I need to know if I am normal, lol.

Okay, some of you may remember a while back that my best friend and I parted ways because of a relationship with a guy, mainly due to her getting a blackeye.

As a child and a teenager, I was pretty popular, but always seemed to get along easier with guys more so than girls. I just was not always up for the 'drama' that some females crave and I don't mean that to offend any ladies here, but it's true some women/girls live for drama, and yes I know guys do to. Perhaps it is just the area I live in, but females can't get enough of rumors, gossip, and drama....I don't know....But I apologize in advance if that remark offends you.....

Anyway, In the past 25 years or so of being out of school, I have had two close friends that live in my area and after a year or two, we ended up falling out and no longer having a friendship. However, I have no problem sustaining long distant friendships, i.e. my "TRUE" best friend lives about 8 hours away and have not physically seen each other in like 17 years although we spend hours a day talking online, on the telephone, etc. So, it occured to me last night, maybe I just 'cant' have a friendship in my own area, is there anyone else like this? or is there something wrong with me?? Be honest, it will not hurt my feelings. I know that I am dedicated to my family above and beyond. I have three children, a husband, a dog, a job, a home, etc....so is because I am too busy for hometown friendships? The reason I say that is because those two friends that I did have, only had one child, no responsibility, etc......

Okay, so my questions are:
Am I ABnormal for not having hometown friendships?
Is it normal to only have long distant friendships?
Is there anyone else like this, besides me?

I would love your honest insight.
Thank you!

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email is moserlara@yahoo.com

I think you are totally normal. My best friend lives a good 14 hours away. She told me once, "having friends takes too much energy" and I knew what she meant. I have lots of people I consider friends, but, no one I really "hang" out with. IMO, that takes a lot of time away from my home and my family, and that is my first concern. I had a "good" friend that I lived near about 3 years ago, and honestly, that was one of the most draining friendships I've ever been in. She was not "real", yet I saw the "behind the scenes" of her and her DH, and it wasn't pretty. But, I still was friends with her, hoping she would some day be her true self, yet, all the while she was putting on airs for everyone, myself included. There were money issues, drinking issues, you name it. Not to mention the "my DH is SO important at work" issues. That gets old, REAL FAST. I would love if my best friend lived here. But, I can tell you, even tho we are best friends (known each other for over 30 years) and even if we lived in the same town, I don't think we'd see so much of each other. We are at the stage in our lives where we have young children, husbands, etc., etc.

so, long story short, NO, I don't think you're abnormal at all. IMO, having friends requires a large commitment. At least that's how I feel. If I have a friend, I have a certain standard of how I treat that person, and I don't pretend to be someone that I'm not. OMG, then , heaven forbid you have another friend that your first friend doesn't like...OMG, yeah, been there done that before too. Needless to say, I'm no longer "friends" with the person I mentioned above, too much work for me.

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Doing the right thing isn't always the same as doing the easy thing.

I am sort of the opposite, I have too many hometown friends, I just couldn't keep up for a while. It is draining and hard to keep the peace, some get jealous if you are hanging out with another or if you haven't called in a couple days, etc. WIth a long distance friend they don't care about those things and they don't expect any more of me.


I think the expectations with a long distance friend are different and much easier to keep the peace.

You're as normal as the rest of us nuts, sorry!

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"A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg even though he knows that you are slightly cracked." ~ Bernard Meltzer

The only friend that I have who is close by is one that I see or email maybe once a week. The reason that our friendship is so strong is that we are both confident and un-needy women. I think that it is what we both sought out when we drummed up our friendship. We both moved very slowly and so I know that she too has probably been burned in the past -- as have I.

I have other friends who live far away and we make contact every few months and always are able to take up where we left off.

Agreed...

does your husband / SO or any family members think you're odd because you don't have friends?
Just curious.....thanks!

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email is moserlara@yahoo.com

Well, I didn't say I don't have friends...that just sounds awful I don't have many "local" friends that are close. I'm friends with some of my neighbors, and parents of my kids' friends, DH's co-workers, etc.

DH doesn't think I'm odd. He's a smart man and knows that the more close friends I have, the more time away from him and the kiddos I already spend WAY too much time on the phone with family and friends. My life is full, and I value the friends I have, both near and far

Did that help at all?? Does your DH think you're odd??

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Doing the right thing isn't always the same as doing the easy thing.

I have a lot of acquaintances and people that I volunteer with... no one thinks that I'm odd as there are honestly maybe a lot of people who consider *me* as their friend but who I choose not to get very close to. I'm really too much of a loner -- which DH and my boys are too.

I have quite a full life and as Allin said, DH and the family also know that the more time that I spend with close friends, the less time that I have for them.

The 'friends' that I referred to in my post above are what I consider as 'close friends'... I want to clarify that as it does make a difference! I DO have 'friends', just not a bunch of 'close friends'.

I have a lot of *friends*, but I prefer not to have any close friends. I won't go into any particulars here (that would literally take days, and you'd be bored to death!) I think we all have different opinions and needs.

I have a lot of close friends and two "best" friends if you will. While most of them know each other, they know each other through me, so we don't all hang out together ever. On occasion, two or three of us will go out for dinner, coffee, drinks, whatever, and if I have a gathering, all are invited. I have been best friends with the two girls, for 25 and 21 yrs. respectfully-(I am 37 now). The other friendships are also a few years old. It may be different here since we are in a military town-two of my best friends are military wives who, if they didn't reach out and make friends, would be really lonely for several mos. out of every year. Also, the friends that I have, are all pretty morally grounded, and uplifting-not a lot of baggage if you will. I did have one friend for about a year, and she and I got pretty close, but I felt the need to end that friendship as it was just too taxing on me-while she was so incredibly nice, there was just so much baggage there, and it always came back to that, and she was extremely needy. I felt horrible, as I knew I was her only friend, but it just stressed me out too much. When I told her that we shouldn't be friends anymore, it got pretty ugly-and she told me she felt "disposable" because I had so many friends and she had none. And she accused me of just dumping ppl when I got tired of them. Not true, she was the only one I had ever felt the need to end the friendship. I think it would be terribly lonely to go through life w/o friends. Yes, I have a husband and four kids that need me, and I am there for them, but what about shopping dates, pedicures, coffee, girls night out, even better-girls weekend out!, and just general man-bashing when you need it?

I don't have any friends. People I thought were my best friends all just kinda disappeared when I got married. I talk to them once a year or so (if I pick up the phone and call them), and I send them a Christmas card but rarely get one back. I called them when my cousin died in April, and as much of a mess as I was at the time I really thought I'd at least hear from them making sure I was okay, but I guess not. I live 800 miles away from them now, I guess I am truly "out of sight, out of mind". I don't really even know anybody here except my husband's family. I was hoping after my husband's best friend got married a couple of years ago his wife would be a friend to me, but it's become crystal clear that she doesn't like my husband or me (too good for us). I guess I'm just used to being alone now.

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I'm in a constant search for the next great freebie or deal.

Hey marsha. I'm sorry about the death of your cousin, and that people who you thought would be there for you weren't. That must have been very hard for you.
Sounds like maybe you all were too good for them.

Hey I'll be your friend (albeit long distance, but still ).
You are NOT invisible! (((HUGS!)))

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l/ l/ l/
Dont go through life,
GROW through life

Real eyes...realize...real lies.

Thanks AMulquin, you sound like a quality person.

And, as for the subject of the original post, I don't think it's abnormal to have only long distance friends. A true friend is a true friend no matter where they live. And if you're lucky enough to have that, then you're blessed.

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I'm in a constant search for the next great freebie or deal.

I agree Marsha...My grandmother used to say that if you have one or two true friends in this life, you are very lucky...I'd rather have that than ten acquaintances or people who you really can't count on...My best friend lives 800+ miles away...We've known eachother since 1983...I have no sisters so she's like a sister to me...We don't see eachother much, but we always pick up right where we left off. I don't have that many friends, but I do have two or three who I'm very close to which is nice. I truly prefer the company of men...always have. I just seem to get along with them better and can trust them more than women. ~Lisa

I don't think you're abnormal, because if you are so I am. By best friend lives 400+ miles from me. We do chat on line or by e-mail and we've been friends since 198 I don't really associate with my neighbors. I'm nice to them and say hello and will chat with them if we're outside, but I don't tell them my problems. I'm on the shy side so it's hard for me to trust people. It also doesn't help since I work odd hours. I also have wo really close friends that I met on line who live 3,000 miles from me. We do talk on the phone and there was just something I felt just from im'ing that I knew I would get along grea with them and it's been that way for about 6 years now, give or take.

It really doesn't bother me not having many friends since I'm use to being alone. I'm an only child and grew up on a 90 acre farm. I'm use to the peace and quite.

I don't have many friends. My truest bestest friend lives in Florida. We talk several times a day though. We went to high school together and have remained friends for over 20 years. She is like a sister to me. She always jokes that God won't let us live close to each other because we'd get in too much trouble. Whenever one of us moved within an hour of each other, the other would end of moving farther away. This last time though, she moved out of state to Florida, and that was 9 years ago, although her husband didn't like it, and he got a job up here, and they are trying to sell their house, and move back into New Jersey. We are like Lucy and Ethel with some of the trouble we've caused, even long distance.

I do have one person who is my friend up here, from work, and although we talk daily, we never really went out and hung out. I would go over her house occassionally and we'd go Christmas shopping or maybe out to dinner a few times, but she is usually too busy with her family and grandchildren to do much on her own time.

I'm ok with being alone most of the time, although when I want to go out fun shopping to the mall, or do something girly, I do miss having a close bud to hang out with.

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Eileen

**Some people are like Slinky's, not really good for anything, but you can't help laugh when you see one tumble down the stairs**

Well said.

__________________
@@@
l/ l/ l/
Dont go through life,
GROW through life

Real eyes...realize...real lies.