 for $1..can't beat that. I used to go to one thrift store in Jacksonville , FL & they had all sorts of nice new looking things .

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Live, Love, Laugh

I bought one cute crib sheet set and one solid inexpensive one to match before DS was born. I found coordinating fabric and made a valance and dust ruffle to match. I stenciled some decorations on the wall. This was it for DS baby room. I could count on one hand the number of clothing items I purchased new in the first few years. His clothing was either from garage sales, hand-me downs, or gifts from the grandmas (and he was always dressed cute). I also nursed him so no money spent on formula. My DH and I are both professionals who earn a good salary so we could afford all of the matchy-match accessories, brand name clothing, etc. but choose to spend our money elsewhere (or save it!). The amount of money we saved and invested will make a very nice college fund. DS is now 8 and the stenciled walls have been painted over and the sheets and clothing have been given away. And I nursed him until he was 3 1/2 (realized that there are more benefits to this than financial). He is now a very healthy, friendly, loving, handsome, intelligent (was just accepted into the gifted program at school) child. Children don't need all that fancy stuff.

That's fantastic! Hope you have fun sale-ing

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Dont go through life,
GROW through life

Real eyes...realize...real lies.

you nursed your child until he was almost 4 years old???

(jaw dropping).

My girls were all off formula by the time they were 1, and were drinking regular milk

....the middle and youngest daughter are considered gifted--the middle daughter received her Assoc. degree and her high school diploma at the age of 17 (she is 19 now), and the youngest (16) is in her 2nd year of college and in her final year of high school.

So I don't think that being breast fed until almost kindergarten plays a role as to whether a child is gifted or not.

I am just stunned that you did that for that many years.

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SPJRNTGADL!

Why are you stunned? There is nothing wrong with extended breastfeeding.

I didn't say there was anything wrong with it... but most don't formula / breast feed till the kid is almost ready for kindergarten...So, I am stunned.

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SPJRNTGADL!

I have two friends who were in a similar situation. Their babies were due about a month apart. For one, it was her first, for the other it was her third but she also had two miscarriages in between her second and this baby.

The friend having the first baby was a lot like your friend, except her financial situation is better. She drove us all nuts with her dilusions.

My best advice to you is stop trying to help her. Once the baby comes she'll get the reality check she needs. Think back to when you were pregnant with your first -- I think we are all somewhat like your friend, seeing the world with rose colored glasses that our babies are going to arrive on a certain date, with a short and easy labor. We'll receive all that we need and more for the baby at our showers and our lives will go on just like they are now, but with a beautiful baby. Haha -- like that is what really happens, ok, maybe for a few people it does, but most of us know that is not the way things really our. If someone tried to tell us this BEFORE our first baby was born, we wouldn't have listened to them either, or if we did listen, we wouldn't have believed them. Sometimes you just have to step back and let people figure it out on their own.

Sarah......mom to Jason & Devin

To each his own. To some people a wedding is the most important thing in their life and they go all out for ONE night I think it's insane to spent $10-20-30-40-50K on a wedding . . . BUT I went all out for my son. It is important to me that he is well-dressed and cared for. I didn't necessarily spend tons of money, BUT I did want everything to be perfect (and it is) . . . So I understand a little bit where your friend is coming from.

Nope, I didn't feel that way at all when I was pregnat with my first. Maybe I was just way smarter than the average woman. Or maybe I was way more practical.

My greatest concerns with women like the OP describes is what kind of Mommy's they end up being. Do they soon grow tired of the crying baby and disengage? Do they actually LOVE the baby, or love the IDEA of a baby. Know what I mean?

I can understand her waiting until after the showers to buy things. I held out buying anything until I could take inventory after the showers. For the first baby, I was very selective as to what I bought, but it was more of a safety issue for me. I wanted to safest carseat, stroller, etc.. With my second, I was a lot more relaxed.

She is completely ignorant(as was I) to think that everything has to be perfect. It won't be. I agree that there is nothing you can say to her without sounding like a know-it-all. She will learn for herself. Good Luck!

Lauren